Transsexual pronoun dilemma

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Cabeelibob

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I recently lost a friend of a long time. As in she says we can’t be friends anymore.
She was born Hannah and now goes by Ace.
She said this because I said that I was not able to call her by her prefered pronouns or name. And to be honest, I think that it’s not just that, it is that I do not believe that she is actually/litteraly a man. Looking back perhaps I should have just call her by her prefered pronoun, may not have done anything because it may be about what I believe. And I feel as if I would be participating in the glorification of the mutilation of a God given gift by calling her by the prefered name.

She has also been openly transsexual for a few years now, but it’s never been a problem till now because I just avoided using her newer name and pronouns even though I feel guilty enough about that.

I told her that I love her very much. And I really do. I lost a friend but she certainly didn’t.

She blocked me from virtually every single contact except for visiting her house.

I’m very mad at myself and sad and guilty; thinking like I’m in the wrong like most of the time it seems.

No need for hostilities on this more or less controversial topic. I’m a pretty chill person.

What are your thoughts? Did I do a bad thing? What should I do now?
 
Regarding preferred pronouns, I would advise avoiding that problem and just call the person by their preferred name. Let me give an example. In previous work for the Church, I once received a phone call from a man who had had “sex-change” surgery and now identified and lived as a woman. He referred to himself as “Mary” (not the person’s self-identified name). I saw no point on first introduction over the phone to tell him I wanted to know the name his parents gave him at birth, and that I would only and always refer to him via that birth name during our conversation, lest I transgress and affirm him in his gender identity disorder.

Well, had I followed such pastorally misguided advice, that would’ve been a real short conversation. In addition, this person was calling a faithful Catholic apostolate to receive genuinely Catholic counsel, not persuade me to affirm them re: their self-identified gender. If I wanted to have hope of giving a fruitfully faithful witness, I couldn’t let minor details derail my witness. In other words, I couldn’t let style get in the way of substance.

Rather, while using this person’s preferred name, I lovingly explained how they had to live a chaste life, which in their case meant not simply ending a sexually intimate relationship with a Christian man who wanted to continue the relationship despite having learned about Mary’s surgery, but refraining from dating altogether and living a life of complete continence.

As a result of my witness, which included fundamentally reminding them that Jesus really loved them amidst their struggles, they gratefully recommitted to living a chaste life. (On a related note, given the expense and potential psychological trauma involved, the Church would not require a person who had had “sex-change” Church to have a second surgery to reverse that change.)

If we give faithful witness to the teachings of Christ and his Church, then using a person’s preferred name will become a moot point. In contrast, if we insist at the outset on setting them straight on which name we will use to refer to them, we will likely lose the opportunity to give them a faithful witness through which Christ can soften their heart to receive and embrace the true Gospel.

And if they correct you on calling them “Mr.,” “Miss,” etc., circumvent that issue by asking them their name, which will likely reflect their self-identified gender. And then proceed in Christian love from there.
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Consider praying that if God desires He would put you both back into each other’s lives.

There is the idea of borrowing someone’s phone for example to write them an apology.
 
Wow. Between a rock and a hard place. I’m truly sorry that she couldn’t see past this difficulty and just remain friends, without bringing sexual stuff into it. Our sexuality is just one part of our makeup - it doesn’t define the person we are, but sadly, not everyone understands that or can separate the way they sexually identify from their personality.

I know I’m having trouble putting into words what I wish, so I hope I am not offending you or anyone else reading.

I can understand how your friend believes that unless you accept who they are now, then you are not accepting them fully.

I wonder how your friend would feel if you were only their friend because of their sexual identity? And because that’s changed, you couldn’t be friends anymore because your belief is that you can only be friends with girls and now that she is a he, the friendship must end - how would they then feel about matters? They would be hurt because they would rightly assume you liked them for who they were/are, and not for what gender they were/are.

We are always wiser in hindsight, which is where we have 20/20 vision.

You know your friend best and be the best one to know if it is just due to your inability to use the pronoun/name that your friend now wishes to go by or your non-belief that your friend is now a man.

You can surgically change your sex, and take hormones, but you can’t change your DNA (afaik as I’m not up to date on the latest gene sequencing/modifying etc). So will still be female.
Cabeelibob said:
I told her that I love her very much.
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Unfortunately that may be all you can do. It’s the same in any relationship - if one cannot or does not accept whatever about the other person or whatever difficulty occurs - as in your case - then there is nothing else you can do - except accepting that she/he no longer wishes to be friends and has moved on - if that happens.

You say you are still visiting your friend at her own home. That says the door has not been closed. Perhaps she has blocked you from social media in case a disagreement occurs between the both of you, wherein it is then public, so has done this to avoid embarrassment to the both of you? Do you think this may be a possible reason?
Cabeelibob said:
thinking like I’m in the wrong like most of the time it seems.
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People fall out over many things, and some of us get hurt more than the other person and we may not always be the only person in the wrong or even in the wrong at all - that’s human interaction, friendships and family ties are affected in these ways.

Friendships are two ways streets. Respect goes both ways. Sometimes we have to choose and remain faithful to God and our beliefs and doing so can cost us friends, fall-out with family, our jobs etc.

I wonder if a middle ground - out of respect for each of you could not be reached - a nickname that both would be happy with?

Prayer for you to know what is the best way to handle this.
 
I’m sorry for your loss.
Are you both teenagers?
Obviously she’s going through some stuff right now, and unfortunately the way things are right now, whatever trauma or fear that triggered all this is most likely to go unaddressed.
She needs prayer and fasting and understanding in this culture that will superficially “affirm” her, but never address her underlying problems.
 
One ye olde day’s, the label of transsexual/transgender was only given to a person who “always” (from very earliest childhood) felt and verbalized and tried to act out that way.

