Tips for a heathly marriage -- your input welcomed

[Tommy999]

Tom,
with 34 years and again congradulations on the mile stone, I think you could and should be giving out the advice! I would say after 28 years, going to Church together, sharing the same faith and commitment builds a healthy marriage. I think there is no magic bullet and it is as simple as that!

Thanks, Robwar. I appreciate it a lot. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m a lot better at relaying what not to do than what *to do *because we got married very young and I had a lot to learn about marriage and what it took to be a good husband. Unfortunately, I went to the school of hard knocks for awhile but things gradually got better as I matured in the Lord. I still have a long way to go though.

One word of advice is to “think outside the box” a little in your marriage to avoid getting into boring ruts. For example, one thing we started this summer that we decided to do on Friday evenings is “International Food Friday”, as we call it. If we can afford it, we go to a restaurant of a different nationality each time.

So far, we’ve been to Mexican, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Jamaican, Italian, Irish, German, Arab, and other assorted restaurants this summer just to try something new. It was my idea, and it seems to be a good change of pace for us. We’ve met a lot of nice people and have tried to be a witness to Christ’s love when we are socializing with those from other cultures. We hold hands and say grace in a matter of fact way but we do not flaunt it. However, we are not ashamed of our Lord or to pray in public.

 

[UNITE_MY_WILL]

After 29 years, I would say…

1. Don’t marry someone who you can with, marry someone you can’t live without.
2. Always be mindful of the reasons you fell in love, especially in times of difficulty.
3. Make a point to spend quality time together.
4. Always greet each other with a nice kiss, especially when one comes home.
5. Hold hands as much as possible.

Peace,
T

 

[Kal2012]

A marriage isn’t going to work if your attitude is “my way or the highway.”

Compromise.

Having common goals.

(Our big thing is working the plan. Even if our goals change, we talk constantly about where we see ourselves going and how we are going to get there. When times get tough, I spend a lot of time saying ‘I’m working my part of the plan. We’re each doing our part to make sure the plan is successful.’)

 

[Tommy999]

Thanks for all the good insights, everyone. I hope others can benefit from them as much as I have.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’ll be trite and say communication.

But Nicky and Sila Lee, two marriage experts, also talk about affair-proofing one’s marriage.

 

[Tommy999]

A marriage isn’t going to work if your attitude is “my way or the highway.”

Compromise.

Having common goals.

(Our big thing is working the plan. Even if our goals change, we talk constantly about where we see ourselves going and how we are going to get there. When times get tough, I spend a lot of time saying ‘I’m working my part of the plan. We’re each doing our part to make sure the plan is successful.’)

I agree, Kal2012. Compromise and common goals are very important. Both spouses need to be on the same page or it’s like a ship without a rudder. You wind up spending a lot of energy getting pulled in different directions.

 

[Tommy999]

I’ll be trite and say communication.

But Nicky and Sila Lee, two marriage experts, also talk about affair-proofing one’s marriage.

Hi SperLuigi,
That almost sounds like a worthwhile class or study for married couples to take, the one about affair-proofing one’s marriage.

 

[SED]

I’ll approach this from a different perspective. As someone who was married 25 years before my spouse asked to separate. We are still married, still freindly, and i’m still trying to stay with hope for a change of heart, but seperated over a year. No change yet. Its not easy to stay hopeful.

My advise:

Don’t ever be too proud to seek (good)help of when you hit the difficult times.

Never think this can’t happen to us, we’re better than that, We’ll be fine…that only happens to those other couples.

 

[Tommy999]

I’ll approach this from a different perspective. As someone who was married 25 years before my spouse asked to separate. We are still married, still freindly, and i’m still trying to stay with hope for a change of heart, but seperated over a year. No change yet. Its not easy to stay hopeful.

My advice:

Don’t ever be too proud to seek (good)help of when you hit the difficult times.

Never think this can’t happen to us, we’re better than that, We’ll be fine…that only happens to those other couples.

Thanks for sharing something so personal, SED. You’re right, none of us are above help and nobody is immune for marital issues so we should seek help while we can. I hope and pray that things will work out for you, with God’s help.

 

[Tommy999]

After 29 years, I would say…

1. Don’t marry someone who you can with, marry someone you can’t live without.
2. Always be mindful of the reasons you fell in love, especially in times of difficulty.
3. Make a point to spend quality time together.
4. Always greet each other with a nice kiss, especially when one comes home.
5. Hold hands as much as possible.

Peace,
T

All of these are good reminders for all of us, UNITE MY WILL, I need to work harder at #4 but am improving at #5. Holding hands means a lot to my wife. It wasn’t a big deal to me, but since it is more important to her her I’ve adjusted to it as best I can. Now I kind of like it, too.

