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Julianna
Guest
yes, kids think parents OWE them those things. So naturally they take it for granted. This is why I mentioned it. Is that all you got of it? Just wondering.
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Karin
Guest
Nope that is not all I got out of it…just curious as to why you kept menitoning the bed and dresser
is all
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Jay2
Guest
Your suggestions won’t/don’t work. The child is in need of help here, and he’s escaped or left from all the juvie facilities.
And Dad “spent” his feeble old man card when he punched out the little creep… and I do mean out, as in out-cold. He’s 6’ 2" and 185 - no feeble guy here.
I mentioned our “scenario” as a warning to Moira. These are all things that can happen in today’s society. The not-so-kids (anymore) have every right (written or perceived), and the parents NONE when it comes to discipline or providing for.
It will be the PARENTS in court and being charged with assault, neglect, or worse… even if the kid has a record a mile long, or a history of troubled behavior.
As stated, you have a responsibility for food, shelter, & clothing. Unless she pays rent all other terms or extras fall under the “house rules”. Stand tough and get some professional help!
And Dad “spent” his feeble old man card when he punched out the little creep… and I do mean out, as in out-cold. He’s 6’ 2" and 185 - no feeble guy here.
I mentioned our “scenario” as a warning to Moira. These are all things that can happen in today’s society. The not-so-kids (anymore) have every right (written or perceived), and the parents NONE when it comes to discipline or providing for.
It will be the PARENTS in court and being charged with assault, neglect, or worse… even if the kid has a record a mile long, or a history of troubled behavior.
As stated, you have a responsibility for food, shelter, & clothing. Unless she pays rent all other terms or extras fall under the “house rules”. Stand tough and get some professional help!
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
I hope they can get a restraining order when he turns 18, too. Then they can call 911 and have him removed for just showing up at their front door.This one hits kinda close to home… my Dad (78) and his SO (47) have been battling with her 17yo son.
I don’t want to hi-jack this thread, but I do want to tell a story here about how important it is for both YOU & YOUR DAUGHTER to get some help…NOW. You can’t make this stuff up. There are no embellishments here.
Don’t know about your situation, but he fell in with the “wrong” crowd, got into drugs & booze, and trouble with the law. He’s been kicked out of (or escaped from) EVERY youth re-hab program in our area and the surrounding counties. Stolen a car, gotten nabbed for possession, and has a quite substantial rap-sheet with the authorities. He’s now a father, with an 17yo gal. No job, and thinks the world owes him everything.
His mother’s hands are tied. He can do anything he wants, up to and including making false statements of abuse, threats, and physical harm, come and go as he pleases, not show up for days, and just walk in when he wants to.
Know why?? The legal system. He is a minor, and knows it:
“Lock me out, I’ll call the cops - you have to let me in.”
“You even poke a finger at me I’ll call the cops - that’s assault.”
“You verbally assaulted me, I’m calling my case-worker”.
My Dad spent the night in lockup because of this very thing. The punk shows up after a 3-day jag, breezes through the door into the kitchen. He SHOVES my Dad away from the 'fridge and starts rummaging. My Dad (showing incredible self-control) grabs him on the shoulder and turns him around (face to face) and asks “Where the H*ll you been for the last three days??”
The reply: “You can’t F’ing touch me old man, that’s assault… get your hands off me” and the kid throws a punch… he was wearing a ring and cut Dads eyebrow (three stitches worth).
My Dad figures enough is enough and *dropped this punk where he stood :clapping: *. What he didn’t know is the little sister is on the phone calling 911.
Who gets hauled out of the house in cuffs & bleeding? Dad. Who’s charged with assault? Dad.
Who spends a night in lockup with $500 bail? Dad
Who has to serve 40 hours community service & 1 year probation? Dad.
This is a 78 year old man - taking care of business that was LONG overdue with a punk kid - the way my Grandfather would have, or I.
They are counting the days. It’s about 3-1/2 weeks until his 18th birthday. At midnight they are moving his stuff to the curb and changing the locks. If he breaks in he is at risk of being shot or Louisville Slugger’d - he is a burglar from that moment forward.
I sincerely hope you don’t have to go through this kind of torture with your belligerent teen. Trust me on this, they KNOW the system and will USE it.
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mom2boyz
Guest
17 is the worst year for parents. They have the responsibility w/o the power. At least in my state, the kids can chose what to do and the parents have to provide food, shelter and bare essentials. At this age parental power is money. That is where the “only the mattress” makes sense. Providing the bare essentials include food and basic clothing. Any thing else is extra. When they steal or assult, then call the cops. More important you need someone to help you get a backbone. Yes, she is pregnant. If she refuses your help, pray for her baby. She’s got some problems that you can’t solve on your own. So don’t, get someone to help you. If she is doing illegal things, then let her get caught. If you think it is bad now, just wait. She will use this baby as a way to manipulate you for years.
