Unhappy Consequences of Large Families

[ktp]

Sing, please forgive me if I’m misunderstanding you, but I get the impression you think your parents are among those who shouldn’t have had so many children because they “couldn’t” take care of them?

If this is how you feel, you need, first of all, to look at your four or five or six youngest siblings and realize that you are saying they shouldn’t have been born. Is this really what you want? And maybe consider if you want them to look at you and say, “If only mom and dad hadn’t had those first five or six kids, if they’d had fewer and waited till they were a little bit older. The parents having Sing… that was a mistake that made my life miserable.”

Then you need to consider that, the fact that you are unhappy with your childhood does not necessarily equal they couldn’t care for their children. Many people in this thread have pointed out that they weren’t entirely happy with their parents, either, and that parental failure in some form or another is guaranteed, and has nothing to do with family size.

You are in college with a scholarship, I think you said, a fiance, and doing very well on your own. They must have done something right.

I think in days past, it was considered quite normal for older kids to pitch in and help quite a bit with chores and younger children. Today, so many kids don’t have to do that, that it’s easy to feel slighted and mistreated for having to do what was once a given.

 

[sing]

I love all of my siblings, and I am glad that I have them. This doesn’t change the fact that my family was homeless when one was conceived, and living in a house without insulation, indoor walls or hot water when another was conceived. Not that I care about the money, but I do think that shows some irresponsibility. And of course, I am not saying that having 9 siblings made me miserable. I think that the lack of attention was very harmful to me, and I am seeing harmful effects on my siblings. Maybe some parents would be able to provide enough attention and care to individual 10 children. I know that that wasn’t the case for me, and that it would be impossible for me to care adequately for 10 children.

Also, there’s quite a difference between helping a lot, and being a surrogate mother. I was a surrogate mother.

 

[rmichael]

Sing,

Regarding NFP and it’s effectiveness- I agree it is not as effective as is sometimes (often?) advertised. Some of this has to do with irregular cycles, misinterpretation of charts, and sometimes just poor self control.

After you are married you may look into a product they have in England called “Persona” It measures hormones in urine, and is able take away a lot of the “interpretation” errors. They did what appears to be a decent study which showed a very high effectiveness rate. My spouse and I use it and, while we haven’t had it for long I can tell you that so far we’ve been pleased. It is somewhat expensive, but if it gives you peace of mind and allows you to remain a faithful Catholic then I’d say it is worth it.

Best wishes and prayers,

 

[ktp]

I love all of my siblings, and I am glad that I have them.

Then focus on that positive. Despite all, you have 9 siblings you love, and are glad to have. That’s an incredible gift that most people in this world are no longer given.

I don’t know your parents, but no parents are perfect, and your childhood might have been difficult with only one or two children, too. I think the issue I take is you blaming things (according to the subject line) on the size of your family.

 

[leonie]

Then focus on that positive. Despite all, you have 9 siblings you love, and are glad to have. That’s an incredible gift that most people in this world are no longer given.

I don’t know your parents, but no parents are perfect, and your childhood might have been difficult with only one or two children, too. I think the issue I take is you blaming things (according to the subject line) on the size of your family.

This is an excellent point. It’s not the family size per se, but the parenting. At the same time, I don’t think you can really judge at your age that you received poor parenting.

Too much attention is as bad as not enough. And, too little responsibility is way worse than too much.

God may have placed you in this family as the eldest to prepare you for some challenges you will face in your life. There’s no way you can judge now.

When I was nineteen and into my early twenties, I was very hard on my parents. By the time I had children, I could see that they did the best they could. They are wonderful people who made mistakes. I know my children will have their complaints about me.

I didn’t feel loved growing up, but it was because I didn’t understand the way they expressed love. One book that really helped me was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

I wish my parents would have given me more responsibility as a child. I still feel like I’m not a competent homemaker. I miss the training I should have received. I wish they would have accepted more children into the family. I wish they would have been less concerned about paying for my college and more concerned about family. I would have loved to have been homeschooled. I wish they would have not structured our family life around my needy sister.

Count your blessings. God bless.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Also Sing, wait until you have a child of your own. It wasn’t until I had had my daughter that it hit me what a hard job my parents did. Before that I lamented my childhood, now I see all that I actually had.

 

[Jennifer_J]

NFP is not as effective for everyone as NFP promoters like to make it out. No, I don’t have a study to back this up with, I have my own observation of my family, and many other large Catholic families. NFP is more of a “we’re trying to follow the Church and oh well here comes another baby, we just have to keep on trusting God. Or become celibate.”

I know the teachings of the Church. It doesn’t require as many children as possible, and it says that there are legitimate reasons for avoiding pregnancy, but NFP and complete abstinence are the only accepted methods of avoiding children. Also sex has two purposes, unitive and procreative, and you cannot separate the two.

NFP is as effective as a couple want to make it. I know there are several women on this board who have used NFP for 10 years or more without a pregnancy due to severe, life and death situations. The effectivness of NFP can be affected by various health issues, but often they can be cleared up and charting becomes clearer. There are also various forms of NFP and some are better for various women than others. I would also like to point out, that NFP often opens your heart to more children. What looks like “oops”, was really the couple deciding (through the work of the Holy Spirit) that another child was worth it. You can’t judge them just because they have more than 2.3 children.

I’m truly sorry that you feel your parents failed you. I think most people’s parents do one way or another. It’s how YOU react to these challenges that says the most about you.

God bless,
Jennifer

 

[RachelB]

Sing, Dearest Child of God (father of the largest family ever),

Of the four kids you choose to have someday, at least one of them will think you did something wrong that made them the way they are.

I am the oldest of 16 kids, and, yes, some of the things that you have experienced I and my siblings have experienced, too. But there’s a LOT of good in having a big family, too. When you have a house of your own, you will have many willing hands to help you move or help you clean it. I find that I am more relaxed and fulfilled, less lonely, than my spouse who came from a small family.

My spouse, on the other hand, came from a family of four, and he was way more neglected than I ever was. In his smaller family, he received less face time than I did, less financial support, lived in poorer environments.

I guess what I want to say to you is that your pain and feelings of neglect are specific to your situation, not necessarily inherent to a large family setting. There can be happiness and joy in a large family or a small family, dysfunction and loneliness is a large family or a small family, and in any size family, you may have kids that think its great as well as kids who are angry at the parents. At any age, and in any circumstance, only God can fill your loneliness, people never can.

God bless you, and please don’t give up on finding help and healing for yourself. hug

 

[CatholicSam]

NFP is not as effective for everyone as NFP promoters like to make it out. No, I don’t have a study to back this up with

Because all the studies prove the opposite Maybe the “failure” of NFP you saw in your parents’ marriage was actually non-practice of NFP (or poor education in NFP or blatant breaking of the NFP rules).

You have to let go of your anger. Have you prayed to God to help you forgive? If you have, please continue to ask Him for help with this until all your bonds of resentment are broken. It might happen tomorrow or in 20 years’ time, but He will help you if you keep seeking it of Him.