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MacQ
Guest
Yes, I see now that your dilemmas are indeed those of the modern man of your age (some not new, but a lot of it harder now), and that your approach to them is responsible and thoughtful. It’s admirable that you’re able to delay some of the things you really want for the long view, and to meet what you perceive as your obligations to others.
I never thought of you as a fat boy in the basement, but I did let some previous threads make me more skeptical than I should have been.
I’m glad you took the time to set things straight.
I’m not too worried about you anymore, as you seem extremely capable of thinking things through. I reckon it’ll all fall into place for you sometime soon.
I’ll be praying for that!
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underacloud
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Do you mean “perspective”?
You’re probably right; I don’t really understand it. Your attitude to women is so foreign to me, and so wrong in my opinion, that I have resorted to ridicule as a way to challenge you on it.
I won’t chastise you any more. But if you want advice from a man of a similar age who is happily married to a beautiful, well adjusted, and fun woman, then I’m happy to try to help.
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Cat
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I take back my advice.
You don’t need a counselor to show you how to live. You need a counselor to show you how to be nice and how to appreciate others.
What you have said in your post above is that you are only interested in hearing from people who have “worked 6/10 hour shifts a week in a Rankine boiler burning rod and taking college level courses at the same time.”
That certainly limits those who will be able to try to help you.
And what in the world are you talking about–pounding nails with Habitat for Humanity while on vacation from an accounting job? Who are you referring to? Where did this come from anyway?
In case I didn’t mention it before, I’m a 57-year-old woman, and I too have had my share of “life experiences,” not the same as yours, but comparably difficult and dangerous. So has everyone else on CAF. So get over yourself.
Even if I will never be able to understand what a man goes through because I am not a man, I do understand women because I am one, and I can assure you that the vast majority of women want to be around a man who is “nice.”
Your job, your life experiences, your acumen with money, your physical appearance–none of this matters. A woman’s biggest need is SECURITY, and a man who is not “nice” will make her feel insecure about herself and her situation.
“Nice” means that even if someone like Cat doesn’t seem to understand what the heck you are trying to say, you respond to them respectfully, without calling them names, and you patiently and kindly point out the errors in their interpretation of what you have said, and describe your situation in a new way that is hopefully more comprehensible to the person you are attempting to communicate with. You repeat this as many times as necessary, until both of you mutually agree that the communication is getting both of you nowhere. At that point, you bid farewell cheerfully and leave the door open for further communication at a later date
That’s what I will do with you at this time. I don’t understand you, and I don’t appreciate your attitude towards me or some of the other posters on this thread. I hope that things go better with you.
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runwaymodel
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People tend to get defensive, as you are, when the truth starts to hit close to home.
The fact that you have considered even living at home till you are 40 so you can put a down payment on a house is ridiculous. You do not want to marry a women who already has children but the older you get, the smaller your dating pool. Women will question why it took you so long to find someone. And your effort, while commendable, you are going about the wrong way.
To answer another one of your crazy theories that women like alpha males, we don’t. We love responsible, kind, considerate, ambitious gentlemen who have their priorities in order. It doesn’t sound like you’re there yet–this is coming from a female in her mid 20s. Hopefully you will change that soon. Bill Gates, can attain some women (if he wanted) because he is kind and generous and intelligent, not a alpha. You don’t seem to understand this concept.
I will also tell you this, anyone can purchase a home so it’s not as big of a deal as your making it out in your head, it adds to the responsibilities but it would be much easier if you had a loving partner by your side either helping you, or motivating you. Money over relationships is the absolute most simple-minded thing that you can do, my friend. I am telling you this from experience. And I mean people who really have money, multi millionaires would choose loved ones over money. Because you can always reacquire wealth, it’s not a big deal. I would happily trade in everything if I had just so my family and loved ones are happy. In the blink of an eye, because that’s what makes life worth while. Family, friends, and the relationships we get from them.
