"Those Catholic Women Who Use Contraception" (an account about some Catholic women)

[TheWarriorMonk]

Sooo… what do you all suggest? It sounds from this post you expect those that have not been taught can somehow be grandfathered into acceptable BC use?

Where exactly did I say that? People should read what is said, not what is not said in order to create controversy.

I am not sure why you think those in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s can’t live by a new standard (that’s not really new, just new to them). Why is it easier for newlyweds in their twenties?

I never said it was. As one gets older, changing there ways becomes far more difficult.

Example: If upbringing had no effect on people changing there habits and belief later in life, and its so easy to do anyway, adult children of cradle Catholics should theoretically be just as religious as children of practicing Catholics 100 years ago. Are they???

Or better yet, why are there so many overweight, out of shape people in the U.S.? Just eat right and exercise. Why don’t people that never exercised and ate garbage as kids as just turn on the switch and become healthy in, say, their 40s? If it’s so easy it should be a non-issue. Do they do it???

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I tried to convince to change their bad habits when they were in their 20s. None did. Several are now in their 40s and physically disabled…knees are shot, fused disks in their spine and neck, quadruple bypasses, or dead. People just don’t want to change.

Fact is, it is very hard to simply dismiss habits/lifestyles established when one is young, be it by bad parenting or lack of religious instruction. We’re now seeing the consequences.

 

[HouseArrest]

Where exactly did I say that? People should read what is said, not what is not said in order to create controversy.

I never said it was. As one gets older, changing there ways becomes far more difficult.

Example: If upbringing had no effect on people changing there habits and belief later in life, and its so easy to do anyway, adult children of cradle Catholics should theoretically be just as religious as children of practicing Catholics 100 years ago. Are they???

Or better yet, why are there so many overweight, out of shape people in the U.S.? Just eat right and exercise. Why don’t people that never exercised and ate garbage as kids as just turn on the switch and become healthy in, say, their 40s? If it’s so easy it should be a non-issue. Do they do it???

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I tried to convince to change their bad habits when they were in their 20s. None did. Several are now in their 40s and physically disabled…knees are shot, fused disks in their spine and neck, quadruple bypasses, or dead. People just don’t want to change.

Fact is, it is very hard to simply dismiss habits/lifestyles established when one is young, be it by bad parenting or lack of religious instruction. We’re now seeing the consequences.

I said “it sounds like…” because that is what your post seemed like it was saying. I also asked what you all suggest. It was a question, not a confrontation.

 

[chaunceygardner]

We should not be too surprised that many women and couples don’t (or did not in the past) understand the full teaching of the Church about contraception. Those getting married forty to fifty years ago were led to believe that it was a matter of conscience, and if you had good reasons to limit the number or frequency of your children, or for newlyweds to delay parenthood for awhile, contraception was acceptable. Few parish priests preached or wrote about it (it was mostly theologians and the hierarchy) and did not ask about it during confession. Many of the priests from that era have said they made a point NOT to talk or inquire about it.

When we asked the priest who was giving us pre-marriage instruction many decades ago, he clearly said that it was okay to use the pill (and other forms of contraception); that *Humane Vitae *was not binding and that the decision was up to us. All the Catholic couples I knew heard the same thing, if they asked.

We are now into the third generation of young people since that time. The children of those couples of the 60’s and 70’s knew what was going on, and their parents likely passed on the same advice they had received, if they were asked. And that has been passed on to the current generation of young people who are getting married. Again, in all these decades since and in the various parishes I have been part of, I have yet to hear any priest say in a homily or in any kind of printed statement that married couples should not use artificial contraception. And none have ever said that to me in a private conversation.

So we should not be surprised that many are not fully aware of the exact teachings about birth control, nor surprised that most Catholic couples (at least in the west) over the past half century have not followed those teachings.

JackieMom:

I have a feeling that if, on Sunday, our priest got up and said:

1. Contraception is always gravely wrong. Period. There are no exceptions at all. No, not even for you who might die if you got pregnant. If you’re using it, or have used it in the past and not confessed it, you should not be accepting communion.

and

1. Your marriage is forever and infidelity is not an automatic “out.” Even if you are divorced, you are not free to date and certainly not to remarry until you have the Decree of Nullity in your hands.

