This is almost a novel, but if you could advise...thanks

[CatholicSam]

tamccrackine:

After all that advice that so many people have given you, I have to ask a question… I’m not positive as to which method you’re going to try to pursue in your birthing of your wonderful blessing, but have you thought of restricting people from the labor/delivery room and then afterwards? I know you can use nurses and doctors to be your rottweilers to prevent toxic people from coming to visit you. Your mother has threated that she WILL have access to your child. Encompassed into the rest of the story, I’d personally take that as a threat and feel it necessary to prevent her from executing HER will and not respecting mine as a mother. You can tell the docs/nurses who exactly you want in your room. If she’s offended, then that’s her problem but you’ve set the standard straight from the get go with your baby… that YOU are in control of who has access to her, not your mother.

Theresa brings up a very good point here, PA! I’m sure you have thought about this already, but it can be really important for a tranquil delivery. My MIL informed us when we were pregnant that she *would * be at the hospital, and if we didn’t want to see her, that was fine as she would just take my youngest SIL to see the baby in the nursery. My husband tried to tell her that we will call them once we’re back home, but she wouldn’t hear of it. So… we didn’t tell her when we went into the hospital, didn’t call to tell her the baby was born, and only after we had some time to enjoy meeting our wonderful son did my husband call his family to tell them the baby was born (the next morning, I think).

When we pre-registered at the hospital, the lady doing our registration looked down on our decision to be “no press/no info” patients and talked us out of it, saying that if I had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance, there would be no way for my husband to find out where I was taken (though I strongly doubt this). So we opted to be listed in the directory at pre-registration, and then when we checked in “for real” he went down to the front desk and had our status changed This way, when anyone called asking about us, the nurse/receptionist would say “We don’t have any information on a patient by that name.” My older SIL happened to be in a room down the hall at the same time in false labor And a nurse slipped up and told them where we were, but luckily my MIL didn’t have the nerve to come in. Come to think of it, we probably could have gotten a free delivery out of that mishap But everything went so well with the birth of our son that we really didn’t care at that point.

So, definitely something you want to look into! Anyone that you want to have access to your hosptial room you can call and inform them yourself when you get there. Also, are there multiple hospitals in your town? If so, you could play dumb and act as though you’re not sure which hosptial you want to go to for your delivery (could say something like “depends which one has more room at the time” if it wouldn’t be a lie).

Good luck and God bless you and your entire family! I was extremely blessed to have my mother (and countless other relatives and friends around the world) surround me with prayer during my pregnancy and delivery, and that is exactly what the people on CAF are doing for you

 

[ReginaNova]

Princess Abby, it occurred to me that perhaps your mother is going through what many stay-at-home mothers of large families go through when their children become adults. Mothers of large families are used to being the “nerve center” of their families. They like being needed. So when their children are adults, married, and have families of their own or when the children are in college or working in their own careers, these mothers often feel adrift. They have spent their whole adult lives in a role that they no longer play and they have a hard time adjusting to their new lives. Add to that menopause, the decline and death of their parents, and facing the twilight years of their lives. Their husbands are still active and busy in their own careers. Perhaps there is some element of this at play with your mother and that is why she is acting so controlling with your brother, younger sister, and you. My sisters and I believe my mother went through this, though she was not introspective and did not see it. She did however go on a low-dose antidepressant at that time. Could your mother be depressed? That might account for her behavior too.

 

[YinYangMom]

Princess_Abby:

Well, I don’t consider getting counseling to be running away from the issues or ignoring it. I am hoping it will help me let go of the disillusionment I’m feeling, and I feel confident it will. But in the meantime, dealing with people who aren’t necessarily willing to see reality (such as two siblings and my father and mother) isn’t going to solve anything. I’m sure counseling will at least help me sort out the best plan of action, and I think staying here for another year and a half is certainly adequate time to discern if this is a healthy place for my baby, husband and I in the future. If it’s not, or it isn’t what we want, then we will leave.

I wasn’t aware you were already in counseling, sorry for missing that. The ‘running away’ was based on the comments about moving away without mention of counseling. My oversight, sorry.

