Unmarried 17 yr. old daughter pregnant

[Holland]

Sorry to rain on the parade but deb216’s plan might work on a young teenager but a 17 year old would probably hand it back to Mom and Dad and say that’s OK, I will go to Social Services for help. Kids today have a lot more opportunities to get help outside the home than they did say even 10 years ago. You can’t on one hand say you are going to make them adhere to all your rules because they are minors and then say you have to bear all the responsibility as if they were adults. It has to be one or the other. I say a pregnant 17 year old can be given the pink slip to her life and you can do it without holding a hammer over her head. I would say that most of the posters here have not been through teenagers yet. But don’t worry, it comes soon enough, and your plans will change accordiingly.

 

[lotusblossom]

Moira,

I don’t really have much advice to give, but I do want to say that you are not a failure in any way, shape or form! Tough love is the most difficult decision a parent could make, and it’s one that has its ups and downs. I’m a soon-to-be parent, but young enough so that I have recently experienced a slightly similiar situation being on the sibling-side of it.

My sister who is 20 yrs old has always had problems. She was diagnosed with RAD and then bi-polar disorder. She’s the 2nd of 6 (I’m the oldest). She not only beat up my mom from time to time, but was awful to the rest of us, esp. the younger ones, since I got my fights out with her at an earlier age and then learned how to defend myself and ignore most of her behavior. She didn’t get pregnant and was 18 yrs old, but she dropped out of college, started a relationship with a complete creep who ended up giving her an STD, and refused to adhere to pretty much all of the house rules. Before she was 18, my dad swore up and down that she’d be kicked out as soon as she graduated high school. My mom, however, kept hoping that she’d change and kept remembering her as a cute little girl, and begged my dad not to make any harsh decisions. After two years of my dad, my siblings, and me saying that she needed to leave, (She also kept saying from the moment she was 16 that she wanted to move out, but then wouldn’t.) was finally kicked out. She was given the ultimatum of find an apartment, we’re not financially supporting you in any way, and this is what you wanted anyway.

Six months later, things have changed dramatically although we’re definitely not there yet. She started going to church, although not consistently, but still had stopped once she got the loser boyfriend. She has two jobs and pays her own rent and bills. She visits the house, and while my siblings hate it (one is going to counseling for his anger) most of the time, she’s much much nicer than she used to be.

Tough love works . I hope your daughter turns around and that you and your family can make it through this together. My own birthmom was 17 when she had me and I am SO thankful she chose life! You will be in my prayers . God bless! You are wonderful!

 

[katybird]

I was in my 30’s when I got pregnant out of wedlock, and my parents believed that I should put the baby up for adoption. My mom died just before my son was born, and she died thinking that I was being selfish and making a terrible mistake. I cried at my wedding last winter because she never got to see that it all turned out OK. My father has said that, much to his utter amazement, having the baby was the best thing that ever happened to me and my whole life has been vastly better since then.

I bring this up because reading this thread has reopened some of those wounds. It really, really hurts to be told that you wouldn’t be a good mother/don’t deserve the baby/are selfish to want to keep the baby when there are so many “better” people out there. To this day - even though I lead a good, stable life and my child wants for absolutely nothing - I sometimes wonder if, after all, there weren’t some perfect couple out there that would be better parents than I could ever be.

My mother was already preoccupied with her own cancer, but she just never did get on board with the baby thing… when I brought it up - to show her sonogram photos or whatever, perhaps naively hoping this would give her something besides chemo and pain to think about - she would just go kinda blank and I could see that she wasn’t really able to be happy about it. I asked her “Do you think maybe you could, you know, be optimistic about this baby?” and she just said, “but, how can you raise a child as a single mother? How can I see that as anything but tragic?”

It hurts very deeply that my mother died so profoundly disappointed in me, and that she never had any confidence in me.

So… maybe those posters here who are focusing on the fact that this girl is 17 and behaving irrationally are justified in worrying about the baby, but trying to force her to put the baby up for adoption could harm her in ways you can’t imagine. Think about it - who here can even imagine giving up one of their babies? I know I couldn’t do it.

