Yes, I am very happily married. Wow, I can’t believe I just got hit on online!
I do think that love is an obligation sometimes. But please read what you quoted in your reply to me. I have a problem with sacrifices being made out of obligation with resentment behind them rather than making the same sacrifices (which can clearly be obligatory at times)
out of love for another person. BIG difference.
As I said, at many points in my marriage, I could have and would have written that post from ladyshallott. Probably even with a nastier edge to it.
Here’s the thing: I did it to myself! I took on more and more of the home stuff, hoping in vain that my husband would then feel freer to work less and relax more. Didn’t work, he just worked more. I got bitter and resentful over time. Instead of talking to him about the various jobs I did, so we could work out a more equitable solution, I kept silent and seethed. Martyrdom is my default setting, I think.
And action is his default setting. For whatever reason, he needs to be accomplishing something just about every waking hour. I thought if I did X, he would surely change into someone just like me…
If I could see it as HIS fault that I was overworked, I could feel justified in my resentment and I didn’t have to count my blessings or look at my own expectations of him, and of marriage in general. If everything was his fault, then I could wear the white hat and look good, while he was in the black hat and was always the Bad Guy.
If you take ladyshallot’s original response, AND add all the bill paying, the cooking, cleaning, ALL the childcare AND the car care, ALL the holiday preparations, all of the house-related chores like arranging for repairs, major renovations, etc. and managing workers, then you have my job description. Superwoman doesn’t even begin to cover it. I even mowed the lawn for a while. (I actually like that chore but hubby didn’t want the neighbors to see me doing it.
)
Yes, my husband’s life did pretty much continue as it had always been, after we had children, but that was MY choice. By taking on all of what might have been his responsibilities, I only gave him the leeway to spend even MORE time at work - the exact opposite of what I imagined would happen.
It’s not fair to him that I blame him for MY choices. If I had been truly unhappy with my choices, he would have supported my working outside the house at just about any point in time while our sons grew up. And, if I had ASKED him for more help, he would have tried. It wouldn’t have been easy, since he had just about -0- role models for being a good father, while he was young anyway. But he loves our sons as much as I do (man, that’s hard to type!) and he would do anything for them.
So, like trying to hold onto sand, or nail jello to a tree, I’ve found myself standing here empty-handed, without any more resentments against this man that I love very dearly. I got what I think is the best part of the deal anyway - I got to be home with my sons and I have a HECK of a lot of dear memories, things I hope never to forget, and I know that I have truly given it my all to be the best mother that my sons could ask for. It’s the least I could have done, in return for God’s trust in me to raise them for Him.
I hope all the Martyred Moms out there can lay down their crosses and find some peace.
