Uncharitable response to request for help

[bitterhope]

The house we visited was a big old Victorian with a lot of tiny bedrooms–I think it was all either doubles or singles.

I believe they also provided childcare to a larger number of women (as well as to residents), as a a big part of the mission was getting mothers successfully through school.

The peer pressure thing is kind of unavoidable. If 9 girls are excited about their babies and want to keep them and the 10th is ambivalent, there is a sort of automatic peer pressure, even if nobody says anything specifically.

That’s very nice about the cooking and sewing classes.

The more people that say something, the more believable it is, especially if it’s new information to a group, and especially when it’s coming straight from the horse’s mouth.

For the OP, here’s a description of what sounds like non-residential services at a maternity home:

“Can you handle going to school and taking care of your child? Yes. Mom’s House® has been helping single parents do both for 20 years.
You didn’t do well in school? We can tutor you in your rough subjects.
You’re over 18 but didn’t finish high school? We’ll help you get your equivalency diploma.
You want to go to college? We can get you into college-preparatory or college-level classes.
You’re in college but need financial aid? We offer scholarships.
You’re frustrated being a parent? We’ll show you ways to raise your child.
You need legal support? We can see that you receive your rights.
You’re having other problems? We provide one-on-one counseling.”

That particular organization has half a dozen locations.

momshouse.org/wellhelp.html

OP, I would encourage you to think harder about your role in educating your parish (and the specific group) about the maternity home that they want to help: what is its philosophy, what services does it provide, what exactly is involved in getting young and/or vulnerable mothers on their feet, etc.

I had never heard of mom house before. It looks like a very good organization but it is not set up for the group of girls served at the maternity homes I was speaking of. By looking at their website, one reason there may be very few adoptions is because it appears their mission is to help moms parent and successful get through school as single moms. If I were looking at their website and considering adoption, I would not opt to go to a program with that mission in mind. Mom House seems like a good second step for many of the girls that keep their babies at the homes I volunteered at, and there are programs similar that we referred people to. We didn’t call those programs maternity homes though. We called them single parent programs. They were a tremendous help and second step for successful single parenting. I find it neat that they have a section for grandparents on their website. Hopefully the grandparents do support their daughter and grand children. Most of the girls served by the homes I was referring to have no family for support. Thank you for introducing me to their organization. I will look into it further soon.

 

[Xantippe]

It is not just what I think they should donate, I want to provide what the home really needs which in the director’s words is care for the mothers who will need stretch pants and larger shoes and underwear long before the baby is born. Other donors have seen to the babies’ needs in abundance. This time, this year, for this set of donors it’s not about the babies. Maybe next month for a different parish that does something similar, the focus will be on the babies or maybe on the home building itself. I don’t know. I haven’t dug into the way the home is run…it’s just not my business, I want to provide what is most needed at this time. I really don’t understand what is so difficult about that. How much more offputting would it be to donors to discover the handmade baby blankets and sweaters are redonated along with the receiving blankets and diapers by the case?

You are judging my intentions based on my ability or inability to convince you with the written word. I saw the faces of those who had no pity for the mothers who will have their babies instead of aborting them.

First of all, you are assuming that you can read the minds of people just based on facial expression. What if the expression actually meant, “Oh, crud, and I’ve been working on this baby blanket for the past three months. Why didn’t anybody tell me earlier?” or “Oh crud, they’ve probably been tossing out my donations for years” or “These people seem really disorganized. Maybe I should donate to Caritas instead?” Don’t assume that you can read people’s minds and don’t assume the worst of people.

Secondly, yeah, it totally is your responsibility to familiarize yourself with the workings of any organization that you are asking other people to donate generously to. There are a lot of other organizations that people can give to. What is so special about this one and why should people give to it?

 

[57classic]

First of all, you are assuming that you can read the minds of people just based on facial expression. What if the expression actually meant, “Oh, crud, and I’ve been working on this baby blanket for the past three months. Why didn’t anybody tell me earlier?” or “Oh crud, they’ve probably been tossing out my donations for years” or “These people seem really disorganized. Maybe I should donate to Caritas instead?” Don’t assume that you can read people’s minds and don’t assume the worst of people.

Secondly, yeah, it totally is your responsibility to familiarize yourself with the workings of any organization that you are asking other people to donate generously to. There are a lot of other organizations that people can give to. What is so special about this one and why should people give to it?