Before we left the east, we spent a year in counseling discussing in detail my husband’s family with a Catholic therapist. This particular therapist happens to be the man who does psychological evaluations for Fr. Corapi’s order (the men who want to join). We trusted his judgement and his expertise, especially when he told us leaving the area where the inlaws lived would be the most helpful thing for both our marriage and future family. We discerned this in prayer as well and acted accordingly. I do believe that I am here for a reason, even if I am not meant to stay. Clearly I am learning all sorts of things by being here and all of it I consider valuable. I have yet to be convinced that leaving OR staying in the area is the most appropriate decision this time around, but I think I’m allowed to have some anxiety and frustration after walking into the twilight zone!

How disorienting that must be!

I did move here with expectations but as Island Oak said in the very beginning of this thread, nothing I’ve done is irreversible. My husband and I have always taken time to discern our actions and I feel certain we’re allowing ourselves time to do so now, to determine where we belong. I think getting a counselor to worth through everything is a smart and balanced approach. As is having a time limit and not just living here endlessly without a plan.

All in all your plan sounds solid. You really are such a smart cookie! Sorry you’ll have to deal with the non-supportive siblings, though, they certainly aren’t helping matters. I will pray your current counselor is as good as or close to as good as the one in your other town. That one was a true godsend.

 

[stayathomemom]

I did call my sister the enslaved favorite yesterday and she reacted with such venom for me even suggesting there might be something medically wrong with Mom. (And keep in mind she participated in the discussion that Mom clearly had symptoms of early Alzheimers.) “If anyone’s sick, it’s you! Mom and Dad will die someday and you’ll have to look back and remember that you killed them by being who you are! How dare you move back into town and ruin our lives! You’ve always been so perfect and really you just hate all of us, don’t you! You are killing our Mother! You are ruining our family! Why can’t you just accept that Mom doesn’t have time for your emergencies!” etc Oh, and the funny part was that she even used the line my brother told me Mom has said about me for so many years: “Mom has done so much for you since the day you were born and now that you have it all, you have no respect whatsoever!”*

Oh my!!! Your sister sounds just like my husband’s brother, who is also the enslaved favorite out of the two of them. He has said those exact same things to my husband. We no longer speak to him or his parents. Neither one of us can handle or tolerate my MIL 's controlling and manipulating ways anymore. My FIL acts as if their is nothing wrong with her and tried to convince my husband that I am the evil one. We have cut them off indefinitely and I must say my life couldn’t be better. Our children don’t even ask about them anymore. I will pray for you and I hope you can work things out and if not, I will pray you find peace for yourself and your family.
I

 

[Princess_Abby]

I feel so blessed with all these suggestions and insights! Thank you so much.

Jess, I may PM you in the future with some ideas about where we should focus on living. I see you are in the area! Columbia would be too far away for us but there are other options.

CS and Tam, Hubby and I have talked about what an intimate experience birthing is and my personal opinion has always been that only the man who created the baby with the mother “needs” to be in the delivery room. Given this situation, I don’t think we plan on alerting everyone when I actually go into labor. If my husband can’t get here in time (like in the middle of a workday) and I’m progressing too fast, I have three friends who have already said CALL and they would take me. The hospital I’m delivering at is 45 minutes away. It’s a perinatology unit. I know in past medical emergencies I’ve also been asked in an ambulance which hospital I want to go to. So, in this situation I would do that. I’ve also already spoken to the unit about what their rules are for family, etc. They only allow two people max to have any contact with the mother while she’s in labor and delivery. They prefer only the birthing partner. I think if I explained I don’t want anyone but my husband present or informed, they would completely respect that.

Every woman I know who has given birth had at least three or four days of really high emotions afterward. I want to wait those three or four days out before I deal with family. I don’t want to be overly sensitive and nor do I want to react that way towards them. My husband also wants time for us to bond immediately as a new unit.

