Unhappy Consequences of Large Families

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Kittens are furry LOVE!!!
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These are cute, raggakitten!

I bet they take the edge off depression!

I like the second guy from the right. He’s SO cute! Oh, and the little baby, second from the left.
 
I think you have unhappy consequences of disfunctional parents more than a large family.

I came from a family of two children. My sister nine years my senior died when I was 13. My mother became so absorbed in her grief I came invisable in a family with just 1 child (left). From the age of 13 until I moved out after graduateing my parents provided for me physically and materially but emotionally, spiritually and in every other way I was on my own.

In fact according to my mother it was my job to take care of her. My mother seemed to find relief in screaming at me, berating and insulting me for hours on end nearly everyday. My mom used me to take out all her grief and anger and bitterness. I was no longer her child just an emotional puching bag. Infact she seemed find satisfaction when she got me to break down and cry. My parents had no clue I had develope severe panic attacks, I was getting drunk, I was depressed to the point of being suicidal, my grades were barely passing (they knew about the grades but didn’t seem to be concerned).

I married out of highschool. My husband was my rescuer, he got me away from an enviroment that was literally making me sick.

The good news is now you get to make your own choices, live your own life, take charge of your future. For a long time I had so much resentment. I wanted my relationship with my mom to be different, I felt I deserved better than the life I was dealt. I wanted that special mother/daughter friendship but I finally accepted that was not to be. I have my own daughter now. What I endured has made me strong. I hope it’s made me a better mother to my own child, I think it has.

Give yourself time to heal, and don’t give up on God. He loves you. Keep turning to Him even when you feel no consolation. He will give you the grace to move forward with your life. You are a survivor of a really nasty childhood, and unfortunately you have a lot of company. God Bless you. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Thank you to everyone for your suggestions, and for simply taking the time to respond. I do want to make very clear that I am not getting married as a way out of my family. Before I even met my fiance, I had gotten a full scholarship to a college 3 hours away from my family, and this is where I am now. I see him every 2-3 weeks, which leaves me plenty of time to be out on my own and independent, which i am now. I am completely supported by my scholarship, I’m doing very well gradewise, I have my own friends and life. I have come so far from where I was in high school, I don’t really consider myself depressed anymore, I think I have issues that I need to work on, and I am working on them.

I think one of the biggest things that I’m trying to get a handle on is that my parents (well, my mother. my dad has a little self-doubt) are 100% convinced that they did nothing wrong. Add this to the fact that they are very well known and respected in the local churches, homeschooling families, and youth sports(one of my parents biggest concerns is keeping the 4 boys in sports at all times. Supposedly it’s what boys need. I never figured out what girls need, and they don’t seem to ever think about that). Everywhere I look, I see my family, and my parents put up on pedestals. I know no family is perfect, and I prefer being around people whose families were a little off(I find that they are more sympathetic and understanding of other people. they aren’t as self-centered). I just am tired of being seen as the anomaly or stain on the face of the family’s image.I’m sorry, I’m just muddling everything up. I’m doing this wrong somehow.
 
Sing,
I am the oldest of seven, and a girl (read scullery maid) who had many chores. We went to public school, so the situations were different in some ways. As a teenager I was depressed and suicidal. I didn’t cut myself, but I remember wanting to hurt myself and used to hit myself, if you can believe it. I was socially inept, naive, insecure, full of pain and repressed anger.

I totally identify with your struggles.

A lot of people are telling you not to blame your family or parents for your problems. They are right, because you and your parents should blame your grandparents, but of course they were the way they were because of the way their parents were, and so on back generations. So it is useless to blame.

BUT you need to figure out where you are now and what went wrong. You need to focus on and figure out how your family worked and how you got messed up, so you can heal your hurts. At the same time you will want to move toward what I call “finding normal.”

I found normal and you can too. Do the work, the hard work of looking at your past to parse it out. Read and observe to find what is healthy and whole. It is out there.