The exact words were “Well, I’ll give to the babies but I just don’t believe I’ll give to the mothers.” I was not just reading minds.

I just took over president of this organization which has been giving to this charity for years in the same manner every year. I was told by the prior president to just call a few weeks ahead of time and see if there is a particular need, diapers, blankets etc. that we could focus on. I was completely surprised when the focus changed from the baby to the mom. But I see the sense of giving what is needed and what will actually be used right away over giving what is just being stored with a closet full of the same. I wasn’t asked for cards to upscale clothing stores, just somewhere they could get stretch pants and deodorant. I wasn’t asked for cards to expensive restaurants, just dinner and a movie. Their website lists suggested places as Subway, Wendy’s, McDonalds, Burger King, etc. The thought was if several donors wanted to give a little cash, that could be combined and given in a prepaid credit card to be used for dinner and a movie. And that is how I worded the notice in the bulletin: a card shower for the needs of the moms to celebrate their choice of life instead of the other choice readily available to them.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

This topic seems to be a microcosm of the whole “liberal vs. conservative” debate regarding social justice issues. I won’t delve into that, but OP, I am curious, what exactly do you want from us? Advice on how to convince these “uncharitable women” to provide the goods you want to provide this charity? Or just advice on how to handle your angry feelings about how uncharitable and mean they are? Yet, you yourself admit you were surprised to find out the focus had changed. I also wonder, are you afraid the director of this place will blame you, be disappointed in you? And think you’re personally “uncharitable” too, if you don’t deliver exactly what she asked for?

In general, just because an organization is a nonprofit charity, does not mean that whatever they claim about their needs should be taken at 100% face value. I used to donate to Wounded Warriors Project. When I found out how poorly run that charity was, I stopped. I did not wish to fund their high CEO salaries, “team building” junkets, and fundraising ads with my money. (I know they fired the CEO who was in charge when this happened, but there are still many other charities that serve the same cause and get a better rating from Charity Navigator.) Does that mean I am “uncharitable” when it comes to the needs of wounded veterans?

I know this can be debated, but being “charitable” does not mean giving people hard-earned money willy-nilly with no discernment.

 

[57classic]

This topic seems to be a microcosm of the whole “liberal vs. conservative” debate regarding social justice issues. I won’t delve into that, but OP, I am curious, what exactly do you want from us? Advice on how to convince these “uncharitable women” to provide the goods you want to provide this charity? Or just advice on how to handle your angry feelings about how uncharitable and mean they are? Yet, you yourself admit you were surprised to find out the focus had changed. I also wonder, are you afraid the director of this place will blame you, be disappointed in you? And think you’re personally “uncharitable” too, if you don’t deliver exactly what she asked for?

In general, just because an organization is a nonprofit charity, does not mean that whatever they claim about their needs should be taken at 100% face value. I used to donate to Wounded Warriors Project. When I found out how poorly run that charity was, I stopped. I did not wish to fund their high CEO salaries, “team building” junkets, and fundraising ads with my money. (I know they fired the CEO who was in charge when this happened, but there are still many other charities that serve the same cause and get a better rating from Charity Navigator.) Does that mean I am “uncharitable” when it comes to the needs of wounded veterans?

I know this can be debated, but being “charitable” does not mean giving people hard-earned money willy-nilly with no discernment.

This is what I said in my original post: “There is a need and we should be helping to fill it out of love for these women who are in a difficult situation. I know they got there by choice, or maybe not, but I don’t think they should be punished, they will have enough suffering in the coming months and years.
How can I express these thoughts in the parish bulletin in a loving manner that wouldn’t be taken as insulting or better-than-thou?”

That’s all I want, a way to explain that the moms have needs too.

 

[esieffe]

You could talk about the humility of Our Lady, and come up with an example that reflects this situation.

 

[gardenswithkids]

There is nothing superior to it. I spoke to the director, the person who knows the needs of the home (utilities, maintenance, etc. she knows the needs of the residents and their personal situations, she knows what supplies are on hand for the current group of residents and their babies. She also knows how much space is available to store baby items that are not needed and won’t be for who knows how long. She asked for a card shower for the residents. I am trying to fulfill the wishes of the person who knows better than anyone else what is needed at the home. I apparently worded the initial bulletin item badly calling it a baby shower which in the past is what it has been. With the small amount of time I had to compose the item, and the fact that that is what we have always done at this time of year, I didn’t think calling it a baby shower for the mothers such a big deal, I have seen it done for real honest to goodness honest women.
If I called it a mommy shower I would have had the same reaction only faster.