YYM, the only counsel I’ve had so far is getting in touch with my old therapist, the Fr. Corapi guy. He gave me a couple ideas of who to contact in my area, but they didn’t pan out. But I am firmly resolved to finding someone and I have resources in which to do so. One of my best friends is a MSW, another is an adult faith formation director for a parish and has connections with various therapists in both Catholic Charities and her parish. Believe me, I am a fan of counseling! I’m just waiting until after Christmas to dive in. Besides, all of you have “therapized” me quite thoroughly by helping me work some of this out in my head! Either way, I would definitely continue as long as I needed to whether we moved or not in a year and a half.

Cup of Kindness: I am finally responding to what you said concerning parenting/becoming a parent. I can only say, SO TRUE! It’s interesting to be pregnant with a baby girl as I go through all of this with my mother… My husband experienced similar feelings in counseling when we worked through a lot of who his father is, what their relationship wasn’t, etc and my husband came to terms with understanding he would not choose to parent that way.

Regina, yes I do think my mom likes to be needed but she has a love-hate relationship with it for various reasons. My brother constantly says she doesn’t get it that her kids aren’t ten anymore.

As for everyone who has shared stories of difficult parents: Thank you for relating to me and reminding me there are many of us who have this tough cross to bear. If anything it makes me resolve that the little girl growing inside of me is NOT going to have to deal with these issues someday from me!

 

[Siena]

Abby-

I’m going to make one suggestion. Many people have rightly advised you to document what your mom does. I will add that you might want to document what your dad does. If he is a highly respected attorney, you might need copies of things like e-mails from him that have him questioning your mom’s mental state, and apologizing (therefore confirming) your mom’s behavior.

God bless!

(Can your sis come stay with you while she gets on her feet?)

 

[JessHav]

You’re right Abby, you’ll get through it and learn valuable lessons on what not to do with your own children.
I guess I didn’t make it clear that, while my DH commuted for half a year, we are now moving to St. Louis to be closer to his job. Nonetheless, I would be happy to give you some advice once we have been there a while.
No family is perfect. Cherish the good memories that you have and make sure that you pass those on to your children as well. I know that you probably feel as if you have been through way too much stress lately to deal with this, but, as the old saying goes:

God never gives us more than we can handle!

Good luck with everything and you are in my prayers!
Jess

 

[SeekerJen]

Abby,

I really can’t offer more or better advice than what has already been given. All I can offer is some solidarity.

There’s a reason why both my husband and my SIL left their hometown after high school graduation and never went back for more than a school holiday break. Their parents are drinkers and have been for as long as they can remember. My husband learned early on not to count on them for things because as soon as the evening hit and the Jim Beam was cracked open, it was just a matter of time before the words were slurred and the same “how was your day, dear?” questions were repeated over and over. Several years ago, after hearing that it was getting to the point where they would just stay home and get drunk rather than go to my SIL’s high school events, my husband confronted them about the drinking. The result was that they stopped drinking when he was around, but even that has ended. Now the best that happens is that I’ll be helping in the kitchen, open up a cupboard, and find a big tumbler of Jim Beam on the rocks tucked away behind the mixing bowls.

My MIL is also very fearful of change and somewhat controlling. She has had a tendency in the past to cut her kids off if she didn’t like what they were doing. This plus the drinking has led to a distant relationship between my husband and his mother, and an almost non-existant one between my SIL and her mom (and I believe it will get worse this weekend, as my SIL receives her master’s degree, and we don’t expect MIL to attend).

It’s very difficult on both kids, especially my SIL as most girls wish to be close to their moms, and because once my husband left, she was alone to watch her parents get worse and worse. I know that they are good people, they’re terrific when they’re sober, but those times are becoming fewer and farther between. And of course because it’s a small town, they are classic WASPs, and rather well-known in the community, getting help would be completely out of the question. I just thank God that my husband by some miracle has not inherited the alcoholism.
God bless you and your husband, and your little one. Do whatever you need to do to protect her. I’ll keep you all in my prayers.