Back to the story I was going to tell you: I got my first home before I was even allowed to legally drink. I couldn’t toast with champagne but sparkling cider. I did it on my own. No help. Now, I have siblings and family who don’t live near me but I pay for mortgage and rent so that way they don’t stress out about apartments or whatnot (just my siblings. My parents have their in home obviously). THAT is how you help your family. Start your own life but continue to help financially until they are prepared to get on their feet. You have a little bit of money in the bank so use that to be a man, move out, and start your life.
Seek help for your brother. Immediately. That is the best gift you could give him and your mother.
Congrats on getting your education, by the way. I personally think that’s great regardless of age.
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Xantippe
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PolarGuy
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Watching this thread with mild amusement re: all of KountC’s statements, including all the statements along the line of “I’ve made so much money and lived so much more of life than all you peons.”
I would add that as to each one of us, what makes us think we don’t ourselves have Somme baggage? As to mom and brother being equivalent to a $100k debt, I agree totally, and add that it’s actually more: some people might call baggage like that a deal breaker.
I would add that as to each one of us, what makes us think we don’t ourselves have Somme baggage? As to mom and brother being equivalent to a $100k debt, I agree totally, and add that it’s actually more: some people might call baggage like that a deal breaker.
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Kount_C
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Hi this is my last reply. Then I’m finished. Because I couldn’t pass this up.
Two things I wanted to point out; are that. if you rely on a partner to make it through life, you’re going to have a hard time. It is never my intention to ever have to rely on a woman to help me buy a home or pay bills. There is much more value to me, in being able to buy a house cash, no mortgage as to oppose to owing 1400 dollars a month. Its called freedom. With a 400 dollar a month mortgage I can work at Wal Mart and live high on the hog so to speak.
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Freedom from ever having to work in a sweat shop (ie..any Florida boat company). 6 days a week with an alcoholic boss or methamphetamine addicted bosses calling the shots in my life. (Yes I have had bosses who where also meth dealers and/or cocaine addicts some of them even had their MBA's)
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Why would I associate money as a greater value over a woman ? In today's modern society , the only person you can rely on is yourself. The court system is set up , to rail road men of their belongings and livelihood through divorce and separation. Nothing is risk free.
I grew up in Central Florida; in 2005. During the boom, when it was 200k dollars to live in a double wide trailer in the ghetto. So. it was a big deal, then and some what relevant today, to be able to buy a home. Where houses are still bid (20-50)k plus past their asking price in this sluggish economy .One ex GF of mine had 3 abortions, before she met me. She had issues.
Why should I at any time in my life; put having 100k++ in the bank cash, over a “Partnership” with some reject, that has a child with a former crack head, or pill head. Whom believes that there is inherited value in the size of her hips to body ratio?
At the drop of a hat, marriages become worthless, a paid off house, and not caring about pride at 40 years old. Is much more valuable to me then bedding down at night with someone else.
Move to Florida, particularly the space coast Orlando area. You can meet some nice local woman here to date, whom didn’t finish high school and intentionally rely on child support payments as a form of earned income. Typically they come from a family who has a mother; who has also been divorced two times over. That is the quality of life in the Orlando Space Coast area. Where it is a big deal to buy a home; when a trailer is often over 100k dollars.
Its a dog eat dog world, the naive dog is usually the one that gets eaten.
Cheers! and Good luck, I’m out.
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runwaymodel
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If that’s what you value and that’s your prerogative, then good for you. I mean that. But later in life you can’t go complaining that you never meet nice, decent women or you have no partner. The fact is they are out there but you have all your priorities mixed. You keep equating relationships with baggage or “crack heads” (as you put it) and women with issues…there’s something very disturbing about that or perhaps that has been your last experience. I’m sorry if that’s the case,
On their death beds seldom do people ever say, I wish I had more money or worked harder. They wish they spent more time with him or her or family or apologized or loved. So what that tells you that everyone has in common is relationships. Whether it’s family or love or friendships.
