Uncharitable response to request for help

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57classic

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The women’s group at my very small parish normally has a baby shower this time of year for a local unwed mothers’ home. This year the director indicated they always have many donations for the babies but rarely anything for the mothers and the residents would appreciate gift cards so they could get things for themselves such as stretch pants, and hygiene items and would most especially appreciate gift cards to a restaurant and movie theater so they could have a night out.
I was dismayed but not surprised to find several ladies screw up their faces and express disapproval of this year’s shower. I tried to express how the mothers all have another choice available to them and we should be supportive of that choice and celebrate that they have chosen to give birth. I don’t know how many of these mothers-to-be are giving their babies up, whether they are local or came here to be away from their hometown. I don’t know whether they have jobs, whether they have any support, moral or financial from their families, how they currently afford deodorant, toothpaste or their need for increased size clothing, or any other details about their circumstances-it’s just not our business. There is a need and we should be helping to fill it out of love for these women who are in a difficult situation. I know they got there by choice, or maybe not, but I don’t think they should be punished, they will have enough suffering in the coming months and years.
How can I express these thoughts in the parish bulletin in a loving manner that wouldn’t be taken as insulting or better-than-thou?
 
Blessings to you and it’s nice that you are open to a different perspective. The only person you have control over is you. What you think, say, and do. You could talk to some of the others one on one casually and mention that you think what the director indicated is a good idea and that you will (if you are) be offering things for the mothers as suggested.
Leave it at that. If they agree great and if not try not to get into an argument about it, but your mention of the alternative these mothers could have taken is in my view very compelling and may without pressure give these folks something to think about.
 
Well… I am shocked that the other women would screw up their face over a request. A more charitable response would have been ‘I am sorry I am only comfortable giving gift for the baby.’

At the end of the day, if they are giving they do have a right to chose what to give. They just should be a bit more polite in how they say no
 
Anglewannabe said:
Well… I am shocked that the other women would screw up their face over a request. A more charitable response would have been ‘I am sorry I am only comfortable giving gift for the baby.’

At the end of the day, if they are giving they do have a right to chose what to give. They just should be a bit more polite in how they say no
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They do have a right to give what they chose, however for this particular event, it is specified to give gift cards for the above named items. Those wanting to give only baby items will appear churlish if they come to the meeting. They probably won’t give anything this year or come to the meeting which will be a shame.
 
57classic said:
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How can I express these thoughts in the parish bulletin in a loving manner that wouldn’t be taken as insulting or better-than-thou?
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Here’s what I would do in your bulletin announcement: announce the plan, to bring gift items for the babies and gift cards for the mothers for things like clothing, cosmetics, movies, etc.
Then follow it with a quote from the Bible, such as “I was thirsty and you gave me to drink, I was hungry . … whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.”

Or just the last phrase, if you prefer. Who could argue with the words of Christ?
God bless.

.
 
57classic said:
however for this particular event, it is specified to give gift cards for the above named items.
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I think this approach is a mistake.

In the future, I suggest that you go in the direction of a monetary donation at the shower-- I’ve seen fundraisers with empty baby bottles that people fill with money and then bring to the church.

The pregnancy center can buy gift cards, baby items or use the donations any way they choose.

That takes the burden off you to have to justify the request, preempts objections to certain types of donations, AND simplifies the record keeping.

Since the horse is already out of the barn this year, I suggest a message that indicates self care for mom means better care for baby. Or the slogan “love them both” comes to mind,so maybe “showering them both with love”
 
Viki63 said:
Here’s what I would do in your bulletin announcement: announce the plan, to bring gift items for the babies and gift cards for the mothers for things like clothing, cosmetics, movies, etc.
Then follow it with a quote from the Bible, such as “I was thirsty and you gave me to drink, I was hungry . … whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.”

Or just the last phrase, if you prefer. Who could argue with the words of Christ?
God bless.
.
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I like that response, it goes with The Year of Mercy!
 
