To be comfirmed or not?

[MaryandJoseph]

My 15 year old will freeing admit that he attends Mass and comfirmation class ONLY because he has no choice. He is a terrific altar server (infact Father will ask him to fill in when someone fails to show) and he believes in God…but that is the extent of it.

Although my husband (a cradle Catholic) and me (a convert) both agree that our son should attend Mass, we disagree about “forcing” him to take comfirmation class. My husband believes that he should be comfirmed and I believe that by forcing him, he will abandond everything when he is old enough to do so. It took me 41 years to Come Home to Holy Mother Church (an atheist before that) and I don’t want our son to hate our beautiful faith or God which is happening now,

Talking to priests about this is confusing to me. The liberal ones say to let him make his own choices while the conservative ones say we are making the right call with this,I am not sure what to do here. Do I stand up to my husband and allow our son to drop comfirmation until he is ready or continue to make our son attend even though he does not believe?

 

[Corki]

Confirmation is only one of the three part Sacraments of Initiation. Did you force him to be Baptized or to receive First Holy Communion? Do you “force him” to do other things that you believe are good for him such as seeing the dentist regularly and eating nutritious food? Why would you believe that your duties as a parent of a 15 year old apply only to his physical welfare and not to his spiritual health?

 

[waanju]

You should make him go to the classes (in fact, maybe send him to the classes for adults rather than with all the other high schoolers, because those classes usually have much more focus on “ice breakers” than actual teaching about faith.) You should make him attend mass.
HOWEVER… if he truly doesn’t believe, you should not MAKE him get confirmed. He would be lying, and I think that’s almost sacrilegious! In fact, maybe he should just go up for the blessing at communion if he doesn’t believe that it is the true presence (for the same reason).
Basically, teach him all you can and try to lead him to faith. But do not force him to lie and says he believes something he doesn’t. That would most likely drive him AWAY from truly believing. Giving him permission to explore and question (while still attending mass/ learning about the faith) will give him a stronger faith, because he CHOSE it. He will believe it because it is true, rather than pretending to believe because you made him.
MOST IMPORTANT HERE is that you continue to teach him. Don’t let him just stop learning. And try to make sure he’s in a good confirmation class, some of the bad ones are counterproductive.

 

[Rence]

My 15 year old will freeing admit that he attends Mass and comfirmation class ONLY because he has no choice. He is a terrific altar server (infact Father will ask him to fill in when someone fails to show) and he believes in God…but that is the extent of it.

Although my husband (a cradle Catholic) and me (a convert) both agree that our son should attend Mass, we disagree about “forcing” him to take comfirmation class. My husband believes that he should be comfirmed and I believe that by forcing him, he will abandond everything when he is old enough to do so. It took me 41 years to Come Home to Holy Mother Church (an atheist before that) and I don’t want our son to hate our beautiful faith or God which is happening now,

Talking to priests about this is confusing to me. The liberal ones say to let him make his own choices while the conservative ones say we are making the right call with this,I am not sure what to do here. Do I stand up to my husband and allow our son to drop comfirmation until he is ready or continue to make our son attend even though he does not believe?

Well, take it from the catechism:

1319 A candidate for Confirmation who has attained the age of reason must profess the faith, be in the state of grace, have the intention of receiving the sacrament, and be prepared to assume the role of disciple and witness to Christ, both within the ecclesial community and in temporal affairs.

Sounds like he meets those criteria above. He doesn’t have the intention, and he’s not prepared to assume the role. I too agree that if you force him, it will push him further from the Church. But you as his parent know him better than we do. Postponing Confirmation doesn’t make him less Catholic. He should really consent to it. Forcing him is not the same as giving consent.

