Thoughts on what age dating should start?

[Cat]

My son is 16. My personal theory, he can begin dating once he is 30 and married to a nice Catholic girl. Just kidding. If he wants to meet a girl at a school dance, that’s okay. If he wants to double-date, etc, that’s okay, too. Right now he needs to focus on his school, rather than “being in love”. That might change if he actually had a girl he wanted to take out, but considering he has no job yet and doesn’t drive…I think he’s content with group activities for now. I didn’t date until I was nearly 18, just because I didn’t have time and was focused on other things. Considering I have been married almost 30 years, I think I did okay. And I didn’t marry a “good Catholic boy”, either. But then I wasn’t Catholic, so why would I?
Kris

My daughter started dating her husband when she was 14 and he was 16. His parents have told us many times that IT WAS WHEN HE STARTED DATING MY DAUGHTER that he got serious about life, and started working harder in school and at his full-time job (McDonalds).

He was in love and trying to prove himself a good man to our daughter, who encouraged him to do good things and develop his many gifts (intelligence, athleticism, mechanical aptitude, kindness and generosity) .

She condemned him when he did foolish things (e.g., buy a motorcycle–within a few weeks after he bought it, she persuaded him to take it back! It’s not the motorcycle that she condemned, but the spending of the money that he needed for college tuition.

His grandmother also has nothing but praise for my daughter and rejoices in the day that her grandson started dating her, because she encouraged him to be more serious about God and religion. In fact, it was MY DAUGHTER who convinced him to get baptized. He is a Christian because of her.

I hope that this will make many of you parents think really really hard about your hard-line “no dating” policies. You are assuming that when a teenager “falls in love,” that it will result in them sitting around daydreaming, not doing homework, spending money foolishly, having sex, etc.

Where did you get this idea?!

If you have no more confidence in your children than that, then what on earth did you do with them for the first 10-12 years of their lives to make them into such losers!! Surely you did a better job of raising them than that!

If you truly raised kids that will utterly mess up their lives once they go out with a member of the opposite sex, then tightening the reigns in their teen years will not help. It’s too late for you and your kids. You’ve lost them, and it’s too late to try to start over now.

But I have more confidence in you! Surely you instilled some good values into your children, didn’t you?

My husband and I started dating when we were 15 and 16. We were both brains in high school, and our dating made two brains into one superbrain. Together, we did homework, wrote plays, encouraged each other to excel over everyone else academically, and we both helped each other to get through college and have good jobs in fields that offer lots of employment opportunities and provide great salaries.

We have been married for 34 years this summer, and we still encourage each other to do new things, develop our talents, and be the best people we can be.

I honestly think that if I had not come along, my husband would be living in a dinky apartment with three other geeky guys, eating peanut butter and mayo sandwiches every night, and never doing anything outside of his computer job other than playing with computers.

And if he had not come along, I can’t even begin to say what I would have done with my life. I can’t imagine. For one thing, I wouldn’t have been a mother to two beautiful daughters.

Have a little confidence in your children!

 

[Debora123]

My daughter started dating her husband when she was 14 and he was 16. His parents have told us many times that IT WAS WHEN HE STARTED DATING MY DAUGHTER that he got serious about life, and started working harder in school and at his full-time job (McDonalds).

He was in love and trying to prove himself a good man to our daughter, who encouraged him to do good things and develop his many gifts (intelligence, athleticism, mechanical aptitude, kindness and generosity) .

She condemned him when he did foolish things (e.g., buy a motorcycle–within a few weeks after he bought it, she persuaded him to take it back! It’s not the motorcycle that she condemned, but the spending of the money that he needed for college tuition.

His grandmother also has nothing but praise for my daughter and rejoices in the day that her grandson started dating her, because she encouraged him to be more serious about God and religion. In fact, it was MY DAUGHTER who convinced him to get baptized. He is a Christian because of her.

I hope that this will make many of you parents think really really hard about your hard-line “no dating” policies. You are assuming that when a teenager “falls in love,” that it will result in them sitting around daydreaming, not doing homework, spending money foolishly, having sex, etc.

Where did you get this idea?!

If you have no more confidence in your children than that, then what on earth did you do with them for the first 10-12 years of their lives to make them into such losers!! Surely you did a better job of raising them than that!

