Tired of being the nice girl 👧

[Aulef]

I’m not sure we’re obliged to be nice to everyone.

What I am sure is that we, christians, need to obey the Law of the Church and increase in moral and theologal virtues

 

[Joey12]

have been a christian for 24 years and I am so tired of being nice to people. It seems like the nicer I am the more I get walked on. However, I love Jesus and I have to “turn the other cheek” bit here lately my emotions are getting the better of me and I feel like I just can’t do it anymore.
So, how do you be a follower of Jesus when you can’t stand the human race?

Every time you love your neighbour you store up treasures in heaven. Just be you and love the way you can. Don’t try to be “nice” if you are putting on a front to other people. Jesus wants us to be ourselves, not some image of what we perceive as the perfect Christian. Just be yourself and let Jesus make you into the perfect you.

 

[Bluebright]

Ask Jesus for help. You dont have to do it by yourself. In fact that is probably your problem and I know that because I have fallen foul of this too. Thinking I am strong only to start falling and failing and then panicking cos it is all too much. Then thankfully in confession I moaned about this and the priest (obviously acting in the person of Jesus) told me not to think I am strong and to depend on God more. He said God tests us to make us humble and boy do I need that! So perhaps you could try offering these annoying people up to God in your prayers, the priest suggested the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for me, for all my annoying people. It is helping me deal with the frustrations I have them, I offer them and the frustrations I have, up to God so that I might come to a point where I change for Him, because I do know that it is me that must change not them… I am the one whose tolerance must grow.

 

[Tshort]

This was so helpful to me, I love the explanation of “turn the other cheek”

 

[Tshort]

Awesome! thank you for this!

 

[Aquinas11]

I have been a christian for 24 years and I am so tired of being nice to people. It seems like the nicer I am the more I get walked on. However, I love Jesus and I have to “turn the other cheek” bit here lately my emotions are getting the better of me and I feel like I just can’t do it anymore.
So, how do you be a follower of Jesus when you can’t stand the human race?

Same thing happened to me, I had to learn to set boundaries with people. People taught me the “sandwich” technique. Two pieces of bread with meat in the middle, the meat is where you set the boundary, the bread is where you say something positive at beginning/end of interaction. Example

Bread: “I just want to say that I really enjoy our relationship…”

Meat: “However, yesterday when you said ______, that was inappropriate and I would ask you to please not say such things around me in the future.”

Bread: “I look forward to us continuing our relationship and hope this conversation helps that”

 

[CelticWarlord]

how do you be a follower of Jesus when you can’t stand the human race?

Become a hermit. Like me.

But really, I am very much like you. I have as little human contact as I can get away with. I am far too sensitive for life in this world (panic attacks, depression, and anxiety disorder are the result) and will be very glad when it’s over. My initial reactions to being offended are no longer violent, which is a good thing. I like to think I’m maturing, like a mediocre wine. Here’s a few things I’ve picked up along the way which I hope will help some;

-It’s okay to ignore people.
-Risking rejection is a sign we are giving our heart to the world. This is good.
-Being frequently hurt means we are empathetic. It’s alright to guard against this when we can handle no more.
-Emotions are temporary. We can get over stuff quickly but we have to learn to let things go. Difficult but entirely possible.

Blessings to you.

 

[Lee1]

I seem to recall that we are to forgive not a few times but seventy times seven? According to my Bible “in scripture seven represents totality and completeness. Therefore “seventy seven” means that we must be willing to forgive others without limit.” That’s the Didache Bible, with commentaries based on the Cathechism of the Catholic Church, ignatious Bible Edition, Midwest theological forum, ignatious press.
Just saying.

 

[therese1998]

This was so helpful to me, I love the explanation of “turn the other cheek”

It TOTALLY changed my perspective, too. Glad to share

I have as little human contact as I can get away with. I am far too sensitive for life in this world (panic attacks, depression, and anxiety disorder are the result) and will be very glad when it’s over.

I am very much like this as well, although my career brings me in contact with people all day, every day…but mostly children, who are easier for me to deal with and “drain” me less (in contrast to other people), which is good. Funny, just had a discussion today with someone about how being sensitive (she called it “empathic”) was a personality trait that is very draining For me, literally scheduling “down time/alone time” EVERY DAY has been critical and quite effective.

My initial reactions to being offended are no longer violent, which is a good thing

LOL! I can relate

-It’s okay to ignore people.
-Risking rejection is a sign we are giving our heart to the world. This is good.
-Being frequently hurt means we are empathetic. It’s alright to guard against this when we can handle no more.
-Emotions are temporary. We can get over stuff quickly but we have to learn to let things go. Difficult but entirely possible.

Awesome, awesome advice! Love it!

I seem to recall that we are to forgive not a few times but seventy times seven? According to my Bible “in scripture seven represents totality and completeness. Therefore “seventy seven” means that we must be willing to forgive others without limit.”

Yes, this is very true. And very hard. But do-able. Because all things are possible with God.