 

[Rence]

You should make him go to the classes (in fact, maybe send him to the classes for adults rather than with all the other high schoolers, because those classes usually have much more focus on “ice breakers” than actual teaching about faith.) You should make him attend mass.
HOWEVER… if he truly doesn’t believe, you should not MAKE him get confirmed. He would be lying, and I think that’s almost sacrilegious! In fact, maybe he should just go up for the blessing at communion if he doesn’t believe that it is the true presence (for the same reason).
Basically, teach him all you can and try to lead him to faith. But do not force him to lie and says he believes something he doesn’t. That would most likely drive him AWAY from truly believing. Giving him permission to explore and question (while still attending mass/ learning about the faith) will give him a stronger faith, because he CHOSE it. He will believe it because it is true, rather than pretending to believe because you made him.
MOST IMPORTANT HERE is that you continue to teach him. Don’t let him just stop learning. And try to make sure he’s in a good confirmation class, some of the bad ones are counterproductive.

Exactly! I think he should complete the class as well. But in the end, the decision must be his.

 

[R_C]

My 15 year old will freeing admit that he attends Mass and comfirmation class ONLY because he has no choice.

Good. Obedience is a great virtue. Christ did not enjoy being scourged, crowned with thorns, and crucified. He displayed great obedience: “not what I want, dad, but what you want.”

In reality, you son is still choosing to attend - because he does have a choice You are not chaining him and dragging him to Holy Mass…

Do not worry about “forcing” him. Worry instead about the temptation you are facing, to deny him the permanent seal of the Holy Spirit and the fullness of His Seven Gifts.

Perhaps you may benefit by taking some time as a family, weekly, to read the Compendium of the Catechism together, or some good RCIA book. Converse about the wonderful meaning of being sealed by the gift of the Holy Spirit. Understand together what it means that the Sacrament of Confirmation conferred by the Bishop acts ex opere operato.

Perhaps you may want to review the readings for September 30. Realize that it was something that God had desired to give their children for literally thousands of years, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and that your son has not said that he does not want to receive it. He simply does not fully know what he is going on - otherwise he would be anxious to be confirmed in Christ.

Two men had stayed back in the camp …] The spirit came down on them; though they had not gone to the Tent, their names were enrolled among the rest. …] Joshua son of Nun, who had served Moses since he was a boy, spoke up and said, ‘My lord Moses, stop them!’ Moses replied, 'Are you jealous on my account? Oh, that all the people might prophesy, and that the Lord would give them his spirit!

Perhaps this is a time of trial for your son. Is he receiving spiritual direction from a priest? It may help him quite a bit.

 

[Zimm3r]

Don’t force him, shouldn’t he have the choice of what he believes in? If you force him to go to confirmation class and be confirmed, it isn’t HIS belief and faith, it is your’s that you put on him. Baptism and First Communion the person doesn’t really have a choice as they are a baby and then around seven years old (if I remember correctly) when they receive those.
As for those who say you aren’t forcing him because he isn’t chained to the bed, you are unless you want him to not follow what you say (I think there is a commandment about that ). Allow him the choice, it is HIS turn to decide whether he believes the teachings of the catholic church (you could say it is his turn whether or not to CONFIRM his belief ).

TL;DR: It should be his choice, he is becoming an adult, and while he may not be 18 it should still be his choice to go to the classes and to be confirmed, yes his decision to not go may be detrimental to him in your eyes but he should learn to make his own choice and what happens when you do.

For those who say he should be forced, why? It will make him just hate his parents for forcing him against his will (a form of “rape” on the free will) and hate what he was forced to believe in. Plus why shouldn’t he make his own choice? He will be an adult soon, he will be driving a car soon, he should be able to choose whether he wants to believe something or not.

 

[Rence]

In reality, you son is still choosing to attend - because he does have a choice You are not chaining him and dragging him to Holy Mass…

To the OP, what would happen if your son told you he wasn’t going to attend Mass anymore and was not going to be an altar boy anymore? Any ramifications? What exactly would happen?