Don’t make important decisions while you are still working on this, and don’t marry until you think you have enough self respect and maturity, enough wisdom and grace, to leave all that family-of-origin stuff behind and marry someone who is whole and healthy like the new you.
 
shirleytowers said:
Sing,
I am the oldest of seven, and a girl (read scullery maid) who had many chores. We went to public school, so the situations were different in some ways. As a teenager I was depressed and suicidal. I didn’t cut myself, but I remember wanting to hurt myself and used to hit myself, if you can believe it. I was socially inept, naive, insecure, full of pain and repressed anger.

I totally identify with your struggles.

A lot of people are telling you not to blame your family or parents for your problems. They are right, because you and your parents should blame your grandparents, but of course they were the way they were because of the way their parents were, and so on back generations. So it is useless to blame.

BUT you need to figure out where you are now and what went wrong. You need to focus on and figure out how your family worked and how you got messed up, so you can heal your hurts. At the same time you will want to move toward what I call “finding normal.”

I found normal and you can too. Do the work, the hard work of looking at your past to parse it out. Read and observe to find what is healthy and whole. It is out there.

Don’t make important decisions while you are still working on this, and don’t marry until you think you have enough self respect and maturity, enough wisdom and grace, to leave all that family-of-origin stuff behind and marry someone who is whole and healthy like the new you.
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What insight and compassion–great post!!
 
Sing, I think a lot of what you’re unhappy with has little or nothing to do with being raised in a large family. If your parents truly gave you too little attention or gave you too many chores or charge of younger siblings, they may have done that if they’d only had two or three children. There are parents with one child who put that child in daycare for 12 hours a day, and pick him up just on time to put him to bed for the night. If your parents are too focused on sports for the boys and neglect the girls, that could have happened if it had been only you and one brother.

I have 9 children, and I will be the first to tell you that my life would be EASIER and quieter, lol, with fewer children. That does not mean my life would be better. Each of them enriches our lives greatly. I hope you can look at your siblings individually and see how each of them adds something to your life and your family. I hope you can remember that depression colors everything.

Best of luck to you!
 
Sing,
Here’s a rosary cd that I think would lift your spirits and it’s free!! It’s Fr. Groeschel’s The Rosary is a Place (and others as well!)
saintphilomena.com/Howreq.htm

You might also check out saintphilomena.com and read about her and her intersession (click on Who is St Philomena)

God bless,
Jennifer
 
sing said:
I think one of the biggest things that I’m trying to get a handle on is that my parents (well, my mother. my dad has a little self-doubt) are 100% convinced that they did nothing wrong. Add this to the fact that they are very well known and respected in the local churches, homeschooling families, and youth sports(one of my parents biggest concerns is keeping the 4 boys in sports at all times. Supposedly it’s what boys need. I never figured out what girls need, and they don’t seem to ever think about that). Everywhere I look, I see my family, and my parents put up on pedestals. I know no family is perfect, and I prefer being around people whose families were a little off(I find that they are more sympathetic and understanding of other people. they aren’t as self-centered). I just am tired of being seen as the anomaly or stain on the face of the family’s image.I’m sorry, I’m just muddling everything up. I’m doing this wrong somehow.
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OK, whatever your parents did or didn’t do can’t be helped any more; not just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. It’s done. Over.

You are not going to convince them they did anything wrong. You can scream at them, yell at them, have more evidence than a prosecuting attorney. It isn’t going to do any good. It is not that you are horrible. It is not that they are perfect. They have just convinced themselves, obviously, that they have done nothing wrong. Why waste your time, when you could be doing so many more constructive things, and feel better about yourself in the process?

You are 19. Good news: You are the boss of your life at this point. It’s going to take time, and lots of it, but if you read what people are telling you, the power is now in your hands. You get to call the shots. It will take practice, but you can do it.