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katy
Guest
It is quite useful to be able to say, “My parents kicked me out.” It engages sympathy for the poor waif and all that. When we didn’t kick our rebellious kid out, she moved out and proceeded to tell everyone who didn’t know the true story that we had forced her to leave anyway.
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Julianna
Guest
mom…you got that right! Strip her room bare. The OP is within her rights to do so. Rally around the support of your church, your neighbors, teachers and extended family. Right now, she will tell you that “her friends” are more supportive than you…yeah, right…until they have worked all day, come home and she’s eaten all their food and slept 15 hrs. That too will get old.
The “princess” in her will win out eventually. She is “used” to having things comfortable for her. Start making it “uncomfortable”.
Please keep in touch with all of us…as we are praying for you and the baby.
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
Let us be fair to 17 year olds, though. Not everybody has a battle on their hands when their child approaches the end of high school. For the many parents, it is an age mixed with pride and a wistful appreciation that their DS or DD is not going to be in their home much longer.
Then there are the parents whose children are choosing to get through their hard times using behavior like this…and it is not rare to see both kinds of teens coming from the same home. The good news is that very often, the injured family lives to see the day when there are apologies and when good will is restored.
A member of our family had to send her son off to live in a group-home-type ranch, disciplined by other people and isolated from any other civilization. He did not straighten right up. He fought it tooth and nail, in fact. As soon as he reached majority, he bolted. He got married and had a child. But now, he’s straightening up, cleaning up, and growing up. I believe that what she and her husband did saved his life. As nearly as I can tell, her son thinks so, too.
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Island_Oak
Guest
I don’t think for a moment you are being selfish and, in fact, if you do step in and raise this child for your daughter you are failing her as her mother in not making her own up to her responsibilities.
The baby would clearly be better off in an adult, married, two-parent household. The sooner you make it as clear as glass that you will not be taking on the responsibility arising from this pregnancy, the sooner she will be forced to realistically assess her options.
I would have her out of the house ASAP. This is not an argument, it is a statement of fact–present it that way and engage in no discussion, shouting or the like. She has no options or leverage. Give her a deadline–like 2 weeks–in which she has to find an apartment costing no more than $____ in which to live (as she has long since forfeited the right to live at home and further disrupt the family.) It makes sense that you will pay for the apartment until such time as the baby is born. After that–she will be on her own. If she chooses to keep the baby, SHE will need to figure out how to get support from the father, public aid, a job, whatever, to meet her + baby’s needs.
This is neither harsh or cruel–it is the reality faced by all parents. If she is not up to the challenge–adoption is a viable, and frankly preferable option. She has made a serious mistake. It is profoundly unfair for her to expect you, your husband, her siblings to suffer the rancor and conflict caused by her selfishness and poor choices. It is time for all of you to face the music and if the evidence before you of what years of letting her get away with murder have yielded are not proof enough of a need for a change of course, think down the line 18 years as she bullies and manipulates you into taking on the care of her and this child.
p.s. I know this will be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. But discipline offered out of love and a desire to see the best for the loved one is never cruel, whereas letting her sink deeper into this mess hurts you, your daughter, her self-esteem, your family unity and ultimately an innocent baby.
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Julianna
Guest
Island Oak…I could just kiss you!!! Brilliant!
OP…you DO have support…please keep in touch with us.
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Cupofkindness
Guest
One of the most important things that a parent must do is not cave in to the classic: “You really don’t love me!!!” shouted by an angry teen. A parent cannot allow themself to be manipulated by this guilt trip line delivered so easily by a child trying to force an anxious parent to do whatever they want. One must say with full grace and confidence: “I do love you, I have given you everything you need and then some because I love you. Not only that, but I pray for you and want the best for you. I am here for you whenever you need help. Whether you believe me or not, whether you feel it or not, I want you to know that I absolutely do love you.” When I’m telling my own children this, I picture them as newborns (in my mind) which helps me calmly say these words with as much compassion, love, and kindness as possible, while at the same time asserting my authority with confidence and strength.
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maria29
Guest
To the original OP why is she against adoption?
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magician
Guest
Moira, I suggest you seek out an objective intermediary who can create a “buffer zone” between you and your daughter. You might ask your local parish priest for a reference to a psychologist or child health care professional who can act in that role.
Conversations with your daughter at this point are irrational and do not achieve any positive outcomes. Perhaps quiet time is best between you when you’re together - just don’t talk.
Perhaps letting your daughter do exactly as she pleases, adopting a disinterested attitude, might give her time to think about her situation. She will wonder where your “concern” has gone and perhaps seek you out for comfort and advice, rather than you imposing yourself on her personal space.