First off, thank you for stepping up to organize a drive to collect items to support a pro-life organization! It is admirable that you volunteered to lead this effort. Thank you.

Leadership and communication are skills. From reading your posts on this thread, I don’t think you quite understand why you got the response you got. It was a* response*. This could turn out to be a terrific learning experience for you. It could serve you well to evaluate what happened here and remember for the rest of your volunteer-hood how to try to prevent it from happening again.

Remember you were asking help from human beings. Humans are flawed. I’m flawed, you’re flawed, the donors and recipients of these gifts are all flawed, everyone reading this is flawed. Don’t expect perfection. Everyone’s got issues. Don’t assume the worst of the potential donors whom you were asking to help you help with this charity. They acted like people. Treat them with respect–and learn how to manage and communicate better with people.

Yes, gift cards and cash are far easier to handle than lots of baby items, so I can certainly see why the group home would like, especially since they already have an abundance of baby items. But because cash and gift cards are easier to handle, *cash and gifts cards far more subject to getting lost, misused–and even embezzled or stolen. *(Sadly, embezzlement from employees and volunteers sometimes happens to charities and churches. I know parishes where this happened.) Collecting and handling cash and gift cards is very different from collecting baby items that cannot be quickly liquidated. You volunteered for one event, (the baby shower) but you lead a different event altogether, (fund raising of cash and gift cards).

You have been very kind in assuming the best of the people at this group home. *Please also extend similar kindness to the people of your parish. * I suggest you apologize to the people whom you think responded uncharitably for how you handled this whole situation. Learn from this experience. Next time you lead an event, if someone wants you to fundamentally turn it into something else at the last minute, you need to carefully think about how to handle that request. Obviously you now realize that a hastily worded note in the bulletin wasn’t the best way to accomplish what you’d hoped to accomplish. Live and learn.

Again, thank you for offering to lead a pro-life event. :tiphat:

 

[57classic]

First off, thank you for stepping up to organize a drive to collect items to support a pro-life organization! It is admirable that you volunteered to lead this effort. Thank you.

Leadership and communication are skills. From reading your posts on this thread, I don’t think you quite understand why you got the response you got. It was a* response*. This could turn out to be a terrific learning experience for you. It could serve you well to evaluate what happened here and remember for the rest of your volunteer-hood how to try to prevent it from happening again.

Remember you were asking help from human beings. Humans are flawed. I’m flawed, you’re flawed, the donors and recipients of these gifts are all flawed, everyone reading this is flawed. Don’t expect perfection. Everyone’s got issues. Don’t assume the worst of the potential donors whom you were asking to help you help with this charity. They acted like people. Treat them with respect–and learn how to manage and communicate better with people.

Yes, gift cards and cash are far easier to handle than lots of baby items, so I can certainly see why the group home would like, especially since they already have an abundance of baby items. But because cash and gift cards are easier to handle, *cash and gifts cards far more subject to getting lost, misused–and even embezzled or stolen. *(Sadly, embezzlement from employees and volunteers sometimes happens to charities and churches. I know parishes where this happened.) Collecting and handling cash and gift cards is very different from collecting baby items that cannot be quickly liquidated. You volunteered for one event, (the baby shower) but you lead a different event altogether, (fund raising of cash and gift cards).

You have been very kind in assuming the best of the people at this group home. *Please also extend similar kindness to the people of your parish. * I suggest you apologize to the people whom you think responded uncharitably for how you handled this whole situation. Learn from this experience. Next time you lead an event, if someone wants you to fundamentally turn it into something else at the last minute, you need to carefully think about how to handle that request. Obviously you now realize that a hastily worded note in the bulletin wasn’t the best way to accomplish what you’d hoped to accomplish. Live and learn.

Again, thank you for offering to lead a pro-life event. :tiphat:

Fortunately, actually by the grace of God, I wasn’t given an opportunity to be unkind to the ladies with whom I had this conversation. The priest sat down with us and the entire conversation changed.

I didn’t come here to rant and if I have offended anyone on this site I apologize for being unable to properly express my desire to help the mothers instead of the babies this time.

