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Jay417
Guest
Now after several good week’s my wife comes to me and says she has decided no kids at all. Adoption is out. Also says she will not forgive me for reacting with hurt and a
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Jay417
Guest
Sorry, problem earlier, she says she can’t forgive my emotions before when she said no to pregnancy. Now she told me she no longer plans to attend mass. She says she wants to live in the now and feel young, says she wants to go out with friends and such. These are things she rarely did in the past. She says either no kids or she will call for a divorce. I’m lost. I love her, and I want to save our marriage.
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kptrs
Guest
Well, giving ultimatums like that are far from the actions of a loving spouse. Your wife has some very serious issues that need to be addressed. I think it’s time for a visit to a trusted priest or Catholic marriage counselor. Prayers for you and your marriage. :console:
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
This might be hard to do. But you need to step out of your own hurt and step up for your wife. She is in a spiritual hole and it is the job of a spouse to help the other one achieve heaven. You wife needs you right now. And she needs God and His Church. You need to put aside your own self and lead her out of this darkness.
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Jay417
Guest
I am trying to help her. I am in the deep south with a priest who is barely present. I have one trusted priest two hours away who my wife refuses to see. She won’t see a therapist in the church. I do not plan on giving up, but I need help too. Anyone in the archdiocese of Atlanta GA know a place to call?
My problem is how much do I have to give up before she will be satisfied.
My problem is how much do I have to give up before she will be satisfied.
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Jay417
Guest
Also, I don’t know where this is coming from about giving up on mass. She always loved church. All this happened within the last two months
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KnitNut
Guest
This whole issue, her not wanting pregnancy, just surfaced one month ago according to your past posts. Reading that lengthy thread, the next followup, and now this…that’s a lot of drama for one single month. (Particularly where she DID try, repeatedly, for pregnancy. It’s not like she refused you outright.)
I suspect, given your wife’s most recent escalation, that you have continued to club her with this. I’m not minimizing your issue, but I am telling you that repeated badgering in the absence of any new information/resources is going to give you an increasingly negative result. Really.
If she won’t see a counselor, you should at least see one yourself. That will help you better clarify your feelings, needs, and intentions. I know you say you want to save your marriage…but the only one you can control is you. Also, if “saving” means her going along with whatever you want, the counselor will help you examine that benchmark realistically.
I suspect, given your wife’s most recent escalation, that you have continued to club her with this. I’m not minimizing your issue, but I am telling you that repeated badgering in the absence of any new information/resources is going to give you an increasingly negative result. Really.
If she won’t see a counselor, you should at least see one yourself. That will help you better clarify your feelings, needs, and intentions. I know you say you want to save your marriage…but the only one you can control is you. Also, if “saving” means her going along with whatever you want, the counselor will help you examine that benchmark realistically.
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pensmama87
Guest
I wonder if your wife might consider seeing a doctor. The rapid change in her emotions and reactions to you is not normal. There could be a lot of mental or physical things going on that could be affecting her.
Even if she won’t go for a Christian therapist, even a good secular therapist will say that it is really unfair for your wife to tell you your feelings are not “forgivable.” Our feelings are our feelings; the simple fact that we feel them is out of our control. There are more and less appropriate ways of expressing them, but it is not OK for her to tell you you can’t feel certain things, especially over huge changes in your marriage like this.
So I would push counseling and seeing a doctor, not because you want to blame her (because she may take it that way or try to spin it that way), but to say something like, “I’m really worried about you and about us. I feel like things are changing really fast and it is confusing. I think if we had some help working through this and figuring out what’s going on, we can continue to be happy together.”
Even if she won’t go for a Christian therapist, even a good secular therapist will say that it is really unfair for your wife to tell you your feelings are not “forgivable.” Our feelings are our feelings; the simple fact that we feel them is out of our control. There are more and less appropriate ways of expressing them, but it is not OK for her to tell you you can’t feel certain things, especially over huge changes in your marriage like this.
So I would push counseling and seeing a doctor, not because you want to blame her (because she may take it that way or try to spin it that way), but to say something like, “I’m really worried about you and about us. I feel like things are changing really fast and it is confusing. I think if we had some help working through this and figuring out what’s going on, we can continue to be happy together.”
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes.
Also, if she’s willing to see a non-Catholic counselor, do that. (But interview the counselor to make sure that they are respectful and have a good process–have them explain what they are planning on doing with you and where he or she wants to take you.)
One spouse not wanting children is something that a lot of non-Catholic couples also deal with, so an experienced counselor will have seen this scenario a number of times.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes!
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slh3016
Guest
It sounds as if your wife is very depressed, which is certainly not the mental state you’d even want her going into pregnancy or adoption with, so as hard as it may be for you, you need to just drop it. Possibly just for now, possibly forever 
You have two choices:
A)** Love her.** Does she want to see a counselor? Does she even think she’d benefit from seeing one? If not, it’s not going to be any use in HER getting help because she obviously doesn’t think she needs it and if she goes, she’s going to hold it against you. How about suggesting couples counseling first?
Also, you need to bring back the romance in your life, it sounds like. Quit focusing on a kid and love her as if she were infertile and there was no chance of a pregnancy. Just don’t mention it or talk about it and don’t walk around inwardly moping because you are fighting the urge to bring it up because women can ALWAYS tell and that makes it worse.
