Toddler at Daily Mass

[Gertabelle]

I am sorry to hear about the priest’s comments. Being pregnant, I don’t know how you managed not to burst into tears on the spot. I cried at everything when I was pregnant! On the other hand, I might have just verbally laid into him as all of my other emotions were just below the surface as well.

If there is another priest in your parish, you might want to talk with him about this priest’s comments. If it seems the parish is not toddler-at-Mass-friendly, I personally would find another parish. But that’s just me.

At my parish I play the piano for Mass. Usually, I have a 13-year-old babysit him downstairs during Mass. (I attend another parish with him at another time so he can also go to Mass.)

Anyway, a couple Sundays ago, his babysitter couldn’t make it and so my ds had to sit at the grand piano with me. Well, he had a chair to sit in anyway. The first part of Mass he was under the piano while I played (I pulled him out in between songs), and during most of the liturgy of the Eucharist he was between me and the piano hugging me or adding a few notes to the song.

There were two Little Sisters of the Poor in the congregation that day, and one of them came up to me and commented on my ability to play with so much “help.” What I found astounding was my ability to pray with so much distraction!

My point is that people who choose to be distracted will always find something to be distracted about. People who choose to focus on prayer will pray, regardless of what goes on around them.

Keep the faith, and keep going to Mass. There is no greater prayer or source of grace!

 

[Gertabelle]

I think that a lot of modern children are in the mindset of being bored to death while waiting for Mommy and Daddy to finish being at Mass; a lot of them don’t realize that they, too, are invited to pray and be reverent at Mass - that it’s not about “how can I entertain myself while Mommy is praying,” but rather, “how can I pray, too?”

jmcrae, I don’t think a 22 month old is in any sort of “mindset.” Children that age live in the “now” and are just at the point of understanding that “not now” has variations (as “in a little while” or “tomorrow”). There is only what he or she wants to be doing now, and what he or she is doing now. And developmentally, children are programmed to make noise and move around. Some have a genetic predisposition to more noise and movement than others.

I rarely remove my son from Mass because I know he would make a connection between making noise and getting what he wants (“can we go home now?”). I spend the entire Mass redirecting my son’s attention to the Mass, to prayer, to “what do you want to thank God for”, and to the gift of Christ’s presence in the Eucharist. But he’s THREE! We pray at home, we attend Mass, we pray throughout the day, we talk about God’s gifts… But a little child is still a fundamentally different creature than an adult!

Children are definitely capable of reverent awe, but it is in no way the “same kind” as our adult view. We think reverence has to be silent. Children sing, dance, clap, roll around on the floor and run around the room. That’s just not how children experience life and express themselves. When they do sit still and quiet, we think to ourselves, “See, this is their natural inclination.” But it’s not. They just know what we want and occasionally give it to us.

We parents of little ones (and older ones, and teens) need silence WAY more than those with grown or no children. We are doing our best and would appreciate not being judged by others who think we are raising our children poorly or only thinking of ourselves. I would LOVE to be able to have the silence and stillness of the contemplative monastery again, but parenting requires that most of my prayer time is spent “mulit-tasking” as I tend to the needs of a small child as well as the needs of those around me.

Gertie - just doing my best

 

[pnewton]

I pray that I may grow in humility and use this experience to sanctify my family.

“Children are the supereme gift of marriage.”- Pope Paul VI

May God heap his grace upon you for your humility and gentle spirit, and upon your little ones. You sound anything but immature. Jesus is pleased to have you and your daughter in His divine presence, even if some of your brothers and sisters are less than understanding.

I would add one more suggestion: pray for the priest and anyone that complained. They, too, need prayers and not just condemnation for their actions.

 

[Island_Oak]

IslandOak, I am really saddened by the lack of charity in your post. I don’t know if you have any children of your own or not, but to say that a young mother “inflicts” her child’s noise on others at Mass if really inappropriate. We moms do the best we can. But young children are noisy, active, and totally unaware of their noise and activity. No amount of telling by any adult is going to change this, only time and the dawn of reason can effect it.

