Too young to marry?

[EnglishTeacher]

I’m just worried that in this job market, even with Bachelor’s degrees, that neither of them will find a job after graduation. He’s studying physics and she’s studying secondary education. Both are pretty marketable, but what if they don’t find jobs in their fields? Am I supposed to let my daughter marry some kid making $9 and hour?

And honestly, with the brain and work ethic my daughter has, I really expected her to be headed to law school. When she started college, she was on a prelaw track but changed to secondary ed. after first semester. One of the reasons she gave me (among others, including the shadiness of politics and the miserable experience she had working for a congressman) was that she wanted to be able to take care of her kids herself, and not drop them off at daycare. I was jsut surprised at that statement because until then I didn’t think that she had given raising a family much thought. I worry that he convinced her of it because that was when they first started dating, but maybe I’m just paranoid.

I just wanted to address some of what you said here. I think it’s great that they are trying to minimize the amount of student loan debt that they will need. This is excellent, and very, very responsible. As someone who went on to higher education and is now saddled with huge amounts of student loans, I often wish that I had done things differently. Having student loan debt is sheer slavery. You are limited for the rest of your adulthood in what you can do with your life. I advise everyone to avoid taking out student loans, at all cost–or if you absolutely must, at least keep the total amount under $10,000.

And if your daughter goes on to law school as you mentioned, she will likely end up with around $100,000 or more in student loan debts upon graduation. Worse still, there are too many lawyers flooding the job market nowadays, so it is difficult for recent law school grads to find jobs; and when/if they do find one, the positions don’t pay nearly as well as they did 10 years ago. Not to mention that if your daughter were to go this route, she likely won’t have the option of being able to stay at home with her children; she would have to be working non-stop to pay off the student loans.

All that to say that it sounds to me as though they have a sensible plan for their future. Education beyond college is not necessarily the best way to go nowadays, unless you get a full scholarship to cover everything.

 

[Rico_S]

OP

As a father of 4 girls, I can understand from where you are coming. I too would be taken aback if my daughter went off to school with intentions of going to Law school and then within 2 years changes to an education major b/c she is worried about having to send her kids to daycare, meets a boy and is looking to get married a full year before graduating. I get it. I understand where you are coming from. You hardly know this guy and all of the sudden he is asking for your daughter’s hand in marriage…setting her life’s course on a completetly different direction than you (or her) thought just a year or so previously. Saying yes to him is like saying “Yeah, I think this is a good idea.” But you don’t think so. You don’t think it is the best course…and I probably would not either.

But I think you should consider what some of the other posters have said (ignoring the attacks). She is an adult. She doesn’t really need your permission to do this, even though it is clear she definitely wants her dad’s approval. I think you need to be careful here and make sure that you don’t go too far in protecting what your plan for her life is, b/c it may not be her plan. And you know what, it may be a mistake. It may be wiser to wait for all the reasons you have stated. It may not work out. And from the sounds of it, you have a good relationship with her and can communicate your fears and concerns with her and she will listen. But if she hears you and chooses otherwise, continuing to resist may put a wedge between you and your daughter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You keep on saying this and I cannot find anywhere where he says this. He even specifically said he doesn’t want this and yet you still go on?!! It is like a little blood in the water and the CAF sharks go into some sort of frenzy!

Re-read the first post. He has not retracted his statement and even told us that his wife and he lived together before marriage, as if that is a good thing.

 

[Rico_S]

Re-read the first post. He has not retracted his statement and even told us that his wife and he lived together before marriage, as if that is a good thing.

Ok… I now see that in the OP. He later said he has not told his daughter this…which is not necessarily a retrastion. Sorry. I don’t agree with that at all. And don’t agree with a lot of his reasons why it is a bad idea. But…

I still think there is too much venom…and not enough understanding about from where he is coming.

 

[mommamaree]

You keep on saying this and I cannot find anywhere where he says this. He even specifically said he doesn’t want this and yet you still go on?!! It is like a little blood in the water and the CAF sharks go into some sort of frenzy!

The OP specifically stated he would prefer they live together for a while before getting married.

 

[adrift]

I know I’ve had problems letting go in the past, but I think this time is different. If he really loves her as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he want her to get her degree first? Wouldn’t he want her to wait a few years?

No that has nothing to do with him loving her and more to do with what you want for her.

