That’s ok, faithsmind. I have realised that everyone here means well and whilst the replies I have had have not been what I expected or even directly relevant they have given me pause for thought and forced me to examine what the issues really are. I don’t want to waste time on irrelevancies or long posts defending our circumstances. They are what they are. I’m more concerned with our
relationship. Or lack of it. Given that we are already living separate lives I doubt that my concentrating even more on my own life and not worrying about our life as a couple is going to help any!
The biggest issue is that we don’t actually talk properly. I think. We are so busy and spend so much time apart that I have been bottling up a lot because I don’t want to upset the short amount of time we do actually have together.
My husband is also one of those people who doesn’t like to rock the boat. If the swan appears to be serenely gliding across the lake he has no desire to look underneath to see the panicked paddling actually going on
. When confronted by my distress he doesn’t know how to handle it. He wants to ‘fix’ it. Immediately. Of course it’s not that easy. As far as he’s concerned if there is no direct action to take, if I can’t tell him exactly what I want to be different, then there is no point talking. There’s nothing he can do. It’s just upsetting ourselves to no purpose.
The apparently easy and obvious fixes are neither practical nor actually that easy. The obvious and easy solution is for him to change his job. But this is neither practical nor easy. He has spent his entire working life becoming more and more specialised. Whilst demand for his expertise is high within his company there are not many companies that would need his level of skill and therefore remunerate him to anywhere near the same degree. At least not without us having to emigrate. He could have a complete career change but that would mean a significant drop in income which in the current economic circumstances would be irresponsible. And that’s before we consider our duty towards our own elderly parents and the costs of caring for them.
We’re both exhausted. I have the added complication of my mental health being unstable. Even I have difficulty in distinguishing the difference between my depressive thoughts and real issues. He has no chance, he can’t read my mind and he’s not a psychiatrist! If I’m upset he blames himself. He immediately assumes that
he needs to do something to make it better. Not that
we need to make some changes, bang some ideas around, come to a joint conclusion of what we both want and need. He wants answers. Clear cut. “If YOU do x then everything will be fine.” Relationships aren’t like that though. Life isn’t like that. People, especially those with mental health issues, are much more complicated than that.
One thought I have had is that both of us have got into the habit of avoiding talking about ‘difficult’ subjects because we don’t want to cause the other to be upset. As long as we don’t talk about things then both of us can outwardly cope with living our separate lives and we can appear just like that swan. But that isn’t a proper marriage. This is what marriage is to me -
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qgz_xsdbEks
If we do start to talk then there is inevitably tears and recriminations and this affects the children (especially our eldest who is very perceptive) as we are
never alone until our eldest child is asleep*, it’s late and we go to bed - that’s where the sex element creeps in I suppose. It is the most natural thing in the world for a couple to turn to one another physically in this space but most of the time we can’t or do not feel able to and abide by doctrine. It is unnatural and not conducive to healthy sleep to start talking about emotive subjects at bedtime! Result: we don’t talk. Plus, we never actually solve anything. I’m not sure there is anything to solve. There is a situation to manage. Currently we are managing it badly. That is what has got to change.
*Before anyone goes off on a tangent here. Our eldest is 13 years old. We
could send him to his room early to have time alone, but he’s not going to go to sleep until at least 9.30pm and as long as he is awake he can hear
everything that is happening elsewhere in the house - bad soundproofiing, that’s British building for you
. Don’t suggest babysitters either please. We’ve looked into that and there are reasons why we can’t use a regular sitter. I’d love to go on a Marriage Encounter weekend but we haven’t anyone to care for the children whilst we go. Childcare is a large part of this I suppose. It
will pass as they get older, I know. In the meantime however we are drifting further and further apart living our separate lives. I already feel that he doesn’t know me anymore. All he knows about me is that I have an objective medical condition which affects my perception of reality and that of course is a convenient ‘free pass’ to not deal with anything that I’m upset about - it’s just the depression talking, there isn’t anything
really wrong. Who knows, maybe he’s right?
. I don’t even have myself under control.
) and the implicit assumption being fed to us continuously in the media is that any family with more than two children must be either extremely wealthy or living off benefits. It’s a very uncomfortable society in which to raise a Catholic family
I’m not shrugging off your comments or insights. It just had never occured to me previously to view my husband in this way. I’m listening and discerning. Thanks for taking the time to read my story and to post.