We don’t know for sure that she will continue to rebell. She may just be scared. Maybe there’s been a power struggle over adoption for the whole pregnancy. Maybe, if you give her some compassion and say, “How can I help you to be a good mother?” and really try to be enthused about the baby, she’ll come around. It will probably be a bumpy ride, since she’s 17 and growing up overnight isn’t going to happen, but it needn’t be a total disaster.

 

[WenckebachCath]

I was in my 30’s when I got pregnant out of wedlock, and my parents believed that I should put the baby up for adoption. My mom died just before my son was born, and she died thinking that I was being selfish and making a terrible mistake. I cried at my wedding last winter because she never got to see that it all turned out OK. My father has said that, much to his utter amazement, having the baby was the best thing that ever happened to me and my whole life has been vastly better since then.

I bring this up because reading this thread has reopened some of those wounds. It really, really hurts to be told that you wouldn’t be a good mother/don’t deserve the baby/are selfish to want to keep the baby when there are so many “better” people out there. To this day - even though I lead a good, stable life and my child wants for absolutely nothing - I sometimes wonder if, after all, there weren’t some perfect couple out there that would be better parents than I could ever be.

My mother was already preoccupied with her own cancer, but she just never did get on board with the baby thing… when I brought it up - to show her sonogram photos or whatever, perhaps naively hoping this would give her something besides chemo and pain to think about - she would just go kinda blank and I could see that she wasn’t really able to be happy about it. I asked her “Do you think maybe you could, you know, be optimistic about this baby?” and she just said, “but, how can you raise a child as a single mother? How can I see that as anything but tragic?”

It hurts very deeply that my mother died so profoundly disappointed in me, and that she never had any confidence in me.

So… maybe those posters here who are focusing on the fact that this girl is 17 and behaving irrationally are justified in worrying about the baby, but trying to force her to put the baby up for adoption could harm her in ways you can’t imagine. Think about it - who here can even imagine giving up one of their babies? I know I couldn’t do it.

We don’t know for sure that she will continue to rebell. She may just be scared. Maybe there’s been a power struggle over adoption for the whole pregnancy. Maybe, if you give her some compassion and say, “How can I help you to be a good mother?” and really try to be enthused about the baby, she’ll come around. It will probably be a bumpy ride, since she’s 17 and growing up overnight isn’t going to happen, but it needn’t be a total disaster.

This is a very moving story, thank you. It certainly puts a different perspective on this situation. God Bless you!

 

[maria29]

I was in my 30’s when I got pregnant out of wedlock, and my parents believed that I should put the baby up for adoption. My mom died just before my son was born, and she died thinking that I was being selfish and making a terrible mistake. I cried at my wedding last winter because she never got to see that it all turned out OK. My father has said that, much to his utter amazement, having the baby was the best thing that ever happened to me and my whole life has been vastly better since then.

I bring this up because reading this thread has reopened some of those wounds. It really, really hurts to be told that you wouldn’t be a good mother/don’t deserve the baby/are selfish to want to keep the baby when there are so many “better” people out there. To this day - even though I lead a good, stable life and my child wants for absolutely nothing - I sometimes wonder if, after all, there weren’t some perfect couple out there that would be better parents than I could ever be.

My mother was already preoccupied with her own cancer, but she just never did get on board with the baby thing… when I brought it up - to show her sonogram photos or whatever, perhaps naively hoping this would give her something besides chemo and pain to think about - she would just go kinda blank and I could see that she wasn’t really able to be happy about it. I asked her “Do you think maybe you could, you know, be optimistic about this baby?” and she just said, “but, how can you raise a child as a single mother? How can I see that as anything but tragic?”

It hurts very deeply that my mother died so profoundly disappointed in me, and that she never had any confidence in me.

So… maybe those posters here who are focusing on the fact that this girl is 17 and behaving irrationally are justified in worrying about the baby, but trying to force her to put the baby up for adoption could harm her in ways you can’t imagine. Think about it - who here can even imagine giving up one of their babies? I know I couldn’t do it.