She is not a baby she is a grown woman. You are way behind in treating her as one but it is not to late for you to do so.

 

[GenerationHV]

Hi there, this is my first post on this forum, so here goes.

My nineteen-year-old daughter and her boyfriend (also nineteen) have been dating for about two years. Recently, her boyfriend approached me and asked my permission to marry her. Honestly, I was completely caught off guard and the only answer I could manage was, “You’re too young. You need to wait a few years.”

He was obviously disheartened by this answer, but backed down and thanked me for his time. He’s a good kid, and he is the type of guy I’d like my daughter to marry eventually. He’s a Catholic, a hard worker, and he comes from a great family. He doesn’t drink or smoke, he works full time, and he has a good head on his shoulders. Our whole family enjoys his company and he would be a good edition to our family. Plus, my daughter is very much in love with him, and he seems very much in love with her. He treats her very well and confided in me that he worked three jobs at one point to pay for her a ring in cash.

But… I just don’t think anyone knows what they want at nineteen. My daughter has little experience with dating. He is her first serious boyfriend, and they’ve only been dating two years. That’s really not a lot of time to decide that you want to be with someone forever.

Plus, they’re both going to be juniors in college next fall. What if she’s pregnant in college and has to drop out? What if they don’t have health insurance and she’s pregnant? He replied that he can purchase health insurance for her through their college. As long as she doesn’t drop out, she’d be eligible for the school insurance. I’m just worried that she wouldn’t be able to handle being pregnant and being in school. My daughter is incredibly hard-working and dedicated, but being pregnant in college is a huge challenge.

I like the guy, but I just don’t like the timing… I want my daughter to have fun and have dates and not to worry about a husband and baby she has to take care of. I’m just worried that if I allow her to marry this guy she’s only dated for two years when she was a teenager, that she’ll come to regret it or end up divorced. As much as I hate to admit it, I’d rather they move in together for a year or two and then revisit the idea of marriage. I lived with my wife before we were married and we’ve been together eighteen years (we married a year after my daughter was born). I just worry they will grow apart and come to regret this decision.

She’s very determined not to fail, but what if she’s a different person at twenty five? Am I being unreasonable for telling them they have to wait?

Hold on here! You say you would rather them live together
Can’t she be a pregnant junior in college that way too?

Yuck. Then if it doesn’t “work out” this man is “done” trying your daughter out and moves on? And you daughter moves on? This kind of thinking from a father really offends me.

 

[Red_Meg]

I haven’t posted to (or even looked at) CAF in ages, and then popped in today, and your thread caught my eye.

This was me, 21 years ago, only my DH & I never even considered the prospect of asking parental permission to marry. I came home at 19, spring break of sophomore year, and informed my parents I was engaged. We married when I was 20, the end of my junior year. We specifically timed the wedding under the hope that I would get pregnant right away, and since I only had one semester of classes left, we knew doing so wouldn’t jeopardize my graduation. My husband had just finished up his first year of what was supposed (!) to be a two-year master’s when we married.

We both had the doctrinal formation/understanding of the Catholic view of marriage, and wholeheartedly believed in it. While we weren’t saints, obviously, we both practiced our faith very seriously, and viewed it as our task to grow in virtue and help make the way to Heaven for the other a little easier.

I think my parents were a little horrified, truthfully-- not because of anything about my husband, but because they had invested so many of their own hopes in me. I was the first child in an immigrant family to attend college. My mom was sure I was going to end up with a prestigious technical career or a NASA astronaut or something. My dad’s most insightful comment was, “If you’re not ready to buck your parents on something like this, then you’re not ready to get married.”

It was challenging at first. We spent our first year in married student housing living off my husband’s grad school stipend. After the rent was paid, we had $200 left each month for food, gas, books, etc. Even 21 years ago, that wasn’t a lot. I cooked an awful lot of chicken. When his grad adviser told him his thesis would not be done on our June graduation timetable, my husband thanked him for his support and left anyway, since he had a job lined up across the country, and we were expecting. (The thesis was eventually finished long distance, three babies and three years later.)

We bought a house right away, which kept us running on nearly as tight a budget as grad school. We still ate so much chicken we were nearly clucking.