I still have one weekend bulletin left before the event and I appreciate any suggestions as to how to word the notice that shifts the focus without coming off preachy. I really like the suggestions I have gotten so far and am incorporating them into the new notice. I have changed the wording from “baby shower” to “card shower” and am pondering further changes.

 

[Xantippe]

The exact words were “Well, I’ll give to the babies but I just don’t believe I’ll give to the mothers.” I was not just reading minds.

I just took over president of this organization which has been giving to this charity for years in the same manner every year. I was told by the prior president to just call a few weeks ahead of time and see if there is a particular need, diapers, blankets etc. that we could focus on. I was completely surprised when the focus changed from the baby to the mom. But I see the sense of giving what is needed and what will actually be used right away over giving what is just being stored with a closet full of the same. I wasn’t asked for cards to upscale clothing stores, just somewhere they could get stretch pants and deodorant. I wasn’t asked for cards to expensive restaurants, just dinner and a movie. Their website lists suggested places as Subway, Wendy’s, McDonalds, Burger King, etc. The thought was if several donors wanted to give a little cash, that could be combined and given in a prepaid credit card to be used for dinner and a movie. And that is how I worded the notice in the bulletin: a card shower for the needs of the moms to celebrate their choice of life instead of the other choice readily available to them./QUOTE]

Well, you’re assuming that you know what everybody was thinking based on what a couple people actually said. That’s not fair, I think.

I think your wording was poor and that you would have gotten a better response if you’d focused on the NEEDS of the mothers (which might have involved those gift cards) rather than on providing some sort of no-abortion prize. (Which is how it sounds the way you put it.)

A lot of people are going to be thinking–I didn’t have an abortion either, and nobody sent ME out to dinner and a movie to celebrate.

Also, don’t forget that a lot of older people are very frugal/cheap and living on a very small income.

Think harder about the likely response to what you say and write next time. There are a lot of different ways to express the same needs and get a better response.

 

[Xantippe]

Fortunately, actually by the grace of God, I wasn’t given an opportunity to be unkind to the ladies with whom I had this conversation. The priest sat down with us and the entire conversation changed.

I didn’t come here to rant and if I have offended anyone on this site I apologize for being unable to properly express my desire to help the mothers instead of the babies this time.

I still have one weekend bulletin left before the event and I appreciate any suggestions as to how to word the notice that shifts the focus without coming off preachy. I really like the suggestions I have gotten so far and am incorporating them into the new notice.** I have changed the wording from “baby shower” to “card shower” and am pondering further changes.**

Very good.

 

[57classic]

Well, you’re assuming that you know what everybody was thinking based on what a couple people actually said. That’s not fair, I think.

I think your wording was poor and that you would have gotten a better response if you’d focused on the NEEDS of the mothers (which might have involved those gift cards) rather than on providing some sort of no-abortion prize. (Which is how it sounds the way you put it.)

A lot of people are going to be thinking–I didn’t have an abortion either, and nobody sent ME out to dinner and a movie to celebrate.

Also, don’t forget that a lot of older people are very frugal/cheap and living on a very small income.

Think harder about the likely response to what you say and write next time. There are a lot of different ways to express the same needs and get a better response.

I accept that my wording was poor, I have admitted that and asked for help.

A lot of people who announce they are having a baby get excited responses from the father, from their families and friends. They also get Mother’s Day cards for years to come. They have a home to live in and raise their children in together with the father of those children. That is not the case for these moms.
A lot of older people don’t have to donate. They could come to the shower and have a cupcake, smile and be happy that babies are being born, not aborted. Maybe they could write a note expressing their gratitude for that to the moms.

I am working on my organizational skills, obviously I have caused more trouble than I dreamed with my procrastination.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I think your wording was poor and that you would have gotten a better response if you’d focused on the NEEDS of the mothers (which might have involved those gift cards) rather than on providing some sort of no-abortion prize. (Which is how it sounds the way you put it.)

A lot of people are going to be thinking–I didn’t have an abortion either, and nobody sent ME out to dinner and a movie to celebrate.

Also, don’t forget that a lot of older people are very frugal/cheap and living on a very small income.

Think harder about the likely response to what you say and write next time. There are a lot of different ways to express the same needs and get a better response.