It’s a good thing you went hours away from home to go to college. I am glad to hear the whole thing is financially covered. You might want to look at what is happening on weekends and during the summer in the town of your college; maybe get a job on the weekends and during the summer. I say this because maybe it would be good for you not to go home too often. It will help fade a lot of this “pillar of the community” images you are getting of your family. It will also help you to realize that just because you do it differently does not make it wrong. You are under no obligation to return home every summer and help with the kids.

In due time, you might find that these pedestal parents of yours were not always so respected by others as you think. But by then, you’ll be able to give them and yourself some slack.

There is a lot of good advice here. I’m all for exploring your options, and taking your time to marry.

In my opnion, and I am only a late-middle-aged lady, but still the eldest of seven (not quite in your ballpark), you are doing a great job at becoming the You that you are. I did my share of junior parenting, and at an early age, too, with parents who expected nothing less than perfection in me, and were sadly disappointed.

You might want to do some study and find out for yourself what the Church has to say on some matters. My mother was always very good at making pronouncements no Pope had ever made, and my father was adroit at labeling everything in sight a mortal sin. The real Catholic Church and the Catholic Church of Anne and Joe Parents are not always the same.
 
Sing,

Coming from a big family, in itself, is not a problem, but coming from a big dysfunctional family where as a child you were “parentized” or turned into a child-parent to your siblings, can certainly be a problem.

Family size can worsen the effects of a dysfunctional family. THere are lots of happy and large families. I have heard some horror stories, too. It depends on the parents.

I personally find it hard to believe my parents thought they could handle having seven kids. What were they thinking? we often wonder. It was far from ideal or idyllic. But back then much less was known about psychology and families.

Sing, keep after it, don’t give up. You have a long life ahead of you. Make the most of it and don’t let the parents ruin it for you. Rise up and fly.
 
sing said:
But it seems as though other people that I’ve met who were somewhat in my position never have the feelings that I have. Maybe I’m the one with the problem, I don’t know.
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There are also people in one-or two child households who also feel neglected. I’m not sure lack of individual attention is only a product of family size.

That said, I know someone who is the oldest of 11 siblings, and she was also in your position of being a second mom to many of her younger brothers and sisters. This meant that some of them had the same “issues” with her that many people have with their parents. So, your situation and feelings of exhaustion are not altogether unusual. They’re all a lot older now, with their own kids, and the dynamics between them change constantly. Give your whole family some time. You may find that as things calm down a little that your relationship with your parents will become more what you would like it to be. It may even be possible for you to create opportunities for you and your parents to spend some individual time together.

Since you have also been suffering from depression, it may also take some time for you to sort out your perceptions of what your life was. I do not say this as a criticism, but knowing people in my own family and having friends who suffer from depression and similar emotional disorders, I know that depression can often distort one’s perception of the quality of one’s life, especially when they go untreated for years, as it was in your case. As you and your doctors are better able to manage the symptoms of your depression, you might also find other things getting better.
 
sing said:
Thank you to everyone for your suggestions, and for simply taking the time to respond. I do want to make very clear that I am not getting married as a way out of my family. Before I even met my fiance, I had gotten a full scholarship to a college 3 hours away from my family, and this is where I am now. I see him every 2-3 weeks, which leaves me plenty of time to be out on my own and independent, which i am now. I am completely supported by my scholarship, I’m doing very well gradewise, I have my own friends and life. I have come so far from where I was in high school, I don’t really consider myself depressed anymore, I think I have issues that I need to work on, and I am working on them.

