Unmarried 17 yr. old daughter pregnant

[moira]

Imagine how hurtful this comment must be to the OP. Yes, Abby made some good points, but I think it was a low blow to question the parenting abilities to a mother who is so obviously struggling to find the right path for the future. There’s nothing that can be done about the past. I think it’s very easy to have all the answers about parenting when your children are young. The real challenges come when they reach those teenage years.

Moira, I pray that you can find the strength to do what is best for your family.

Thanks, Baby Sister. And nothing seems to be more challenging than the teen years. What’s that saying? Oh yeah…Walk a mile in my shoes.

 

[WenckebachCath]

Thanks, Baby Sister. And nothing seems to be more challenging than the teen years. What’s that saying? Oh yeah…Walk a mile in my shoes.

I have been following this thread for some time. Let me preface this by saying that I am a very seasoned mother, and some of my children are now adults. Even I, as a very experience mother have withheld comment. This is for the simple reason that I have not faced this challenge. Yes, I have dealt with teens and managed to muddle my way through some of the unpredictable challanges, but for one reason or another, I’ve never had a seriously rebellious child.

I’m therefore rather amused at the pronouncements of some mothers here who are still negotiating the travails of infancy, and have as yet to have successfully cross the hurdle of toilet training, to be making pronouncements as to the cause, and possible course of action that Moira should take in this upsetting situation.

I was a La Leche leader for many years, and am still actively involved in this wonderful organization. I encountered this attitude many times in new mothers, full of enthusiasm and fervor for parenting, yet total beginners, with very little real credibility due to simply lacking experience. And let me tell you, the longer you are a parent, the more humble you become. The vocation of parenthood is an excellent aide to bring us closer to God through trial by fire.

Miora, although I have no specific answer for you, I side with those who recommend the tough love approach as the first tactic to use in the immediate crisis you face. God Bless you, you will survive!

 

[deb216]

For whatever reason, Moira, this point in your daughter’s life is part of a greater journey. Everything has brought her to where she is right now. Everything she will be in the future depends on where this path takes her. All you can do is decide whether to lead, follow or send her on her way.

I have sons. One is in high school. We know several teenagers who became parents. We have seen how their parents addressed the problem. Because we believe in open and honest communication, we have talked to our sons about these situations. There are lessons to be learned.

I could list many things that I think my friends did wrong with their children but it is easy to judge. I am not immersed with all of the pain and stress they faced. It isn’t my child’s life on the line and hopefully it never will be.

However, we can learn from other people’s mistakes. My husband and I have already determined the course of action we will take in the event that it does happen. I figure it is like having an emergency plan. The time to worry about what you will eat and drink after an earthquake is not when you are standing in the rubble. We have discussed this plan with our sons so that they are perfectly aware of what will happen. That way there is no confusion. I don’t make decision based on emotions.

This is our emergency plan.

1. Our children are our responsibility until they are legally adults, even if they become parents. In the event of an unplanned pregnancy, we will continue to provide for their care. My sons know that they will not be allowed to get married, move out or run away to someone with more sympathy than sense. They will still have a curfew and chores. They will still have to obey our rules. They will still have to do their homework and work towards their future. They will still be treated as the minors they are.
2. Life as they know it will be over. The day my son decides that he is man enough to be a father is the day he accepts financial responsibility for that new life. I will not allow him to abdicate that responsibility to me, the government or anyone else. He will immediately have to quit all extracurricular activities to get a job.

The income from that job will be divided as follows.

20% will be given to the mother of his child to spend as she sees fit, paid by cashier’s check so that there is never any confusion about whether or not he is honoring his financial obligations.

10% will continue to be set aside for tithes.

10% will continue to be set aside for his savings.

10% will have to be set aside for his child’s savings.

The remaining 50% will be his to spend on car insurance, gas and miscellaneous expenses. He will not have to pay rent or utilities because providing that is my job.

