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Xantippe
Guest
Right. The problem with a $20 gift card is that it almost always costs $20 to give one, whereas there are lots of ways to get $20 worth of stuff that doesn’t cost $20.
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gardenswithkids
Guest
Well, it is in fact called a baby shower. In the past, baby showers have been held to assemble all of the things needed to take care of the **baby. **
Since this is an older group of women, they are thinking that same way, despite the requests for things for the moms. You did say you were not surprised to see several women screw up their faces, so you must know that they are not liking the change because the emphasis is being shifted away from the **baby. ** And doesn’t everyone like to shop for baby things, baby clothes, cute bedding, things like that? That’s why they are making faces.
I don’t think it is right to call them uncharitable. That is not being fair. They think of baby showers as being for babies. There is nothing wrong or uncharitable about that. What I think is wrong, is trying to tell people how to give from their hearts, when they have always given for the baby alone in the past.
Honestly, I am not that old, but I probably wouldn’t be happy if this were announced in a group I belonged to either. If I am invited to a baby shower, I bring a gift for a baby.
Words matter. Don’t call something that isn’t a baby-shower a “baby shower”. Don’t call charitable people “uncharitable”. These women have proven to be generous and charitable in the past. They likely be willing to help if this request had been communicated in a more effective and gracious manner.
Asking for gift cards could have sounded like a very uncharitable response to their past help. It may have come across from the op as ungrateful. “I know you like to give baby clothes, and you might even have already purchased or made a baby gift, but they’d really rather just have a gift card to the movies.”
The people of the parish had been putting on a baby shower every year, so one needs to be careful at letting them know the type of items they’ve given in the past are no longer welcomed, wanted or needed by the pregnancy center. Asking for gift cards and cash turns what was once a baby shower into a fund raiser.
***Good manners and good communication are vital to the success of non-profit organizations. ***The proper response to a gift is, “Thank you.” Say thank you for their past help with all those baby showers. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! The pregnancy center has found this community is extremely generous, so now they’re well-stocked on baby items. If you’ve already got something, then we can take it, but they don’t really need a baby shower this year. However, they do need…” Then tell them about another need that the pregnancy center has that they can help with. Brain storm with them on ideas on how to help meet the mothers’ needs for personal items. Perhaps ask them to help collect un-used gift cards for these mothers or sell flowers or pies or something to help raise funds for the personal needs of the mothers at pregnancy center. They helped in the past, and they’d likely be wiling to help again–if they felt their help was appreciated and if they were asked nicely.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Absolutely!
Words matter. Don’t call something that isn’t a baby-shower a “baby shower”. Don’t call charitable people “uncharitable”. These women have proven to be generous and charitable in the past. They likely be willing to help if this request had been communicated in a more effective and gracious manner.
Asking for gift cards could have sounded like a very uncharitable response to their past help. It may have come across from the op as ungrateful. “I know you like to give baby clothes, and you might even have already purchased or made a baby gift, but they’d really rather just have a gift card to the movies.”
The people of the parish had been putting on a baby shower every year, so one needs to be careful at letting them know the type of items they’ve given in the past are no longer welcomed, wanted or needed by the pregnancy center. Asking for gift cards and cash turns what was once a baby shower into a fund raiser.
***Good manners and good communication are vital to the success of non-profit organizations. ***The proper response to a gift is, “Thank you.” Say thank you for their past help with all those baby showers. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! The pregnancy center has found this community is extremely generous, so now they’re well-stocked on baby items. If you’ve already got something, then we can take it, but they don’t really need a baby shower this year. However, they do need…” Then tell them about another need that the pregnancy center has that they can help with. Brain storm with them on ideas on how to help meet the mothers’ needs for personal items. Perhaps ask them to help collect un-used gift cards for these mothers or sell flowers or pies or something to help raise funds for the personal needs of the mothers at pregnancy center. They helped in the past, and they’d likely be wiling to help again–if they felt their help was appreciated and if they were asked nicely.