The pews would be EMPTY the next week.

Perhaps not quite totally empty, but I would concur with your point. I would add that many of those who didn’t show up the next Sunday at that particular parish would show up at another parish where they wouldn’t hear that. Some years ago a priest told me that many people use this “pastoral solution” in the types of situations you mention. And THAT should be a clue as to one of the reasons we don’t often hear that message, as well as several others that would have a similar effect.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We should not be too surprised that many women and couples don’t (or did not in the past) understand the full teaching of the Church about contraception. Those getting married forty to fifty years ago were led to believe that it was a matter of conscience, and if you had good reasons to limit the number or frequency of your children, or for newlyweds to delay parenthood for awhile, contraception was acceptable. Few parish priests preached or wrote about it (it was mostly theologians and the hierarchy) and did not ask about it during confession. Many of the priests from that era have said they made a point NOT to talk or inquire about it.

When we asked the priest who was giving us pre-marriage instruction many decades ago, he clearly said that it was okay to use the pill (and other forms of contraception); that *Humane Vitae *was not binding and that the decision was up to us. All the Catholic couples I knew heard the same thing, if they asked.

We are now into the third generation of young people since that time. The children of those couples of the 60’s and 70’s knew what was going on, and their parents likely passed on the same advice they had received, if they were asked. And that has been passed on to the current generation of young people who are getting married. Again, in all these decades since and in the various parishes I have been part of, I have yet to hear any priest say in a homily or in any kind of printed statement that married couples should not use artificial contraception. And none have ever said that to me in a private conversation.

So we should not be surprised that many are not fully aware of the exact teachings about birth control, nor surprised that most Catholic couples (at least in the west) over the past half century have not followed those teachings.

Perhaps not quite totally empty, but I would concur with your point. I would add that many of those who didn’t show up the next Sunday at that particular parish would show up at another parish where they wouldn’t hear that. Some years ago a priest told me that many people use this “pastoral solution” in the types of situations you mention. And THAT should be a clue as to one of the reasons we don’t often hear that message, as well as several others that would have a similar effect.

Totally concur with your post. I put my own ignorance about Church teaching on contraceptives down to losing my mother at age 10, but it seems that even if we hadn’t dropped away from the Church, I may never have heard that using contraception is WRONG. Certainly nothing was made of it when I reverted. When I finally confessed to having used artificial birth control for over 20 years and continuing to use it after we were married, the priest almost dismissed my disclosure, said something like, “well that is all over now, right?” Of course he could see that I was very troubled by it (one of the few times I’ve ever done a face to face confession! ) but I worried that he was minimizing the degree of sin that I had been committing.

I so LONG to hear a homily on the STRAIGHT TRUTH of our Church’s teachings…On contraception, on abortion, on the sanctity of life, on the harder teachings of Jesus.

 

[7armyrugrats]

I’ve met numerous Catholics over the years who have told me they never knew that the Church taught ABC was wrong or that priests have said there are exceptions. Honestly, I had a priest tell me once that I qualified for an exception so I DO believe that is true. However, every Protestant I have ever known, no matter how ignorant of the Catholic faith they are, has known without a doubt that ABC was wrong according to the Catholic Church. How can we as Catholics not know this teaching as well? Allowing ourselves to be deceived is not the same thing as being ignorant and all too often we try to believe it is

 

[JackieMom]

Totally concur with your post. I put my own ignorance about Church teaching on contraceptives down to losing my mother at age 10, but it seems that even if we hadn’t dropped away from the Church, I may never have heard that using contraception is WRONG. Certainly nothing was made of it when I reverted. When I finally confessed to having used artificial birth control for over 20 years and continuing to use it after we were married, the priest almost dismissed my disclosure, said something like, “well that is all over now, right?” Of course he could see that I was very troubled by it (one of the few times I’ve ever done a face to face confession! ) but I worried that he was minimizing the degree of sin that I had been committing.

I so LONG to hear a homily on the STRAIGHT TRUTH of our Church’s teachings…On contraception, on abortion, on the sanctity of life, on the harder teachings of Jesus.

