Unmarried 17 yr. old daughter pregnant

[gmarie21]

I think she’s afraid that the child will grow up and either hate her for putting it up for adoption or be forever looking for her as it’s birth mother. And I do understand that. I have five kids and the thought of giving any one of them up…well, I don’t know if I could do it either. But then, the circumstances surrounding their births were quite a bit different.
I’m very grateful that abortion was never an option that entered her mind.

After having met my biological mother, her life was miserable and so were her two kids’ lives. Her daughter always acted up and HATED her b/c she DIDN’T place her for adoption like she had done for me. Also, DON’T assume that you know why your daughter is against adoption (or even why she’s pregnant). DON’T assume anything pertaining to her perspective.

You both need help b/c there is no relationship there. She can’ t trust you, you can’t trust her. As another poster stated, there was a breakdown somewhere years ago, you both seem to have missed where that was (I bet that she knows, but will not disclose it to you). You can’t do this alone, and you shouldn’t. You may be her mother, but you can’t see through your own emotions to see the source of her pain. That is why seeking professional, Catholic help is SOOOOOOO important. Also, you say you have one child younger than her. Where are your other children? Why aren’t they helping the situation? Doesn’t your daughter mean anything to them? Do they mean anything to your daughter? If they don’t care, then your problems are even bigger than your daughter, it really is a family problem.

 

[puzzleannie]

OP needs a lawyer versed in family law in her state. The actions you take now with a rebellious minor will have ramifications when she becomes an adult, including your right to see your grandchild. You have only a few months or weeks to make decisions and take actions that can affect your grandchild’s life. Please get advice relevant to your state. CPS or Catholic Charities social workers can guide you to good lawyers.

 

[rayne89]

And I hope it still doesn’t. Honestly I’m shocked at the venomous tone some posters have used in discussing what options you might employ in dealing with your pregnant teen daughter. This isn’t a ‘waif’ or a ‘princess’ or whatever other disparaging terms some of you have come up with. Sure, you can aggressively bully your 17 year old into giving the child away. You can horrify her with what ends up happening to single mothers without any help (i.e. family support) or education or financial stability. You can remove all care and compassion and make it impossible for her to survive or care for your grandchild. But if the end goal is to have her consider adoption and come to the conclusion that what might be best for the child is to give up the baby to a married Catholic household–aren’t there other ways to go about that? You can set boundaries and hold her accountable without having to kick her out. You can enlist help without alienating your daughter. You can teach her without terrorizing her.

Your daughter needs help. Serious, professional guidance. And so do you. Please don’t embark on this journey without getting professional help to aid you in assessing the situation, your daughter and what is best for your grandchild. If she refuses to go at this point, then go yourself for support and guidance in how to handle her and all the havoc being wreaked upon your family, future and relationships. Please also try to remember that no matter what angry, nasty things come out of your daughter’s mouth, she’s frightened and insecure and probably petrified of all the life-changing events surrounding her at the moment. She needs her mom, so let her know you’re on her side. As tough as it might be, I also encourage you to look at how you might be escalating her emotional responses to you and see if there are ways in which you can change your own behavior in order to communicate better with your daughter. This is not an all or nothing approach–you don’t have to be either a doormat or a nazi. A therapist can help you with how to approach your daughter in the most productive way possible.

BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.

Excellant post Abby:clapping:

 

[rayne89]

Abby’s post really brings to light things that haven’t really been discussed here. How did it get to this point? All these venemous posts on how to strip your daughter of everything to break her will. I realize at this point you can’t turn back the clock but this is a wake up for other families. The first time a child curses at a parent or doesn’t come home all night, there needs to be clear consistant discipline. You need professional help to deal with your particular situation. If your daughter refuses to go, you and your husband go and get some help on how to handle a situation that has now spiralled out of control. You can’t allow your daughter to continue to treat you this way but stripping away everything including the feeling that she is loved isn’t going to help a child that is already so lost.
I will keep you and your family in prayers.

 

[kage_ar]

“BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.”

Abby - you said everything I wanted to say. The best advice on this thread.

 

[moira]

“BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.”

Abby - you said everything I wanted to say. The best advice on this thread.

I’m sure I’ve done some things wrong with her, but this part of the post makes me feel like a complete failure. I’m starting to wish I never started this thread.

 

[kage_ar]

I’m sure I’ve done some things wrong with her, but this part of the post makes me feel like a complete failure. I’m starting to wish I never started this thread.

My intention is NOT to make you feel like a failure, but, to know that it is okay to seek real professional help, someone who can locate the root of the problem.

A book you might look at is Kimmell’s “Why Christian Kid’s Rebel”.