 

[Gorgias]

Well, take it from the catechism:

1319 A candidate for Confirmation who has attained the age of reason must profess the faith, be in the state of grace, have the intention of receiving the sacrament, and be prepared to assume the role of disciple and witness to Christ, both within the ecclesial community and in temporal affairs.

No, I disagree. If he’s there at church to receive the sacrament, his intent will be ‘to be confirmed’. (Unless he was telling you that he hates the Church, disagrees with all its teachings, and is only there so you won’t punish him, of course. But, when you ask a 15-year-old “are you coming to church because you want to?”, you’re asking a totally different question – and you’ll get an easily-anticipated answer! )

and he’s not prepared to assume the role.

Again, I disagree. I think you’re reading that incorrectly. “Prepared” here, I would assert, doesn’t mean “eager and ready to jump in and get at it”; rather, it means that he’s received sufficient preparation – that is, catechesis. If he’s gone to class, heard the information, and knows the material, then he’s been prepared.

On the other hand, we’re not saying that a person must be ready to act on that preparation immediately following Confirmation… or else there’d be almost no licit Confirmations…

I too agree that if you force him, it will push him further from the Church.

Then again, isn’t that the constant dynamic between parents and teens? Push / resist. Force / complain. Yet, one day, when you’re not there to push or force, the formation they received will (hopefully) lead them to taking the correct steps on their own…

 

[Rence]

No, I disagree. If he’s there at church to receive the sacrament, his intent will be ‘to be confirmed’. (Unless he was telling you that he hates the Church, disagrees with all its teachings, and is only there so you won’t punish him, of course. But, when you ask a 15-year-old “are you coming to church because you want to?”, you’re asking a totally different question – and you’ll get an easily-anticipated answer! )

I think that’s what she said in her first post… She said:

My 15 year old will freeing admit that he attends Mass and comfirmation class ONLY because he has no choice. He is a terrific altar server (infact Father will ask him to fill in when someone fails to show) and he believes in God…but that is the extent of it.

Again, I disagree. I think you’re reading that incorrectly. “Prepared” here, I would assert, doesn’t mean “eager and ready to jump in and get at it”; rather, it means that he’s received sufficient preparation – that is, catechesis. If he’s gone to class, heard the information, and knows the material, then he’s been prepared.

He doesn’t want to be confirmed. He is rejecting confirmation. Perhaps after he completes the class, he will change his mind. However, if he doesn’t just because he knows the material, doesn’t mean he’s prepared. He still has to agree, and not under duress.

Then again, isn’t that the constant dynamic between parents and teens? Push / resist. Force / complain. Yet, one day, when you’re not there to push or force, the formation they received will (hopefully) lead them to taking the correct steps on their own…

It usually doesn’t turn out well when parents coerce kids into “believing”. Being coerced isn’t the same thing as freely consenting. When I was confirmed, I wholeheartedly consented. If I would have said I didn’t want to be confirmed, my parents would have waited until I was ready to consent. There is no merit into forcing someone.

 

[albertus_magnus]

You can’t really force someone to believe.

While I think you should continue to make him attend the classes, whether or not he wants to get Confirmed is up to him.

 

[R_C]

At least I did not mean to say he should be “forced” to receive Confirmation. But since I know what Confirmation is, means, and to a very small extent, I know the benefits of it, I think it would be terrible to even give up the learning process and stop attending class.

I mean: the OP says that her son even goes to Holy Mass only because he has no choice…by her words, the virtue of obedience is the only thing keeping him from apostasy. It’s delicate ground. The influence of the parents and the spiritual direction of a pastor may be important in helping him make the right choice.

Ultimately it is God’s will that nobody be forced to do anything. Otherwise we would all be in heaven right now.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can coerce someone to do the studying necessary to prepare for confirmation, but you can’t coerce a person into confirmation. Does your son really not want to confirm his baptismal promises? If he doesn’t, I don’t think the bishop would consider him properly disposed to receive the sacrament.