I think one of the biggest things that I’m trying to get a handle on is that my parents (well, my mother. my dad has a little self-doubt) are 100% convinced that they did nothing wrong. Add this to the fact that they are very well known and respected in the local churches, homeschooling families, and youth sports(one of my parents biggest concerns is keeping the 4 boys in sports at all times. Supposedly it’s what boys need. I never figured out what girls need, and they don’t seem to ever think about that). Everywhere I look, I see my family, and my parents put up on pedestals. I know no family is perfect, and I prefer being around people whose families were a little off(I find that they are more sympathetic and understanding of other people. they aren’t as self-centered). I just am tired of being seen as the anomaly or stain on the face of the family’s image.I’m sorry, I’m just muddling everything up. I’m doing this wrong somehow.
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The point is your parents tried and probably did nothing wrong intentionally if anything at all. Yes perhaps they could haved done things differently for you but they probably just didn’t know how and had to concentrate on taking care of all of you. In my family of only three, my parents were divorced and my dad shut us all up by buying us whatever we wanted to keep us busy and isolated form one another so we wouldn’t fight as well as having a maid to do everything for us. I only wish I could have grown up in a more family oriented life with more shareing and careing and stuff. I am not close to anyone in my family because how could I be if I wasnt close to anyone growing up. There are mental illnesses in my family and the lifestyle we had growing up certainly didn’t help in regards to that. However, the point is life goes on. Learn from it and know what you want for your own family. Even if you have just two children odds are that one is going to love you or hate you more than the other or have more resentment or anything. Perhaps you will be more understanding of this child due to your situation.
 
What do you want to do when you grow up? 😛 Ahh I’m 28 still making those plans on what to do when I grow up. Do you have any plans right now as to what to do with your college or are you still trying to figure that out? Do you do anything in particular for fun or as an intrest? It sounds to me you are like a bound of energy just wanting and waiting to burst out. I can’t help to think that you have some type of gift that some people would especially take note.

As far as the parents, I doubt they’ll admit or even really think that they did wrong, but after all the kids get old and most of their work is done, they’ll have the time to sit down and reflect on it. Right now it is as if they are still on the boat shouting full speed ahead! Hold on or get off! Right now, it’s time to get off for a bit and find your own direction. Stick with the Church it’ll keep a good guide, helping to keep you out of bad waters, but letting you explore the others.
 
shirleytowers said:
…A lot of people are telling you not to blame your family or parents for your problems. They are right, because you and your parents should blame your grandparents, but of course they were the way they were because of the way their parents were, and so on back generations.
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I agree. It goes way back to our first parents, Adam and Eve. It’s their fault. Ever since then, parents sin, and human families are imperfect.

While children would like to have perfect parents, they don’t. Few attain the spiritual perfection of Saints in this life. While some may place mothers and fathers of large family on pedestals, pedestals really should be reserved for those already canonized. The parents of a large family may gain minor celebrity status, but they are no more “open to life” than an infertile couple striving to live the Church teachings while carrying their burden of infertility.

This thread makes me a little sad to read because I’m already painfully aware of my own inadequacies as a mother. Yes, I have faults, but they’re not because I have “too many children” They’re because of me, my thoughts, my words, what* I* have done and what I failed to do. Don’t blame my children for my faults. Children may see and expose their parents’ sinful nature, but they aren’t the reason for it.

Also, some of those “sins” may be simply a matter of the child’s perspective. Many of our protestant brothers and sisters claim our blessed mother Mary, had faults. That just goes to show that no matter how perfect a mother is, some children will find faults. And I blame Adam and Eve for that too. 😛
 
Sing,

You’ve received a lot of good counsel. Your parents are who they choose to be or remain, and as stated by others, you cannot force them to look at the problem, or admit guilt to any degree. They are imperfect as you are imperfect.

I think it will be most helpful to you to spend some quiet time exploring why you reached out on the forum to discuss something so personal as the pain you feel. From your most recent reply at this forum, you said that you have friends, are busy with academic pursuits without the burden of financial debt, a new, enriching and independent life, and a fiance to boot. It leads me to wonder if you continue to live a very private world of self-hatred, a sense of inadequacy, resentment and pain. Do you share any of these feelings with your close friends or fiance? If not, why not? Are you introverted, reclusive? If you do share these feelings, what do you usually hear from them? Are your perceptions validated, or do you hear that your perceptions unfounded?