Then I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree about the charity of my comments. As the mother of 3 kids I am well aware of the limits of young children when attending mass as well as the counter-balancing obligation of parents to think of those around them (including other parents, by the way) and to take control and remove their kids–temporarily most times–when they cannot control themselves. I’ve spent plenty of mass time out of my pew and tending to a distracting toddler of my own. I didn’t resent if–it came with the territory. Courtesy for others is really a simple concept, and not the least bit uncharitable or hostile to the children.

I must also respectfully take issue with your cents in the second paragraph. Mommies with toddlers ARE part of the ENTIRE parish. If the priest could hear your uncharitable thoughts towards the children of the parish, perhaps he would find your thoughts too distracting and would ask you to leave as well. Sitting in our pew assessing the inappropriateness of everyone else’s behavior is not what the Mass is about.

You make my point for me. Mothers of toddlers are PART of the parish, not the only part, not the most important part, and not without impact on others. My initial reaction when seated near a mom with cranky baby/toddler/child/teen is “there but for the grace of God (today) go I.” So I’m not sure how do you justify uncharitably assuming I’m sitting in my pew judging and/or steaming and stewing about the inappropriateness of those around me??? I was responding to a post on a discussion board–not initiating controversy based on my observations or complaining of my own experience. Reign in your indignation a little and perhaps consider those of us with a different perspective just might have a valid point.

 

[jmcrae]

Courtesy for others is really a simple concept, and not the least bit uncharitable or hostile to the children.

I thought this was worth repeating.

 

[whatevergirl]

That’s a shame that your priest said that. When my kids were younger (they are 10 and 14 now) I would often take them outside or to the back of the church…out of not wanting to disturb others. But, it’s funny…after having such a noisy household…someone always chatting…yelling down the hall for something…typical family behavior…I truly think I have become deafened to the cries of toddlers and babies in church, restaurants, etc…My husband will get very annoyed, and say to me…‘can’t you hear that?’ And, my answer…‘hear what?’ I have to really tune in to those around me, to hear the fussing babies, etc…ha!

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

Ideally, families with small children should comprise a large percentage of the parish population. We’re the rule, not the exception.

So I’m not certain why it’s acceptable to ask mothers to bend over backward to please a (supposed) minority of people who also happen have lighter loads and fewer responsibilities–at mass anyhow.

I’m not advocating an all-out whinefest at mass. But I do smell a strong hint of the culture of death in the idea that churches ought to be silent places.

 

[jman507]

Well, one of those places that we should be able to find quiet is at Mass.

Jesus wants us to “let the little children come,” but I don’t think that He means for us to drag them, kicking and screaming.

Children are capable of the same kind of awe, reverence, and worship that adults are, and it would be a sin to prevent them from doing this - but at the times when they are not inclined to do so, it’s good to take them out somewhere that they can calm down, and enter into a prayerful, reverent frame of mind so that they too can be fully present to the Mass as it is unfolding before them.

I think that a lot of modern children are in the mindset of being bored to death while waiting for Mommy and Daddy to finish being at Mass; a lot of them don’t realize that they, too, are invited to pray and be reverent at Mass - that it’s not about “how can I entertain myself while Mommy is praying,” but rather, “how can I pray, too?”

Yeah, that’s why to find another parish, if you have a decent number in the city. There are lots of different priests as well as parishes, it’s possible to find another more suited to your situation.

There is no one way. There are many desert saints and there are many that put themselves into a noisy situation. So you got your St. Anthony and your St. John Bosco, that’s life. There is no real ideal parish in regards to how the people are set up.

As a matter, I happen to like how having children around leads me in prayer. The distractions have a way to lead my prayers into a completely different direction, but my life has often thrown me curves exposing whole new directions. Also not having children, gives me a certain freedom, not given to those who do, I can pick and choose my time much easier, that is usually not given to parents of young children. If I cannot bear with the children for how ever long I must be with them, what can I say, the parent probably needs the grace more than me. But maybe you do need the grace more and in greater abundance than I or the parent, so I’d say, maybe a parent should choose a parish or time different than yours.

 

[Mary3]

You don’t know who you’re giving hope to by bringing your child to mass. You don’t know who’s day your child made by smiling at someone in the pew behind you.

This is so true! Now that my own kids are grown, I am delighted to sit behind or next to someone else’s little angel. Children belong in Mass as much as possible, and how else can they learn the proper behavior and demeanor? Part of their education requires that they attend.