1. His child is welcome to live with us, but not the child’s mother. He is not an adult. He will not be allowed to marry. He is not a child. Playing house is not an option. Whatever custody arrangments made will be written up and signed by a judge. It would be in my child’s and grandchild’s best interest to not leave important issues up to fate.
2. My son will assume responsibility for 100% of his child’s physical care when they are together. That means my son will clothe it, feed it, burp it, change it, play with it, teach it and put it to bed. He will wake up with it, even when he is too tired to think straight. That is what a parent does. As a grandparent, I reserve the right to clothe, feed, burp, change and play with the baby as I choose… not because I have to but because I want to. If it is necessary for me to become a caretaker while the parents are working or going to school, I will be paid for my services. It is not about the money. It is about the life lesson.
3. If my son cannot provide what his child needs, he will have to sell his possessions to generate the income. If only one of them can have nice things, it will be the baby.
4. Quitting school is not an option. We will still help him with college or trade school as long as he pursues it earnestly.
5. If he is not ready to be a parent then adoption is the honorable decision.

This is the path that will keep my child going in the right direction. If he chooses to go a different way, he goes alone. Helping him to ruin his life would be the same as helping him to end it. I can’t do that.

Like most emergency plans, I am hoping we never have to use it. The important part is that everyone understands their part.

Make a plan, Moira. Keep your eyes on the future, not the past. Make sure your daughter knows what you will and will not do to help her once she is a mother. She needs to make her decisions based on facts, not fantasy. Do not tolerate verbal abuse. Do not be a softie. Too many lives rest on the decisions you make right now.

 

[stayathomemom]

I was a La Leche leader for many years, and am still actively involved in this wonderful organization. I encountered this attitude many times in new mothers, full of enthusiasm and fervor for parenting, yet total beginners, with very little real credibility due to simply lacking experience. And let me tell you, the longer you are a parent, the more humble you become. The vocation of parenthood is an excellent aide to bring us closer to God through trial by fire.

While I respect your opinion since you are entitled to your own, I do take a little offense to this part. Neither myself nor any other mother on this forum claimed to have all of the answers as stated by Baby Sister. No, Abby doesn’t have a grown child (and neither do I), but experienced mother or not - she gave some good advice – and that was that this situation needs professional help – bottom line.

At this point, I am not sure if the OP started this thread for support and a need to vent or for advice, but it seems like the best advice on here is the advice she doesn’t want to hear.

If you didn’t want a rookie opinion from an unseasoned mother, maybe you should just retitle your thread so that we stay away.

 

[moira]

While I respect your opinion since you are entitled to your own, I do take a little offense to this part. Neither myself nor any other mother on this forum claimed to have all of the answers as stated by Baby Sister. No, Abby doesn’t have a grown child (and neither do I), but experienced mother or not - she gave some good advice – and that was that this situation needs professional help – bottom line.

At this point, I am not sure if the OP started this thread for support and a need to vent or for advice, but it seems like the best advice on here is the advice she doesn’t want to hear.

If you didn’t want a rookie opinion from an unseasoned mother, maybe you should just retitle your thread so that we stay away.

I started this thread for support, venting and advice, I suppose. But this (“BTW, I just want to add that 17 year olds do not just wake up one day as jobless high school dropouts with foul language, smart mouths, lacking respect for authority, rampant sexual promiscuity, zero boundaries, poor choice-making skills, anger problems, no goals, etc. This was a train that derailed a long time ago and is culminating in the situation you have before you now. It’s time to fix a root problem that began a long time ago. Please get PROFESSIONAL help.”) is not advice. It is an attack on my parenting. Thanks much. I’ll leave you all to discuss it without me.

 

[rayne89]

No, Abby doesn’t have a grown child (and neither do I), but experienced mother or not - she gave some good advice – and that was that this situation needs professional help – bottom line.

Abby does have a master’s degree in clinical pyschology and worked as a behavioral therapist(as she has stated on previous threads). So I think that counts for something.

 

[stayathomemom]

Abby does have a master’s degree in clinical pyschology and worked as a behavioral therapist(as she has stated on previous threads). So I think that counts for something.

I think it counts for something too!

 

[Princess_Abby]

Moira, I’m sorry to hear you felt my last paragraph was an attack on your parenting. It wasn’t meant as an attack whatsoever, but as a point of consideration for you to think about in terms of what has gotten your daughter to this point. These situations rarely arise out of nowhere, and you described several culminating factors that might have been red flags along the way. Being that you have your daughter’s best interest at heart, and seeing how many posters were advocating plans which would most likely alienate your daughter, I wanted to reinforce how helpful a professional might be in this situation–to look at your daughter’s history in terms of dropping out of school, losing any interest in her future, not maintaining any employment, lounging around the house with a confused sense of entitlement, leaving for days at a time, returning and creating uproar, etc. A professional will help you with setting boundaries in the here, now and future so that this situation does not repeat itself.