If you truly raised kids that will utterly mess up their lives once they go out with a member of the opposite sex, then tightening the reigns in their teen years will not help. It’s too late for you and your kids. You’ve lost them, and it’s too late to try to start over now.

But I have more confidence in you! Surely you instilled some good values into your children, didn’t you?

My husband and I started dating when we were 15 and 16. We were both brains in high school, and our dating made two brains into one superbrain. Together, we did homework, wrote plays, encouraged each other to excel over everyone else academically, and we both helped each other to get through college and have good jobs in fields that offer lots of employment opportunities and provide great salaries.

We have been married for 34 years this summer, and we still encourage each other to do new things, develop our talents, and be the best people we can be.

I honestly think that if I had not come along, my husband would be living in a dinky apartment with three other geeky guys, eating peanut butter and mayo sandwiches every night, and never doing anything outside of his computer job other than playing with computers.

And if he had not come along, I can’t even begin to say what I would have done with my life. I can’t imagine. For one thing, I wouldn’t have been a mother to two beautiful daughters.

Have a little confidence in your children!

This post right here is pretty much exactly what I was thinking the whole time I was reading about all the hard lines in age parents put on their children when it comes to dating.

Great Post!!!

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that is the key.

The general culture sees the teenage years as a time of nonending dances, flirting and other romantic activity, but there are so many other factors to that time period, that no one really needs the entanglement of a relationship.

I stand by what I said earlier. No “couple” activity until over 17. There will be time for that in adulthood.

ICXC NIKA

You can’t keep them from falling hard for someone, and it is not prudent to imply that you can. That is just asking for trouble. But it is not unrealistic to insist that young people always be chaperoned until they reach a certain age. If you can keep that up until they reach 18, I think that is best, yes. Some young people are secretly relieved that they do not have to draw the line about near occasions of sin on their own, and have their parents to “blame” for that help in staying on the straight and narrow.

 

[EasterJoy]

…If you have no more confidence in your children than that, then what on earth did you do with them for the first 10-12 years of their lives to make them into such losers!! Surely you did a better job of raising them than that!

If you truly raised kids that will utterly mess up their lives once they go out with a member of the opposite sex, then tightening the reigns in their teen years will not help. It’s too late for you and your kids. You’ve lost them, and it’s too late to try to start over now.

But I have more confidence in you! Surely you instilled some good values into your children, didn’t you?

My husband and I started dating when we were 15 and 16. We were both brains in high school, and our dating made two brains into one superbrain. Together, we did homework, wrote plays, encouraged each other to excel over everyone else academically, and we both helped each other to get through college and have good jobs in fields that offer lots of employment opportunities and provide great salaries.

We have been married for 34 years this summer, and we still encourage each other to do new things, develop our talents, and be the best people we can be.

I honestly think that if I had not come along, my husband would be living in a dinky apartment with three other geeky guys, eating peanut butter and mayo sandwiches every night, and never doing anything outside of his computer job other than playing with computers.

And if he had not come along, I can’t even begin to say what I would have done with my life. I can’t imagine. For one thing, I wouldn’t have been a mother to two beautiful daughters.

Have a little confidence in your children!

Are you saying that you would not have had such a great relationship if you had been required to keep yourselves properly chaperoned until you were 18?

Don’t you also agree that being raised well includes having been raised to avoid near occasions of sin, and that it is foolish for any of us to think we ought not to need or want any help in keeping out of the tide of our passions? Nature should not be underestimated. The desires that grow between men and women, even very young ones, are like a swollen stream only two feet deep. They do not look like much, but they have enough power to take trains off of their tracks. There have been many adults, adults who are married to other people, who worked together in offices and neglected that analogy to their everlasting regret. Even some priests and consecrated religious have fallen into that trap, and I think young people need some help in giving it a wide berth.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You can’t keep them from falling hard for someone, and it is not prudent to imply that you can. That is just asking for trouble. **But it is not unrealistic to insist that young people always be chaperoned until they reach a certain age. If you can keep that up until they reach 18, **I think that is best, yes. Some young people are secretly relieved that they do not have to draw the line about near occasions of sin on their own, and have their parents to “blame” for that help in staying on the straight and narrow.