 

[JessHav]

You’re right Abby, you’ll get through it and learn valuable lessons on what not to do with your own children.
I guess I didn’t make it clear that, while my DH commuted for half a year, we are now moving to St. Louis to be closer to his job. Nonetheless, I would be happy to give you some advice once we have been there a while.
No family is perfect. Cherish the good memories that you have and make sure that you pass those on to your children as well. I know that you probably feel as if you have been through way too much stress lately to deal with this, but, as the old saying goes:

God never gives us more than we can handle!

Good luck with everything and you are in my prayers!
Jess

 

[mommyjo2]

Your family sounds a lot like my family.
My mom is a closet alcoholic. She complains she never sees the kids, and then complains when we visit (she lives 20 minutes away). She complains if we show up to Thanksgiving dinner, but woe be to us if we miss it.
She also is the same way with my sisters-in-law. She fawns over them, and sometimes it is very hurtful to me. For example, she will make my pregnant sister in law meals and take them to her, because she is so tired. I was pregnant with my 6th child, working 2 jobs outside the home, and have been asked to ‘help my mom out’ and deliver them to my sister-in-law. (need I say, no dinners were delivered to me, even after the baby was born?)
It helps to realize that a lot of the manipulation stems from insecurity, and anger.
Your mother probably realizes a lot of the changes going on, and is scared. So she becomes MORE controlling.
I would look into Al-Anon or other support groups for children/spouses of alcoholics. There are other groups also for relatives of Alzheimer’s/mental problem sufferers. At least you will be reaffirmed that you are not the crazy one!
I would also make consider letting your mom have ‘access’ to your new baby- think “supervised visits”. Better to bring her over and bite your tongue than end up with a court ordered unsupervised visitation plan you HAVE to comply with. If you can show that you bring the baby over several times a month, there can be no claim that the grandparent’s are being denied access.
On another note, you cannot control their (your parent’s) behavior. You can only control your own. God has given you a cross, and a means to greater holiness. You may want to read some lives of saints, such as Elizabeth of Hungary, St. Dymphna, etc. who had belligerent, crazy, and otherwise toxic relatives.
And always remember Christ’s promise, that even if the 'womb that bore you forgets, I will not forget you".
mommyjo2

 

[deb1]

movingmom:

WOW! This sounds so familiar! PA, I had “special talents” as a child and was shuttled from here to there by mom also. How did I reward her for all that she did for me? I moved very far away. She hasn’t been the same since, and rarely visits - once per year if I am lucky. Yes, I was pigeon holed as a child as the “good” child, the “over achiever.” When I moved, they were shocked, I owed my parents by staying in the same town. In the meantime my 3 siblings could move, be mean, do whatever they wanted with instant excuses and forgiveness for their behavior. Unfortunately my frustration with my parents came out over time in a huge blow up with my dad, which was my fault. I basically let out all of my feelings I have had since adulthood, in a not so nice screaming match. I have since confessed and been forgiven for dishonoring my parents, but my parents pretty much dispise me now. My advice, don’t wait too long, get away while you can, love them from a distance. Be wary of their games and don’t play. Be the better person. Take care of your growing family, they are your main responsibility - if you get too involved with your parents/siblings, who will take care of your kids? I know this is difficult, of all the people in the world you thought would love and take care of you, they can’t or won’t. I am working through this myself and know it is not easy. You are in my prayers abby.

I sometimes believe in a dysfunctional family that the least favored child is in reality the luckiest.

My SIL was the favorite of her father. His behavior toward her, as she grew up was, too me, strange. Whatever was neccessary to make her happy, he did. Including allowing her to live with a twenty something man in his house when she was only 15! There also seemed to be some strange emotional thing going on between them, almost like she was his wife. At one point, I asked my hubby if she had been sexually abused by her dad, but he didn’t think so.

She denied that he had affairs, (even though a woman called the house and left phone messages declaring her love,) and defended him against any criticism. I think that a lot of my SIL’s problems stem from being so close to her father. I love her dearly but she does have some serious emotional problems.