 

[Tommy999]

Something my husband and I learned which has helped us immensely: LOVE IS A DECISION������

I agree, cradlecatholic5. Sometimes I don’t always feel loving or lovable, but we still need to make the decision to love our spouse, just like we don’t always feel like going to Mass/church but we should do so anyway because love is a decision and not just an emotion that we show when we feel it.

 

[Prodigirl]

Thanks for sharing your personal experience, Petersprincess1. I’m glad to hear you learned unconditional love relatively early on. Sometimes it takes folks several years to learn what you did, that is – if they learn it at all.

I’ve also seen the Fireproof movie and liked it a lot. It even brought me to tears near the end, I must admit.

I’m curious: how does one turn love on and off like a faucet? This is no joke. Are people confusing love with simple duty?

 

[pensmama87]

I’m curious: how does one turn love on and off like a faucet? This is no joke. Are people confusing love with simple duty?

Love is not just “warm fuzzies.” Love requires work to live.

I love my children. I do not always feel warm and fuzzy with them. Especially when my 3 yo screams “No” at the top of his lungs in my face, or when my 1 yo decides to investigate toilet contents (thankfully that one has only happened once.) But even though I don’t “feel” loving toward them, I still love them all that time. Yes, some of it is duty, and obligation as a parent. But I have that duty because I love them.

With spouses it’s a bit different because we’re talking about two adults, but I think love for children explains the “love as action” concept well. Hopefully, in a marriage, both spouses are working toward the good of the other. Both are giving 100% instead of thinking each only has to do half the work (lends itself to doing lots of comparing and contrasting and trying to figure out if you’re being taken advantage of.) Doing loving things for the people you love tends to reinforce the loving feelings you have for them, but no matter what there are going to be stages in life when that feeling is absent, even if they are temporary. I think a lot of people today just expect the “high” to always be there no matter what they do or don’t do, and that’s not reality. I don’t think we have to be resigned to never having that high of romantic love after it wears off the first time, because I think it can come back, but experiencing that is not the ultimate experience of a loving marriage, IMO.

I have a post-it stuck to my mirror that says, “Feelings are not facts.” This is a good reminder. Our feelings can lie to us sometimes. When I wake up at 2:30 in the morning and my husband isn’t in bed because he fell asleep reading in his chair AGAIN and all the lights are blaring in the living room and our electric bill is already too high, my feelings can go in an instant to some petty, mean places. But I’m tired and worried and not thinking clearly.

 

[Tommy999]

Hi Prodgirl,
Not sure what you mean, but I can be a little dense sometimes. One does not turn love on and off like a faucet, or at least I don’t know anyone like that. I think what some have mentioned on this thread is that love is more than just an an emotion that we feel.

It is also a decision that we consciously make – to love someone even if we don’t necessarily feel loving or lovable or when we don’t feel all the emotions that accompany romantic love. We choose to love and forgive even if the other person did something to tick us off.

It’s doing the right thing even if we sometimes don’t feel like doing it. It’s not holding vendettas or grudges with our spouse. It’s not allowing the sun to go down on our wrath.

It’s not allowing resentment to fester. It’s a conscious decision to love even when we don’t feel like loving and usually the emotions will follow sooner or later, or at least that has been my experience.

 

[Tommy999]

Love is not just “warm fuzzies.” Love requires work to live.

I love my children. I do not always feel warm and fuzzy with them. Especially when my 3 yo screams “No” at the top of his lungs in my face, or when my 1 yo decides to investigate toilet contents (thankfully that one has only happened once.) But even though I don’t “feel” loving toward them, I still love them all that time. Yes, some of it is duty, and obligation as a parent. But I have that duty because I love them.

With spouses it’s a bit different because we’re talking about two adults, but I think love for children explains the “love as action” concept well. Hopefully, in a marriage, both spouses are working toward the good of the other. Both are giving 100% instead of thinking each only has to do half the work (lends itself to doing lots of comparing and contrasting and trying to figure out if you’re being taken advantage of.) Doing loving things for the people you love tends to reinforce the loving feelings you have for them, but no matter what there are going to be stages in life when that feeling is absent, even if they are temporary. I think a lot of people today just expect the “high” to always be there no matter what they do or don’t do, and that’s not reality. I don’t think we have to be resigned to never having that high of romantic love after it wears off the first time, because I think it can come back, but experiencing that is not the ultimate experience of a loving marriage, IMO.

I have a post-it stuck to my mirror that says, “Feelings are not facts.” This is a good reminder. Our feelings can lie to us sometimes. When I wake up at 2:30 in the morning and my husband isn’t in bed because he fell asleep reading in his chair AGAIN and all the lights are blaring in the living room and our electric bill is already too high, my feelings can go in an instant to some petty, mean places. But I’m tired and worried and not thinking clearly.

Thank you, pensmama87. You stated what I was trying communicate, only you communicated it more clearly and with great examples. I appreciate it very much.