We don’t know for sure that she will continue to rebell. She may just be scared. Maybe there’s been a power struggle over adoption for the whole pregnancy. Maybe, if you give her some compassion and say, “How can I help you to be a good mother?” and really try to be enthused about the baby, she’ll come around. It will probably be a bumpy ride, since she’s 17 and growing up overnight isn’t going to happen, but it needn’t be a total disaster.

You were also in your 30’s when you got pregnant not just a child still yourself. I don’t believe that every person who gets pregnant out of wedlock should give their child up for adoption nor should anyone be FORCED to do so.

Being an adopted infant i suppose i have a different perspective on this. I thank my birth mother every night in my prayers for doing what was truly an unselfish act of love and compassion. ANd i thank her for realizing that she couldn’t care for me on her own and that it would be unfair to raise me if she couldn’t provide for me.

I don’t get that the OP hasn’t shown compassion, in fact if anything i think that she has proably been too nice. I am only 29 so i don’t really have any advice as far as teens go, but i know from being one myself that if my parents had gotten rid of everything in my room, it would have given me a wakeup call quickly and i would think about how much they really do provide for me.

I would have your daughter volunter at a shelter for women and children and see if that can give her a perspective on what she has.

 

[Trinity07]

Never stop praying for your daughter, prayer is real. Your daughter sounds like she really needs to know that she is loved. She is really young to be a mom. However as you know there is nothing like seeing your newborn baby for the first time and that could be enough change her ways. I am a 23 year old mom of a 9 month old and I can tell you that although I am married and a little older than your daughter, I was just like any other college “kid” when I got pregnant. I was almost instantly a different person the moment I heard my daughter’s first cry. Now is not the time to kick her out with “tough love”. Your innocent grandchild will reap the consequences of her maybe being on the streets. Also when you see your grandchild I highly doubt that “I’m not raising anymore” will be your exact thought if that precious soul’s mother is not willing (or able) to give sufficient love and care. I think you should seek christian counseling as a family.

 

[moira]

For all the prayers we’ve been getting for my daughter, I want to say thank you all and further say that you all must have a pretty good line to Heaven because she talked to me today and wants to stay at home and has a job interview tomorrow and wants to take her GED test since she’s not in school.
She said she hasn’t ruled out adoption, she’s just not ready to make a final decision about it yet. I told her she didn’t have to and asked her if I call Catholic Charities would she talk to someone. She said she would.
She also told me that she’s sorry she screwed up her life and would God ever forgive her and maybe she should go to confession. I told her she hadn’t screwed it up, she’s taking a little detour. And things will work out. And whenever she’s ready, I’d take her to talk to Father.
I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m beginning to see a little light ahead.
My sweet girl is still in there somewhere and she’s fighting to come to the surface. So all of you with that direct line, please keep those prayers coming. We may get through this yet.

Moira

 

[Chovy]

Oh Moira. I’m so happy for you and for your daughter and grandchild. I will keep praying and I truly hope that everything works out as God has planned.

 

[Princess_Abby]

For all the prayers we’ve been getting for my daughter, I want to say thank you all and further say that you all must have a pretty good line to Heaven because she talked to me today and wants to stay at home and has a job interview tomorrow and wants to take her GED test since she’s not in school.
She said she hasn’t ruled out adoption, she’s just not ready to make a final decision about it yet. I told her she didn’t have to and asked her if I call Catholic Charities would she talk to someone. She said she would.
She also told me that she’s sorry she screwed up her life and would God ever forgive her and maybe she should go to confession. I told her she hadn’t screwed it up, she’s taking a little detour. And things will work out. And whenever she’s ready, I’d take her to talk to Father.
I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m beginning to see a little light ahead.
My sweet girl is still in there somewhere and she’s fighting to come to the surface. So all of you with that direct line, please keep those prayers coming. We may get through this yet.

Moira

I am so thrilled for you, and most especially for your daughter. I will keep your daughter in my prayers.

 

[Norseman82]

I know you aren’t prepared to raise another child, but in the event that your daughter refuses to take responsibility for her child after it is born, does your sister know of any way you can sue for custody, at least so the child will be raised in a more stable environment?

Then if it really does come down to kicking her out, you don’t have to worry about what will happen to the baby.