I totally agree - but more than that they need to hear the consequences. I think a lot of Catholics have heard somewhere along the line that The Church forbids ABC, but don’t take it seriously. They go to Mass for the spiritual benefits and to connect with God, but say they “just can’t do another kid.” They don’t trust NFP at all, think it’s a hassle, and have this feeling that God doesn’t really care if they use ABC as long as they are good people.

 

[silentfactor80]

…and have this feeling that God doesn’t really care if they use ABC as long as they are good people.

People say the same when trying to justify gay marriage, abortion, and a whole host of other issues. It is an extreme form of arrogance to think one could ever do anything good enough to “make up” for other sins. I know a priest that thinks going into 3rd world countries to help the poor is all that really matters. The rest is chump change to him. When one makes a god out of the poor it is no different than making a god out of anything else. And who can really judge that the good they do is good enough? Of coarse our religious ed programs are so watered down that I am not surprised we see this.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

One of my biggest shocks when I came back to my faith was when I read up on what the Church really teaches about contraception. I’d heard it alluded to, mostly by Monty Python, but my schools (which were much more lenient on the topic than my mother) had practically forbidden the use of the word “sex,” even when talking about frogs in biology class, so it certainly wasn’t anything we heard about before being set free on the real world. In what passed for our pre-Cana, the NFP instructors were a no-show (we got a pamphlet instead) and our priest not only told us that contraception was okay but recommended it for our situation. We heard this from another priest and most of our family as well, so we used the pill for most of the first six years we were married, then a couple other methods for the next two years before giving up on it entirely when we started talking about having another baby.

Even though we haven’t used any sort of contraception in 8 years or so, it devastated me to find out we’d been violating one of the Church’s major rules. We hadn’t been the most faithful Catholics, but at least in that regard I thought we’d been doing okay. I’d always assumed the stereotype of big Catholic families just came about because, culturally, that’s just what Catholics did. I knew we were supposed to be pro-life, but I figured that only meant we were supposed to oppose abortion in most cases (again, it was hard to get a good understanding of the abortion issue in school when we couldn’t use the words “sex” or “abortion” until junior or senior year of high school). Even among my family, all the guys in my immediate age group were given condoms as a gag gift no later than their 16th birthday (some as young as 13).

I can sympathize with what these other people are experiencing. The realization that something so common and accepted is intrinsically wrong can be difficult to wrap your head around, especially if you’ve been guilty of doing it. The fact that there’s often little support for, or even animosity directed at people who choose to stop contracepting and start following the Church’s teachings makes it even harder. When certain family members found out that we we’d quit “taking precautions,” even though it had nothing to do with our faith at the time, the number of dirty looks and comments increased greatly (it’s quite pleasant to walk into a room at a family party with your kids in tow, only to hear an aunt refer to you and your spouse as “freaks”). Once it finally did become an issue of faith, the reactions were even worse. However, it’s been a blessing for us and has brought us closer together, so I just keep praying that these others find a way back to the Church.

 

[hsmomforlife]

Good riddence to bad rubbish

Not exactly a nice thing to say, but it’d be nice if the people who professed to be Catholic actually started living by Catholic teaching.

What a cruddy/horrible/mean/insensitive/self-rightous thing to say!

At this point in my life…I would agree with the teaching…but I can guarantee that if someone would have referred to me, my husband and my young children as ‘bad rubbish’ when I was a young mom just coming back to the Church…I might have turned on my heels and never looked back. Is THAT what you REALLY want for lost souls???

I’m glad that you and I have never crossed paths…IRL!

Attitudes like yours are probably part of the reason that people DON’T come back to the Catholic Church once they learn the REAL teaching.

Oh, and ‘preaching it from the pulpit’ will only alienate those who are struggling with the teachings of the Church…it has to come from a place of love…just like the teachings of the Church themselves…otherwise it can have the opposite effect of what was intended

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I agree - my formation as a teen before confirmation could have been taken right out of a page of “Youth Group for Non Denominational Christians.”

LOL

Even our current rotation of priests probably had a lot of iffy instruction at seminary.

Sad. Its the story everywhere. But in my mind that sort of instruction left people starving, and now their are many hearts starving for truth. The harvest is ripe for picking.