You are going to have a babysitter for your 16 year old when they get home from school? What about driving? It is totally unrealistic to think that you can control someone like that. Going out to dinner and a movie is a near occasion of sin? That is hilarious.

Keeping that tight of a leash on a kid will just turn the kid into a liar and a sneak. I would rather a kid tell me who, what, when, and where instead of sneaking out of the house because they can never to anything.

 

[GEddie]

You can’t keep them from falling hard for someone, and it is not prudent to imply that you can. That is just asking for trouble. But it is not unrealistic to insist that young people always be chaperoned until they reach a certain age. If you can keep that up until they reach 18, I think that is best, yes. Some young people are secretly relieved that they do not have to draw the line about near occasions of sin on their own, and have their parents to “blame” for that help in staying on the straight and narrow.

Of course you can’t stop anybody from “falling hard for someone.”

Dating activity, however, requires money, which the parents do have control over. (Unless the kid is working, which itself will limit the time and energy available for dating activity.)

There is also a difference IMM between group dating and “couple activity”. The first can be relatively innocent; the second unless supervised is anything but.

ICXC NIKA

 

[EasterJoy]

You are going to have a babysitter for your 16 year old when they get home from school? What about driving? It is totally unrealistic to think that you can control someone like that. Going out to dinner and a movie is a near occasion of sin? That is hilarious.

Keeping that tight of a leash on a kid will just turn the kid into a liar and a sneak. I would rather a kid tell me who, what, when, and where instead of sneaking out of the house because they can never to anything.

I can expect my 16 year old not to spend time alone with another young person of the opposite sex without anyone else around. I’m not talking about policing them. I’m talking about giving them expected rules of behavior. The general public or even a single other person can serve as a chaperone for someone who actually wants to keep themselves out of trouble. It is like expecting young people to stay out of the liquor cabinet without actually locking it. If they understand why the rules are there and they actually want to keep themselves out of trouble, they’ll follow those rules. If they don’t want to follow them, if they’re bent on doing what they want to do, it isn’t me making them into a liar and a sneak. Prudent rules of self-policing are not what is providing the near occasion of sin here! It is the vain belief that one has more self-control than the rest of humanity has!

Of course going out alone for the amount of time required for dinner and a movie with someone to whom you are sexually attracted presents a near occasion of sin. Even priests and seminarians who go out with a parishioner for an evening like that will arrive and leave in separate cars, unless the woman in question is 20 or 30 years their senior. If that is a reasonable precaution for a priest and a married woman, tell me why it is not a reasonable precaution for seventeen year olds?

 

[dshix]

I have just found and read through this thread. There seems to be a singular level of misunderstanding between different posters in the thread, and I wish to address the reason why some parents think it is perfectly all right to let their kids begin unsupervised dates at 15-16 and other parents believe their kids should be carefully watched until 18 and maybe a bit older.

The issue here is all a matter of what level to which the parent has taught the child. If the child is anything like what most children tend to be in this day and age, I would generally say that they need to be supervised and directed carefully up to an older age.

There were a few posts in the thread which struck me as particularly problematic.

The older a person gets, the EASIER it is for them to have sex. After all, a parent can’t be with them all the time. The 18+ person is often in school or working, and in most cases, these people have their own place, even it’s just a dorm room somewhere.

Certainly you can tell your 18+ child to remain in your home where the rules will be followed. But you can’t STOP an 18+ child from moving out and finding their own place. And once a person is living away from their parents, it’s really really easy to have sex.

You’re kidding yourself if you think that waiting will help your child to not have sex. It gets harder for them to avoid sex the older they get, because everyone they know is having sex.

So what I’m saying here is allow your teens to date while you as a parent still have control and can actually work to thwart their attempts to have sex. Once they are 18 or older, you no longer control them (even though you think you do), and they WILL be MORE likely to have sex or do other things that are not right.

Cat, your point of view seems to be entirely based on probability. “The older they get, the greater chance they will have sex, so, therefore, let them out earlier while you can still control them so that they can get some experience,” is basically what you are saying.

I heartily disagree with this. When a teen is younger, say, 14-15, and asks, “Can I go on a date? All my friends are going out with each other and I want to,” this opens up a conversation. You can talk to your child (yes, a teen is a CHILD) and essentially explain that dating is a road to marriage, and if he/she is not ready for marriage, then there really is no good reason to be dating. You can talk with your teen about how to channel his/her romantic impulses into forming friendships without trying to make a relationship.