My husband, meanwhile, was either ignored by his dad or was being hit with anything available-including the black hose that is behind the washer and dryer. The result was that my hubby wanted to leave the house as soon as possible and joined the military. He is honest and nothing like his dad. So, I am thankful that his dad did not make him the favorite and to this day ignores our family.

 

[deb1]

Several people have cited the importance of keeping documentation. Perhaps you should encourage e-mails instead of phone calls. That way you have written proof of what was said. Unless you tape a phone call, which I think is illegal, you don’t have any proof of what was said.

It might be hard to believe, but this might be a blessing. At least you know what your parents are like now, before your child is even born. It sounds as if the brother who is in the military will have a very difficult time extracting himself from your mother. Both his girlfriend and his daughter are now emotionally invested and dependent on her.

As far as your younger sister, it will only cause her more pain to come from college into your mother’s home. Not simply because she is not getting her education but because she is becoming dependent on her parents. My hubby joined the military to escape his parents. Perhaps your sister could do so. My younger brother got training as a nurse in the 82nd Airborne. When he served his time, he got out and worked his way through college. He is now finishing up his education to be a physican’s attendent. My own hubby is in the Air Force but works supporting the Army. If she goes into his field, meterology, then she will get a sign up bonus because the military doesn’t have enough weathermen, plus if she agrees to work with the army(the air force supplies the army with weather men) then she will get extra pay. Sorry to go on about the military…maybe I should be a recruiter.

 

[smartblkchick]

deb1:

Several people have cited the importance of keeping documentation. Perhaps you should encourage e-mails instead of phone calls. That way you have written proof of what was said. Unless you tape a phone call, which I think is illegal, you don’t have any proof of what was said.

Check the laws of your state. In some states it is legal to record phone conversations coming into your home.

It might be hard to believe, but this might be a blessing. At least you know what your parents are like now, before your child is even born.

Seriously… I’m an only child… I love my parents dearly, but there is a reason they live in Louisiana and I’ve spent most of my adult life in the Northeast. My parents tried to control this by refusing to contribute to financing an out-of-state college (I went to college shortly before the era of unsubsidized loans). So, I finished my BA in four years while living at home and then got the hell out of dodge! I can take them in two week visits, but anything more than that and there could be bloodshed!

 

[Cupofkindness]

Abby:

By moving back “home” you did something that you really had to do at some point. You needed to see first hand if your family has grown up too. Obviously, most of them have not. If you hadn’t taken the huge risk that you did, you would have always wondered about what things might have been like if you moved back to your home town. Well, now you know. That is really a major accomplishment. There was really only one way to answer this question and you’ve done it. You won’t have to spend the emotional energy coming up with ‘what-ifs’ about your family. A true picture has emerged and now you can move on. You and your husband have recognized that neither family of origin can provide a life-giving place for you. As you look for your new home, find the vibrant parishes, Catholic schools (or homeschool support), and other groups that can fufill the need that everyone has for a warm, accepting community of people who will support your and your family.

By the way, I think that deep down your “enslaved” sister is just so relieved that you won’t be taking her cherished place at your mother’s side. I’m sure that you were a real threat in her mind, but now that your mother sees that she can’t make you over in her own image the enslaved sister can feel much more secure in her little role in the family: the loyal defender and protecter of your mother. As an MSW myself, I can assure you that you have struck a gold mine of entrenched family dysfunction that you had managed to break away from for ten years, regardless of the conditions that may have brought this situation about. To adjust yourself, to compromise yourself or change your family of procreation to accommodate your family of origin would do you tremedous harm. In a few years, you will be able to weather any thing they throw at you because you will have a deeper grasp of the dynamics. A death in the family might bring everything to a head, the more emotional distance there is between you and your family of origin, the better able you will be to walk away without undue guilt or anger and be in a position to help heal your family.

I second what a poster said about emails. Email your father about the shower, the emergency room, etc. Outline the situation, your mothers illogical and unreasonable response, the vindictive cancellation of your baby shower, etc. Stay objective and neutral. I love lines like: “Why do you think mother would do something like that?” or “What do you think mom was thinking?” In your emails, try to demonstrate sincere concern for your parents and your questioning about these events. One event or issue per email. Although unlikely, should you ever have to appear in court, emails between you and your father could be the best evidence you have on your side.