 

[misspriss]

Reading things like this, I suppose I should be glad that I knew full and well what the Church’s teachings on birth control where before I decided to join. I had no idea so many people didn’t know how serious it was.

Funny things I guess. It was natural family planning that brought me to the Church. I was researching NFP electronic devices, specifically the Lady Comp, which brought me to CAF, which eventually led to me joining the Church…

I hope that more and more Catholics will be made aware of the teachings of the Church, and realize what they truly mean and their importance.

 

[LaSainte]

I consider it offensive to refer to a rather large number of Catholics that weren’t taught properly by the Church in the first place “bad rubbish.”

Since many people weren’t taught properly in the first place (myself included), it is entirely unreasonable to expect them to live by a standard they were never taught. It is even more problematic to suddenly inform them in their 30s, 40s, or 50s that they are living incorrectly and must live be a new standard.

Sure, they’re a hypocrites, but in my experience they are the minority, not the majority.

THANK YOU. this teaching is something that is very difficult to accept and follow if it is suddenly sprung on you in your 30s, like "Oh by the way, your entire view of sex and sexuality is wrong. The way you have been living your entire married life is wrong. If you follow this teaching you are most likely going to have half the sex and twice the number of kids than you are used to/comfortable with. The way you have been living your life for 15 years is gravely immoral. Stop it. "

No wonder the pews would be empty. This needs to be a part of our FORMATION so that we understand what is expected of us before we even enter into a sexual relationship. It is a MINDSET. It is a LIFESTYLE. And it is HARD. Learning about it later can even cause problems between husbands and wives. Why are NFP and TOB and HV classes not a part of every pre-cana program? This needs to be preached about and taught to every single Catholic so that we are raised into it all along. It really can shake your faith otherwise and it is irresponsible of pastors to try and keep the pews full by avoiding the tough issues.

 

[maximus]

My wife and I while childless did a lot of presentations and taught NFP. It was offered a prerequisite for Pre-Cana in our dioceses. What I learn throughout the experience is that when talking about the BC issue, and believe me it is tough to talk about, is that you have to be personable, sympathetic, and entertaining… The average Catholic has a 7 year old understanding of the faith so in a short talk about this subject is a tall order that in most cases serves to ruffle feathers.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

THANK YOU. this teaching is something that is very difficult to accept and follow if it is suddenly sprung on you in your 30s, like "Oh by the way, your entire view of sex and sexuality is wrong. The way you have been living your entire married life is wrong. If you follow this teaching you are most likely going to have half the sex and twice the number of kids than you are used to/comfortable with. The way you have been living your life for 15 years is gravely immoral. Stop it. "

No wonder the pews would be empty. This needs to be a part of our FORMATION so that we understand what is expected of us before we even enter into a sexual relationship. It is a MINDSET. It is a LIFESTYLE. And it is HARD. Learning about it later can even cause problems between husbands and wives. Why are NFP and TOB and HV classes not a part of every pre-cana program? This needs to be preached about and taught to every single Catholic so that we are raised into it all along. It really can shake your faith otherwise and it is irresponsible of pastors to try and keep the pews full by avoiding the tough issues.

Heck, I’ll take it a step farther and say we need to be teaching these things to our CHILDREN as they grow up! That using birth control is always gravely sinful, that children are a blessing, that many sexual acts are sinful, etc. That way, none of THEM will have to look at a lifetime of sin and try to change their sexual lives 180 with their spouses and still stay faithful to the Church.

 

[FriendlyFace]

I have a feeling that if, on Sunday, our priest got up and said:

1. Contraception is always gravely wrong. Period. There are no exceptions at all. No, not even for you who might die if you got pregnant. If you’re using it, or have used it in the past and not confessed it, you should not be accepting communion.

and

1. Your marriage is forever and infidelity is not an automatic “out.” Even if you are divorced, you are not free to date and certainly not to remarry until you have the Decree of Nullity in your hands.

The pews would be EMPTY the next week.

There are priests at my church who preach the truth on both topics. The pews are pretty darn full anyway. I think there are lots of Catholics who would embrace the truth if they ever heard it! I’m glad the HHS Mandate has raised awareness about the Church teaching. Maybe, ironically, it will help turn things around for American Catholics. That’s what I hope anyway.