The fact is that when two teens start getting emotional and romantic about each other, they really and truly wear themselves out for no reason at all. When a person falls in love, that was intended by God to lead them directly to marriage. When a couple starts at age 14, they can’t legally get married for FOUR years, and it isn’t likely they can get married until long after that.

The truth is that if you let them form strong friendships with their peers instead of the romantic relationships, then can easily and effectively turn that into a dating relationship when they get older.

Joko2599;10651290:

Well I’m 13, but personally, I believe dating should wait until teens are done with school and have sexual self-control. And it should be with somebody they truly love.

I don’t think 12-14 year olds have any business in dating. 15-17 is iffy. 18+ and sexually responsible until marriage is perfectly fine with me though.

So.,.how old do you think people are when they “have sexual self-control?”

Joko2599, I’m going to answer the question for you. There is no such age.

Whoa!

You seriously think there is no way for teens is practice chastity? You think life is just an eternal spinning fortune wheel, and if you are “lucky” you’ll be chaste?

A person can CERTAINLY have sexual self-control and have a chaste mindset LONG before they begin dating, and that is determined by how they are raised. Teens can certainly control themselves just as well as adults, if they are raised to do so.

You are going to have a babysitter for your 16 year old when they get home from school? What about driving? It is totally unrealistic to think that you can control someone like that. Going out to dinner and a movie is a near occasion of sin? That is hilarious.

Keeping that tight of a leash on a kid will just turn the kid into a liar and a sneak. I would rather a kid tell me who, what, when, and where instead of sneaking out of the house because they can never to anything.

This is irresponsible. Your child is not an adult; letting him/her go out by himself with a person of the opposite gender IS inviting trouble. If you have raised the child so this is not a problem, good for you. If you have not had extensive talks with your child on this subject, and are not absolutely sure they are reliable, yet you let them go on exclusive, unsupervised dates, that is very irresponsible.

---

These are not all the posts I wished to respond to, but I will let it pass for now since I do not have more time. I will continue to respond to the thread.

 

[Debora123]

You are going to have a babysitter for your 16 year old when they get home from school? What about driving? It is totally unrealistic to think that you can control someone like that. Going out to dinner and a movie is a near occasion of sin? That is hilarious.

Keeping that tight of a leash on a kid will just turn the kid into a liar and a sneak. I would rather a kid tell me who, what, when, and where instead of sneaking out of the house because they can never to anything.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

This is irresponsible. Your child is not an adult; letting him/her go out by himself with a person of the opposite gender IS inviting trouble. If you have raised the child so this is not a problem, good for you. If you have not had extensive talks with your child on this subject, and are not absolutely sure they are reliable, yet you let them go on exclusive, unsupervised dates, that is very irresponsible.

.

You should have extensive talks with your kids. That is why you are a parent, to teach. Being a parent isn’t to keep your kids locked up until they are 18 and then hope they have the right tools to make it through life. You have to slowly clip those apron strings, that would include allowing your children to grow up. You can’t stop people from making certain decisions, if kids want to have sex, they will have sex. It doesn’t take long to do it and 10 minutes after school is all it takes, folks. Or 10 mintues when they get off of work. You should talk to your kids and teach them what is right and wrong, but ultimately THEY will make the choice. Free will is kinda crazy, I guess. I know of a girl who wasn’t allowed to date, she still got pregnant in high school. Dates or no dates, it isn’t going to stop kids from doing what they want to do.
I do think kids should have boundaries, but if you haven’t taught your kid what you expect of them before they reach a certian age, boundaries will be pointless.
Also, all of the kids I knew in college who were wild and crazy were the ones who wasn’t allowed to have a life as a teen. Momma left them and not long after they were whooping it up. Why? Because they didn’t know what to do without momma. They never had to say no to peer pressure because momma was always there to say no for them.

 

[Kamaduck]

Of course you can’t stop anybody from “falling hard for someone.”

Dating activity, however, requires money, which the parents do have control over. (Unless the kid is working, which itself will limit the time and energy available for dating activity.)