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57classic
Guest
There is no indication that it will be about the mothers from now on, as mothers cycle thru the home, needs change.
Words matter. Don’t call something that isn’t a baby-shower a “baby shower”. Don’t call charitable people “uncharitable”. These women have proven to be generous and charitable in the past. They likely be willing to help if this request had been communicated in a more effective and gracious manner.
Asking for gift cards could have sounded like a very uncharitable response to their past help. It may have come across from the op as ungrateful. “I know you like to give baby clothes, and you might even have already purchased or made a baby gift, but they’d really rather just have a gift card to the movies.”
The people of the parish had been putting on a baby shower every year, so one needs to be careful at letting them know the type of items they’ve given in the past are no longer welcomed, wanted or needed by the pregnancy center. Asking for gift cards and cash turns what was once a baby shower into a fund raiser.
***Good manners and good communication are vital to the success of non-profit organizations. ***The proper response to a gift is, “Thank you.” Say thank you for their past help with all those baby showers. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! The pregnancy center has found this community is extremely generous, so now they’re well-stocked on baby items. If you’ve already got something, then we can take it, but they don’t really need a baby shower this year. However, they do need…” Then tell them about another need that the pregnancy center has that they can help with. Brain storm with them on ideas on how to help meet the mothers’ needs for personal items. Perhaps ask them to help collect un-used gift cards for these mothers or sell flowers or pies or something to help raise funds for the personal needs of the mothers at pregnancy center. They helped in the past, and they’d likely be wiling to help again–if they felt their help was appreciated and if they were asked nicely.
There has to be some forgiveness for the unfortunate soul who took on the event expecting it to be run of the mill same as always and was blindsided when I called the home a little later than I should have and was asked most politely to help out the mothers this time. I had only an hour to rework the same old notice for the bulletin and apparently to the detriment of those in need, I screwed up.
The responses I have received are not altogether heartening. I get it that nobody wants to encourage sex out of wedlock. What nobody, including me, knows is whether or not any of the mothers were raped, date rape including. We don’t know what their home life was like, if a girl is not loved, not taught self respect she will have little idea how to ward off sexual advances that appear like the “love” she sees on TV. I do know that if a girl is not shown love, how to love and how to respect herself, she will be caught in a vicious downhill spiral of hating herself. Showing these mothers that they are valued not just their babies is a start.
Would any of you who would rather give to the baby than the mother, deny help to the homeless because it was their own fault they are on the streets? A woman shivering with cold that needs a coat and you just happen to have one you are taking to Goodwill, do you by pass her and give to the store she would have to buy it from with money she probably doesn’t have just because she looks like she deserves to be there? Seriously, this is a Work of Mercy, we all need mercy. We receive mercy to the degree we give it.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
Every year around Halloween I like to start playing this little game I invented. In grocery stores, I go to the clearance shelf. If I see canned goods dirt cheap eg $0.29, or kraft dinner of toothpaste basically anything that still has a good 6 months before expiry date, I pick it up. I keep it in my ‘big box’ Come the Christmass food drive, my box is so full, I need to get people to help me lift it up. I usually spend $40 max and probably the people benefitting are receiving $200 worth
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Irishmom2
Guest
That’s a good plan, Angie!
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Xantippe
Guest
I have never seen a homeless mother of young children begging in our area, and we live in an area with a lot of poor folk (average household income in the city is just over $30k US). If your area is like our area, that part of your speech is going to cause rolled eyes–and rightly so.
However, that said, the part of your post that I bolded is very good. Start with that and work up something from there, eliminating any temptation to mind-reading, guilt-tripping, etc.
It sounds like the maternity home dropped the ball on this–they should have given you way more notice that the nature of their need was different.