I totally agree, Xantippe. While I certainly don’t support abortion, it seems to me, that when some pro-lifers go over the top praising women for NOT having abortions, as if not having an abortion is a sign of heroic, saintly virtue that should be praised to the heavens, they are actually buying into the pro-choice rhetoric that abortion is the most reasonable, pragmatic option that most young single mothers would embrace as a matter of course, unless they are being swayed by some irrational, extreme religious belief.

Yet, no one would say “if a young single woman gives birth to a baby at home, and goes to the hospital for care, we should praise her to the heavens for NOT throwing the baby in the trash or out the window”.

OP, I think that anyone fundraising for a charity won’t go far with an entitlement mentality of “we are entitled to this donation, if you don’t give it to us, then you’re being a mean, uncharitable person”. And that’s the attitude I’m getting from many of your posts.

Yet, I suspect not even the Warren Buffets of the world could afford to donate to every single worthwhile charity in the world (and this is not even mentioning the many “charities” that are outright scams, mere tax shelters, or are just really inefficient, even if the people running them have good intentions).

As Xantippe notes, many older women are on a limited income themselves, and really have to carefully discern who to donate money and goods to. Also, many people from older generations, find cash and gift cards to be too cold and impersonal, even for gifting to acquaintances.

Many people (including me) find requests from charities for handmade, or at least hand-chosen items, to be very appealing, because they give them a chance to do what a mere government program can’t; provide a personal touch to their charitable giving. I once happily knitted up some very basic baby hats requested by a Catholic hospital, and when I went to drop them off, I saw some really beautiful caps and blankets knitted and crocheted by other volunteers much more skilled than me. The hospital served many low-income, disadvantaged people, and I’m sure many of the babies were born “out of wedlock”.

I also think that, even if the director of this mothers’ home is focusing on the gift cards, it’s not as if she’s refusing gifts of actual clothes, underwear, etc, for the mothers. Maybe it’s better to focus on the more personal, practical gifts, rather than focusing on the gift cards and getting a colder response.

 

[Xantippe]

I accept that my wording was poor, I have admitted that and asked for help.

A lot of people who announce they are having a baby get excited responses from the father, from their families and friends. They also get Mother’s Day cards for years to come. They have a home to live in and raise their children in together with the father of those children. That is not the case for these moms.
A lot of older people don’t have to donate. They could come to the shower and have a cupcake, smile and be happy that babies are being born, not aborted. Maybe they could write a note expressing their gratitude for that to the moms.

I am working on my organizational skills, obviously I have caused more trouble than I dreamed with my procrastination.

I think the part I bolded sounds good and you should consider putting it in your pitch if you have room.

About the shower–I don’t know how it is in your area, but in the US, shower etiquette is that you have to bring a gift, because that’s what a shower is. I wouldn’t dream of coming to a shower with empty hands.

 

[Eliza10]

I wonder if the woman who scrunched up their faces felt what I felt when I asked a friend what her daughter might want for her wedding. I have known her daughter since she was a child and I know she loves pretty things and has a romantic heart and I have a good idea about what she likes, but I was very curious to see what she would choose for herself in a registry. And with plenty of advance notice maybe I would be able to find things that go with the things she likes - like the perfect tablecloth for her china, or, a little furniture piece I fixed up myself to go with their style and color. Some kind of personal touch. Was I disappointed when she said they really need cash for a car… Ug - a car is something I personally do not invest in, becaseu I know the depreciation. I buy practical not pretty in a car, and make it last. And wedding gift, IMO, should be something they always enjoy, and hopefully sentimentally they will remember this is something they got on their wedding day for years to come - especially if you choose carefully for that bride. Which is why crystal and silver were once always popular gifts - because you always have it. I really like the challenge of finding something that just might fit that bill… Cash is always useful, and for those who do NOT like to shop, choose, think and ponder, or feel they are bad at that, or do not want to offer their time to the task of shopping. So cash is always welcome! But to put out that you want cash-only takes away from the joy of giving, from those who like* that* aspect of it, who feel they are giving of themselves that way more than with money. Its a big disappointment.

Maybe in the same way these women enjoy the shower for the reason that they make useful use of their excellent shopping experience. Perhaps one feels particularly good at finding fantastic bargains - and here is a chance to use that gift for good. It makes her feel useful. Another likes to find the very thing that, if they were a Mom, they would love to have for their little one - and choosing it gives their heart happiness that this Mom will feel as they did, gazing at their little one.