 

[mcc804]

This is such a big issue. My H was raised Catholic, I was not. We went into marriage with the understanding that I would be on birth control until we were “ready” to have children. There was no teaching on birth control issues. I was a nominal Orthodox Christian and I never once heard anything from that church about these things. My family and the world taught me that you get on birth control when you don’t want children. The priest that witnessed our marriage did not talk to us about the sin of birth control. Not.One.Word. We did go to Pre-Cana (that was absolutely the most worthless nonsense ever). I do not recall one word about contrception being a sin.

We had two children. We had financial crisis. A death in the family. I suffered deep depression and fear. I decided that I could not handle having another child. The two children were enough. My friendly, helpful woman doctor was ready and willing to do a sterilization whenever I was ready. In fact, it was so “easy” our insurance plan PAID for it in it’s entirety. The reason I chose this was because I no longer felt I could take the birth control pill, somehow equating it’s chemical concoction to an increased risk of breast cancer which my mother had just died from. I was of the understanding that having the breast cancer risk PLUS taking the Pill would increase my risk of contracting the disease enormously.

Because the other forms of ABC were not 99%-100% I couldn’t take the risk of becoming pregnant again. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea how life can change. I had zero idea of what it meant to have faith and I absolutely had no idea this act was something called a MORTAL SIN in the eyes of the Catholic Church, of which I was not yet a member.

So it was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. I found out around 1998-1999 by reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church what I’d (we’d) done. I began researching about reversing sterlizations … but 1) saw by my surgery information and xrays that my lovely doctor had cauterized my tubes so completely they were obliterated, and 2) even to try to have something done to fix the tubes, even if there was the slightest chance of becoming pregnant again, the incidence of ectopic pregnancy was HUGe, and 3) even if 1 and 2 were the case, going under anesthesia again and putting myself at risk for complications when I already had two beautiful little children at home…was not a good decision. And that’s not even considering taking a loan out to pay for a surgery for about $10,000 at that time.

My H and I have warned everyone we know about this travesty. A couple of people learned from it and avoided making the same / similar decision. Others have not. But we do our part whenever possible.

I feel like such a terrible hypocrite with our (now) adult children. I have made a point to talk about how children are a blessing. And they know the teachings of the Church. But I have never confessed to them what I did. I have confessed this sin, as has my H. I wish I didn’t ever have to tell them what I did.

My only hope is that they will understand and forgive my terrible ignorance of something that I learned about too late.

God Bless all of you whom God allowed by Grace to find out this grave sin before you’d done something permanent!

 

[LaSainte]

Heck, I’ll take it a step farther and say we need to be teaching these things to our CHILDREN as they grow up! That using birth control is always gravely sinful, that children are a blessing, that many sexual acts are sinful, etc. That way, none of THEM will have to look at a lifetime of sin and try to change their sexual lives 180 with their spouses and still stay faithful to the Church.

Yes. This teaching completely goes against everything society tells us, to the point where when I realized this was grave matter in my early 30s, I was like,“You have GOT to be kidding me. What a joke!” It was like telling me that eating a ham sandwich is grave matter. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend why. It really hurt my faith and caused friction between me and my husband and even me and my mother. I am only now just beginning to come around, and although I obey the teaching now, I still struggle with it being considered to be wrong 100% of the time. I still think there should be exceptions for people whose lives are in danger or even older women who can’t accurately predict their fertility. Having a child with Downs at age 50 and knowing that you will probably die and leave that child with nobody to care for him or her seems so awfully sad to me when it could so easily be prevented.

Anyway, I feel that if I had been taught about this early on, it would just be sort of a part of my mental programming as opposed to something I have had to try and force myself to buy into for the sake of obedience and being able to take communion at mass. And of course there’s the fact that it has basically changed the rules in the middle of the game for my husband and I as well.

We may have even tried for another child after our 2 boys, but now we are so paranoid that NFP will fail us anyway that if we tried for a 3rd, we could end up with an accidental 4 or 5, so going for a 3rd on purpose is totally out.

If we had known all of this ahead of time, it would have been easier on us and on our marriage. I really resent not being taught this considering I am a cradle Catholic with 9 years of Catholic school and all the sacraments for which I am eligible and having been married IN THE VATICAN. I mean, really???