There is also a difference IMM between group dating and “couple activity”. The first can be relatively innocent; the second unless supervised is anything but.

ICXC NIKA

Whether this statement is true or not depends on how you define dating. The number of people on this thread who define dating solely as driving to a place and spending money on a movie or meal is almost amusing. I know that is a definition of the word “dating”, but it is by no means the only definition in use. It is perfectly possible for two teens to consider themselves “dating”, even if they only see each other at school and directly afterwards, plus exchanging messages outside of school hours, using either calls, texts, or social networking.

I am wondering- would you and others say that these activities should also be forbidden for young teens? I ask because I have no idea how a parent could possibly keep a teen from interacting with someone in this way, short of extreme measures like changing schools. I have at least one childhood friend who has “dated” three classmates without her parents even knowing.

 

[EasterJoy]

15 for my son.

Never for my daughters.

You would not be the first father-of-the-bride I’ve ever seen who looks like he’s at a funeral. Generally speaking, when I ask men what fellow would be good enough for their daughters, including themselves and their immediate relatives–anybody! any man in the world!–they are lucky if they can think of one or two among all of the men they know, even those who have been successful at the vocation of marriage for decades!

Teach your son that if you ever find out he has shown less respect to another man’s daughter than you expect your daughter’s suitors show towards her, he will have to answer to you.

 

[dshix]

You should have extensive talks with your kids. That is why you are a parent, to teach. Being a parent isn’t to keep your kids locked up until they are 18 and then hope they have the right tools to make it through life. You have to slowly clip those apron strings, that would include allowing your children to grow up. You can’t stop people from making certain decisions, if kids want to have sex, they will have sex. It doesn’t take long to do it and 10 minutes after school is all it takes, folks. Or 10 mintues when they get off of work. You should talk to your kids and teach them what is right and wrong, but ultimately THEY will make the choice. Free will is kinda crazy, I guess. I know of a girl who wasn’t allowed to date, she still got pregnant in high school. Dates or no dates, it isn’t going to stop kids from doing what they want to do.
I do think kids should have boundaries, but if you haven’t taught your kid what you expect of them before they reach a certian age, boundaries will be pointless.
Also, all of the kids I knew in college who were wild and crazy were the ones who wasn’t allowed to have a life as a teen. Momma left them and not long after they were whooping it up. Why? Because they didn’t know what to do without momma. They never had to say no to peer pressure because momma was always there to say no for them.

I agree with this. That is exactly why you don’t let the kid start dating until you have ascertained that they know exactly what is best for them, by your own teaching.

However, to say that “since you can’t control what your kids do, you should just let them go on and date,” does not logically follow. Just because a kid knows and agrees that he should not have sex when he is 16 doesn’t mean he/she should date. It is unnecessary.

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course you can’t stop anybody from “falling hard for someone.”

Dating activity, however, requires money, which the parents do have control over. (Unless the kid is working, which itself will limit the time and energy available for dating activity.)

There is also a difference IMM between group dating and “couple activity”. The first can be relatively innocent; the second unless supervised is anything but.

ICXC NIKA

Although dating can be made obscenely expensive, dating doesn’t have to require that much money, if the couple doesn’t have any. All they want is a place to talk and get to know each other, to enjoy the same activities. Hiking, for instance, is free. Going to school sporting events together is free, and the cost of school social events is usually nominal. Besides, the activities that require more money are probably more likely to be in a public situation where nothing is going to happen than those that are free. After all, it doesn’t cost anything to meet secretly behind the bleachers at the high school.

I’m not implying that dating rules can be forced on a teen who is determined to break them. I’m implying that even prudent young adults do better if they are given rules that reflect the power of the temptations that are coming their way. It is the young people who do not want to fall but who believe they are stronger than they are that I’m most concerned about. The ones who want to tempt fate by their foolishness can hardly be kept from doing it. The ones who want to be smart, though, they need to be given boundaries that reflect the power of what is coming. When they are older and know themselves better, one hopes that they will keep within boundaries of their own.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I agree with this. That is exactly why you don’t let the kid start dating until you have ascertained that they know exactly what is best for them, by your own teaching.

However, to say that “since you can’t control what your kids do, you should just let them go on and date,” does not logically follow. Just because a kid knows and agrees that he should not have sex when he is 16 doesn’t mean he/she should date. It is unnecessary.