God bless you and good luck in obtaining the help you need for you and your family.

 

[Holland]

My husband and I have been where you are right now. I would like to make a suggestion and its one that someone gave us when we were faced with similar circumstances. First, stop telling her what she has to do in order to stay at your house. Do it for about a week or so and do everything you can to stay calm and non combative during that week. The next converstion you have should be about what she wants to do. Do not give her any suggestions and don’t make her give you any answers immediately. At the same time, you need to let her know what your bottom line is regarding her child. If you truly do not want to raise her child then you need to tell her that in a very calm manner. Tone of voice is everything when your parents are speaking to you and it doesn’t matter how old you are. I too, did not want to raise another chld and I felt it was important that my daughter raise the child if she chose to keep it. It hit us hard financially and spirtually. It meant me keeping my mouth shut at times for the “greater good”. She kept the baby, finished high school and went on to graduate from college. She did not live with us, nor did the baby. We helped her with the rent on the smallest one bedroom apt. on the planet. My husband and I knew we were pretty good parents and we had to give her permission to live her life and trust that she would come through her crazy, nasty behavior and remember the things we taught her. I can’t tell you how hard that last thing is to do. We had to just grit our teeth and just do it. That little baby boy is now 12 years old. He called Grandma yesterday to get an easy “scratch” cake recipe to make for his Mom’s birthday. He’s a good boy and she is a good Mom. You will get through this. I will remember your family in my prayers. Good Luck!

 

[Jay2]

“Deb216”… you have got your act together! I have yet to read/hear a more concise & rational course of action to such a difficult problem.

You maintain your status as a parent & provider - but with the needed “tough love” covenants. Your child and grandchild will have back-up, but ONLY when absolutely necessary.

My Dad always spouted off one of his favorite sayings when I did something “dumb”…

“If you dance, you have to pay the fiddler”. Now I know what he meant… he just couldn’t put it in more eloquent words.

 

[Julianna]

I second that Jay! Deb216 you’ve got a plan.

The hardest part…is “sticking” to it. I have read the psycho babble on here which boils down to “self esteem”…at this point…who cares about the little “princess’”, self esteem. She is not the “center” of the universe. I am an avid John Rosamund reader…and it was Dr. Laura Schlessinger who advocates the stripping down of the bedroom. Great idea. It worked for my “little princess”. She got tired of sleeping on smelly old couches at her “friends” houses. She missed her big four poster bed, with fresh smelling sheets…and dad’s pancake breakfasts every Saturday morning. Yeah, they wake up real fast, when mom and dad aren’t around.

and Princess Abby…stripping down the bedroom will give her a reality check in that her mother and father have “provided” for her…and that she “OWNS NOTHING”, but the clothes on her back. The molly-coddling is over. There are other people in this family that this little tyrant is trying to drag down in the muck.

The OP is a wreck and needs help. I totally agree with the professional help…for her and her husband. Do not engage in dialog with daughter. When her dad and I stopped talking to her, we felt a whole lot better.

Oh, absolutely, she didn’t become a nightmare overnight…it was her counselor that made me see that action needed to be taken in the “present”…and to focus on the baby and what is best for him. I also told her, just as Deb216 put it, you will be “responsible” for all of it…no free babysitting.

OP…if you are still reading…PM me…and vent to your hearts content. Today is a new day…

 

[moira]

Moira, I’m sorry to hear you felt my last paragraph was an attack on your parenting. It wasn’t meant as an attack whatsoever, but as a point of consideration for you to think about in terms of what has gotten your daughter to this point. These situations rarely arise out of nowhere, and you described several culminating factors that might have been red flags along the way. Being that you have your daughter’s best interest at heart, and seeing how many posters were advocating plans which would most likely alienate your daughter, I wanted to reinforce how helpful a professional might be in this situation–to look at your daughter’s history in terms of dropping out of school, losing any interest in her future, not maintaining any employment, lounging around the house with a confused sense of entitlement, leaving for days at a time, returning and creating uproar, etc. A professional will help you with setting boundaries in the here, now and future so that this situation does not repeat itself.