Last, and least, I’m certain that at some level your poor mother is grieving over her loss of you. She recognizes that because you have a strong, healthy sense of self, because you are stable, intellegent and know the truth, you will not play the game according to her rules, and those are the only rules she knows how to play by. And although your mother seems to have failed in the biggest challenge a mother has, that is allowing her adult children to live their own lives, she loves you in her own way, however inadequate that might be. When you hold your daughter for the first time and feel the rush of wonder and love that accompanies that, you will know even more how strong the emotions are that bind the two of you.

 

[StephanieC]

Siena:

Abby-

I’m going to make one suggestion. Many people have rightly advised you to document what your mom does. I will add that you might want to document what your dad does. If he is a highly respected attorney, you might need copies of things like e-mails from him that have him questioning your mom’s mental state, and apologizing (therefore confirming) your mom’s behavior.

God bless!

(Can your sis come stay with you while she gets on her feet?)

Abby, I was wondering about this as well…depending on the timing, and her interest, you might really appreciate having your sister with you to enjoy and help take care of you and your new baby.

 

[Princess_Abby]

We have actually offered my sister this option, but the way my parents’ house is set up, she’ll have an entire floor to herself if she lives there. Almost like a free apartment with several rooms. There is also a separate entrance from the back to the second and third floors, so she is anticipating to come and go as she pleases. I don’t know if this will happen or not, but she would prefer all that space as opposed to sharing a room with my baby. I think she is holding onto the idea that my mother spends six days a week with her grandchild and will hopefully not have time to make life difficult for her.

My husband is not keen on the idea of her living with us, only because he values our privacy and his opinion is that my parents would love to make my sister our “responsibility.” I think if we had a house it would be easier, instead of just a three bedroom apartment. However, he did make the offer himself and has told her if it gets unbearable, she will always have a place with us. Besides, my mom has already threatened to not ‘let’ her live at my parents’ house anyway so we’ll see what happens.

CupofKindness, you definitely articulated much of what my husband has said to me. He firmly believes that we are here for a reason and that this reality check needed to happen, or at some point in the future we still would have made our way here in hopes of having a nurturing extended family environment. I personally have a hard time not thinking about the fact that we’d probably be in Seattle, Phoenix, Denver or St. Louis if I had known exactly what this would be like, but I am trying to content myself with knowing I need to take time and discern where God wants us to be. So far it’s only working with constant reminders from my husband…

While it would be easiest just to stay here if we could be emotionally distanced from the drama, I keep thinking we are not going to be safe here. I do not feel safe now. We were not safe on the east coast from my husband’s family; they literally stalked us. They could not take “no” for an answer. I felt extremely invaded and violated in that situation. My family doesn’t feel that strongly about pursuing me, individually; my main concern is when the baby is born and the warped sense of entitlement they will feel about her. (Evidenced by the outrageous amount of time and involvement they have in my niece’s life and my mother’s comments about how she WILL have access to her, etc.) I think my biggest issue right now is there isn’t a guarantee they won’t go after her and it kills me to think about being “forced” to expose her to this dysfunction. My husband and brother both pointed out that my mother has never been able to control me and she might use the baby as a prime opportunity to try and do so by getting a court order.

Hence the reason I have to force myself to push down the urge to run away from these crazy people. That, and my husband wont let me. We would never have moved here had we thought our child would be threatened in any way, shape or form. I know my emotions are heightened by this pregnancy and I know we can’t just up and leave, but I HATE the idea of staying here for another year and a half. It’s just that side of me warring with the logical side that knows I need to get some counseling and knows we have to pray about where God wants us. But I really wish we could be anywhere but here at the moment, just so as to not give them the opportunity to fight over the baby. The amount of stress and anxiety I feel cannot possibly be good for the baby and nor does it set me up for a happy post-partum period, either.