1ke said:
I think this approach is a mistake.

Since the horse is already out of the barn this year, I suggest a message that indicates self care for mom means better care for baby. Or the slogan “love them both” comes to mind,so maybe “showering them both with love”
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I really like that idea too!
 
I really love you people, I knew I could get help here!
Thank you!
 
57classic said:
The women’s group at my very small parish normally has a baby shower this time of year for a local unwed mothers’ home. ** This year the director indicated they always have many donations for the babies but rarely anything for the mothers and the residents would appreciate gift cards so they could get things for themselves such as stretch pants, and hygiene items and would most especially appreciate gift cards to a restaurant and movie theater so they could have a night out.**
I was dismayed but not surprised to find several ladies screw up their faces and express disapproval of this year’s shower. I tried to express how the mothers all have another choice available to them and we should be supportive of that choice and celebrate that they have chosen to give birth. I don’t know how many of these mothers-to-be are giving their babies up, whether they are local or came here to be away from their hometown. I don’t know whether they have jobs, whether they have any support, moral or financial from their families, how they currently afford deodorant, toothpaste or their need for increased size clothing, or any other details about their circumstances-it’s just not our business. There is a need and we should be helping to fill it out of love for these women who are in a difficult situation. I know they got there by choice, or maybe not, but I don’t think they should be punished, they will have enough suffering in the coming months and years.
How can I express these thoughts in the parish bulletin in a loving manner that wouldn’t be taken as insulting or better-than-thou?
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I haven’t read the comments, but I think what probably did it for your women’s group were the words “restaurant” and “movie.” A lot of families (especially young single income families) dine out very, very rarely and a movie out might be at best a yearly treat. So, you might have been asking them to give something that they themselves rarely get.

I think you would have gotten a more favorable hearing if you’d left those things out (even though a gift card to Subway might be very handy for a job hunter or new mother). Come to think of it, saying Subway or McDonald’s gift card might have gone over better than saying “restaurant”.
 
These were older women, their children grown and gone. I probably should have not said “restaurant” but locally there are some mom and pop joints that are pretty reasonable for a sit down burger and fries or a smorgasbord.

These mothers feel trapped in more ways than one. The director seemed to me to indicate that the donations for the babies was overwhelming and I get it that many would want the mothers to be as frugal as possible however the attitude was more along the lines of needing to mete out punishment. (I encountered the same from my aunt when one of her grand nieces planned to give a child up for adoption and she insisted she keep the child as a punishment. Happy to report the aunt lost that round.)
 
57classic said:
They do have a right to give what they chose, however for this particular event, it is specified to give gift cards for the above named items. Those wanting to give only baby items will appear churlish if they come to the meeting. They probably won’t give anything this year or come to the meeting which will be a shame.
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Is the charity actually turning away baby items?

If not, confirm with the charity whether they will accept some baby items alongside the mother items.

If you showcase in your appeal the mother items without implying baby items shouldn’t be brought, maybe that will help.

I hope the blue rinse brigade aren’t making people unduly nervous.

May God give you and your friends Holy Spirit poise and may the appeal not be undermined. Our Father said.

I know of charities that give out short lists but are still welcoming items on a longer list, no problem.
 
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
Is the charity actually turning away baby items?

If not, confirm with the charity whether they will accept some baby items alongside the mother items.

If you showcase in your appeal the mother items without implying baby items shouldn’t be brought, maybe that will help.

I hope the blue rinse brigade aren’t making people unduly nervous.

May God give you and your friends Holy Spirit poise and may the appeal not be undermined. Our Father said.

I know of charities that give out short lists but are still welcoming items on a longer list, no problem.
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Oh they’ll take anything, the director was just frustrated because everyone thinks of the babies and ignores the needs of the mothers. They still need deodorant and shampoo and will need stretch pants and new, larger underwear. Loving the sinner couldn’t be more obvious in this case.
 