Depression often forces people into a very lonely, private world where the gulf between the “haves” and “have-nots” grows wider by the day. If you tend to be more outgoing than a loner, then perhaps you are not spending enough time alone in solitude and (morning) prayer. Prayer, whether you feel a part of it or not, is absolutely essential to healing, to starting everyday with the right (ergo, holy; ergo, triumphant) perspective.

Amazingly, nothing has been said about the awesome command from God, reinforced by the Church, to forgive your enemies. Treating depression is of utmost importance, especially if you continue to practice any of the damaging habits you described, or if you still harbor the feelings, fears, and irrational thoughts that accompany them.

Regardless who has hurt you, or who you perceive has continued to be blessed despite their wrongs (read and meditate on Psalm 37), it is not for you to worry about the other person. Rather, when you feel or know that your brother/sister, or your enemy, has wronged you, take your pain to them if they are approachable. If s/he is not open to your gentle confrontation, and this is true for most people, you must give it to God in prayer, always. This prevents gossip, anger, slander, resentment, and depression from consuming you as it will fester like a neglected sore in your heart and mind if unchecked.

Pray most for the heart to forgive your enemies and especially your brothers and sisters in Christ who hurt you. You, too, have hurt others by the very nature of your fallen human self; but a human being formed in God’s image, by His perfect, loving and holy hand. He knew you before he knit you together in your mother’s sacred womb. Ponder this as you fall asleep at night. You are here by design, and God has taken you through the fire for his noble purposes. Regardless the situation you face or the condition of your existence, you must seek to forgive – yourself, and others.

Forgiveness, the fruit of the Spirit. Forgiveness, the water that cleanses us from our wrongs, softens the edge of our hearts. Forgiveness, which gives birth to hope, strengthens the bonds of love, and leads others to Christ.

In all things, Sing, bless each one you meet and love with the precious gift of forgiveness. Before a friend hurts you, and they will, forgive. And on your knees before God, ask forgiveness too.

This all sounds lofty, but forgiveness is the core of our call to holiness. Nothing comes before forgiveness, because love produces mercy. Asking God to forgive you your sins, or to help you to forgive someone, does not feel good. It feels icky, fake, pretentious. But the feelings will follow in time.

After you read Psalm 37, turn next to Romans 12. Read the entire chapter, and meditate on verses 20-21. Read the verses aloud like a prayer to God. Practice them in the smallest ways with those around you. And God will bless you infintely. I promise you.
)
 
gardenswithkids said:
While children would like to have perfect parents, they don’t. Few attain the spiritual perfection of Saints in this life. While some may place mothers and fathers of large family on pedestals, pedestals really should be reserved for those already canonized. The parents of a large family may gain minor celebrity status, but they are no more “open to life” than an infertile couple striving to live the Church teachings while carrying their burden of infertility.

This thread makes me a little sad to read because I’m already painfully aware of my own inadequacies as a mother. Yes, I have faults, but they’re not because I have “too many children” They’re because of me, my thoughts, my words, what* I* have done and what I failed to do. Don’t blame my children for my faults. Children may see and expose their parents’ sinful nature, but they aren’t the reason for it.
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All so well said!
 
gardenswithkids said:
I agree. It goes way back to our first parents, Adam and Eve. It’s their fault. Ever since then, parents sin, and human families are imperfect.

While children would like to have perfect parents, they don’t. Few attain the spiritual perfection of Saints in this life. While some may place mothers and fathers of large family on pedestals, pedestals really should be reserved for those already canonized. The parents of a large family may gain minor celebrity status, but they are no more “open to life” than an infertile couple striving to live the Church teachings while carrying their burden of infertility.

This thread makes me a little sad to read because I’m already painfully aware of my own inadequacies as a mother. Yes, I have faults, but they’re not because I have “too many children” They’re because of me, my thoughts, my words, what* I* have done and what I failed to do. Don’t blame my children for my faults. Children may see and expose their parents’ sinful nature, but they aren’t the reason for it.