 

[EasterJoy]

At least I did not mean to say he should be “forced” to receive Confirmation. But since I know what Confirmation is, means, and to a very small extent, I know the benefits of it, I think it would be terrible to even give up the learning process and stop attending class.

I mean: the OP says that her son even goes to Holy Mass only because he has no choice…by her words, the virtue of obedience is the only thing keeping him from apostasy. It’s delicate ground. The influence of the parents and the spiritual direction of a pastor may be important in helping him make the right choice.

Ultimately it is God’s will that nobody be forced to do anything. Otherwise we would all be in heaven right now.

I’d absolutely make him take the class, just as I would make my kids take the courses in high school necessary to give them the choice to attend college…and I would put it in just those terms: Sorry, kid, but your education is my duty. The choice to seek confirmation or not will be yours; the choice to prepare so as to have the opportunity to seek it or not when the time comes is not. You’re going to have that choice, when the time comes, whether you like it or not.

 

[Hmgbrd]

When I was reading the responses above the thought occurred to me of what Pope Benedict XVI has said which is, **“You cannot love what you don’t know”. **This also ties into the New Evangelization as part of the Year of Faith that began last week and applies to other catholics that have fallen away or only received knowlege of the faith until they were about 13 years old. There is no end to our Faith. It’s not like getting a one time driver’s license and that is it. Everyone is in a constant state of learning and spiritual growth.

I believe that he should continue to go to and finish his confirmation class. You, as a convert know, as do I, that at the end of RCIA we freely chose to enter into the Church. I see the exposure to the Gospel and truths of the Church in his classes as only being positive. Attending mass, confession and receiving the Eurcharist is also a must of course! Your son is already catholic by baptism and nothing will change that. Does he know that? Faith is a choice just like any other important life decision. We choose to believe. We choose to love. We choose to marry. Even some saints have doubted. But they chose to stick with it. I think that many people have gone through periods of “dryness” or disappointment in life. But choosing to continue is what is important. This is a lesson for the future, his future. Think of the classes and what he will learn as insurance or seeds planted for the future and then pray for their fruition. Be a good example to him and share with him why you converted and what was missing in your life before you came home. If he leaves and then decides in 20 years that he does want to be confirmed, he will have to take a year of RCIA again!!! (There was one in my class!) Why not now and not later? Finally, don’t underestimate the power of the Real Presence of our Lord during Mass either.

I think that your son is just being a teenager and doesn’t want to attend the class because it isn’t “cool” with his friends or maybe a girl he likes in school. He should respect you and your husband as his parents and finish the classes.
He can talk to your priest later when he knows the whole picture.

 

[EmRoAmRo]

I won’t tell you what to do with your own child. I will simply share that my own parents forced me to be confirmed, and I even left the church for a time. I have since returned and am so grateful they made me. We may never know what graces I received through that sacrament, but I feel I would make my own child certainly.

 

[Gorgias]

I think that’s what she said in her first post

Right – if you ask a 15-year-old, “if you had the choice between coming here to Mass or sitting at home, which would you do?”, guess what answer you’re going to get? If you asked him “want to go with your Mom and pick up a burger?”, you’re likely to get the same answer! Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his Mom; just means that he’s a 15-year-old.

He doesn’t want to be confirmed. He is rejecting confirmation.

I think our difference in opinion comes from the fact that you see these two statements as being equivalent, and I say – especially in the context of a 15-year-old – that they’re worlds apart…!

However, if he doesn’t just because he knows the material, doesn’t mean he’s prepared.

I would argue that the canons and the catechism are using the word “preparation” in a way different than you are.

1309 Preparation for Confirmation should aim at leading the Christian toward a more intimate union with Christ and a more lively familiarity with the Holy Spirit - his actions, his gifts, and his biddings - in order to be more capable of assuming the apostolic responsibilities of Christian life. To this end catechesis for Confirmation should strive to awaken a sense of belonging to the Church of Jesus Christ, the universal Church as well as the parish community. The latter bears special responsibility for the preparation of confirmands.