Instead, they hear: your gifts, your talents, your loving intentions - those aren’t need here. Cash only, please. Which is basically all a gift card is. A trip to Supermarket’ gift card end-cap. And its really inefficient to send all the ladies on the same errand that takes no talent anyway. Just collect their money and send one person to pick a passel of gift cards.

So, those who wanted to use their gifts and talents and love to participate in a shower *really *aren’t needed. Only their cash. That’s the reason for the disappointed faces.

It seems you are better off having a fund-raiser for the cash, and having a shower for those who love gift-giving. Because while gift-giving may not seem very important to everyone, it really is a gift of value they are giving - themselves. And their gift or talent they have just been told is not needed.

I am explaining this as thoroughly as I can so you do not make the mistake of mis-judging those squinching faces as being those of selfish and uncaring people. That would not be fair, right or just of you, and in fact would be a sad sin that hurts *you, *to misjudge like that. Disappointment is a natural human emotion, and its disappointing to hear that something you value about yourself is of no value, especially to those you thought it DID matter to.

Facing the need you have, it would have been better to get these people involved in the decision, rather than dictate to them that you decide that all you want from them is their money. Like, asking them how they think the need of these Moms should be met. If you let them brainstorm on it, they might even even come up with more ideas - fundraisers, etc., that they would be willing to act on, since they had the idea, that in the end, would meet the need in a way that exceeded your expectation.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

ICash is always useful, and for those who do NOT like to shop, choose, think and ponder, or feel they are bad at that, or do not want to offer their time to the task of shopping. So cash is always welcome! But to put out that you want cash-only takes away from the joy of giving, from those who like* that* aspect of it, who feel they are giving of themselves that way more than with money. Its a big disappointment.

Maybe in the same way these women enjoy the shower for the reason that they make useful use of their excellent shopping experience. Perhaps one feels particularly good at finding fantastic bargains - and here is a chance to use that gift for good. It makes her feel useful. Another likes to find the very thing that, if they were a Mom, they would love to have for their little one - and choosing it gives their heart happiness that this Mom will feel as they did, gazing at their little one.

Instead, they hear: your gifts, your talents, your loving intentions - those aren’t need here. Cash only, please. Which is basically all a gift card is. A trip to Supermarket’ gift card end-cap. And its really inefficient to send all the ladies on the same errand that takes no talent anyway. Just collect their money and send one person to pick a passel of gift cards.

So, those who wanted to use their gifts and talents and love to participate in a shower *really *aren’t needed. Only their cash. That’s the reason for the disappointed faces.

Eliza10, you stated everything I wanted to say, but much better. Here’s another example, What really is the point of walk-a-thons, dance-a-thons, etc., in which people collect pledges from sponsors to donate, say, 50 cents per mile walked, or a dollar per song danced to, or whatever. Why not just collect the money, deliver it to the charity, and not bother with the walking or dancing. Because such events aren’t just about raising cash. Many such events serve to gather many supporters of a cause together, finding like-minded souls who are passionate about their cause, as opposed to just names on a list of benefactors.

Also, what if, say, a woman with many children, who usually gets baby showers for her pregnancy arranged by family members, decided the showers were pointless, and the family members sent out cards stating “No baby shower for this baby, mom already has everything she needs. Instead, please send her gift cards so she can afford to go out to a dinner and movie with her hubby.”

I think many who got such an “invite” would, indeed, scrunch up their faces, too. Even if the mother had committed no sexual sin.

 

[jmjZelie]

I wonder if the woman who scrunched up their faces felt what I felt when I asked a friend what her daughter might want for her wedding. I have known her daughter since she was a child and I know she loves pretty things and has a romantic heart and I have a good idea about what she likes, but I was very curious to see what she would choose for herself in a registry. And with plenty of advance notice maybe I would be able to find things that go with the things she likes - like the perfect tablecloth for her china, or, a little furniture piece I fixed up myself to go with their style and color. Some kind of personal touch. Was I disappointed when she said they really need cash for a car… Ug - a car is something I personally do not invest in, becaseu I know the depreciation. I buy practical not pretty in a car, and make it last. And wedding gift, IMO, should be something they always enjoy, and hopefully sentimentally they will remember this is something they got on their wedding day for years to come - especially if you choose carefully for that bride. Which is why crystal and silver were once always popular gifts - because you always have it. I really like the challenge of finding something that just might fit that bill… Cash is always useful, and for those who do NOT like to shop, choose, think and ponder, or feel they are bad at that, or do not want to offer their time to the task of shopping. So cash is always welcome! But to put out that you want cash-only takes away from the joy of giving, from those who like* that* aspect of it, who feel they are giving of themselves that way more than with money. Its a big disappointment.

