To spank or not to spank, that is the question

[misericordie]

Chip D:

I have one child and have been a Montessori teacher for the last 9 years. I am also an orthodox Catholic. While I have read good arguments for spanking I have never found it necessary, nor have I found arguments that were good enough. When I look at the parents that I respect the most, it seems as though they are firm and kind with their children, and show the children a great deal of respect while still maintaining a healthy parental authority. I really believe that it is our job as parents to teach our children to learn to think for themselves, not just obey. Obedience is important, but the children must trust the adult in orderly to be truly obedient. Unfortunately, all too often I find that most families that use spanking do so during power struggles. That does not breed trust and respect. The key is not to get into the power struggle in the first place. There are many good parenting books that will tell you how to do that. I think one of the most important factors in making this kind of decision is to look to the families that you respect the most (not just in how the parents behave, but how the children behave), and ask them. Respect breeds respect.

I love the Maria Montesori teaching methods. Did you know she was a very good catholic and she was friends with Saint Padre Pio??

 

[Greg_McPherran]

Be firm but avoid spanking unless really necessary. Only spank in cases such as open rebellion where the child is just making trouble and is not acting out of any emotional pain. Sometimes a child is just asking to be spanked. Other times one may have to look beneath the surface to understand what’s troubling the child and be compassionate. Use good judgment.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Ham1:

Spanking teaches that there are artificial consequences to actions.

Well, in a civilized society, there are artificial consequences to actions. At school, they call it detention, and in adulthood, fines and jail time.

 

[roemer]

Sure, go ahead and spank. But just so you know what your doing, make sure you have your wife give YOU a proportional licking when YOU do something wrong .
That doesn’t change your mind does it ?

 

[islandrunner]

My husband and I have NEVER lifted a finger against either of our children. Hitting children (you can call it “spanking” all you like, but the bottom line is you’re a really big person inflicting pain on a really small, powerless person no matter what you call it) is never necessary.

Advocates of spanking tend to be lazy, selfish parents who allow their children to get into dangerous situations and then, out of anger at themselves and out of fear, strike out at them and justify this behavior by saying the child needs to remember. Truth is, the adult needs to remember how to parent.

Hitting is brutal, it teaches brutality, it teaches children to fear and therefore to lie and deceive. Parents tell their children not to hit each other or their friends, and then turn around and hit their kids. What kind of message is that?

I have zero respect for anyone who strikes a child. Zero.

 

[MariaG]

But how do you really feel about spanking and people who spank? Anymore generalizations and insults you need to air to share your opinion?

Maybe a more Christian manner would be to share what you do to discipline your children instead of attacking those you disagree with.

I do believe spanking is a tool of parenting. So are time outs, groundings, and discussions. Different tools work better for different children and different situations.

And I stand by my words, knowing I am not a lazy, selfish or neglectful parent. I use spanking to get attention of my children for safety issues. And my children do not have any problems with lying. In fact, my 14 year old shared with me in private how he drank from the orange juice container. He said his mouth didn’t touch and he didn’t spill. I told him to never let his brothers catch him doing it! He obviously has a problem with honesty because he is so fearful of the consequences of his actions. I better go beat him some more.

 

[islandrunner]

There is ALWAYS a better choice than to strike a child. Always.

And the rest of your response is just confusing…you’re saying you’re extremely proud of your 14 year old for 'fessing up to doing something gross and unhealthy, and that you told him just not to let his brothers catch him doing it…

I’m sorry, but can you tell me how that’s not teaching deceit…?

And if the implication is that you might not have hit him for it, but his brothers will, please explain to me how you haven’t taught his brothers brutality…?

 

[MariaG]

You said hitting a child teaches them to lie and deceive due to fear. I told how my child shared with me something that most teenagers do, but don’t tell there parents about. It was to show that my child is clearly not afraid to tell me the truth. I sacastically said maybe I should beat him more. There is a difference between spanking and beating children. I should have left the last paragraph off in order to show more Christian charity. I didn’t.

I apologize.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with spanking. A parent should never beat their children. But parents need to be consistent and clear in expectations of behavoir.
God Bless

 

[misericordie]

islandrunner:

My husband and I have NEVER lifted a finger against either of our children. Hitting children (you can call it “spanking” all you like, but the bottom line is you’re a really big person inflicting pain on a really small, powerless person no matter what you call it) is never necessary.

Advocates of spanking tend to be lazy, selfish parents who allow their children to get into dangerous situations and then, out of anger at themselves and out of fear, strike out at them and justify this behavior by saying the child needs to remember. Truth is, the adult needs to remember how to parent.