I think that the request for gift cards to restaurants and movie theatres probably seemed extravagant and out of place. I, personally, would refuse to buy luxury items for a charity, but would gladly buy necessities, including the toiletries or larger size maternity pants/underwear.

I don’t go out to restaurants much myself, not even for birthdays or anniversaries. And I have gone to the movies once in the last decade.

I hope you can see how these women might have been very upset at being asked to provide such luxury items, without being uncharitable in their thoughts. It would have shocked me, if I was in their place.
 
57classic said:
The women’s group at my very small parish normally has a baby shower this time of year for a local unwed mothers’ home.

I was dismayed but not surprised to find several ladies screw up their faces and express disapproval of this year’s shower.
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Well, it is in fact called a baby shower. In the past, baby showers have been held to assemble all of the things needed to take care of the **baby. **

Since this is an older group of women, they are thinking that same way, despite the requests for things for the moms. You did say you were not surprised to see several women screw up their faces, so you must know that they are not liking the change because the emphasis is being shifted away from the **baby. ** And doesn’t everyone like to shop for baby things, baby clothes, cute bedding, things like that? That’s why they are making faces.

I don’t think it is right to call them uncharitable. That is not being fair. They think of baby showers as being for babies. There is nothing wrong or uncharitable about that. What I think is wrong, is trying to tell people how to give from their hearts, when they have always given for the baby alone in the past.

Honestly, I am not that old ;), but I probably wouldn’t be happy if this were announced in a group I belonged to either. If I am invited to a baby shower, I bring a gift for a baby.
 
Yeah.

I’m a well-heeled SAHM of three and my husband and I last went out to a movie once September 2014. Lord only knows when the previous one was (2 years previously?).

Be more strategic next time.
 
I had one person ask if there were any “repeat offenders”. I was offended. A person I know well and love dearly had two children out of wedlock. She was raised with an alcoholic father who didn’t love himself, consequently could not show love or teach a girl to respect herself. It is this woman I thought of when I took on this event that in the past was always a baby shower. It was the director that changed the focus. Not knowing any of the mothers or their circumstances, I have to take it on faith that the director who knows them understands their situations better than I do.

Maturity is an issue, I am sure. I am only guessing but maybe the director hears frustrations expressed about their choice to give birth results in feeling like prisoners. I have no way to know the ages of the mothers but I can only imagine if these are teenagers how they would react to feeling trapped by their own actions and want some small semblance of their life before pregnancy.
 
57classic said:
It was the director that changed the focus. Not knowing any of the mothers or their circumstances, I have to take it on faith that the director who knows them understands their situations better than I do.

Maturity is an issue, I am sure. I am only guessing but maybe the director hears frustrations expressed about their choice to give birth results in feeling like prisoners. I have no way to know the ages of the mothers but I can only imagine if these are teenagers how they would react to feeling trapped by their own actions and want some small semblance of their life before pregnancy.
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Okay, I understand all of that. But maybe that should be taken up separately somehow. Perhaps a spa style afternoon of pampering or a dinner and a movie at the parish hall or something. But these women clearly felt moved to help the babies, so they cannot be faulted for that.
 
I agree, they can’t be faulted for caring about the babies, I just wish they had some love to spare for the mothers.

Isn’t that one of the things the pro-abortion people keep throwing at us, that we don’t care what happens to the women, just that the baby isn’t aborted?
 
It was unfair of me to talk about blue rinse brigades making people nervous.

Perhaps the charity could hold separate appeals for mothers in addition.

However infrequently your group joins in as a group in its own identity, there may be people who want to give to mothers as well throughout the year or once a year on another date.

I hear of charities that are appealing every week or so, rather than just once a year.

It sounds to me the charity must stand on its own feet about making additional appeals frequently enough instead of relying on making you feel you have to do different. when doing same as before is plenty good. Or, doing a mix.
 
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