Also, some of those “sins” may be simply a matter of the child’s perspective. Many of our protestant brothers and sisters claim our blessed mother Mary, had faults. That just goes to show that no matter how perfect a mother is, some children will find faults. And I blame Adam and Eve for that too. 😛
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I think this is a wonderful post, too. As the mother of a large family, and as a homeschooling parent, I have every opportunity to have my faults magnified, and to worry that my children are going to maybe be less than they could be because of my faults. I can only do my best and entrust them to God and to Our Lady. (I love that part of this message - people can even find fault with Mary! Fortunately they are wrong, and I know my children are in her very competent arms!) I also often say a wonderful prayer that I have come across, that the Holy Spirit will fill the gap (or the chasm!) between the love my children need each day and the love they receive. I am a fallen creature after all - thank God for my church that gives me ways to help my children in spite of my failings!

A couple of things that stand out from my childhood in a large family, where certainly a shortage of attention can be a problem: My dad’s habit of saying “We’re glad you came to our house” to each of us kids, especially on our birthdays, and his habit of saying “Love you, like you, see you in the morning” when we went to bed. I think all of my siblings say the same things to their children now. And, the great fun it is when my family gets together. It is funny to see the tiny house my parents now live in, with vans and minivans filling the driveway and front lawn, when we all come home twice a year. I know the neighbors wonder how we can all fit into that little “phone booth.” It’s great to see all of the our kids together, too. I hope that as you get distance from your family, and as they all get older, you will see the benefits as well as the drawbacks to your situation.

I pray that you will experience healing and will find joy in your life, Sing. It sounds like you are already moving along that path. And when things are hard, don’t forget to unite your suffering to Our Lord’s suffering on the cross. What a joy when you get to heaven to see all the good Our Lord was able to make of that! We’re all going to suffer anyhow, might as well make good use out of it! 🙂

God bless you, and God bless all of the people who have sent you such kind and useful messages.
 
Sing, whatever has gone on in your life, it is not your parents’ fault, or yours, or the fact that you are in a large family. Problems occur in every family.

Reading the labels you give yourself, it sounds to me like you created a story a LONG time back that you weren’t important, except in your role as mother’s helper. No matter what your parents did or didn’t do, you were always going to see it through the filter of “I don’t matter, I’m just one of ten.”

As a mom I can tell you, you are the light of your parents’ life. YOU. It doesn’t matter how many they have, or the stories you have about how the younger ones are “like me but better.” What utter nonsense! If you’re sitting there saying, “No, really, they like my siblings better, let me give you twenty-five examples,” consider the power you are losing in your life by holding on to that point of view.

YOU are a precious child of God. YOU are your parents’ first born child, and the ONLY ONE who ever got any alone time with your parents. YOU are irreplaceable in God’s plan. If you can let go of the stories of how terrible it’s always been, you will be free of the past and can move forward in love and joy. I pray you will. Because YOU are the only one of YOU God made.

Gertie
 
As someone who grew up with some very painful memories of my childhood I think it’s very unfair and insenstive to dismiss Sing’s pain and try to tell her that’s not how things really were or it’s all in your head. None of us lived in her house, none of us have the right to tell her what happened to her was just a misunderstanding on her part. I think it’s very damaging to dismiss what is very real pain for her. I’m pretty sure from her discription her pain has been dismissed thoughout most of her life and that’s a big part of the problem.

Gertabelle you are not Sings mother and you can not speak for her, or presume to know what every other mother feels or doesn’t feel. I love my mom and I know she loves me in the best way she’s capable but I’m 34 and I see things differently and I’m much more removed from that time in my life. But she said some unspeakable things to me as a kid. It was not a story, it was not imagined and it was not through some lens. It was real and it was very wrong.

Just because you can not imagine treating your children poorly doesn’t mean that other people don’t. Healing doesn’t come from pretending it didn’t happen. It comes from learning to see your parents as human beings with faults, with limitations, and with sinful natures just like the rest of the people in the world. And most importantly forgiveness comes from the grace of God.

Please do not discount someone else’s pain, it only adds salt to the wound to do that.
 
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