Not to be rude or disrespectful, but poor people seem to think that money cures everything. If that’s your goal, to acquire wealth, what you want to do is use other peoples money (have them invest in you) rarely ever use your own. But I guess it depends on what lifestyle you want and what you consider ‘wealth’. In LA if you’re not making at least 1 million per year you’re not consider wealthy. That’s per year. But then maybe that’s not what you want. You said working at Walmart would be fine if that meant paying no mortgage? So how is that even living? You’re still working but not doing something you love.
But anyway, my advice still stands. Relationships > loneliness
Remember, to attract a good person you need to BE a good person. So maybe work on yourself and your mentality a little bit.
God bless
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Kount_C
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I never met anyone who did what they wanted for a living or something they enjoyed. Unless they where a celebrity, dirt poor, or where given a Golden Ticket through life.
Cheers!
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runwaymodel
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Wow, that’s a super negative mentality. For some people it does take longer to find out what they are passionate about or to even get there, but mostly everyone I know is working their in their desired field or at least working to acquire it. Whether it’s super nurturing people becoming a nurse, or a scientist working for NASA or a humanitarian group, everyone has different passions.
Maybe that outlook is why you seem to have such negative views. You’d be surprised by changing your thinking just how many things changes.
I’m living my dream and you can bet I didn’t get dealt some “golden ticket” as you put it. Work smart, not hard. Funny enough, the “dream job” I had as a young adult I no longer feel the same about so you know what I’m doing? Working towards my next dream career, while being in a relationship, 100% self sufficient and providing for my sibling. So if a girl in her 20s has enough courage to do it, so can you. Change your mentality, friend.
God bless!
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Xantippe
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You’re just living in a terrible environment.
I know lots of people who do what they want for a living and what they enjoy–not as their first job, necessarily but eventually.
Off the top of my head:
–my husband (a professor)–the administrative stuff and the grading can be a drag, but he loves his research and his classroom teaching. He also loves his hobby programming that he does on the side and makes a tidy little income stream
–a relative who is an expert psychologist and a researcher on head and spinal cord injury cases–she can put people’s marriages back together, to say nothing of her more specialized abilities to figure out how to improve the lives of people with serious injuries
–my dad–has several gigs, definitely loves the challenge of his construction projects, his community college teaching, his writing projects, his book-selling. (He makes $10 each on his self-published books)
–my aunt–loves her teaching, loves public speaking, loves people–has several rental houses (going to be paid off very soon) and at least 4 sources of income I can count.
–my grandpa–loves farming (just sold off his cattle at around 92)
–my sister and her husband–love their entrepreneurial lifestyle and their businesses (one corporate consulting job and 3+ businesses).
Not one of those people is poor, got a golden ticket, or is celibate.
There are certain repeating threads there–teaching, helping people, making their lives better, solving problems, working several different gigs, being entrepreneurial, etc. There’s also a strong relationship between being a high earner and being a passionate and committed worker. (One set of people on the list makes about a quarter million dollars a year. I’m pretty sure another set makes easily $200k a year.) People who just grind away joylessly for a pay check are only going to make so much money before they burn out or get canned. They’re also all (with one exception) reasonably happily married. People who are successful are often successful across the board–high income, beloved vocation, spouse who is a faithful and responsible teammate, etc.
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runwaymodel
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Kount_C
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I’m going to play the negative pessimistic card here and say despite hard work efforts. Once someone meets the Professor or Dr. status they are on a golden ticket. Indeed. I would not hesitate to be a professor or PHD if I had that brain power. I’ve put in the 12-18 hour days studying. But, I didn’t get that ticket in life to go to graduate level school. Those are elite positions reserved for those given special abilities in life. Academics play special favors for those whom are book smart. Schools will always cater for these people at a young age.
No offense, intended, I’m not trying to take away from any man’s hard work or long hours that bring accomplishment. But the truth is, some are going to just be born smarter and more equipped for life then others.