Hitting is brutal, it teaches brutality, it teaches children to fear and therefore to lie and deceive. Parents tell their children not to hit each other or their friends, and then turn around and hit their kids. What kind of message is that?

I have zero respect for anyone who strikes a child. Zero.

I totally agree with you here. You guys seem to be really great parents, I really mean that.

 

[renee1258]

A parent that spanks, is the one that is out of control. I don’t spank, but I do have the urge to. Instead I slap myself on the wrist. Parenting can be frustrating, but as the parent you are the role model and you need to be in control of your emotions if you expect your child to do the same.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Advocates of spanking tend to be lazy, selfish parents. . .

Color me guilty! I have a streak of laziness and selfishness that I’ve been struggling to overcome for my whole life. And probably will continue to wrestle with it to my grave.

I am *real. *

Hitting is brutal. . .

Are you really so naive to think that every smite is brutal? I can grasp the vertical nature of violence. Some violence is quite mild. Some is severe. And some is fatal.

My children are intelligent enough to comprehend this scale as well.

The real world is not just black and white. It has many shades of grey and a rainbow of colors in between. The intelligent animal learns to cope with all those greys and colors. Boiling the truth out of something and simplifying reality down to “Hitting is brutal” really does a disservice to your children.

What do you think of a violent game such as football? I mean every season people break bones and have to get dragged off the field. Brutality? How does that compare to a rosy bum-bum in terms of brutality?

 

[renee1258]

Football is a consentual with rules, between peers.

Parents are not peers, they are role models. It is easier to hit then to teach. I can feel for those who hit, I have the urge but if you are going to claim you have control of your children you need to have control over your actions. Hitting another person, especially someone you love is an impulsive act not one of any reason.

 

[MariaG]

hitting someone is an implusive act…

I disagree. Spanking a child doesn’t mean a parent has lost control.

 

[renee1258]

If not impulsive then not smart enough to find an alternative then

I grew up with spanking parents, they were out of control. My parents realize now how I discipline my kids how wrong it was to spank. I forgave them.

When I looked back, I was spanked because I did something wrong. But I learned nothing from being spanked. When I discipline, my kids cry. No one likes being disciplined, no but I know sit them down calm down and talk about what they did wrong and fix it. It can all be without hitting.

 

[Black_Jaque]

I grew up with spanking parents, they were out of control.

You’ve committed the most common error when using inductive reasoning. You go from a small sample set, then make conclusions/pass judgement on the larger population.

Because one set of parents who spanked was “out of control” you then assume every pair of spanking parents is out of control and therefor the entire method is wrong.

This is the same flawed inductive reasoning that KKK and other bigots use to pass judgement on people of certain skin color or faith. They know a few people of a certain race who appear inferior, then conclude that all people of that color are inferior.

Football is a consentual with rules, between peers.

Oh, ok now you are complicating the matter. Instead of the nice black-n-white “Hitting is brutal”. It is now considered OK when done by consenting peers, under a set of agreed upon rules. Are there any other qualifications that might render hitting and violence justifiable that you’ve omitted? How 'bout self defense? If it is OK under certain circumstances, why not as a parenting tool?

Hitting … it teaches children to fear

There’s a difference between fear and respect. Respect is when you have done nothing wrong, but know that if you do something wrong you will suffer harsh consequences. Fear is what you feel AFTER you’ve done something wrong and anticipate those consequences.

 

[robertaf]

Good Evening Church

When I first started reading these posts, I had no really firm opinion on whether to spank or not to spank. I am of a generation where spanking was the accepted form of disciplining.

Permissiveness was just rearing its ugly head with the introduction of Dr Spock’s books. The "if it feels good, do it, thing was appealing to the folks we use to call. “misfits” and they merged into this strange and new society of hippies, flower children and a rather rebellious group of folks. Along with this came the sexual revolution.

Up until then, my generation demanded obedience, respect for elders and authority, good manners and chastity. These things didn’t just happen with our kids, they were taught and rules were enforced. We were not **AFRAID **to forbid unacceptable behaviors or demand acceptable ones. If the kid rebelled, we enforced.

Did we make mistakes? Yep. Did we have failures? Yep. Did some folks take things to the extreme? Yep again. Some did.
BUT, not the majority. The majority of parents got good results.

I and most of my girl friends were virgins when we married. That was the norm. Some girls slipped, true, but the vast majority did not slip.
You could walk into any school room in the country and kids were respectful and obedient. Teachers expected it and got it.
I have been a teacher. I would not step foot in a classroom today with the out of control behavior **I HAVE WITNESSED. **There was a time, when most parents backed up the teacher. That is not the norm today.

Times have certainly changed. I do not think they have changed for the better. It has to be the way the kids are being raised and disciplined.