As a parent, you are the controller (the “decider” as someone famous said recently). Giving up control may be part of the solution for both of you.
Seek some advice and let it rest for a while.
Conversations with your daughter at this point are irrational and do not achieve any positive outcomes. Perhaps quiet time is best between you when you’re together - just don’t talk.
Perhaps letting your daughter do exactly as she pleases, adopting a disinterested attitude, might give her time to think about her situation. She will wonder where your “concern” has gone and perhaps seek you out for comfort and advice, rather than you imposing yourself on her personal space.
As a parent, you are the controller (the “decider” as someone famous said recently). Giving up control may be part of the solution for both of you.
Seek some advice and let it rest for a while.
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mommyaprilj
Guest
not necessarily true,
you might be able to go to court, prove her unfit, and either choose to raise the child yourself or place it in state custody for the good of the child.
Giving birth does not automatically mean ownership.
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Norseman82
Guest
Moira,
You may want to consider an “intervention” where basically a group of people confront her about her problems. Also, if the father is over 18, that might be stautuory rape, which I would definitely pursue charges on as a way of gaining some leverage.
Jay2,
Yikes! Have our self-defense rights eroded that much? What the 17-yo did could be technically considered elder abuse, and there are elder abuse hotlines and agencies in many states. That could be an additional resource for your family.
You may want to consider an “intervention” where basically a group of people confront her about her problems. Also, if the father is over 18, that might be stautuory rape, which I would definitely pursue charges on as a way of gaining some leverage.
Jay2,
Yikes! Have our self-defense rights eroded that much? What the 17-yo did could be technically considered elder abuse, and there are elder abuse hotlines and agencies in many states. That could be an additional resource for your family.
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moira
Guest
Bingo!
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moira
Guest
I think she’s afraid that the child will grow up and either hate her for putting it up for adoption or be forever looking for her as it’s birth mother. And I do understand that. I have five kids and the thought of giving any one of them up…well, I don’t know if I could do it either. But then, the circumstances surrounding their births were quite a bit different.
I’m very grateful that abortion was never an option that entered her mind.
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moira
Guest
I thought of that but my sister, an attorney, said that he would have a defense because they are too close in age. If she were 14, yes. But, believe it or not, in my state if she is 16, or 17 the boy wouldn’t be arrested.
We’ve been led to believe that 18 is this magic number, but it’s not. Too many variables.
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Princess_Abby
Guest
And I hope it still doesn’t. Honestly I’m shocked at the venomous tone some posters have used in discussing what options you might employ in dealing with your pregnant teen daughter. This isn’t a ‘waif’ or a ‘princess’ or whatever other disparaging terms some of you have come up with. Sure, you can aggressively bully your 17 year old into giving the child away. You can horrify her with what ends up happening to single mothers without any help (i.e. family support) or education or financial stability. You can remove all care and compassion and make it impossible for her to survive or care for your grandchild. But if the end goal is to have her consider adoption and come to the conclusion that what might be best for the child is to give up the baby to a married Catholic household–aren’t there other ways to go about that? You can set boundaries and hold her accountable without having to kick her out. You can enlist help without alienating your daughter. You can teach her without terrorizing her.
Your daughter needs help. Serious, professional guidance. And so do you. Please don’t embark on this journey without getting professional help to aid you in assessing the situation, your daughter and what is best for your grandchild. If she refuses to go at this point, then go yourself for support and guidance in how to handle her and all the havoc being wreaked upon your family, future and relationships. Please also try to remember that no matter what angry, nasty things come out of your daughter’s mouth, she’s frightened and insecure and probably petrified of all the life-changing events surrounding her at the moment. She needs her mom, so let her know you’re on her side. As tough as it might be, I also encourage you to look at how you might be escalating her emotional responses to you and see if there are ways in which you can change your own behavior in order to communicate better with your daughter. This is not an all or nothing approach–you don’t have to be either a doormat or a nazi. A therapist can help you with how to approach your daughter in the most productive way possible.
BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.
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OutinChgoburbs
Guest
Because it strips them down to NOTHING. I did this for both my adult son and daughter when they were teens. It certainly gets their attention. They have no place to put their clothes, no place to hide stuff between the mattress and box springs. It’s great.
I cannot add anything here Moira, except I will pray for you, and you need to move FAST, like today, like the minute you wake up. A maternity home is not abandonment. It is a place that specializes in your daughter’s situation. You can still visit her there, if she wishes- although I would make sure it’s kind of on the far side in location, you don’t have time to cater to her every whim.
Have it all in place before you tell her (tell her, not ask her). Have the car loaded and ready to go when you tell her- and put on the child locks so she can’t jump out.Fortunately, pregnancy is only 9 months long.
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