Maybe in the same way these women enjoy the shower for the reason that they make useful use of their excellent shopping experience. Perhaps one feels particularly good at finding fantastic bargains - and here is a chance to use that gift for good. It makes her feel useful. Another likes to find the very thing that, if they were a Mom, they would love to have for their little one - and choosing it gives their heart happiness that this Mom will feel as they did, gazing at their little one.

Instead, they hear: your gifts, your talents, your loving intentions - those aren’t need here. Cash only, please. Which is basically all a gift card is. A trip to Supermarket’ gift card end-cap. And its really inefficient to send all the ladies on the same errand that takes no talent anyway. Just collect their money and send one person to pick a passel of gift cards.

So, those who wanted to use their gifts and talents and love to participate in a shower *really *aren’t needed. Only their cash. That’s the reason for the disappointed faces.

It seems you are better off having a fund-raiser for the cash, and having a shower for those who love gift-giving. Because while gift-giving may not seem very important to everyone, it really is a gift of value they are giving - themselves. And their gift or talent they have just been told is not needed.

I am explaining this as thoroughly as I can so you do not make the mistake of mis-judging those squinching faces as being those of selfish and uncaring people. That would not be fair, right or just of you, and in fact would be a sad sin that hurts *you, *to misjudge like that. Disappointment is a natural human emotion, and its disappointing to hear that something you value about yourself is of no value, especially to those you thought it DID matter to.

Facing the need you have, it would have been better to get these people involved in the decision, rather than dictate to them that you decide that all you want from them is their money. Like, asking them how they think the need of these Moms should be met. If you let them brainstorm on it, they might even even come up with more ideas - fundraisers, etc., that they would be willing to act on, since they had the idea, that in the end, would meet the need in a way that exceeded your expectation.

Yes to all of this

 

[Xantippe]

I wonder if the woman who scrunched up their faces felt what I felt when I asked a friend what her daughter might want for her wedding. I have known her daughter since she was a child and I know she loves pretty things and has a romantic heart and I have a good idea about what she likes, but I was very curious to see what she would choose for herself in a registry. And with plenty of advance notice maybe I would be able to find things that go with the things she likes - like the perfect tablecloth for her china, or, a little furniture piece I fixed up myself to go with their style and color. Some kind of personal touch. Was I disappointed when she said they really need cash for a car… Ug - a car is something I personally do not invest in, becaseu I know the depreciation. I buy practical not pretty in a car, and make it last. And wedding gift, IMO, should be something they always enjoy, and hopefully sentimentally they will remember this is something they got on their wedding day for years to come - especially if you choose carefully for that bride. Which is why crystal and silver were once always popular gifts - because you always have it. I really like the challenge of finding something that just might fit that bill… Cash is always useful, and for those who do NOT like to shop, choose, think and ponder, or feel they are bad at that, or do not want to offer their time to the task of shopping. So cash is always welcome! But to put out that you want cash-only takes away from the joy of giving, from those who like* that* aspect of it, who feel they are giving of themselves that way more than with money. Its a big disappointment.

Maybe in the same way these women enjoy the shower for the reason that they make useful use of their excellent shopping experience. Perhaps one feels particularly good at finding fantastic bargains - and here is a chance to use that gift for good. It makes her feel useful. Another likes to find the very thing that, if they were a Mom, they would love to have for their little one - and choosing it gives their heart happiness that this Mom will feel as they did, gazing at their little one.

Instead, they hear: your gifts, your talents, your loving intentions - those aren’t need here. Cash only, please. Which is basically all a gift card is. A trip to Supermarket’ gift card end-cap. And its really inefficient to send all the ladies on the same errand that takes no talent anyway. Just collect their money and send one person to pick a passel of gift cards.

So, those who wanted to use their gifts and talents and love to participate in a shower *really *aren’t needed. Only their cash. That’s the reason for the disappointed faces.

It seems you are better off having a fund-raiser for the cash, and having a shower for those who love gift-giving. Because while gift-giving may not seem very important to everyone, it really is a gift of value they are giving - themselves. And their gift or talent they have just been told is not needed.