 

[Chovy]

Moira-
I know plenty of good families with good parents who did their very best and still had children who made poor life choices. This is not a time for you to feel guilty or to question your past decisions but it is a time for you to focus on what is best for yourself, your husband, your daughter, and your grandchild.

Your daughter will grow out of this provided she receives the help she needs at this time. But it may get uglier before it gets better. Pray to St. Monica and please consider getting your daughter some counseling with whatever programs are available in your area.

As a potential adoptive mother, I can also suggest that you find a woman who has placed her child with an adoptive family who can share her positive experience with your daughter. Placing a child for adoption must be the hardest decision a woman can make, but in cases like these seems to be the best option. Your local Catholic Charities can certainly help. Adoptions these days are almost all open- with the birthmother staying an important part of the child’s family dynamic. We had a woman speak at our adoption classes who was a perfect example of someone who did the best thing for herself and for her child and is now a successful adult. Her parents probably felt much the same way you do 17 years ago. I hope your daughter will at least listen to someone like this who was faced with a similar set of circumstances.

My prayers are with you and I am praying that your daughter chooses adoption. There is some nice family out there right now who is dreaming of a lovely little child like your grandchild and would give anything for the chance to raise him or her.

Best wishes,
Ann

 

[rayne89]

Moira you’re not a complete failure. All parents make mistakes, but instead of feeling bad and feeling guilty -reach out and get professional help. My best friend whom I’ve known since we’ve been kids has 17 year old daughter that is pregnant. They tried so hard to teach her to make the right choices but in the end they couldn’t follow her 24/7.

Please don’t wring your ands and do nothing. Parenting is so hard, sometimes we need outside professional help. Don’t think of all what if’s and should haves -start from right now.
God Bless.

 

[hasikelee]

“BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.”

Moira, falling into self-pity or worrying over what you might have done wrong won’t help your situation. I don’t think this paragraph was to batter you. It could very well mean that she had some other difficulty not even related to your parenting. For example, a traumatic experience with a boyfriend, or a death in the family, can cause teen issues.

The thing to remember is you don’t know. All you do know is that your daughter is lashing out, which could be a cry for help. There is no reason to be ashamed and ask for help for your daughter and grandbaby. It is more shameful to hide all of this and try to do it alone.

 

[Celia]

OP needs a lawyer versed in family law in her state. The actions you take now with a rebellious minor will have ramifications when she becomes an adult, including your right to see your grandchild. You have only a few months or weeks to make decisions and take actions that can affect your grandchild’s life. Please get advice relevant to your state. CPS or Catholic Charities social workers can guide you to good lawyers.

I agree with this advice as the best course of action at the moment and see how it goes from there. Hopefully the social workers can give you some names of some good counselors in the area as well. You’ll need help. You’re in my prayers

 

[estesbob]

Moira-
I know plenty of good families with good parents who did their very best and still had children who made poor life choices. This is not a time for you to feel guilty or to question your past decisions but it is a time for you to focus on what is best for yourself, your husband, your daughter, and your grandchild.

My father always said that that we take way too much credit for our children’s successes and way too much blame for their failures. I have seen in children with good parents where one child turned out to be an absolute blessing and the other hell on wheels. We raise them as best we can and put them in God’s hands.

In addition to all the great advice posted in this thread the OP should turn it over to God.

Cast all you anxiety on the Lord, for he cares fo you…

1Peter5:7

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Yup, children are born as individuals, you can do the best for them, and one will turn out great, and another just rebel.

 

[stayathomemom]

And I hope it still doesn’t. Honestly I’m shocked at the venomous tone some posters have used in discussing what options you might employ in dealing with your pregnant teen daughter. This isn’t a ‘waif’ or a ‘princess’ or whatever other disparaging terms some of you have come up with. Sure, you can aggressively bully your 17 year old into giving the child away. You can horrify her with what ends up happening to single mothers without any help (i.e. family support) or education or financial stability. You can remove all care and compassion and make it impossible for her to survive or care for your grandchild. But if the end goal is to have her consider adoption and come to the conclusion that what might be best for the child is to give up the baby to a married Catholic household–aren’t there other ways to go about that? You can set boundaries and hold her accountable without having to kick her out. You can enlist help without alienating your daughter. You can teach her without terrorizing her.

Your daughter needs help. Serious, professional guidance. And so do you. Please don’t embark on this journey without getting professional help to aid you in assessing the situation, your daughter and what is best for your grandchild. If she refuses to go at this point, then go yourself for support and guidance in how to handle her and all the havoc being wreaked upon your family, future and relationships. Please also try to remember that no matter what angry, nasty things come out of your daughter’s mouth, she’s frightened and insecure and probably petrified of all the life-changing events surrounding her at the moment. She needs her mom, so let her know you’re on her side. As tough as it might be, I also encourage you to look at how you might be escalating her emotional responses to you and see if there are ways in which you can change your own behavior in order to communicate better with your daughter. This is not an all or nothing approach–you don’t have to be either a doormat or a nazi. A therapist can help you with how to approach your daughter in the most productive way possible.

BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.

VERY well said Abby!:clapping:

I think you should run for president! :…

you’d get my vote!!! :bowdown2: :bowdown2:

 

[JMJDevotee]

Moira, I can’t even begin to imagie what you are dealing with. I am sure it is frustrating and heartbreaking. I think you have gotten a lot of wisdom from posting your problem.

As a mom of 3 teens (2 boys, 1 girl) we do have strict rules and strict consequences if they are not followed. We researched what the NC laws were before we implemented them and we educated our kids on what the laws were. Our DD still called DSS on us and embellished a story bc she was mad at us. Once we showed the social worker our list of rules/consequences, and explained the situation IN FRONT of our DD, she closed the case and gave my DD a stern lecture on what her job was truly meant for and crying wolf had takend her away from a child who was truly in need.

I agree that you need to take back control. She is 17 and still a minor. My SIL is going through something similar and she finally sat my nephew down and explained that she was his last chance. She set up rules, curfew, you will pay $XX for food/rent. He has to ask to use the car, keep his room clean, attend Mass with the family, eat dinner with the family. Now, his situation was more about drug/alcohol use. I would suggest you give her an education in the real world about parenting, paying bills, healthcare (including the wonderful world of insurance).

She needs to know that God gave you the gift of her life and you have fulfilled that obligation, but that she is obligated to you as well. “Honor thy mother and father.”

My prayers are with you.

Pax

 

[Baby_Sister]

VERY well said Abby!:clapping:

I think you should run for president! :…

you’d get my vote!!! :bowdown2: :bowdown2:

Imagine how hurtful this comment must be to the OP. Yes, Abby made some good points, but I think it was a low blow to question the parenting abilities to a mother who is so obviously struggling to find the right path for the future. There’s nothing that can be done about the past. I think it’s very easy to have all the answers about parenting when your children are young. The real challenges come when they reach those teenage years.

Moira, I pray that you can find the strength to do what is best for your family.

 

[maria29]

I think she’s afraid that the child will grow up and either hate her for putting it up for adoption or be forever looking for her as it’s birth mother. And I do understand that. I have five kids and the thought of giving any one of them up…well, I don’t know if I could do it either. But then, the circumstances surrounding their births were quite a bit different.
I’m very grateful that abortion was never an option that entered her mind.

**I wanted to share with you that I was adopted at a month old through Catholic Charities. My BM was 14 when she had me and my BF i don’t really know anything about( nor do i about my BM either since it was a closed adoption).

I have NEVER EVER disliked, hated, resentful, etc of my BM because she did a truly loving act and actually thought about her child’s welfare. I have always known i was adopted and I have always left it in St. Anne’s hands whether I am to be reunited with my BM. For all intensive purposes my adoptive mother is my Mother. Just because she didn’t give birth to me doesn’t make her any less of a mother. If i do met my BM someday i would love to tell her thank for doing what i know was incredibley hard and a very loving act.

I know there are many loving couples who are looking for infants to adopt and have an especially hard time finding any. I would recommend talking to some at Catholic Charities as well. I don’t know anything about open adoptions, but i would think that might be a little hard.**

 

[stayathomemom]

Imagine how hurtful this comment must be to the OP. Yes, Abby made some good points, but I think it was a low blow to **question the parenting abilities **to a mother who is so obviously struggling to find the right path for the future. There’s nothing that can be done about the past. I think it’s very easy to have all the answers about parenting when your children are young. The real challenges come when they reach those teenage years.

Moira, I pray that you can find the strength to do what is best for your family.

What?!

You said it yourself, Abby made some good points…and that’s ALL I was trying to say. Abby tends to give VERY good advice and is very well spoken in most things that she responds to. Please do not put words in my mouth by insinuating I am insulting the OP by saying she is not a good parent because that is NOT what I said.

 

[Baby_Sister]

BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.

This is the last part of Abby’s post and your comment followed immediately. The OP commented earlier in the thread that this was hurtful. If you want to give applause for a comment you can use the PM feature.

 

[stayathomemom]

BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.

This is the last part of Abby’s post and your comment followed immediately. The OP commented earlier in the thread that this was hurtful. If you want to give applause for a comment you can use the PM feature.

My applause (as well as other posters’ applause) was for the WHOLE message, not just the part that you altered from my quote. Abby said what I was thinking – so instead of reposting what she said (since the OP did ask for advice), I applauded it. It wasn’t meant to be offensive to the OP, and I ask **again **for you to quit reading more of it than it is.