Told my GF I can only raise our kids Catholic

[justsomeguy085]

So just had a long night of emotional hard discussion. My gf of 6 months is non-denominational Christian. I am an not a very good Catholic. I was raised Catholic and for much of my youth I was faithful, but somewhere along the line I fell out. I’ve studied other faiths and lived immoral lifestyles, but I’ve come to realize that there is only one True Church. Slowly but surely God is leading me back. We both came to conclusion we can accept each other’s faiths. She has pretty much same beliefs that I do, but the one thing she could not agree nor accept is that if we got married that I would raise our kids Catholic. She feels children should have the choice whether they want to be Catholic or not. Unfortunately she has many misconceptions about the Church and it doesn’t help that her parents are former Catholics. I told her we both needed time away to pray and think about it. I told her if she truly loved me that she would pray to God and read What Catholics Really Believe. Not to convert her but so she may understand why I cant choose any other faith and why I am bound to raise my children Catholic.
I will say this right now I feel like well bad, and kinda mad that my heart chooses to be Catholic. Please pray for me as my faith isn’t as strong as it once was. Feel so alone.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is a good time to deal with this issue, because you will not get a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic unless she is made aware of your responsibility to raise your children in the faith.

You can show her the text of the Catholic marriage vows:
Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?

You are bound by canon law to have your children baptized and educated in the Church. You are bound to see that your children meet their obligation to attend Mass for as long as you have control over where they go and what they do. You must educate them in the catechism and do that which is in your power and authority to see they are properly disposed to receive the sacraments. When they reach the age of reason, however, they will have to decide for themselves whether to seek the Sacraments of Eucharist and Confirmation, for instance. No one who has attained the age of reason can be forced to avail himself or herself of the sacraments.

 

[1ke]

She has pretty much same beliefs that I do

If you are a Catholic and she is a “nondenominational Christian” then frankly you do NOT have “pretty much” the same beliefs. Not by a mile.

I am sorry that you have emotional hurts which have come to the forefront now that you are becoming serious about your faith. It is a blessing, however, that this happened now and not after you married this girl or someone else who does not share your faith, your vision for family, and the desire to have a Catholic household and raise children in the Faith.

 

[Selah_KY]

She has pretty much same beliefs that I do, but the one thing she could not agree nor accept is that if we got married that I would raise our kids Catholic. She feels children should have the choice whether they want to be Catholic or not.

Every time I hear this it makes me toes curl! I’m assuming she’s not of a liturgical/sacramental protestant denomination?

Faith isn’t a choice, it’s a gift from God. We help facilitate that gift by presenting our babies for Baptism (a sacramental gift!), helping prepare our young children for their First Communion (another sacramental gift!), and encourage them through their Confirmation (and another!!).

Would help if you explain to her that “choosing” is a “work”?

But when the kindness and generous love
of God our savior appeared,
not because of any righteous deeds we had done (including “choosing” to be baptized!)
but because of his mercy,
he saved us through the bath of rebirth
and renewal by the holy Spirit,
whom he richly poured out on us
through Jesus Christ our savior,
so that we might be justified by his grace
and become heirs in hope of eternal life.
Titus 3:4-7

 

[Jon_S_1]

So just had a long night of emotional hard discussion. My gf of 6 months is non-denominational Christian. I am an not a very good Catholic. I was raised Catholic and for much of my youth I was faithful, but somewhere along the line I fell out. I’ve studied other faiths and lived immoral lifestyles, but I’ve come to realize that there is only one True Church. Slowly but surely God is leading me back. We both came to conclusion we can accept each other’s faiths. She has pretty much same beliefs that I do, but the one thing she could not agree nor accept is that if we got married that I would raise our kids Catholic. She feels children should have the choice whether they want to be Catholic or not. Unfortunately she has many misconceptions about the Church and it doesn’t help that her parents are former Catholics. I told her we both needed time away to pray and think about it. I told her if she truly loved me that she would pray to God and read What Catholics Really Believe. Not to convert her but so she may understand why I cant choose any other faith and why I am bound to raise my children Catholic.
I will say this right now I feel like well bad, and kinda mad that my heart chooses to be Catholic. Please pray for me as my faith isn’t as strong as it once was. Feel so alone.

She does realize that by you raising the kids catholic they can still “choose” to leave the church when they are older right?

I never understood this from non denoms. They believe that “all you need to do is believe” and then they get all upset when people want to do a little more than that. If your raising your kids in faith and loving Jesus that should be enough to satisfy non denoms. Anything else is prejudice.

Better to do this now than after your married. Your doing the right thing.