If you haven’t taught your kids what you expect and what you will allow by middle school, you aren’t going to get through to them. By age 12 kids think parents don’t know what they’re talking about.
At age 16 that kid has a car, they can say they are going to the mall with a group of same sex friends and meet their boyfriends there. That is why 16 is usually the dating age, because at that age they do get a car and a bit of freedom. It isn’t bad for kids to grow up. It is a part of life.

 

[iheartdance]

I’m not dating until collage. Dance is enough on my plate

 

[angeldia30]

IMO this is what happened to me and I’m about to graduate college. I believe my father (way more than my mother) was way too over-protective. I usually would plead with my mother to talk with my father because she was more open to the idea of group dating than my father. I wasn’t able to date until 20 :ehh: I was very opposed and incredibly unhappy as to how the whole “dating thing” was put into affect.

First of all, any guy that would ask me out would have to meet with my parents and have to talk to them. -Any teenager being told this is like :dts: so many of them don’t show up when invited to come over. Another thing was that if he did come and he hopefully can in a car… He would have to get out of the car, ring the doorbell and talk about who you are, what are your intentions, where are you going, are you going alone, what are you to do when you get there, then You Will be back by midnight.

As another posted, what was allowed as a preacher’s daughter:shrug: so courting was the only option in my family. The chaperon was a must before you could even leave the house even wanted to talk the guy’s mom …(Don’t know why)
I didn’t get many guys to want to talk to my father after telling him all this… I don’t know maybe I should’ve just let the guy show up and then tell him??
I would think that you should be able to go out with friends in group dating by 15 while there was a constant debate with my parents. He insisted on 18 and older when you get to college and my mother thought that 16 with chaperones or group dating would be a good idea.

 

[dshix]

If you haven’t taught your kids what you expect and what you will allow by middle school, you aren’t going to get through to them. By age 12 kids think parents don’t know what they’re talking about.

I agree that these things should be taught before they are teens. I never said otherwise; I’m not sure why you mentioned that.

However, I disagree that teens utterly disregard their parents after page 12. If your kids act like that, that’s your fault, not just theirs.

At age 16 that kid has a car, they can say they are going to the mall with a group of same sex friends and meet their boyfriends there.

If they have a car, that’s YOUR fault. A kid that age should not have a car of their own.
If they buy their own car with their own money, that’s a different matter. That would suggest they are much more mature, in which case you should have no difficulty talking to them about sexual matters.

That is why 16 is usually the dating age, because at that age they do get a car and a bit of freedom. It isn’t bad for kids to grow up. It is a part of life.

That’s your opinion. A kid should probably not start being given adult privileges until he/she is an adult. That… should be self-evident.

 

[dshix]

First of all, any guy that would ask me out would have to meet with my parents and have to talk to them. -Any teenager being told this is like :dts: so many of them don’t show up when invited to come over. Another thing was that if he did come and he hopefully can in a car… He would have to get out of the car, ring the doorbell and talk about who you are, what are your intentions, where are you going, are you going alone, what are you to do when you get there, then You Will be back by midnight.

Very good. Looks like your dad knew what he was doing.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I agree that these things should be taught before they are teens. I never said otherwise; I’m not sure why you mentioned that.

However, I disagree that teens utterly disregard their parents after page 12. If your kids act like that, that’s your fault, not just theirs.

If they have a car, that’s YOUR fault. A kid that age should not have a car of their own.

That’s your opinion. A kid should probably not start being given adult privileges until he/she is an adult. That… should be self-evident.

Kids don’t utterly disregard their parents, but kids do tend to think that parents are stupid when they are teens.

Everyone I knew growing up got a car at 16. Like, everyone. The high school parking lot was full of 4 wheel drives that boys had and 4 door sedans that the girls had. There is no walking anywhere in the town I grew up in, since there is NOTHING in the town. You have to drive 20 minutes down a country highway to get to a McDonalds. lol.

I don’t think holding hands and walking around the mall is an adult privilege. I don’t think going to the movies or a football game and sitting next to a person you like is wrong at 16. I will never think that is an adult only activity. I don’t think baking cookies and decorating your boyfriend’s locker with his football number for homecoming is an adult privilege AT ALL.