See? Preparation “aims” at something – its goal anticipates making the person “more capable”; it’s “catechesis”, and it’s an action that the “parish community” “bears special responsibility” for!

In this context, “being prepared” speaks to catechesis, not to state of mind, per se.

He still has to agree, and not under duress.

And all he’s saying is that, left to his own devices, he wouldn’t seek it out – not that he wouldn’t agree to it! He’s an altar server, for crying out loud – he’s demonstrating that he’s amenable to the wishes of his elders, and isn’t making claims that he refuses to participate in the Church! It’s unrealistic to think that he’d have the reaction to the Church of a 45-year-old…!

It usually doesn’t turn out well when parents coerce kids into “believing”.

How interesting… I think it’s as valid to assert that it usually doesn’t turn out well when parents don’t provide encouragement, support, and direction…

 

[waanju]

I know two people, let’s call them Luke and Joseph. Both were in my class all through parochial school. Both were in my confirmation class. Both grew up in pretty devout families. Luke and Joey were pretty close friends and we liked to talk about “intellectual” things. (we considered ourselves pretty smart cookies back then)
In 9th grade (nearly 5 years ago now!) we all started confirmation classes together. We also entered the stage in faith where we became curious about why we believed and began to question things that we had been taught since birth. Basically, we asked ourselves “Is this stuff REALLY what I think? Is it the real truth?” Up to this point, Luke, Joey, and I were the same: teenagers who had been raised in the church that had a growing desire to understand and to question our beliefs.
It’s in our parents’ reactions that our cases began to differ. Upon sharing their questions with their parents, both Joey and Luke said that they weren’t sure if they believed (Luke in the Catholic Church specifically and Joey in God at all).Both expressed that they felt it would be disrespectful to people who really did believe if they were publicly confirmed into a faith they didn’t actually hold. Luke’s parents responded by telling him that he HAD to believe and of COURSE he would be confirmed, that it was just a stage and he was being a rebel. Joey’s parents responded that such questions were okay and were a part of growing up. Both parents continued to make their sons attend confirmation class, with Joey’s parents further suggesting that he research his questions, helping him to read the Bible and Catechism as well as allowing him to research, with guidance, other religions that he expressed desire in learning more about to compare. Luke’s parents, on the other hand, just kept dragging him to class and being frustrated with him, so that he felt unable to approach them with his questions and thus gave up on investigating. He assumed that, since his parents were so intimidated by his doubts, there wasn’t any response to them, and thus the church was wrong.
By time confirmation rolled around (a year later), Luke (now leaning towards being an atheist) was threatening to tell the bishop “No, I refuse to believe in such an ignorant religion.” Still, he was dragged into line in a suit and ties and actually got confirmed. Joey, on the other hand,(who by this time had moved to deciding which form of Christianity was true) decided that he wanted to wait one more year, because he still wasn’t sure and he didn’t want to be a hypocrite.
Two and a half years later, we’re all in college. Joey did end up getting confirmed and now places even greater emphasis on his faith because he sees it as something that he freely chose and that he really believes because it is true, not just because it was the only option he was given. Luke has completely rejected religion and stopped going to mass the day he left his parents’ house.

I’m not saying that either set of parents was to blame. Each did what they thought was best for their child. Who knows, the same results could have happened regardless. I’m also not saying that your son would respond the same way. However, allowing your child to question and not trying to force a belief (which is impossible short of some kind of hypnosis anyway) will reduce the possibility of resentment and allow your child to remain open to your guidance as he explores his faith. Then, when he eventually is confirmed, you will know that he really does believe, perhaps more strongly than he would if he had never questioned.

Again, this is just an example from personal experience (my parents were sort of like Joey’s). It may not be the universal “right choice”. Anyways, I hope all works out with your son. He’ll be in my prayers.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, taking the class and actually getting confirmed are two different things.