 

[SyroMalankara]

So just had a long night of emotional hard discussion. My gf of 6 months is non-denominational Christian. I am an not a very good Catholic. I was raised Catholic and for much of my youth I was faithful, but somewhere along the line I fell out. I’ve studied other faiths and lived immoral lifestyles, but I’ve come to realize that there is only one True Church. Slowly but surely God is leading me back. We both came to conclusion we can accept each other’s faiths. She has pretty much same beliefs that I do, but the one thing she could not agree nor accept is that if we got married that I would raise our kids Catholic. She feels children should have the choice whether they want to be Catholic or not. Unfortunately she has many misconceptions about the Church and it doesn’t help that her parents are former Catholics. I told her we both needed time away to pray and think about it. I told her if she truly loved me that she would pray to God and read What Catholics Really Believe. Not to convert her but so she may understand why I cant choose any other faith and why I am bound to raise my children Catholic.
I will say this right now I feel like well bad, and kinda mad that my heart chooses to be Catholic. Please pray for me as my faith isn’t as strong as it once was. Feel so alone.

The children will have the choice whether to be Catholic or not, it’s not up to parents - when they are adults.

Until then, you raise them where the Truth resides. As a non-denominational, your gf should have no problem with Catholicism - unless she is being anti-your-denominational, non-denominational implies ties to no denomination. (Of course, the reality is, non-denominational is code for evangelical/calvinist/baptist)… you do have a tie to the Catholic Church. From a no denomination person, shouldn’t the default be to the person that has the affiliation?

 

[justsomeguy085]

She feels like she would have no say and that her children would be against her. She says there is no point when it comes to denominations because we are all Christian and believe in Christ and bible. I’ve dated Catholic girls who led me away from the faith. Dated, atheist, agnostics, and protestants. She is an amazing person who no doubt would make a wonderful wife and great mother. That’s why it hurts me that God would place such a great girl in my life only to have to make me choose. I told her that once the kids reach age of reason I can’t force them to follow the faith its something they would have to choose. She’s had bad experience with Catholics when she was kid from other kids who would tell her she would go to hell for not being baptize. It doesn’t help that I am not the greatest example of being Catholic as I am still trying to find my way back.

 

[jvimawriter]

The best answer to “children should choose” came from our Pastor. He said, “Would you let them choose whether or not to go to the doctor? Whether or not to go to school?” There are some decisions that responsible parents must make for their children, and raising them Catholic is a responsibility that, as a Catholic, you are assuming for your children.

I left the Church for many years, and I believe it was because I wasn’t properly catechized as a child. I didn’t know what I was walking away from. I recommend that you start learning your Faith so that you will embrace it (there are so many wonderful aspects that I didn’t know or understand) and so you will have something to pass on to your children.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. I know it will be a heart-breaker for you if your girlfriend cannot agree with you, but it will be a temporary heart-break rather than a lifelong, painful struggle with your wife.

 

[seagal]

I told her we both needed time away to pray and think about it. I told her if she truly loved me that she would pray to God and read What Catholics Really Believe. Not to convert her but so she may understand why I cant choose any other faith and why I am bound to raise my children Catholic.
I will say this right now I feel like well bad, and kinda mad that my heart chooses to be Catholic. Please pray for me as my faith isn’t as strong as it once was. Feel so alone.

I know this must have been a heart-rending decision for you, knowing she might not decide to allow you to raise your children as Catholics. God bless you for being strong enough to take this stand. I’ll pray for you both.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I am divorced with 3 kids. I converted after my divorce. My ex wife is a devout non denominational. When the kids are with me we go to mass when they are with her they go to her church.

The kids aren’t against either of us. You can raise your kids catholic and as a family go to mass and her non denom church each week as long as your rooted enough to not get led out of the faith.

But she will be there mom and there’s no reason the kids will not like her. Tons of families go through this, generally there stronger for it.

 

[justsomeguy085]

Thank you everyone your support and prayers mean a lot to me right now. Pray that my faith isn’t shaken and I don’t become lost again.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you everyone your support and prayers mean a lot to me right now. Pray that my faith isn’t shaken and I don’t become lost again.

You are putting your new-found love for Christ over your own desires–that is wonderful! (Even tho I know it is very painful.)

 

[SyroMalankara]

She feels like she would have no say and that her children would be against her.

Why?

She says there is no point when it comes to denominations because we are all Christian and believe in Christ and bible.

Ok, then why is she making a point about one particular Church?

I’ve dated Catholic girls who led me away from the faith. Dated, atheist, agnostics, and protestants. She is an amazing person who no doubt would make a wonderful wife and great mother.

That’s why it hurts me that God would place such a great girl in my life only to have to make me choose.

You have more choices than just her or God.

I told her that once the kids reach age of reason I can’t force them to follow the faith its something they would have to choose.

Right, that’s the parental dilemma. Your kids will eventually be their own person. As much as you like or hate it.

She’s had bad experience with Catholics when she was kid from other kids who would tell her she would go to hell for not being baptize.

Maybe she’s confusing Catholic for some other religion. Most Catholics aren’t that in-your-face, and more don’t know enough to say that. Any way, it’s not accurate Catholic teaching.

It doesn’t help that I am not the greatest example of being Catholic as I am still trying to find my way back.

My mom is not Catholic, she’s the best example of Christ I know… there are many non-Catholics that would put Catholics to shame. I wouldn’t consider your gf out just yet. You have to treat her extra Catholic so she understands real Catholicism. Try attending at Theology of the Body or young couples Bible Study with her. Let her get to know Catholicism in depth. She may put you to shame, when she gets to know real Catholicism.