21 years later, I would do it all again. I’m expecting our tenth child shortly. It hasn’t been easy. We’d be able to live a very cozy life if we’d kept our family to a “reasonable” size, but we decided children were much better than fancy vacations or mini-mansions. My mother, although she hadn’t expected it at the time we made our big announcement, couldn’t be more delighted with being a grandma to so many. (NONE of my siblings have any children, and a good number of her friends have no, or at best one, grandchild.) My dad, God rest his soul, just adored the grandchildren he was around to meet and play with.

So, no, after that long-winded answer (sorry!) I don’t think it’s too young to marry. I think any encouragement you can give to encourage the bride to map things out so she can get finish her bachelor’s before the babies start arriving would be prudent, but I had friends in college who found a way to juggle a baby and still get through the degree. It all depends on the girl and boy involved-- if they are mature, hard-working, self-sacrificing and pious, then in all honestly, they are already ahead of the game vs. many people marrying in their late twenties or thirties. More power to them. Our country and our church badly need authentic witnesses to the Gospel truths about marriage and family.

Best regards,

Margaret

 

[thewanderer]

OP, I really think you need to back down from this and let them marry if that is what they want. They both sound mature and as though they have good heads on their shoulders. I know you have all sorts of worries about how they will make it financially, and you don’t want your daughter to marry someone who is only making min wage (but who also has potential for much better income in the future when he can get a better job. ). Would living on min wage be difficult? Absolutely. Here’s the real question though, would living on minimum wage married to your best friend and the love of your life be more worthwhile and enjoyable than waiting and extending your dating period? And that is a question that only your daughter can answer. While they should certainly take your advice and thoughts on the matter to heart, if they, understanding the difficulties it will present, want to take on that life with its particular challenges then you should let them. That is their decision. They are not kids anymore. I have a feeling that if you were my dad you would be very against the marriage I am about to get into. True, I am a little older, but still in my early 20’s. Recently graduated from college, but without a very practical degree. The same is true of my fiance. We both have debt we need to pay off and have to pay for our wedding ourselves, so we have an added large expense to deal with. I am going to need a job, at least at first, while we are married to really make things work. He has a good job for now, but needs more education and training to really set himself up for a good career. Despite all of that, and all that could go wrong, we are getting married this year. We don’t want to wait. We know that we will have many difficulties, but thats ok, it would be better for us to marry and face those difficulties together, then to wait another year or two trying to get our finances in perfect condition. If they are mature and responsible, understand that marriage is about sacrifice and will not be easy, and want to get married before they graduate then you have no good reason to stop them or to try and prevent them. Go ahead and warn them of the difficulties they will face, but don’t refuse to give them permission to marry (although, as others have noted, they need no such permission. Your daughter is grown and does not live at home, she is emancipated and no longer owes you obedience.)

 

[freiabereinsam]

I don’t blame you for thinking the way you do…those are exactly the ideas we hear justifying delayed marriage. “But you need to get your degree.” “You don’t have any experience.” “You’re too young; you need to have dates and have fun.” And so on.

Even so, I think your position is mistaken. Many of those points are actually pretty un-Christian, or at least lead to un-Christian behavior (such as fornication) between the prospective spouses. (I, in particular, was very much taken aback by that $9-an-hour remark.) I know I’m biased, as I am an advocate for early marriage myself. But if this couple has been dating for “only” two years, I think they already know each other pretty well. It shouldn’t take much more than that to decide whether your partner is a good catch for marriage.

On a somewhat off-topic note, there was a comment I saw on another Web site about the matter, a comment that went like this: It takes til your 30s to earn enough money to get most of the girls to even speak to you. Gone are the days of yore, when young lovers would marry with nothing, and build their lives together. There are even courtship advocates who say that a man has to have a house before he can initiate romance! (emphasis mine)

 

[PaulGH]

I think that many people are not ready for marriage at 19. But based on what you have written about your daughter and this young man, it sounds like they are ready. You mentioned that you are worried about your daughter missing out on a normal college experience, etc., but I am not sure that you should be so concerned. I had the typical extended adolescence that most single 20-somethings experience today, before finally marrying at 29. And in retrospect, I think it was just a huge waste of time. I really wish that I had gotten serious about faith, marriage, and career at a much younger age. If your daughter and her boyfriend miss out on those years of extended adolescence, I personally don’t think they are missing that much.