I would definitely insist he continue with the classes. As a parent, these classes still guide him, educate him and assist him in forming his faith. He may receive information that helps him better understand the faith and the sacrament of confirmation. He can’t accept or reject confirmation without a full understanding of what it means. As a parent, I agreed to raise him in the faith, my kids completing these classes- regardless of their decision about confirmation are a minimum to me in fulfilling that obligation.

So, I would insist he take the classes regardless of what his/your decision about actually being confirmed will be.

The catechism, as someone else pointed out, directs this be a choice by the individual themselves. It should however, be a fully informed choice.

He says he believes in God, well, what is it about the Catholic faith he no longer accepts that would keep him from being confirmed? Those things need to be addressed through education.

• Does he believe Jesus was real or a myth?
• If real, does he believe Jesus established a Church?
• If so, how does he think Jesus expected the Church to operate and teach?
• Does he think the Catholic Church abides by what Jesus taught or not?

I would recommend you have him read some books on apologetics as well as the early history of the Church. Faith of the Early Fathers, Vol I is a collection of the earliest christian writings.

 

[Rence]

Right – if you ask a 15-year-old, “if you had the choice between coming here to Mass or sitting at home, which would you do?”, guess what answer you’re going to get? If you asked him “want to go with your Mom and pick up a burger?”, you’re likely to get the same answer! Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his Mom; just means that he’s a 15-year-old.

I don’t think anyone can be any clearer than, “I don’t believe”. You can force a kid to go to Church, but you can’t force them to believe. Confirmation is for those who are ready for it and he clearly isn’t.

I think our difference in opinion comes from the fact that you see these two statements as being equivalent, and I say – especially in the context of a 15-year-old – that they’re worlds apart…!

The difference is that the Church recognizes that the 15 year old is of the age of consent, which he clearly doesn’t. I’m afraid you don’t extend this right to consent to a 15 year old. If they’re that immature, then surely the can’t even commit, so why bother. He’s 15. That doesn’t mean his brain is made of jello.

I would argue that the canons and the catechism are using the word “preparation” in a way different than you are.

I’m sure the canon and Catechism has the same definition for “consent” that I do.

See? Preparation “aims” at something – its goal anticipates making the person “more capable”; it’s “catechesis”, and it’s an action that the “parish community” “bears special responsibility” for!

Though this particular 15 year old does say he believes in God, he has chosen to not build his relationship with Christ through Confirmation at this time. You can’t tell people how to build their relationship with God. That’s an indivual choice. Thankfully, his Bishop should know that as well. Would these parents even allow this kid to tell the Bishop he dosen’t freely consent? I think not…because the Bishop then wouldn’t confirm him.

In this context, “being prepared” speaks to catechesis, not to state of mind, per se.

If he’s not in the right state of mind, then the decision would be delayed until he is.

And all he’s saying is that, left to his own devices, he wouldn’t seek it out – not that he wouldn’t agree to it! He’s an altar server, for crying out loud – he’s demonstrating that he’s amenable to the wishes of his elders, and isn’t making claims that he refuses to participate in the Church! It’s unrealistic to think that he’d have the reaction to the Church of a 45-year-old…!

I think it’s already been made clear that he is an altar boy due to the pressings of his parents, not because he wants to do it. If his parents would give him the choice, he would not be an altar boy. Like it or not, disobeying parents comes with it’s burdens, one he doesn’t want to deal with right now. When he’s of age, if they keep pressing him and coercing him, he will just fall away. This person is not ready to be confirmed, forcing him isn’t going to make him more ready. He doesn’t need to be 45 to consent to confirmation. Most kids don’t. If they’re forced, the meaning to them is quite different than if they consent.

How interesting… I think it’s as valid to assert that it usually doesn’t turn out well when parents don’t provide encouragement, support, and direction…

Providing encouragement, support and direction are quite different than forcing and coercing