 

[HB11]

:thumbsup:Good advice. I have similar story. What is so comical about me though is that I told young cousins I want funeral Mass with a particular song to be done durin g Communion. I didn’t realize it was the key to what I was missing and yearning for all those decades away from the Church. I did get married in the Church and we agreed to raise any little strangers that might show up as RC. Also he would have to convert, which he now has many years later after I reverted back. We were not blessed with children. This let the kids choose is terrible mistake. I have seen in my own family how that turns out. I know all of us here online will be praying for you.

The best answer to “children should choose” came from our Pastor. He said, “Would you let them choose whether or not to go to the doctor? Whether or not to go to school?” There are some decisions that responsible parents must make for their children, and raising them Catholic is a responsibility that, as a Catholic, you are assuming for your children.

I left the Church for many years, and I believe it was because I wasn’t properly catechized as a child. I didn’t know what I was walking away from. I recommend that you start learning your Faith so that you will embrace it (there are so many wonderful aspects that I didn’t know or understand) and so you will have something to pass on to your children.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. I know it will be a heart-breaker for you if your girlfriend cannot agree with you, but it will be a temporary heart-break rather than a lifelong, painful struggle with your wife.

 

[Mintaka]

I agree with SyroMalankara – Don’t be too pessimistic. She has some thinking to do about this, but you might not lose her. She could even become Catholic, too!

I will pray for you both.

 

[KCT]

. She is an amazing person who no doubt would make a wonderful wife and great mother. That’s why it hurts me that God would place such a great girl in my life only to have to make me choose.

Trying not to be harsh… but let’s not blame this on God.

Before recommitting to your Faith, you chose to date her. Now that your Faith is more important to you, new issues are going to arise. You’ll have to make hard choices all through life. Following Jesus does have strings attached!

If she can’t agree, then you have a tough decision to make. But, better to make a tough decision now that involves 2 adults, than one later that might involve children.

 

[Zachary]

My gf of 6 months …

…She feels children should have the choice whether they want to be Catholic or not…

Please pray for me as my faith isn’t as strong as it once was. Feel so alone.

6 months is not too late for you to move on. I don’t mean to sound cold, but, ask yourself if you might be better off being the “weaker Catholic” in a couple. I’ve always appreciated having someone around who had a better understanding and keep me on my toes

If kids should have the choice to be Catholic (and, therefore, anything they want) you either have to teach them about EVERY religion or none. And raising them Catholic doesn’t guarantee anything (unfortunately.)

Don’t feel alone. The devil tried to steal Jesus from us in the desert, there’s no reason to think he isn’t trying to steal your soul as well. You’re never alone; Jesus is always there.

 

[Zachary]

Trying not to be harsh… but let’s not blame this on God.

Before recommitting to your Faith, you chose to date her. Now that your Faith is more important to you, new issues are going to arise. You’ll have to make hard choices all through life. Following Jesus does have strings attached!

If she can’t agree, then you have a tough decision to make. But, better to make a tough decision now that involves 2 adults, than one later that might involve children.

Maybe breaking up
a) draws her closer to god as she pursues you
b) makes your faith stronger as you spend some time as single and focus on your faith
c) other: who says you MUST stay with her for ever? 6 months is nothing (and everything )

 

[mommy_k]

If your girlfriend is concerned-let her know that the children do get a chance toi decide for thenselves. The sacrament of confirmation is a sacrament of initiation, where the child decides to continue with the faith for themselves.

 

[DebChris]

The best answer to “children should choose” came from our Pastor. He said, “Would you let them choose whether or not to go to the doctor? Whether or not to go to school?” There are some decisions that responsible parents must make for their children, and raising them Catholic is a responsibility that, as a Catholic, you are assuming for your children.

I left the Church for many years, and I believe it was because I wasn’t properly catechized as a child. I didn’t know what I was walking away from. I recommend that you start learning your Faith so that you will embrace it (there are so many wonderful aspects that I didn’t know or understand) and so you will have something to pass on to your children.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. I know it will be a heart-breaker for you if your girlfriend cannot agree with you, but it will be a temporary heart-break rather than a lifelong, painful struggle with your wife.

This is a great answer. Please let your wife know that the Sacrament of Confirmation is an adult Sacrament, that none of your children will be forced to make this final Sacrament of initiation into the Church.
Just as you expect your children to attend the school you select, you expect them to learn about Christ within the context of the Catholic Church.
My brother married a Buddhist. She refused to convert to the Catholic faith. When we are talking about adults, it is a different issue. My parents response, “She has the power of her convictions.” Your gf needs to be reassured that you respect her faith, that you do not expect her to convert “for your sake.” Welcome her to join you at Mass. After Mass, join her at her services as the Church allows (no Communion).
If she is not willing to accept this condition that the Church set for you to marry, it is better to end the relationship before marriage than after, even as heartbreaking as that may currently be.
BTW My sister-in-law is now a devout Catholic. Her conversion was from her heart and not for my brother.