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is such a big issue. My H was raised Catholic, I was not. We went into marriage with the understanding that I would be on birth control until we were “ready” to have children. There was no teaching on birth control issues. I was a nominal Orthodox Christian and I never once heard anything from that church about these things. My family and the world taught me that you get on birth control when you don’t want children. The priest that witnessed our marriage did not talk to us about the sin of birth control. Not.One.Word. We did go to Pre-Cana (that was absolutely the most worthless nonsense ever). I do not recall one word about contrception being a sin.

We had two children. We had financial crisis. A death in the family. I suffered deep depression and fear. I decided that I could not handle having another child. The two children were enough. My friendly, helpful woman doctor was ready and willing to do a sterilization whenever I was ready. In fact, it was so “easy” our insurance plan PAID for it in it’s entirety. The reason I chose this was because I no longer felt I could take the birth control pill, somehow equating it’s chemical concoction to an increased risk of breast cancer which my mother had just died from. I was of the understanding that having the breast cancer risk PLUS taking the Pill would increase my risk of contracting the disease enormously.

Because the other forms of ABC were not 99%-100% I couldn’t take the risk of becoming pregnant again. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea how life can change. I had zero idea of what it meant to have faith and I absolutely had no idea this act was something called a MORTAL SIN in the eyes of the Catholic Church, of which I was not yet a member.

So it was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. I found out around 1998-1999 by reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church what I’d (we’d) done. I began researching about reversing sterlizations … but 1) saw by my surgery information and xrays that my lovely doctor had cauterized my tubes so completely they were obliterated, and 2) even to try to have something done to fix the tubes, even if there was the slightest chance of becoming pregnant again, the incidence of ectopic pregnancy was HUGe, and 3) even if 1 and 2 were the case, going under anesthesia again and putting myself at risk for complications when I already had two beautiful little children at home…was not a good decision. And that’s not even considering taking a loan out to pay for a surgery for about $10,000 at that time.

My H and I have warned everyone we know about this travesty. A couple of people learned from it and avoided making the same / similar decision. Others have not. But we do our part whenever possible.

I feel like such a terrible hypocrite with our (now) adult children. I have made a point to talk about how children are a blessing. And they know the teachings of the Church. But I have never confessed to them what I did. I have confessed this sin, as has my H. I wish I didn’t ever have to tell them what I did.

My only hope is that they will understand and forgive my terrible ignorance of something that I learned about too late.

God Bless all of you whom God allowed by Grace to find out this grave sin before you’d done something permanent!

Please, do not beat yourself up! And you are NOT in any way a hypocrite! You are someone who learned from her terrible mistake, and does not want others to recreate it! A hypocrite would be someone who continues some behavior while proselytizing against it. You are not that person! You do not need to confess to your children. You have been absolved, and they do not need to know. You are teaching them the RIGHT way to live, as you were NOT TAUGHT. How can we know what we were never taught???

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Please, do not beat yourself up! And you are NOT in any way a hypocrite! You are someone who learned from her terrible mistake, and does not want others to recreate it! A hypocrite would be someone who continues some behavior while proselytizing against it. You are not that person! You do not need to confess to your children. You have been absolved, and they do not need to know. You are teaching them the RIGHT way to live, as you were NOT TAUGHT. How can we know what we were never taught???

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Heck, I’ll take it a step farther and say we need to be teaching these things to our CHILDREN as they grow up! That using birth control is always gravely sinful, that children are a blessing, that many sexual acts are sinful, etc. That way, none of THEM will have to look at a lifetime of sin and try to change their sexual lives 180 with their spouses and still stay faithful to the Church.

I saw this as a top priority after I started learning more about our faith. We try to show our children what joy it brings us to have a happy, faith-filled marriage. We talk to them about abortion and discuss the HHS mandate on an age-appropriate level. Since our son’s older we’re able to be a lot more open and blunt with him, so he hears more from me in a single talk than I ever heard from my parents, or my teachers or our priest before we married. I explain things from both a faith-based and practical side, discussing not only why it’s morally wrong, but the negative effects it has on your health and the environment. Plus, we do everything we can to show them that this is our way of life. It’s how we live and what we believe.