Moira,

To follow up on this, is it possible that your daughter could be on drugs and that could be what is affecting her behavior? If so, that might be another bit of legal leverage.

The only other thing I might add is to also keep the safety of your 12-year old and any other minors at home in mind when dealing with her. If she physically harms any minors in your house, calling the authorities may give you some legal leverage in forcing her to take her situation seriously. I know some may find it shocking, but it may give you the leverage in forcing her hand. Have you discussed this with your sister the attorney? (My impression of you is that you have thought a lot of things through already and if you are looking for validation, you have it from me).

 

[ReginaNova]

My husband and I have been where you are right now. I would like to make a suggestion and its one that someone gave us when we were faced with similar circumstances. First, stop telling her what she has to do in order to stay at your house. Do it for about a week or so and do everything you can to stay calm and non combative during that week. The next converstion you have should be about what she wants to do. Do not give her any suggestions and don’t make her give you any answers immediately. At the same time, you need to let her know what your bottom line is regarding her child. If you truly do not want to raise her child then you need to tell her that in a very calm manner. Tone of voice is everything when your parents are speaking to you and it doesn’t matter how old you are. I too, did not want to raise another chld and I felt it was important that my daughter raise the child if she chose to keep it. It hit us hard financially and spirtually. It meant me keeping my mouth shut at times for the “greater good”. She kept the baby, finished high school and went on to graduate from college. She did not live with us, nor did the baby. We helped her with the rent on the smallest one bedroom apt. on the planet. My husband and I knew we were pretty good parents and we had to give her permission to live her life and trust that she would come through her crazy, nasty behavior and remember the things we taught her. I can’t tell you how hard that last thing is to do. We had to just grit our teeth and just do it. That little baby boy is now 12 years old. He called Grandma yesterday to get an easy “scratch” cake recipe to make for his Mom’s birthday. He’s a good boy and she is a good Mom. You will get through this. I will remember your family in my prayers. Good Luck!

Did anyone notice this women’s experience? No one seems to have commented on it. Yet it seems like solid advice based on a similar circumstances.

 

[rayne89]

For all the prayers we’ve been getting for my daughter, I want to say thank you all and further say that you all must have a pretty good line to Heaven because she talked to me today and wants to stay at home and has a job interview tomorrow and wants to take her GED test since she’s not in school.
She said she hasn’t ruled out adoption, she’s just not ready to make a final decision about it yet. I told her she didn’t have to and asked her if I call Catholic Charities would she talk to someone. She said she would.
She also told me that she’s sorry she screwed up her life and would God ever forgive her and maybe she should go to confession. I told her she hadn’t screwed it up, she’s taking a little detour. And things will work out. And whenever she’s ready, I’d take her to talk to Father.
I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m beginning to see a little light ahead.
My sweet girl is still in there somewhere and she’s fighting to come to the surface. So all of you with that direct line, please keep those prayers coming. We may get through this yet.

Moira

That’s fantastic! I’ll keep praying. You’re sweet girl is in there, she’s just feeling lost and confused right now.

God Bless you for standing by her and giving her options. I am an adopted child, and even though I’m so greatful to my birthmom I truly hope she made her decision freely. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be pressured into giving up a child you wanted to keep.

Keep reaching out Moira and she will come back to you.

 

[francisca]

For all the prayers we’ve been getting for my daughter, I want to say thank you all and further say that you all must have a pretty good line to Heaven because she talked to me today and wants to stay at home and has a job interview tomorrow and wants to take her GED test since she’s not in school.
She said she hasn’t ruled out adoption, she’s just not ready to make a final decision about it yet. I told her she didn’t have to and asked her if I call Catholic Charities would she talk to someone. She said she would.
She also told me that she’s sorry she screwed up her life and would God ever forgive her and maybe she should go to confession. I told her she hadn’t screwed it up, she’s taking a little detour. And things will work out. And whenever she’s ready, I’d take her to talk to Father.
I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m beginning to see a little light ahead.
My sweet girl is still in there somewhere and she’s fighting to come to the surface. So all of you with that direct line, please keep those prayers coming. We may get through this yet.

Moira

Thank God Moira, praise The Lord. I’m very happy for you and your daughter and your grandchild.