 

[SantaMaria]

Be nice but firm when necessary. It’s okay to speak your mind when people are using you or being nasty towards you. If you keep tolerating people that brings out the worse in you then that’s your problem for being so nice they won’t care if you’re hurting because to them you’re just nice. They think that’s the way you are but you really should stand your ground. I’m also 24 and tired of being nice and treated like dirt by my boss eventhough I’m doing nothing wrong… sorry for bad English

 

[DarkLight]

Same thing happened to me, I had to learn to set boundaries with people. People taught me the “sandwich” technique. Two pieces of bread with meat in the middle, the meat is where you set the boundary, the bread is where you say something positive at beginning/end of interaction. Example

Bread: “I just want to say that I really enjoy our relationship…”

Meat: “However, yesterday when you said ______, that was inappropriate and I would ask you to please not say such things around me in the future.”

Bread: “I look forward to us continuing our relationship and hope this conversation helps that”

Unfortunately, there are people who will use this to conclude what you just said is “not that” bad, or who will decide that you’re just being oversensitive or silly. Sometimes you get people who you have to say, either you will stop behaving this way or we will not be interacting anymore.

@Tshort, I looked in your profile - I see you have children. Think of it this way: you’re nice and loving and kind to your children, but you still tell them no sometimes. Because a lot of times they want things that aren’t actually good, or they’re just being demanding, or something. And you recognize that you can love them without giving them everything they want. Adults aren’t children, but the same is true; you can be kind and loving to someone without giving them everything they want, even if they throw a fit about it.

Maybe you’re not as “nice” or as distinct from the “human race” as you imagine. Could it be you’re like the rest of us?

This is actually an extremely common problem for young women, especially in certain sectors of conservative protestantism. There gets to be an expectation that a good girl doesn’t make anyone angry or upset by telling them no, but somehow has infinite energy to do everything. And still manages to stand up for her faith somehow without making anyone upset.

FYI, I mostly shed the idea of being “nice” after a year or two of living in a particular area that had a lot of men who seemed to think a women walking in public was in desperate need of an unchaste encounter. You could play 20 questions “but whyyyy?” or you could learn to tell them to get lost already.

 

[Edgar]

I’m not sure we’re obliged to be nice to everyone.

After all, Jesus said don’t offer pearls to swine.

 

[Tshort]

@Darklight Love all of this, thank you so much!

 

[gcshapero]

1. Who said we are supposed to be “nice?” What does “nice” even mean?

We should be good, loving, and obedient to God – but nice?

1. Who ever said we are supposed to be doormats? Christ never proposed this and it’d be wrong. We should learn to be giving to others and learn to deny ourselves, but this doesn’t mean being a doormat.

 

[Lee1]

Loving is nice I think, why would you show love without a smile? A smile is the cheapest gift you can give another and it’s nice.
“Humility, purity of intention and service …define greatness for the followers of Christ.” According to the Didache Bible translation of Mark 9:35-37.
Along with forgiving seven times seventy, which means for eternity, indefinitely forgiving, I see the strength in these ‘weaknesses’.

 

[DarkLight]

Loving is nice I think, why would you show love without a smile? A smile is the cheapest gift you can give another and it’s nice.

Usually because some people take a smile to mean “I’m not serious.”

 

[Lee1]

Really? So okay but I think that’s a subjective thing, while I’m writing this I’m not smiling by the way. Sometimes when I pray I smile and so far I think I’m taken seriously.

I remember once smiling sweetly at a baby and it cried loudly! So maybe I shouldn’t smile at others.

I’m aging there’s nothing wrong with being ‘nice’ why not be generous in our dealings with others. How can you not smile when you know that the faithful are promised eternal life? How can you not smile when you consider the graces already heaped upon you in your life?

I smile to free myself from the burden of morbidity sometimes.

 

[DarkLight]

Really? So okay but I think that’s a subjective thing, while I’m writing this I’m not smiling by the way. Sometimes when I pray I smile and so far I think I’m taken seriously.

If you have people who don’t want to take no for an answer, then you don’t want to smile when you say no too much because they’ll take it as a sign that you can be talked out of your no. And it’s important to be able to be someone who can say no and mean it. Otherwise you can’t plan your life and set your own priorities, because you’re always running around trying to make everyone else happy.

Think of it using the example I used with kids. If you have tell a kid that they’re doing something wrong and need to not do it again, you don’t smile at them because they’ll get the wrong idea and think maybe you don’t really mean that they need to not do that.

 

[Lee1]

I see what you mean. It’s true I had kids and though I’d often start off with a smile I’d alter that if they weren’t listening.

So being a little more careful in what I’m saying I’d agree that when and when not to smile is highly dependant on the situation.

I’ve had the impression that Our Lady has smiled to various people in the past, but I don’t suppose she smiles at the enemy. Having said all that, it’s possibly also about your disposition.

Humility and forgiveness are key I think to our attitude as Catholics and agreed smiling whilst doing it is optional.

 

[DarkLight]

So being a little more careful in what I’m saying I’d agree that when and when not to smile is highly dependant on the situation.

Honestly it’s a super cultural thing anyway. Some places take smiling more seriously than others - even within the U.S., there are areas where everyone smiles at everyone, and there are areas where lots of smiling will make people think you’re insincere.