Too young to marry?

[joshvanrad]

Any legal adult who is mentally, physically, and spiritually mature enough to marry should not be restricted from the married life.

Age has little to do with marriage, but maturity is a huge factor. It sounds like your daughter and her boyfriend are both devout Catholics with good direction and wonderful moral compasses. If I were you, I would be pretty happy that your daughter has found someone so faithful to share her life with.

I agree with the fact that it’s best to wait until after college, but if it is God’s calling then I would follow that over some “unwritten life rules.”

Joshua C.

 

[shainski]

they write songs about this.

Kenney Chesney, Down the road

OP, I’ve changed my mind. if the boy didn’t tell you, “I wasn’t really asking your permission”, and he meekly accepted your rebuff, he’s too young to marry.

and they’ve always written songs about this:

(Nat King Cole - circa 1951)

They try to tell us we’re too young
Too young to really be in love
They say that love’s a word
A word we’ve only heard
But can’t begin to know the meaning of

And yet we’re not too young to know
This love will last though years may go
And then someday they may recall
We were not too young at all

And yet we’re not too young to know
This love will last though years may go
And then someday they may recall
We were not too young at all

 

[The_Bucket]

My wife and I got engaged halfway through my senior year of college and married in the following fall. She graduated from undergrad just before our eldest son was born.

A lot of other posters have made solid points. This is her life and not yours. She seems pretty grounded and so does he. The timelines would leave you with them potentially getting married in the summer between junior and senior year or maybe during winter break of senior year. If it’s the latter, there’s no way she’s graduating with a baby… except maybe one growing inside her. Morning sickness is annoying but college students deal with throwing up all the time and for less than noble reasons.

Basically you want her to just “have fun” as opposed to be an adult. That’s a terrible thing to want for your child. I’m all for having a good time and not pressuring anyone into marriage who isn’t ready for it or doesn’t have that vocation… but if that’s her vocation why are you standing in the way? Would you stand in the way of a son who said at 19 or 20 that he wanted to be a priest?

 

[Fairwinds]

I am now positive the OP, whether intentionally or not, put the boy to a serious test of character and moral leadership which he failed.

if the kid thinks he needs the permission of the father of an adult woman to marry and then accepts being treated like a boy instead of a man, he shouldn’t be marrying anyone for a while.

the bottom line is that the OP did the right thing.

shainski: nice catch.

 

[mommamaree]

I am now positive the OP, whether intentionally or not, put the boy to a serious test of character and moral leadership which he failed.

if the kid thinks he needs the permission of the father of an adult woman to marry and then accepts being treated like a boy instead of a man, he shouldn’t be marrying anyone for a while.

the bottom line is that the OP did the right thing.

shainski: nice catch.

Yeah, when our parents tried to tell my husband and I we were too young at 19, we decided we didn’t need their permission anyway! We eloped. Their loss.

 

[PatriceA]

Hold on here! You say you would rather them live together
Can’t she be a pregnant junior in college that way too?

Yuck. Then if it doesn’t “work out” this man is “done” trying your daughter out and moves on? And you daughter moves on? This kind of thinking from a father really offends me.

This is what I can’t wrap my brain around. Why would any Catholic parent suggest this?? Sorry, boyfriend, I don’t think you and my daughter are ready for the sacrament of matrimony but I do think you’re ready to shack up and pretend your married (and potentially practice ABC).

 

[Iheartcoffee]

It is really more about maturity than age. Are they able to support themselves financially? Are the capable of working through problems with maturity? My husband and I got engaged at 19 and married after I graduated with my Bachelors and he graduated with his Masters. It’s not a bad idea to wait until school is over, because they may be better able to settle down in one location. It would be hard if one of them got a job while the other was still in school. The job may not be in the same town as the school.

DO NOT tell them you condone cohabitation but not marriage. Couples that live together before marriage are statistically much more likely to divorce.

 

[FriendlyFace]

I agree with what a lot of people have said: it depends on the couple. My sister got married at twenty. She and her husband have been married for thirteen years, and they’re still going strong. My uncle married his wife when they were both 17. They had a happy 62 year-long marriage until his wife died. They were mature at a young age. But not everyone is.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am now positive the OP, whether intentionally or not, put the boy to a serious test of character and moral leadership which he failed.

if the kid thinks he needs the permission of the father of an adult woman to marry and then accepts being treated like a boy instead of a man, he shouldn’t be marrying anyone for a while.

the bottom line is that the OP did the right thing.

shainski: nice catch.