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I've done 12-18 hour study days, taking speed, (legal) to get F's on exams. My record is 20 hours of Calculus problem solving in 2010 before finals. Any chance of me ever sitting for a PHD program or advanced graduate program is a joke. I've been told my GPA is not competitive by CS program coordinators. Pharmacy Program Coordinators, and Physical Therapy Coordinators.100k in the bank at 40, makes up for not having a PHD and a lack of brain power. Not doing what I want for a living and enjoying life. That satisfaction feeling of not having a treble hook in my mouth.
Cheers! and God bless you.
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PolarGuy
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Gotta say, KountC – you’ve never met me. I love doing what I do for a living (courtroom lawyer) and make a decent living at it.
Victor Cruz (football player for NFL Giants) said, “we get paid a king’s ransom to play a kid’s game.” Well, I get paid a non-kings-ransom-but-I-can-live-well-on-it salary to do things most people only see others doing on “Law and Order.”
Now, I hate to say it, but, in addition to seeing some “issues” with your priorities, you seem to see “having $100k in the bank” as if it’s some magic talisman of freedom. It’s not: Your precious $100k will be gone in a 3-4 night hospital stay unless you have good health insurance, and in most areas of the USA it’s a decent real estate down payment but hardly some ticket to freedom forever. It’s a form of a nice “insurance policy” in the event of need/want/desire, but no more. Besides, if you have $100k cash, leaving it in a bank account is probably the worst place for it, investment-wise, but that’s another subject…
Victor Cruz (football player for NFL Giants) said, “we get paid a king’s ransom to play a kid’s game.” Well, I get paid a non-kings-ransom-but-I-can-live-well-on-it salary to do things most people only see others doing on “Law and Order.”
Now, I hate to say it, but, in addition to seeing some “issues” with your priorities, you seem to see “having $100k in the bank” as if it’s some magic talisman of freedom. It’s not: Your precious $100k will be gone in a 3-4 night hospital stay unless you have good health insurance, and in most areas of the USA it’s a decent real estate down payment but hardly some ticket to freedom forever. It’s a form of a nice “insurance policy” in the event of need/want/desire, but no more. Besides, if you have $100k cash, leaving it in a bank account is probably the worst place for it, investment-wise, but that’s another subject…
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Kount_C
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Hey , no doubt man. I believe what you have said 100%. That 100k in the bank, is for buying a house cash. A paid off house, is a buffer, to having to work for a meth head boss who sells Cocaine at the company job site. Its like working at Shaw Shank when you are involved in power plants. Its really a nihilistic group of people that make cash from chaos.
Paid off house == freedom to move from one job to the next.
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Xantippe
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Be preparing an exit plan other than a paid-off house and a job at Walmart. Also, think about self-employment, perhaps starting with a side job that you can turn into your full-time gig. I think you’d really enjoy being your own boss. Just dying with a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of cash is not much of a life plan.
Get yourself over to your community college once you get your degree and take a class a term until you find something you’re really good at and that you like.
I don’t know if this book is any good, but Dave Ramsey is always recommending it and I’ve been meaning to read it.
rabbidaniellapin.com/productprofile.php?id=6
Good luck!
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Xantippe
Guest
By the way, it occurs that me that just leaving Florida would make for a less “colorful” work environment, even staying in the same industry. Florida is a really special place, I’ve heard.
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fin
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Something one should strive for. Success in having a career (or business) you love, earning more than enough, a loving spouse and family, good relationships, excellent health, close relationship with God, cultural and intellectual stimulation and growth.
I have and read this book, and yes it’s a good one. It has good advice such as valuing your networks. I admit that I haven’t been doing well in following the tips, and this is a reminder for me to do so. One of the things I remember is that Jews teach their children how to swim, learn a trade or some valuable skill, and help them find a spouse. All good advice.
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GrandmaLaLa
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Hi: I always get into trouble by too much feedback. So, I will offer a snapshot. We are not required to take care of people who are able to take care of themselves. Your mom is younger than I. Why isn’t she financially ok? Who is supporting the brother and should they be.
What you are doing seems to be CO-D. You might want to learn all you can about it.
Sheila
What you are doing seems to be CO-D. You might want to learn all you can about it.
Sheila
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