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57classic
Guest
There is nothing superior to it. I spoke to the director, the person who knows the needs of the home (utilities, maintenance, etc. she knows the needs of the residents and their personal situations, she knows what supplies are on hand for the current group of residents and their babies. She also knows how much space is available to store baby items that are not needed and won’t be for who knows how long. She asked for a card shower for the residents. I am trying to fulfill the wishes of the person who knows better than anyone else what is needed at the home. I apparently worded the initial bulletin item badly calling it a baby shower which in the past is what it has been. With the small amount of time I had to compose the item, and the fact that that is what we have always done at this time of year, I didn’t think calling it a baby shower for the mothers such a big deal, I have seen it done for real honest to goodness honest women.
If I called it a mommy shower I would have had the same reaction only faster.
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Xantippe
Guest
You know at least a couple people have probably been working on baby blankets/handmade sweaters/etc., for the last couple months…
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57classic
Guest
I will graciously accept any donation as I stated pages ago. I am the one who has to take the donations to the home and face the director with a box of things that are not what she asked for. I guess I’ll shrug and say they were already made. I’m sure she will graciously accept them. I don’t want to have to face the mothers who were hoping somebody cared enough about their feelings to help them out with gift cards so they can buy their own clothes and maybe have one night out. I don’t think its too much to ask of people and I have put my money where my mouth is.
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Xantippe
Guest
If the director knew that the mothers were in dire need of various items, than the director should have communicated that to donors MONTHS ago.
Donors need time to be able to switch gears and they need to be sold on new ideas.
I think it would probably be a good idea to mention that to the director–that if you’re going to be doing something new, you need advance notice for it to happen.
For instance, it might have been nice for the director (or an employee/volunteer/or alumna of the maternity home) to come speak to the group and make an appeal personally. Or to have a page up on their website explaining the mothers’ needs in detail.
Running a non-profit is not an excuse to be unprofessional.
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bitterhope
Guest
I’ve had a couple family members that were residents at different maternity homes and I volunteered for years at a few as well. One of the reasons diapers aren’t needed is that there are tremendous donations of diapers and very few babies actually live in the homes. Most homes have a maximum of 4 months stay post birth and the space is highly limited. One home I volunteered at had 3 mother/baby rooms so most mothers could not stay after birth. Many babies are placed for adoption. The majority of Moms do keep their babies but return to family or receive government housing before it soon after birth. Others stay for a few weeks before returning to foster care or other group home arrangements. There really isn’t as huge a need for baby items including diapers, bottles, formula, breastpumps, clothing, toys, etc because those items tend to be donated in such huge amounts they are often redonated to other charities. There just isn’t room for so much baby stuff, especially if the same exact items over and over again. Several moms that were not going to parent their children felt extreme hurt over the abundance of items for babies coming in. Very few donations for maternity clothes come in but that is needed by everyone for a while after birth as well regardless of whether they keep or place their babies. Very few donations for shampoo and soap, laundry detergent, etc comes in and the moms buy those with the small amount of money they have on weekly or bi monthly trips to the store. Many moms have no source of money. They have no family around and receive no state money until after birth and it takes time to get it even then. Those moms would do extra chores to earn trips to the supplies closet that held the few donations of those things that came in. Some moms get desperate and steal soap or shampoo or clothes (TOOTHBRUSHES!!!) from roommates or girls in other rooms. There is a huge need for those items in maternity homes.
As for the “luxury items”-- as married moms we have many other types of recreation and relaxation and days out than these moms have access to. A meal out or a movie or whatever is not something extravagent and can very well save a baby from shaken baby syndrome. As married women with our own homes or apartments we have spouses to watch our children as we go to the library or even shop with out our children. We have a spouse to tslk to at night and to help us out when we are stressed. Many of these moms don’t have anyone. That’s a big part of why they are at a home instead of with family or friends. To have that meal out instead of cooking or watching a movie instead of sitting alone makes a huge difference in their lives. Imagine the hurt the moms that do place their babies for adoption experience. A meal or a movie would be a much needed distraction for a little while. Clothing isn’t something optional. People get arrested for walking around naked so I’m hoping no one really thinks stretchy pants or tops are luxury items.