I have no teen child, so I don’t have any advice for you. But reading katybird’s life story, I just want to say how small our perspective can be regarding God’s plan in our life.

Difficult situation can turn out to be the greatest blessing God has prepared for you and your daughter and your grandchild. I always remind myself this when I have to face difficult situation where I really do not know how to deal with.

Proffesional opinions, yours, others… these will not be able to change what God has prepared for you and your family since the begining. The child is not a mistake but a blessing God has planned. How I am filled with joyful thoughts after reading this thread.

God bless you and your daughter and your grandchild.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

With hindsight, getting pregnant as I did was a wake-up call I sorely needed. I don’t know which gutter I would by lying in now if I had continued my lifestyle at the time.
BF and I got off our butts, and worked hard to make it right.And God worked some great miracles for us.
Sitting at the end of the street, 16 weeks pregnant, we had reached rock bottom, we had nothing ourselves, let alone anything for this child,we just didn’t know what to do. MIL came out of the house saying BF had a phone call-by an absolute miracle, someone had dropped out of a job, and could he start tommorrow.
We managed to buy our own house for £21000. That was a miracle, as you just don’t get houses at that price.
We got married when she was 18 mos old.

 

[stayathomemom]

For all the prayers we’ve been getting for my daughter, I want to say thank you all and further say that you all must have a pretty good line to Heaven because she talked to me today and wants to stay at home and has a job interview tomorrow and wants to take her GED test since she’s not in school.
She said she hasn’t ruled out adoption, she’s just not ready to make a final decision about it yet. I told her she didn’t have to and asked her if I call Catholic Charities would she talk to someone. She said she would.
She also told me that she’s sorry she screwed up her life and would God ever forgive her and maybe she should go to confession. I told her she hadn’t screwed it up, she’s taking a little detour. And things will work out. And whenever she’s ready, I’d take her to talk to Father.
I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m beginning to see a little light ahead.
My sweet girl is still in there somewhere and she’s fighting to come to the surface. So all of you with that direct line, please keep those prayers coming. We may get through this yet.

Moira

This is wonderful news! I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

 

[deb216]

For all the prayers we’ve been getting for my daughter, I want to say thank you all and further say that you all must have a pretty good line to Heaven because she talked to me today and wants to stay at home and has a job interview tomorrow and wants to take her GED test since she’s not in school.
She said she hasn’t ruled out adoption, she’s just not ready to make a final decision about it yet. I told her she didn’t have to and asked her if I call Catholic Charities would she talk to someone. She said she would.
She also told me that she’s sorry she screwed up her life and would God ever forgive her and maybe she should go to confession. I told her she hadn’t screwed it up, she’s taking a little detour. And things will work out. And whenever she’s ready, I’d take her to talk to Father.
I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m beginning to see a little light ahead.
My sweet girl is still in there somewhere and she’s fighting to come to the surface. So all of you with that direct line, please keep those prayers coming. We may get through this yet.

Moira

God Bless you both. You still have a long journey ahead but hopefully you can make it together, whatever is decided.

 

[Robaynne]

I have not been around to reply to this thread. Moira I am happy that you and your daughter are working things out and I wish you all the best.

Sorry to ask but no mention has been made about the father of the baby. Have you and the parents not sat down and discussed this issue. What if your daughter decides that she wants to keep the baby and not give it up. I know that you do not want the responsibility of taking care of a baby. But at the end of the day it is her baby and your grandchild. And there are decisions that need to be made about the baby. If she decides to keep the baby would the father be giving financial support.Is adoption the only way is there not a alternative arrangement. It is not easy been a single parent I know that. But they are my babies and I would not trade them for anything in the world.

Giving up a child is not easy. I had a very good friend in school who had a child when she was about 17 years old and she gave it up for adoption. She has not gotten over it up until today. Her parents did not like the guy as they were from different race groups. Her parents did not know she was pregnant she hid it away from them until the end when they had to take her to hospital. She had no choice but to give the baby up. She and the guy ended up getting married and regretted giving the baby up she missed her baby so much but it was to late there was nothing she could do. The worst part is that she cannot have any kids they have been trying for years now without any luck.