So, my advice is to surprise her with a vacation to some exotic getaway or book a cruise. Send her flowers. Write her love notes and convince her that you still love her REGARDLESS. This will take TIME.
As for Mass, she’s in a hole. Likely, she knows that her attitude is not in line with Church teaching and by going to Mass (and seeing all the children running around), it’s like heaping hot coals on her. She’s in self-preservation mode right now. You’ll never get her to work on or talk about the other issues if she doesn’t feel like she’s loved and accepted unconditionally. She will just inward seethe.
B) Leave her. Sounds like you really don’t want to do this and I’m not encouraging it either, but that’s your decision to make. If you do, though, you just validated every single insecurity and doubt she has right now in regards to your feelings toward her. I’m certainly not excusing her behavior but you need to be the bigger person right now.
You have two choices:
A)** Love her.** Does she want to see a counselor? Does she even think she’d benefit from seeing one? If not, it’s not going to be any use in HER getting help because she obviously doesn’t think she needs it and if she goes, she’s going to hold it against you. How about suggesting couples counseling first?
Also, you need to bring back the romance in your life, it sounds like. Quit focusing on a kid and love her as if she were infertile and there was no chance of a pregnancy. Just don’t mention it or talk about it and don’t walk around inwardly moping because you are fighting the urge to bring it up because women can ALWAYS tell and that makes it worse.
So, my advice is to surprise her with a vacation to some exotic getaway or book a cruise. Send her flowers. Write her love notes and convince her that you still love her REGARDLESS. This will take TIME.
As for Mass, she’s in a hole. Likely, she knows that her attitude is not in line with Church teaching and by going to Mass (and seeing all the children running around), it’s like heaping hot coals on her. She’s in self-preservation mode right now. You’ll never get her to work on or talk about the other issues if she doesn’t feel like she’s loved and accepted unconditionally. She will just inward seethe.
B) Leave her. Sounds like you really don’t want to do this and I’m not encouraging it either, but that’s your decision to make. If you do, though, you just validated every single insecurity and doubt she has right now in regards to your feelings toward her. I’m certainly not excusing her behavior but you need to be the bigger person right now.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes.
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heidi_storage
Guest
I can answer that, based on your previous posts–you will have to give up everything, and then she still won’t be satisfied. The more you grovel, the more ultimatums she will issue. Honestly, if your posts are accurate, she seems to be trying to torpedo the marriage.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Yes, I would agree. Perhaps the wife does not respect the OP period. perhaps part of her frustration is the OPs seeming weakness.
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Jay417
Guest
No I didn’t badger her about any of this. Last night she came to me and asked if I were ok with her going to a club with her best friend. I told her okay. Later she comes to me and asks when our adoption classes begin. I told her in about six weeks. Ok. An hour later she says, “I’m sorry but I’m not ready to adopt and I doubt I ever will be. I think I don’t want kids at all. I couldn’t tell you, but I’ve felt this way off and on all my life” then she told me that at 29 she wanted to be young for a while and club, go out etc. … so no, I have not pushed at all. I’ve worked, taken her on dates, ssurprised her with earnings she really wanted. I’ve been attentive and good.
An oddity, last night she told me she felt we got serious and married too fast and that she missed her youth. We got married at 27 and 24 after three years together, and in all that time she was content aNd happy. She always said she hated clubs and bars and wanted to be settled.
An oddity, last night she told me she felt we got serious and married too fast and that she missed her youth. We got married at 27 and 24 after three years together, and in all that time she was content aNd happy. She always said she hated clubs and bars and wanted to be settled.
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Jay417
Guest
I stood up and firm to her in the beginning and that’s the fuel she is using to say she can’t forgive me, because I didn’t just say okay.
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pianistclare
Guest
I’m in the ATL. There are literally 100 priests who would help.
If your parish does not offer anything, the Archdiocese certainly does.
www.archatl.com
holyfamilycounselingcenter.com/
You pay what you can afford.
Call them today.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
You don’t seem firm, or a leader on here. That is not the vibe you give off. And perhaps that is not your personality, that is perfectly ok. Your wife needs help, it is your responsibility to get her the help she needs. You have some responsibility for her soul and she should have some responsibility for yours.
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pianistclare
Guest
I will add: marriage is not 50-50.
It’s 100-100.
You have to get her through this. Her perspective may improve or be amended after counseling. As Hoosier says, she needs help. That’s your priority.
If you are meant to have children, God will allow it. In His time.
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GEddie
Guest
Just my $.02 MX.
Clubs and the like are venues for flirtation, so if she never liked them before, this is IIUC a warning sign. The “ship” may already be in the ice, and rather than picking up passengers (ie, children) the concern should be damage control.
RUN to a Church counselor, alone if she won’t go with you. IMNAAHO.
GOD bless and ICXC NIKA.
Clubs and the like are venues for flirtation, so if she never liked them before, this is IIUC a warning sign. The “ship” may already be in the ice, and rather than picking up passengers (ie, children) the concern should be damage control.
RUN to a Church counselor, alone if she won’t go with you. IMNAAHO.
GOD bless and ICXC NIKA.
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