I understand that many people don’t realize that maternity homes don’t necessarily house babies of various ages year round and don’t realize the moms have unmet needs of their own while there. I guess I just agree with the director that those items requested fill the needs of the home more fully. The moms do matter just as much as the babies and many moms don’t go on to parent their babies. The babies adopted don’t bring those donated items with them to their permanent homes. Adoptive parents tend to like to shop for their baby themselves. Some moms that keep their babies return to foster care and don’t have the option of carrying around many items from home to home with them. Some moms move back in with parents/grandparents/family that go on to support mom and baby. Donations get redonated quite often.
As for the “luxury items”-- as married moms we have many other types of recreation and relaxation and days out than these moms have access to. A meal out or a movie or whatever is not something extravagent and can very well save a baby from shaken baby syndrome. As married women with our own homes or apartments we have spouses to watch our children as we go to the library or even shop with out our children. We have a spouse to tslk to at night and to help us out when we are stressed. Many of these moms don’t have anyone. That’s a big part of why they are at a home instead of with family or friends. To have that meal out instead of cooking or watching a movie instead of sitting alone makes a huge difference in their lives. Imagine the hurt the moms that do place their babies for adoption experience. A meal or a movie would be a much needed distraction for a little while. Clothing isn’t something optional. People get arrested for walking around naked so I’m hoping no one really thinks stretchy pants or tops are luxury items.
I understand that many people don’t realize that maternity homes don’t necessarily house babies of various ages year round and don’t realize the moms have unmet needs of their own while there. I guess I just agree with the director that those items requested fill the needs of the home more fully. The moms do matter just as much as the babies and many moms don’t go on to parent their babies. The babies adopted don’t bring those donated items with them to their permanent homes. Adoptive parents tend to like to shop for their baby themselves. Some moms that keep their babies return to foster care and don’t have the option of carrying around many items from home to home with them. Some moms move back in with parents/grandparents/family that go on to support mom and baby. Donations get redonated quite often.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
It seems your view of others who give seems to be uncharitable. It’s kind of off putting. Perhaps that can affect future acts of charity. Because it seems you are accusing others of selfishness simply because they don’t want to donate the same as you think they should. To be honest, formula and diapers goes a lot farther for a fatherless baby than does an old navy gift certificate…
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Xantippe
Guest
We did a tour of a maternity home in Pennsylvania some years ago with a pro-life group I volunteered with. They had a number of residents (but I believe they also served non-residents). They said they had relatively few adoptions, partly because the girls tended to peer pressure each other to keep their babies.
Again, I think it would do a lot of good to get a speaker to come talk to your parish and explain the maternity home’s needs and have information sheets to hand out with wish lists. Here in the US, it’s very common to have a short introduction of charitable programs after Mass and before the last hymn. But, obviously, it needs to be kept really short–I personally find my goodwill and generosity ebbing every minute over five that a speaker goes on.
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Xantippe
Guest
To be fair, formula can probably be sourced by other means.
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Xantippe
Guest
It’s also a common thing to do, I believe, to have people collect spare change for pro-life causes in old baby bottles.