He’s a good kid, and he is the type of guy I’d like my daughter to marry eventually. He’s a Catholic, a hard worker, and he comes from a great family. He doesn’t drink or smoke, he works full time, and he has a good head on his shoulders. Our whole family enjoys his company and he would be a good edition to our family. Plus, my daughter is very much in love with him, and he seems very much in love with her. He treats her very well and confided in me that he worked three jobs at one point to pay for her a ring in cash.

This paragraph is the real clincher for me. Just think how many fathers would be thrilled for their daughter to receive a marriage proposal from a man meeting this description. I know that you are not happy about the timing, but some women reach age 30 or 40 without ever finding a guy as good as the one you have described here. If he is as good as you say, I don’t know that she should let him get away.

But one big disclaimer here: I do not have a teenage daughter (or any daughters), so there may be a certain “protective father” instinct at work here that I haven’t experienced personally. Maybe my advice would be different if I had a teenage daughter myself; I don’t know.

 

[Kelfa28]

I think that many people are not ready for marriage at 19. But based on what you have written about your daughter and this young man, it sounds like they are ready. You mentioned that you are worried about your daughter missing out on a normal college experience, etc., but I am not sure that you should be so concerned. I had the typical extended adolescence that most single 20-somethings experience today, before finally marrying at 29. And in retrospect, I think it was just a huge waste of time. I really wish that I had gotten serious about faith, marriage, and career at a much younger age. If your daughter and her boyfriend miss out on those years of extended adolescence, I personally don’t think they are missing that much.

I couldn’t agree more.

What was I doing between high school and my 27th birthday? Not much besides wasting a whole lot of time.

Sure I was working and trying to make it on my own…but I was going out bar hopping and clubbing with girlfriends…trying to scout out boys and making even more terrible decisions.

I would have loved to have met my husband at the age of 18 or 19 and married him around 20 or 21. That would have been lovely.

I didn’t start getting serious about settling down until I was 24. I didn’t get married until I was 27.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Can I also say that no matter what age your daughter marries, her marriage isn’t going to be perfect. There will be ups and downs. There could be times when money is tight, even if they both have great jobs. People are layed off or get sick. It seems like YOU want everything perfect for your little girl, when in fact, that is never going to happen.

 

[rayne89]

They are not too young. He’s sounds like a great guy. If my daughter had such a guy in her life I would not say no. I married at 18, my husband was 19 -and I was away from the church, he didn’t practice any religion. We are both solid Catholics now and it is fantastic to have young memories together. Figuring out life together. We had struggles but did not have the foundation your daughter and this young man has. I think it is a mistake to not give your approval.

 

[CradleJourney]

No that has nothing to do with him loving her and more to do with what you want for her.

She is not a baby she is a grown woman. You are way behind in treating her as one but it is not to late for you to do so.

 

[PaleoConCatlick]

they are 19, nominal adults. so if they let you tell them what they can or can’t do, the answer apparently is, they’re not ready.

I’d expect there will be many stories to the contrary. my parents married at 18 and were married for 67 years.

These were different times.

Most 19-year-olds are punkasses these days. If he’s incapable of making enough money to support their child, then no.

 

[Fairwinds]

These were different times.

Most 19-year-olds are punkasses these days. If he’s incapable of making enough money to support their child, then no.

not in my family. your mileage may vary.

 

[Fairwinds]

they write songs about this.

Kenney Chesney, Down the road

OP, I’ve changed my mind. if the boy didn’t tell you, “I wasn’t really asking your permission”, and he meekly accepted your rebuff, he’s too young to marry.

 

[Kelfa28]

they write songs about this.

Kenney Chesney, Down the road

OP, I’ve changed my mind. if the boy didn’t tell you, “I wasn’t really asking your permission”, and he meekly accepted your rebuff, he’s too young to marry.

Part of me agrees with this mindset. I agree because they are both adults and this is their decision.
If he really wants to marry her…he wouldn’t be hanging off of every word the daughter’s father says.

My husband didn’t even talk to my parents about it. Granted we were almost 27 and it was a moot point. He wanted to marry me. He bought me a ring and asked me. I said yes. Then we informed everyone after that.

 

[hannajomar]

CorriD, I can understand where you are coming from. 19 is a young age to marry in American culture. But it’s not too young. From what you write, it sounds as though your daughter and her boyfriend are mature.

Would you be able to support them if they simply waited until they graduated?