Having said that, I believe that parents must balance their personal need to be at Mass against the needs of the rest of the Body of Christ to worship. On more than a few occasions, one of us had to stay home with a particularly fussy, teething, out-of-sorts, or missed-their-nap child. As worthy and valuable as the Mass is, it is sometimes the right decision to forego attending to minister to the child’s needs and in deference to the needs of your neighbors who probably came to church for quiet prayer.

I know that when the emotions are tender due to pregnancy, it is so easy to be offended. As others have stated, I think your priest was asking you to step into the Narthex to soothe the child, and then return when the child regained composure. It’s unfortunate that he made his request in front of other people, but priests have bad days too. The request itself is not unreasonable.

While this logistics problem of attending daily Mass seems huge right now, it will soon enough be history. You won’t believe how quickly they grow up. Be patient, be forgiving to the priest and others who may have offended you, and be willing to respond to the child’s need for comforting even if it means leaving or occasionally skipping daily Mass. As you mentioned earlier, offer this sacrifice to Jesus. He is surely pleased with you for your devotion. Peace be with you!

 

[jman507]

Oh I’m sorry, I don’t think I made myself clear enough. Some may perfer not to have children at the Mass they attend, which for me, I say that is wonderful. I’d rather they actually all be at the Mass I attend. They do and can act as an aid in my prayer life. I love the spirit they have. They do need to be tamed by some disciple, but some days do end up not so well exucted on that front. Also you might have three great children, followed up by a child who’s will is a bit different. Those little buggers are much better being for the church than against it.

In the end, it makes me laugh, thinking as God looks down, us adults probably seem a bit more like a church full of little ones. Ahh, what a thought, makes me laugh and pray a bit more.

 

[pnewton]

[

[Mt 18:3](http://bibledatabase.org/cgi-bin/bib_search/bible.cgi?BIBLE=48&BOOK=40&CHAP=18&SEARCH=jesus king lord&Read=Read&FIRST=OK&HV=3)[ And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. ](http://bibledatabase.org/cgi-bin/bib_search/bible.cgi?BIBLE=48&BOOK=40&CHAP=18&SEARCH=jesus king lord&Read=Read&FIRST=OK&HV=3)](http://bibledatabase.org/cgi-bin/bib_search/bible.cgi?BIBLE=48&BOOK=40&CHAP=18&SEARCH=jesus king lord&Read=Read&FIRST=OK&HV=3)
I think your priest needs to remember the basics.

 

[exiled]

Then I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree about the charity of my comments. As the mother of 3 kids I am well aware of the limits of young children when attending mass as well as the counter-balancing obligation of parents to think of those around them (including other parents, by the way) and to take control and remove their kids–temporarily most times–when they cannot control themselves. I’ve spent plenty of mass time out of my pew and tending to a distracting toddler of my own. I didn’t resent if–it came with the territory. Courtesy for others is really a simple concept, and not the least bit uncharitable or hostile to the children.

You make my point for me. Mothers of toddlers are PART of the parish, not the only part, not the most important part, and not without impact on others. My initial reaction when seated near a mom with cranky baby/toddler/child/teen is “there but for the grace of God (today) go I.” So I’m not sure how do you justify uncharitably assuming I’m sitting in my pew judging and/or steaming and stewing about the inappropriateness of those around me??? I was responding to a post on a discussion board–not initiating controversy based on my observations or complaining of my own experience. Reign in your indignation a little and perhaps consider those of us with a different perspective just might have a valid point.

Island Oak,
As the mother of 6, ages 1-11, I am right with you regarding the topic of this post.
I bring my children to daily Mass, and it is at 11:35, which is closing in on the 1 y/o’s nap time. Our former priest was determined to maintain a respectful level of quiet in the church, and would sometimes *have to ask *mothers with noisy toddlers/babies to leave. That said, I’ve never been asked to leave because *I have left before *my babies have reached fever pitch. This is not a reward for the baby/toddler unless you let it be a reward. The child should be trained at home, and then disciplined if he/she forces you to leave church. You are quite right that *we are not *the only ones who matter in the community. Surely others are at Mass, carrying crosses of their own, and they may be in desperate need of quiet, contemplative time with the Lord. While they should kindly and patiently expect some rumblings from children, they should not be subjected to out of control crying and/or babbling, etc.
To the OP, if this was the first time your toddler had acted up, I *do *think it might have been out of line for your priest to speak to you. However, if it is the rule for your current situation, then there may need to be a change of Mass times for you, or a hiatus from daily Mass until he/she is better trained. One thing I have found to be a quiet treat for my toddlers is stickers. I stock up and bring a few sheets to Mass, along with some blank paper. It seems to distract them for the whole daily Mass.