I am explaining this as thoroughly as I can so you do not make the mistake of mis-judging those squinching faces as being those of selfish and uncaring people. That would not be fair, right or just of you, and in fact would be a sad sin that hurts *you, *to misjudge like that. Disappointment is a natural human emotion, and its disappointing to hear that something you value about yourself is of no value, especially to those you thought it DID matter to.

Facing the need you have, it would have been better to get these people involved in the decision, rather than dictate to them that you decide that all you want from them is their money. Like, asking them how they think the need of these Moms should be met. If you let them brainstorm on it, they might even even come up with more ideas - fundraisers, etc., that they would be willing to act on, since they had the idea, that in the end, would meet the need in a way that exceeded your expectation.

Yes.

Another aspect is that a lot of women LOVE baby showers, so removing the baby shower aspect from the fundraiser took out a lot of the pleasure of the event.

Obviously, the home’s actual needs need to be taken into account, but it sounds like the ladies need a stronger baby “theme,” even if that isn’t going to be the bulk of the donations

There should be some good ideas online.

 

[Xantippe]

Eliza10, you stated everything I wanted to say, but much better. Here’s another example,** What really is the point of walk-a-thons, dance-a-thons, etc., in which people collect pledges from sponsors to donate, say, 50 cents per mile walked, or a dollar per song danced to, or whatever. Why not just collect the money, deliver it to the charity, and not bother with the walking or dancing. Because such events aren’t just about raising cash. Many such events serve to gather many supporters of a cause together, finding like-minded souls who are passionate about their cause, as opposed to just names on a list of benefactors.**

Also, what if, say, a woman with many children, who usually gets baby showers for her pregnancy arranged by family members, decided the showers were pointless, and the family members sent out cards stating “No baby shower for this baby, mom already has everything she needs. Instead, please send her gift cards so she can afford to go out to a dinner and movie with her hubby.”

I think many who got such an “invite” would, indeed, scrunch up their faces, too. Even if the mother had committed no sexual sin.

Right.

And you can’t just change the dance-a-thon into a spaghetti feed at the last minute–the people who want to do a dance-a-thon don’t overlap 100% with the people who want to make and eat spaghetti.

 

[57classic]

Here are the stated goals and objectives of the Home for which we have had events for years:
Goals and Objectives

· To provide unwed mothers who are between the ages of 10 and 21 with the resources and social support to enable them to make life-affirming decisions concerning their future and that of their unborn children.

· To provide life-skills curriculum to empower the unwed mothers with the tools necessary to live independently.

· To provide counseling through Sunflower Family Services to those wanting to improve themselves and set goals for the future.

· To provide the opportunity to work or complete schooling.

· To provide a positive environment to enable unwed mothers to build self-esteem enabling them to respect themselves, their bodies and make good decisions about future relationships.

· To provide a Christian environment where prayer and regular church attendance is encouraged as God is the source of all strength and goodness.

As you can see, the goals of the Home are centered on the mothers. I stated I didn’t know the ages of the residents and I don’t know the ages of the current residents but they accept mothers ages 10-21. In this day and age, a girl sitting in a maternity home is most likely not a an unrepentant whore, certainly not a 10 year old. I can understand why the director was mindful of the loneliness of girls who feel confined by their condition and their dependence on the charity of others which is not forthcoming.

I am finished posting on this thread. Thank you to the people who gave me real, usable advice regarding the wording of the bulletin item.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

As you can see, the goals of the Home are centered on the mothers. I stated I didn’t know the ages of the residents and I don’t know the ages of the current residents but they accept mothers ages 10-21. In this day and age, a girl sitting in a maternity home is most likely not a an unrepentant whore, certainly not a 10 year old. I can understand why the director was mindful of the loneliness of girls who feel confined by their condition and their dependence on the charity of others which is not forthcoming.

Why the strawman? No one posting on this topic has even implied that an unwed mother residing at this home is or must be an “unrepentant whore”.

So, I guess you are just going to ignore all the reasonable responses here that tried to explain why you got the response you did. No, you can just look into the hearts of every woman you spoke to, and know that the only reason they were disappointed, is because they thought you were soliciting donations for “unrepentant whores”.

I do wish you luck in your quest. I assume you won’t be actually stating “I know you’re all a bunch of closed-minded, nasty biddies who think all unwed mothers are unrepentant whores – but I want you to donate these items and cards anyway.”