 

[robwar]

Thanks, Robwar. I appreciate it a lot. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m a lot better at relaying what not to do than what *to do *because we got married very young and I had a lot to learn about marriage and what it took to be a good husband. Unfortunately, I went to the school of hard knocks for awhile but things gradually got better as I matured in the Lord. I still have a long way to go though.

One word of advice is to “think outside the box” a little in your marriage to avoid getting into boring ruts. For example, one thing we started this summer that we decided to do on Friday evenings is “International Food Friday”, as we call it. If we can afford it, we go to a restaurant of a different nationality each time.

So far, we’ve been to Mexican, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Jamaican, Italian, Irish, German, Arab, and other assorted restaurants this summer just to try something new. It was my idea, and it seems to be a good change of pace for us. We’ve met a lot of nice people and have tried to be a witness to Christ’s love when we are socializing with those from other cultures. We hold hands and say grace in a matter of fact way but we do not flaunt it. However, we are not ashamed of our Lord or to pray in public.

I love international food, if you can try Thai, didn’t see that one on the list. Also Lebanese have a great food as well. Happy eating! When we were first married, I was the one that like the hot stuff, now my husband likes the hot spicy stuff so go figure. We went to a Punjabi restaurant once. We were obviously the only white folk there. The people treated us like royality and bent over backwards to serve and help us decide what to eat. People eating and sitting at the tables next to us made suggestions to help. Food again was very good and they took so much pride in it. I like your idea and sometimes when you go to the smaller more authentic pop and mom ones, you do get opportunity to reach out to others as well as understand the culture.

 

[Petersprincess1]

I’m curious: how does one turn love on and off like a faucet? This is no joke. Are people confusing love with simple duty?

It’s hard to explain, but when I first married my husband, when he would do something that would upset me, I felt like that’s it I’m done and I want out…but it wasn’t until I realized that I need to love him unconditionally, that it was ok to be angry and upset, I’m going to choose to love him anyway. I realized that to love someone is not a feeling, but a conscience choice and my love doesn’t depend on actions or reactions. Love is always there, whether I’m angry at him or not. And doing “the love dare” for 30 days (without my husband knowing I was doing it) really helped me. It opened my eyes to how there are 3 in a marriage…God, my husband and me. And if you keep it in that order, everything else falls into place. I highly recommend the love dare to anyone who feels their marriage can use a boost.

 

[PolarGuy]

Never fight with your spouse unless your position is so important to you that you want your spouse to lose.

 

[Prodigirl]

Love is not just “warm fuzzies.” Love requires work to live.

I love my children. I do not always feel warm and fuzzy with them. Especially when my 3 yo screams “No” at the top of his lungs in my face, or when my 1 yo decides to investigate toilet contents (thankfully that one has only happened once.) But even though I don’t “feel” loving toward them, I still love them all that time. Yes, some of it is duty, and obligation as a parent. But I have that duty because I love them.

With spouses it’s a bit different because we’re talking about two adults, but I think love for children explains the “love as action” concept well. Hopefully, in a marriage, both spouses are working toward the good of the other. Both are giving 100% instead of thinking each only has to do half the work (lends itself to doing lots of comparing and contrasting and trying to figure out if you’re being taken advantage of.) Doing loving things for the people you love tends to reinforce the loving feelings you have for them, but no matter what there are going to be stages in life when that feeling is absent, even if they are temporary. I think a lot of people today just expect the “high” to always be there no matter what they do or don’t do, and that’s not reality. I don’t think we have to be resigned to never having that high of romantic love after it wears off the first time, because I think it can come back, but experiencing that is not the ultimate experience of a loving marriage, IMO.

I have a post-it stuck to my mirror that says, “Feelings are not facts.” This is a good reminder. Our feelings can lie to us sometimes. When I wake up at 2:30 in the morning and my husband isn’t in bed because he fell asleep reading in his chair AGAIN and all the lights are blaring in the living room and our electric bill is already too high, my feelings can go in an instant to some petty, mean places. But I’m tired and worried and not thinking clearly.

“Feelings are not facts.” Haven’t heard that in over 20 years. Thanks.

 

[Tommy999]

I love international food, if you can try Thai, didn’t see that one on the list. Also Lebanese have a great food as well. Happy eating! When we were first married, I was the one that like the hot stuff, now my husband likes the hot spicy stuff so go figure. We went to a Punjabi restaurant once. We were obviously the only white folk there. The people treated us like royality and bent over backwards to serve and help us decide what to eat. People eating and sitting at the tables next to us made suggestions to help. Food again was very good and they took so much pride in it. I like your idea and sometimes when you go to the smaller more authentic pop and mom ones, you do get opportunity to reach out to others as well as understand the culture.

You’re right, Robwar. We haven’t done Thai and Lebanese yet but they are now on the list. My only issue is that my wife can handle the hot and spicy foods but me – not so much. Hopefully they will also have some not so spicy foods, also. Take care and thanks for sharing.