 

[pnewton]

One thing I have found to be a quiet treat for my toddlers is stickers. I stock up and bring a few sheets to Mass, along with some blank paper. It seems to distract them for the whole daily Mass.

Let me also jump in with some practical advice. Since we have already taught whispering, I have found that I can whisper instructions to my son, and he responds by whispering back. That is a quick fix sometimes. My other technique has to do with the Church itself. We have taught most of the basics. Even at two, he wil recognize Jesus, the cross, Mary and a few other things. Since a Catholic Church is rich in imagery, I will point to different things and teach during Mass. When I do this in a whisper and say we need to be quiet, it teaches respect for the things of God. During short term problems, like a fussy spout, it will make him refocus on being quiet. If not, there is always the threat of taking him outside for a minute (spanking).

Lately, I have started teaching him to speak the parts of Mass. He is learning them, but is still shy about saying them.

 

[kamz]

I have four kids ages 13, 11, 8 and almost 4 and my husband works two weekends and then has two weekends off with his job, so two weekends each month I must take all four kids with me to Mass with no help and believe me if I take out the youngest I have to drag the rest with me becuase I have left the older 3 only to look back into the church to see them laughing and acting up… I have tried everything to keep my kids under control and good and sometimes we do great and sometimes we do awful and I drive home in tears of frustration asking myself why I even bothered to attend Mass… thankfully some older women have come to me after every Mass now and rubbed my back and said “it will get better” “just keep coming” if they had not reached out to me with love and care I think I would not go to Mass on the weekends my husband works, I am not saying that you don’t take your kids out but sometimes you can take them out so much that it all becomes a huge joke to them and you really must stay in church and get through this… this is my church too and someday my kids will be all grown and God slap me silly if I ever look at a young family dealing with their acting up kids and think “gee, they should really take them out, I want it quiet”
I have gone to daily Mass during the week while my husband watched our youngest and my older ones were in school and then I have gotten to be “alone” and watch the mom’s dealing with the screaming kids and ya know what? It didn’t bother me at all and as I looked around the Church it was very obvious that it wasn’t a bother to anyone else… you just don’t know what comment might be the comment that sends a mother or father to the point where they say " forget it, I won’t ever come" my sister in law is like that, she is a Catholic convert and they have an autistic child who can be very disruptive and difficult in Church and I guarantee that if you went over and said " you have to take her out" she would be so hurt I know she would never come back, is that how we want to come across? The Catholic church encourages us to be open to children in our marriage, so we do and we trust in the Lord and then we come to Mass and get little understanding? It is really sad in my opinion.

 

[fnz2thrght]

sigh.

a long time ago, when I was a young mother with a toddler (we sit in the front pew) my toddler was jabbering away and during the homily the Monsignor said something like “well, I see that xxx thinks its time for me to call it quits” he said it jokingly but I must have had a look of horror on my face. So after mass he approached me apologized and said he only meant it as funny what he had said, and told me that when he was a young priest he had to do a funeral for 2 young twins, no more than 1 year old and since that time he always thought that he didn’t care how loud the children were in mass, as long as they were alive and kicking. That’s something I’ve always carried with me.

At that age, some weeks my kids behaved wonderfully, some weeks not. The important thing is that they are there, and they are a gift from God. I look at the children in my CCD class, 1st grade, and how many NEVER go to church. At least my children know what the inside of the church looks like. And I’ve found that my kids behave worse when we’ve sat in the back - if I sit up front they see what’s happening and they feel involved and they learn. And of course, they know that everyone can see what they’re doing. Sure there have been rough patches but overall they’ll never learn how to behave if they aren’t included.