Here’s an example:
hh76.org/bottles/designs.aspx
Here’s an example:
hh76.org/bottles/designs.aspx
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
True, my point is though that there are more necessary and charitable gifts than two tickets to the new Seth rogan movie…
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bitterhope
Guest
As I said, the majority of moms do keep their babies, but most maternity homes don’t have mother baby rooms to accommodate all moms. In one that I volunteered at, there were 18 pregnant moms split between 4 rooms and then there were another 4 mother baby rooms. Moms had to apply for a room before baby was born and if a room became open and mom was approved, the maximum stay was 6 months. Another was larger and served a total of 50 moms with only 7 mother baby rooms available. The rest were shared rooms. Babies are not allowed in shared rooms. The home my sister stayed at was run by nuns. There were 150 moms served with no mother baby rooms available. Most have a limit of 4 sometimes 6 months post partum stay if a room is available. Many homes do have day students that attend school during pregnancy and for a while after birth but none I volunteered at provided child care for those students. There are never very many babies staying at a home at any one time. The days of birthing babies at the home with nurseries where the baby stays until it’s adopted and such no longer exists. I honestly never saw or heard a mom pressuring another mom into keeping their baby, but there were a large amount of moms initially placing their baby and then taking them back. Others never even considered adoption. Others knew it was not something they could handle. But all knew the ones that opted for placing their babies did so out of love and that was respected. I am positive this is not the case at every home, but I think that it is an administrative problem if this is going on and nothing is done to stop that. Bullying is bullying and should never be allowed to happen. Pressuring to keep, place or abort a baby is a form of bullying and is never acceptable. That is a private and personal decision that each mom must decide for herself and hopefully in cooperation with the dad. Many dads are in the picture and all dads must consent to an adoption.
I volunteered to teach cooking and sewing classes at the homes and at two I was a weekend “house mom” and drove the van for the girls that were going to the store. There are no maternity homes in the area we live now. The closest crisis pregnancy center is an hour away. I used to volunteer there with my kids when we were living closer. Now it’s too far. There are no abortion clinics near here either so I guess no one feels the need to have pregnancy centers of any kind.
Having the director come speak is a good idea if he or she is able to make it. Honestly I don’t think it would have much impact but at least the poster would have someone else stating what items are needed instead of just herself stating them. People always want to give to the baby and not the “sinner moms” it seems. But a lot of those moms are not very old themselves, many times very young teens, and a good chunk are the product of the foster care/group home system themselves. Just something to think about
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Xantippe
Guest
The house we visited was a big old Victorian with a lot of tiny bedrooms–I think it was all either doubles or singles.
I believe they also provided childcare to a larger number of women (as well as to residents), as a a big part of the mission was getting mothers successfully through school.
The peer pressure thing is kind of unavoidable. If 9 girls are excited about their babies and want to keep them and the 10th is ambivalent, there is a sort of automatic peer pressure, even if nobody says anything specifically.
That’s very nice about the cooking and sewing classes.
The more people that say something, the more believable it is, especially if it’s new information to a group, and especially when it’s coming straight from the horse’s mouth.
For the OP, here’s a description of what sounds like non-residential services at a maternity home:
“Can you handle going to school and taking care of your child? Yes. Mom’s House® has been helping single parents do both for 20 years.
You didn’t do well in school? We can tutor you in your rough subjects.
You’re over 18 but didn’t finish high school? We’ll help you get your equivalency diploma.
You want to go to college? We can get you into college-preparatory or college-level classes.
You’re in college but need financial aid? We offer scholarships.
You’re frustrated being a parent? We’ll show you ways to raise your child.
You need legal support? We can see that you receive your rights.
You’re having other problems? We provide one-on-one counseling.”
That particular organization has half a dozen locations.
momshouse.org/wellhelp.html
OP, I would encourage you to think harder about your role in educating your parish (and the specific group) about the maternity home that they want to help: what is its philosophy, what services does it provide, what exactly is involved in getting young and/or vulnerable mothers on their feet, etc.
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57classic
Guest
It is not just what I think they should donate, I want to provide what the home really needs which in the director’s words is care for the mothers who will need stretch pants and larger shoes and underwear long before the baby is born. Other donors have seen to the babies’ needs in abundance. This time, this year, for this set of donors it’s not about the babies. Maybe next month for a different parish that does something similar, the focus will be on the babies or maybe on the home building itself. I don’t know. I haven’t dug into the way the home is run…it’s just not my business, I want to provide what is most needed at this time. I really don’t understand what is so difficult about that. How much more offputting would it be to donors to discover the handmade baby blankets and sweaters are redonated along with the receiving blankets and diapers by the case?
You are judging my intentions based on my ability or inability to convince you with the written word. I saw the faces of those who had no pity for the mothers who will have their babies instead of aborting them.
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