I keep thinking about Mary searching for a safe place to have our Lord and then later having to run away with him to keep him safe.

As another poster suggested, my husband has also asked me if I’m willing to compromise my feelings and let my mother see the baby on my terms to avoid a court confrontation. He wasnt suggesting that as his solution, but only something for me to consider as an option. I don’t see how to do that at this point and that is something I will definitely speak about in counseling, because to me that is only giving her the control and at any point knowing she can choose to throw a tantrum and say she’s not getting enough. She is also so used to being pandered to that I fear it would only increase the idea in her head that everything is up to her. Meanwhile she will have developed a “relationship” with the baby and be able to use that against us in court.

The stress of this is beginning to take it’s toll on both my husband and I, which just makes me even more mad at the situation. We’re both so tired of insane parents. I’m tired of spending money on going to counselors to fix what shouldn’t be broken. He even told me he struggles with hoping they all have a soon and happy death because while they’re alive, it seems they each live to make us miserable. I know that sounds terrible, but I’ve had similar thoughts, too.

 

[CatholicSam]

At the risk of appearing incredibly insensitive and ingnorant–why are you in counseling if you don’t want to be? You’re not the dysfunctional ones here! Paying out your valuable money that could be much better used elsewhere for counseling is just adding insult to injury, in my very, very humble opinion. Is it helping? Would talking to a spiritual director (if you have one) be better (and free)?

 

[Princess_Abby]

CatholicSam:

At the risk of appearing incredibly insensitive and ingnorant–why are you in counseling if you don’t want to be? You’re not the dysfunctional ones here! Paying out your valuable money that could be much better used elsewhere for counseling is just adding insult to injury, in my very, very humble opinion. Is it helping? Would talking to a spiritual director (if you have one) be better (and free)?

Well you gave me a good laugh.

I’m not in counseling right this very second (due to this all just sort of exploding around the holiday season, so I’m waiting til after the New Year), but I do feel like I need some professional guidance to help direct my (our) thoughts about what to do next in terms of leaving or staying and how to manage my parents after the baby is born. I also want to let go of the resentment and disappointment I feel at walking into this situation, and that’s not happening yet. (Again though, this is still very new so that might change.) But my husband and I are coming off of a year of uninsured, highly expensive Catholic counseling from a therapist associated with Fr. Corapi. He was excellent and worth all the thousands of dollars we paid for him.

I think part of my issue with the counseling we already received was that I knew exactly what the issue was and how we should proceed, but my husband needed to hear it from someone besides me. Also, that therapist met with his parents several times and got to see the real deal of who they are–which only made his recommendation to stay far, far away from them all the more weighty and valuable. And, with this issue…I feel like I know what we need to do, too, but…given that we really DO need to stay here for my husband’s job during the next 1.5 years…I should take the time to carefully discern where we belong.

Being surrounded by dysfunction can be very disorienting. Counseling is usually reassuring, it’s just an expensive form of reassurance that I’m not looking overly forward to.

 

[CatholicSam]

Fair enough I hope you find (if you haven’t already) another excellent therapist who can guide you and your new little family through this difficult situation!

 

[ReginaNova]

Princess_Abby:

The stress of this is beginning to take it’s toll on both my husband and I, which just makes me even more mad at the situation. We’re both so tired of insane parents. I’m tired of spending money on going to counselors to fix what shouldn’t be broken. **He even told me he struggles with hoping they all have a soon and happy death because while they’re alive, it seems they each live to make us miserable. I know that sounds terrible, but I’ve had similar thoughts, too. **

Abby, please talk to a priest or counselor soon. This is a sentiment that is not healthy for you, your husband, your marriage, or your developing family. Your problems with your parents and sisters may be more than you and your husband should be handling on your own at this point. Please consider getting some professional or spiritual counseling before the holidays. Your holidays could be emotionally devastating if you struggle with these issues without assistance. Clearly, the situation with your own family is magnified because of the situation with your in-laws in the past and probably also because of the pregnancy.

Please take care of yourself and your little baby.

XOXOXOXO
Gigi