I’m certainly not one of those parents who insist on taking their children everywhere. I know the value of time away from them. But church, its always appropriate to have them there.

 

[SHEMP]

I don’t think that it is unreasonable for a preist to ask a parent to take child out ot the church when he is disruptive. This would seem to be the polite thing to do. Bring the child back when they are calm.

Hey all,

Many blessings during this Lenten season. I am a regular daily mass goer with my 22 month old. Most of the time she is pretty good with the occasional bouts of noise. As you Moms and Dads know, all I do is strive for holiness and receiving our Lord in daily mass is that extra grace and push I need for patience and love for my little one.

Well today was not a great day- She slept bad last night and the noon mass was cutting it close to nap time. She made some noises- pretty loud and after mass the Pastor said that she is a distration and that when she gets loud I need to leave.
I was stunned and taken aback. “Let the little children come…” I kept thinking as I wept later on.

Anyother parents out there with a similar experience? How did you react? My emotional side says never again should we go back there (and it’s our Parish!). My husband and I put a lot of our time and energy into the parish- we teach bible study, etc… and so I am definately considering a move to a more child friendly and mom supportive parish.

What’s your thoughts?

 

[kamz]

I don’t think that it is unreasonable for a preist to ask a parent to take child out ot the church when he is disruptive. This would seem to be the polite thing to do. Bring the child back when they are calm.

And at times that is fine but at times and with all four of my kids at various stages I have been there and done that but I’ve also been to the point where they are never calm and they freak out when they see that mom or dad is taking them back into church because it is much more fun to not be in church… so it is quite easier said than done

 

[Gertabelle]

Then I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree about the charity of my comments. Courtesy for others is really a simple concept, and not the least bit uncharitable or hostile to the children.

Reign in your indignation a little and perhaps consider those of us with a different perspective just might have a valid point.

It was not your point of view which I thought uncharitable. It was the implication that the OP was irresponsible, thoughtless, indulgent in her emotions, defensive, irrational, immature, lacking in humility and grace, and inconsiderate.

I have considered with openness and prayer that you have a valid point. I assume you have done the same. Sometimes, even after intelligent and prayerful consideration of an issue, we still don’t all agree.

Each of us brings to Mass our needs, our worries, our celebrations, our failings, our growth. And each of us is called to bring charity, aid, support, forgiveness, and more to one another. I am sorry for the indignation I brought here, and I am sorry for any pain I caused here. This is a complex issue, and there is no simple answer for what is the most charitable action to take in every situation. I ask your forgiveness and your prayers.

With God’s grace we will know and be able to take the most appropriate course of action in each moment. With God’s grace, we will be able to give comfort to the afflicted, whether that is a mom with a small child, or someone in desperate need of silence (even when that’s the same person).

Gertie – a single mom in desperate need of silent contemplation

 

[kamz]

It was not your point of view which I thought uncharitable. It was the implication that the OP was irresponsible, thoughtless, indulgent in her emotions, defensive, irrational, immature, lacking in humility and grace, and inconsiderate.

I have considered with openness and prayer that you have a valid point. I assume you have done the same. Sometimes, even after intelligent and prayerful consideration of an issue, we still don’t all agree.

Each of us brings to Mass our needs, our worries, our celebrations, our failings, our growth. And each of us is called to bring charity, aid, support, forgiveness, and more to one another. I am sorry for the indignation I brought here, and I am sorry for any pain I caused here. This is a complex issue, and there is no simple answer for what is the most charitable action to take in every situation. I ask your forgiveness and your prayers.

With God’s grace we will know and be able to take the most appropriate course of action in each moment. With God’s grace, we will be able to give comfort to the afflicted, whether that is a mom with a small child, or someone in desperate need of silence (even when that’s the same person).

Gertie – a single mom in desperate need of silent contemplation

Gertie, that is a very good post and I will pray for you and ask you to pray for me too

 

[jmcrae]

And at times that is fine but at times and with all four of my kids at various stages I have been there and done that but I’ve also been to the point where they are never calm and they freak out when they see that mom or dad is taking them back into church because it is much more fun to not be in church… so it is quite easier said than done

Ah - see, it should never be “more fun” to be taken out of Church when they are being disruptive. They need to acquire not only the fear of God, but also the fear of Mom.