Nowadays, most people calling themselves this are actually later onset in their dysphoria.

But in either case, I’m sorry for you and for your friend and I’ll remember you both in my prayers.
 
I think the loving thing to do, is to do just what you did, stand for the truth. It is not loving to enable someone to engage in a delusional reality, particularly a sinful one that causes her to rebel against God as creator. If she chooses her sin over truth, transsexualism over true friendship, friendship that actually gives a rip about her status before God and before man, that is on her. Just remain loving and kind, but stand on truth.
 
Cabeelibob said:
She blocked me from virtually every single contact except for visiting her house.
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I’m sorry you are in this situation, it is very difficult.

If she is cutting you off, why does she allow you to have contact when visiting her house? Why are you still allowed to visit at her house?

An answer might help me with advice.

Thank you & God bless
 
I don’t know if I’m allowed at her house. She moved in to her old parents house across the street from my parents house. Im at University and only go home one the weekends.
 
It is simple, basic, human courtesy to call people by the name they give you.

Apologize, tell your friend that you are sorry for being unkind.
 
I would have used the name. Pronouns can be tricky, usually i just go along with it for clarity’s sake.

My take is that your friend will probably be unhappy that you disagree with it anyway. You can use all the preferred terminology, if she knows you are religious and hence you disagree…friendship over anyways.
CRV said:
it doesn’t define the person we are, but sadly, not everyone understands that or can separate the way they sexually identify from their personality
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For most people, we can’t either. Us being male and female greatly affects almost all of our experiences. I mean, even bathrooms are a dilemma. It’s not something we notice all the time because there’s no conflict with our mind and body, but for someone who has that, it’s difficult to ignore. From their perspective, I can understand why they drop friends who disagree because it must be hard to talk to someone who makes that conflict bigger.
 
So the dilemma is the association of the destruction of whole sexual organs and purposful destruction of fertility. It’s like affirming vasectomy.

Even if I did call her by her prefered pronouns and name, it would be living a lie, at least I would feel as it is.

On the end I’m suspicious that it’s more about what I believe. I don’t believe that someone born female can be literally a male, because you actually don’t what being a male feels like, and dysphoria can lead to depression and self-harm.
I also am afraid that she wont even listen to what I have to say, anyway. Don’t know if I could apologize even if I wanted to.
What are your thoughts on that?
 
If your friend wishes to be known as Ace and referred to as he then that is his choice. You may disagree with this choice on a metaphysical or ontological level, but in terms of everyday social interactions there is no benefit to be gained from deliberately upsetting somebody by using a name or pronoun that that person has repudiated. I’d drop a note through Ace’s door explaining that you recognise that you made a mistake and expressing the hope that you can resume your friendship.
 
Cabeelibob said:
I don’t believe that someone born female can be literally a male, because you actually don’t what being a male feels like, and dysphoria can lead to depression and self-harm.
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Science could prove tomorrow that your friend has a severe birth defect and this surgery was correction of that defect. Right now, we know that this is a complex issue. It is our job to be compassionate and kind to everyone.

When my dear friend had a vasectomy, I did not rail at him. His action is between he and his confessor.
 
Cabeelibob said:
So the dilemma is the association of the destruction of whole sexual organs and purposful destruction of fertility. It’s like affirming vasectomy.
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Cabeelibob said:
it would be living a lie
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Cabeelibob said:
I don’t believe that someone born female can be literally a male
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I’d say what @TheLittleLady said just now. This isn’t about you being required to expound Catholic theology or ethics. The fact that you don’t believe in a literal sense that your friend has transitioned on a deeper level from one biological sex to another doesn’t really matter here. This is about somebody who now identifies as a different gender and is presumably generally accepted as presenting as that gender by most people in his day-to-day life. In that case I don’t see any reason not to just be polite and accept Ace as being male for the purposes of your interactions.

You certainly aren’t being asked to pronounce on the ethics of human fertility. Lots of people purposefully destroy their own fertility. You almost certainly know people who have purposefully destroyed their own fertility in ways that you don’t know anything about. Are you going to remove them from your life too should you find out one day?

This isn’t wholly unlike the manufactured dilemma of how to address female and Protestant clergy.
 
I guess an important thing that I left out is that it was never a problem in our relationship until she asked me.

I did not call her female. I didn’t call her male either.
 
I am not going to lie to someone, I am not going to let someone live in their delusions, if they have a problem with it, tough.
 
TheLittleLady said:
It is simple, basic, human courtesy to call people by the name they give you.

Apologize, tell your friend that you are sorry for being unkind.
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I agree on the name. People might rightly choose to be called by another name.

Regarding the pronoun, that was given by God. She is a female. Even changing her genitalia does not render into a male.

‘Recognizing’ her as anything else is a falsehood.
 
Brendan said:
‘Recognizing’ her as anything else is a falsehood.
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Using other than the preferred name and pronoun can be a source of dysphoria i.e., you might be exacerbating the dysphoria.

Most people with gender dysphoria don’t have surgery or need it to relieve their dysphoria. Most manage by transitioning socially which is what you are discouraging.

We know very little about gender dysphoria except that transitioning relieves dysphoria and that varies from person to person. Unless you know something different, making this simple accommodation could help the person living with dysphoria live long enough for a treatment that is reliable and doesn’t harm them.
 
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Don’t contact your friend and apologise if you can’t mean it. Don’t contact your friend just to make you feel better/less guilty.

I have this situation with a close friend of mine. I call them name they chose, because that’s just respectful. Anyone can change their name to anything they like. I think it’s only right to respect that change. For me and my friend, pronouns have not come up. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. My friend is ill and has been struggling for a long time. I’m not going to prolong their struggling any more than is necessary. If it helps them to be called a different name, of course I will do it.

But you should only do it if you can be sincere.
 
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