I think the young man (not a boy) was probably somewhat taken aback by the father’s response. I think he probably had to screw up his courage in order to even go talk to her dad, and the fact that he even attempted to do it speaks well of him, and his family and upbringing IMO. I am going to pray that the OP did NOT suggest that his daughter and this young man go ahead and cohabitate. If I put myself in the place of the young man’s parents, if my son came back to me and said, “Her dad thinks we should just go ahead and live together,” it would give me some pause as to what my son is getting himself into. After all, when you marry, you marry the family as well, and this would concern me. So I do hope that the OP kept that thought entirely to himself and just shared it with us.

I think the OP should have taken his daughter’s very determined boyfriend more seriously than he did and I am sorry that he seems to have wanted to chase him away instead of looking more closely at their relationship. These 2 young people may just elope if they feel they are not getting the respect they feel they are due.

I would like the OP to perhaps speak to his daughter and her boyfriend together. And after that, schedule a dinner to meet his family. It’s time to start those relationships, too.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I have been following this thread and finally felt the need to chime in.

When my husband -then boyfriend- and I were discussing marriage, I told him that I wanted him to ask my father’s permission before he proposed to me. I requested this of him not because I felt like I needed to get “Daddy’s okay” but out of respect for my father, and the critical role that a father has on his daughter’s development. I also was thinking of my future children, and how I would want my son’s and my daughter’s boyfriends to do the same thing when they themselves were adults considering marriage. Not as “asking permission” but a show of respect to the father of the woman that you love and want to take care of forever.

We were 19 when we got engaged, 20 when we were married. Neither of us finished college. There were absolutely some hard times, but I would not trade them for anything.

OP I recommend that you contact this young man and give him your blessing. They can do as they please but he asked you out of respect.

 

[Kal2012]

I still worry about her missing out on a “normal” college and young adulthood experience. If he really loves her as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he want her to get her degree first? Wouldn’t he want her to wait a few years?

1. the “normal” college experience/young adult experience is over-rated.

My grandma said to me, “I lived alone for about 6 months before I got married and hated it!” As much as I liked being independent, I really didn’t like living alone either.

The ideal situation for her may be something that you’d consider ideal, given your different histories/personalities…

Sometimes you meet the right guy (or gal) at 19. I’ve seen it happen to a few people.

1. the college experience is important, but not everybody has to do it between 18-22.

My husband started his degree a couple years after we were married. I know a few people who waited until they were out of the military before starting degrees.

I don’t know your daughter, but it sounds like maybe she’s not interested in having a “career track,” but maybe “a job” until she has a family. That’s okay. Not all women want “power” careers.

I think that our culture values “work” more than “family” and that’s why our culture has really gone downhill.

You sound a lot like my dad. I love my dad because he wanted me to be an independent woman. But the fact is that he wanted a “big career” more than I ever did. Just something to think about.

 

[sdeco]

Morning sickness is annoying but college students deal with throwing up all the time and for less than noble reasons.

Morning sickness isn’t “annoying.” I had it with my first child and it was six weeks of hell. I was nauseated 24/7 and threw up every day. Opening the fridge, opening the trash can, or just walking into the kitchen would make me throw up. Smells were unbearable. Any food with any odor at all was the most disgusting thing I had ever smelled in my life. I could only eat things like bananas and cheerios. Physically it was the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life, worse than any cold or flu I’ve ever had. It was debilitating. I can’t imagine having to deal with that in college. It is much, much, much worse than throwing up after getting drunk.

Anyway - I agree with most of the posters that the daughter and her boyfriend sound exceptionally mature. It drives me crazy how our society treats 20-somethings like teenagers.

 

[Kevin12]

Hi there, this is my first post on this forum, so here goes.

My nineteen-year-old daughter and her boyfriend (also nineteen) have been dating for about two years. Recently, her boyfriend approached me and asked my permission to marry her. Honestly, I was completely caught off guard and the only answer I could manage was, “You’re too young. You need to wait a few years.”