Your daughter has alot of decisions to make especially about her life. She is an adult now and not a child. Yes, she has issues that she needs to deal with but she should deal with it not take it out on her family. She seems to be very angry with everybody. And do not blame yourself for her actions. You teach your children what is right and wrong and she made her own choices not you or your husband. But do not push her into a corner whereby she will make a decision that she will regret and blame you.

All you can do is support her and pray for her. And she needs to respect you and your husband and your home. Treat her like adult not a child because she is not that anymore. Tell her in nice way that she is living under your roof and needs to abide by your rules if she does not like it then she can leave. She needs to sort herself out and decide what she is going to do with her life. She is not a teenager anymore but a grown up. As she has been acting that way all this time and you will treat her like an adult. She made bad choices in life that she needs to deal with. You love her and care for her but you are not prepared to except any bad behaviour from her. And your home is not a hotel she needs to pull her weight if she is going to continue staying in your house.

But at the end of the day people can give you all kinds of advice but what you do with it is your choice. I will keep your family in my prayers but goodluck and I hope and pray that things work out.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I have sons. One is in high school… My husband and I have already determined the course of action we will take in the event that it does happen. I figure it is like having an emergency plan. The time to worry about what you will eat and drink after an earthquake is not when you are standing in the rubble. We have discussed this plan with our sons so that they are perfectly aware of what will happen. That way there is no confusion. I don’t make decision based on emotions.

We have seven-year-old twin sons. This is so excellent! I’m definitely saving it. Thank you!

I know a lady with two sons in college and two in high school who got a call from a woman who did not identify herself but who met my mother’s answer of the phone with “Mrs. X? Do you know what your son did to my daughter?!?”

The son–it turned out to be one of the boys still in high school–had slammed a locker on the girl’s hand, nearly breaking a finger, because she had written on his jacket in indelible ink. The mother receiving the call was nevertheless thankful. When getting news like that is a relief, you know you live in an “earthquake zone.”

From this thread, I can see that just as every earthquake is different, every crisis pregnancy is different. The main thing seems to be to prepare as best as you can, keep your head if it happens to you, remember your priorities, roll your sleeves up, do your best, and depend on God to make up the difference.

For those who make the decision, it is a choice, of course, and not a disaster. For everyone, though, it is a force of nature that remakes the landscape as they have known it.

Moira, it is wonderful news that your daughter is ready to come back. You and she will be in my prayers, and all like you.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Did anyone notice this women’s experience? No one seems to have commented on it. Yet it seems like solid advice based on a similar circumstances.

I agree with Regina about Holland’s quote. There has been a lot extreme advice on this thread that might work in some situations, but when a baby is in the picture, everything changes.

The most important thing any parent of a teenager can do besides pray is listen. Taking time to listen, whether that be going on a walk, have a meal at a restaurant, whatever it takes to be alone together tells your teenager that you are there for them. I truly believe that any teen will ultimately restore their relationship with their parents if that teen believes that their parents are there for them. Listening is critical. I am constantly amazed that for the most part, the vast majority of people just don’t slow down enough to listen to each other.

 

[francisca]

You really have to try to exhaust all your option. Contact the Catholic Charities in your diocese first thing tomorrow morning. They are equiped to counsel your daughter not only for her anger but also for her pregnancy. Your daughter may also have a psychological or mood disorder that may have been minor, but that the pregnancy may have brought out in a major troubling way. I have bipolar family and when the women were pregnant, they acted very similar to how you described your daughter. The issues may be deeper than your family realizes. Don’t abandon her in her time of need.

This is so very true.

Moira, I ve been thinking about this thread all night before I went to sleep, and the first thing I woke up this morning.

You and your daughter were upset and unprepared. But as you are hopeful, surely things will get better. Just hold on to this hope each day, and decide not according to the upsetting situation, but according to what you and your daughter really believe in. Believe that our God is strong and His will, although we do not understand it rightnow, is something the best for you and your daughter and your grandchild. Surely God has prepared everything for it even before it was in your daughter’s womb. Please keep God’s peace in your household, thus His work will unfold and you and your family will reap His blessings as He has planned.