He was obviously disheartened by this answer, but backed down and thanked me for his time. He’s a good kid, and he is the type of guy I’d like my daughter to marry eventually. He’s a Catholic, a hard worker, and he comes from a great family. He doesn’t drink or smoke, he works full time, and he has a good head on his shoulders. Our whole family enjoys his company and he would be a good edition to our family. Plus, my daughter is very much in love with him, and he seems very much in love with her. He treats her very well and confided in me that he worked three jobs at one point to pay for her a ring in cash.

But… I just don’t think anyone knows what they want at nineteen. My daughter has little experience with dating. He is her first serious boyfriend, and they’ve only been dating two years. That’s really not a lot of time to decide that you want to be with someone forever.

Plus, they’re both going to be juniors in college next fall. What if she’s pregnant in college and has to drop out? What if they don’t have health insurance and she’s pregnant? He replied that he can purchase health insurance for her through their college. As long as she doesn’t drop out, she’d be eligible for the school insurance. I’m just worried that she wouldn’t be able to handle being pregnant and being in school. My daughter is incredibly hard-working and dedicated, but being pregnant in college is a huge challenge.

I like the guy, but I just don’t like the timing… I want my daughter to have fun and have dates and not to worry about a husband and baby she has to take care of. I’m just worried that if I allow her to marry this guy she’s only dated for two years when she was a teenager, that she’ll come to regret it or end up divorced. As much as I hate to admit it, I’d rather they move in together for a year or two and then revisit the idea of marriage. I lived with my wife before we were married and we’ve been together eighteen years (we married a year after my daughter was born). I just worry they will grow apart and come to regret this decision.

She’s very determined not to fail, but what if she’s a different person at twenty five? Am I being unreasonable for telling them they have to wait?

The fact that you think it would be acceptable for them to live together before marriage, even subconsciously, is extremely worrisome.

If the boy is Catholic, I think you should accept. Chances are they may otherwise fall into sin. I don’t disbelieve in “true love” or anything like that, but if they have difficulties, they should be able to work them out. The main thing, though, is that the guy is a churchgoing Catholic. If there isn’t that, then that’s the first thing you ought to be worrying about, not age.

 

[Kevin12]

I am now positive the OP, whether intentionally or not, put the boy to a serious test of character and moral leadership which he failed.

if the kid thinks he needs the permission of the father of an adult woman to marry and then accepts being treated like a boy instead of a man, he shouldn’t be marrying anyone for a while.

the bottom line is that the OP did the right thing.

shainski: nice catch.

Would you say that to John Wayne? Having the acceptance of the father is an important thing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Morning sickness isn’t “annoying.” I had it with my first child and it was six weeks of hell. I was nauseated 24/7 and threw up every day. Opening the fridge, opening the trash can, or just walking into the kitchen would make me throw up. Smells were unbearable. Any food with any odor at all was the most disgusting thing I had ever smelled in my life. I could only eat things like bananas and cheerios. Physically it was the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life, worse than any cold or flu I’ve ever had. It was debilitating. I can’t imagine having to deal with that in college. It is much, much, much worse than throwing up after getting drunk.

Anyway - I agree with most of the posters that the daughter and her boyfriend sound exceptionally mature. It drives me crazy how our society treats 20-somethings like teenagers.

I did have to deal with “morning” sickness while going to college. Like yours, it was all day for the first 4 mos. I didn’t throw up, but felt continuously nauseous and could hardly eat. I was finishing my BA while pregnant with my 2nd and I just had to grit my teeth and get through it. It can be done. And most women don’t have such extreme cases as you and I did. If they eat a saltine cracker before getting up, they can settle their stomach and all is well.

Believe it or not, many women don’t even have morning sickness.

 

[Mangaartist]

I got married at 20, as a junior in college, 4 months ago. Best decision I’ve ever made. Some people are ready for that kind of commitment at 18, some won’t be ready even when they’re 50. I think the real question is, do these two young people have a good understanding of the Catholic view of marriage? Things like the Theology of the Body? Just by their age alone, no I don’t think they’re too young.

As for getting pregnant, if they discern that it wouldn’t work well to have a child while she’s in college, they can use NFP to avoid that. It’s what my husband and I did. For us, we realized we were actually in a good place to have a baby, and decided that avoiding wasn’t strictly necessary. We and are now pregnant, expecting our little one halfway through my senior year (husband graduated this June and is working now). Yes, it will be challenging, but I rearranged my courseload to have just ~5 contact hours in the spring semester. We’re not the first and not the last ones to do it successfully.