God bless you and good luck in obtaining the help you need for you and your family.

Thanks for clarifying. I guess I’m a little sensitive and frazzled right now.

 

[Julianna]

*You can set boundaries and hold her accountable without having to kick her out. You can enlist help without alienating your daughter. You can teach her without terrorizing her.
*

You can’t set boundaries for a disrespectful child who willingly reeks chaos over the entire household. She’ll just laugh in your face. Kicking her out is follow-through when Plan A, (rules, talking) doesn’t work. Why should the rest of the family have to put up with this nonsense. You seem to be concerned about terrorizing her…but it’s ok for her to terrorize her mother. Not happening. This is the real world, and this kiddo needs a heavy duty dose of it.

The daughter alienating herself from the moment she decided to have sex, do drugs and disrespect her parents…all bets are off the table. She wants to be grown…yeah, ok…be careful what you wish for.

You can’t raise kids out of a book. It’s like Marines…you are in muck up to your neck and leeches are sucking at your toes. No time to negotiate.

 

[LittleRose]

…my sister, an attorney, …

I know you aren’t prepared to raise another child, but in the event that your daughter refuses to take responsibility for her child after it is born, does your sister know of any way you can sue for custody, at least so the child will be raised in a more stable environment?

Then if it really does come down to kicking her out, you don’t have to worry about what will happen to the baby.

 

[hasikelee]

*You can set boundaries and hold her accountable without having to kick her out. You can enlist help without alienating your daughter. You can teach her without terrorizing her. *

You can’t set boundaries for a disrespectful child who willingly reeks chaos over the entire household. She’ll just laugh in your face. Kicking her out is follow-through when Plan A, (rules, talking) doesn’t work. Why should the rest of the family have to put up with this nonsense. You seem to be concerned about terrorizing her…but it’s ok for her to terrorize her mother. Not happening. This is the real world, and this kiddo needs a heavy duty dose of it.

The daughter alienating herself from the moment she decided to have sex, do drugs and disrespect her parents…all bets are off the table. She wants to be grown…yeah, ok…be careful what you wish for.

You can’t raise kids out of a book. It’s like Marines…you are in muck up to your neck and leeches are sucking at your toes. No time to negotiate.

The things you recommended may be appropriate in situations when the teenager is directly harming other family members, but in all the women I have seen and/or helped at the center over here, there has never been a time when they respond positively in ANY way at all to anything you posted.

Alienation and cruelty rarely brings out the best in people. The OP’s daughter is presenting several symptoms of deperession and past trauma. This is something that goes beyond any speculation we can offer on a thread. The daughter is hurting and lashing out. She is confused, scared and her mom probably feels the same way. An unbiased, person to person meeting is truly needed to begin a plan of action!

 

[rayne89]

I have read the psycho babble on here which boils down to “self esteem”…at this point…who cares about the little “princess’”, self esteem.

and Princess Abby…stripping down the bedroom will give her a reality check in that her mother and father have “provided” for her…and that she “OWNS NOTHING”, but the clothes on her back. The molly-coddling is over. There are other people in this family that this little tyrant is trying to drag down in the muck.

Do not engage in dialog with daughter. When her dad and I stopped talking to her, we felt a whole lot better.

My daughter may not be a teen just yet (but fast approaching) but I remember being one. I’m 34 now but my memories of my teen years are quite crystal clear because of a volatile family situation that spiralled out of control. When I finally was at the end of my rope and went to my parents with a pyschologists phone number I got from the school counselor. I went by myself to counseling. My mother refused to participate in family counseling because I was the one that needed to be “fixed”.
Was I rebellious? Absolutely I was, I gave my parents hell. But there were underlying family issues that needed to be addressed and my parents refused to take any responsibilty for our family problems. I became severely depressed, contemplated sucide.

Thank God when I was at my lowest at the age of 16, God place a 17 year old boy in my life who also happened to come from a disfunctional home. He was the only thing that kept me going. I was an emotional train wreck and started having panic attacks.I had to get out of my house. I graduated, boyfriend joined the Navy and we got married.

That was almost 16 years ago, it was hard and we had struggles but we have also been very blessed. About 10 years ago I tried to go to counseling with my mom to help improve our relationship. But it was the same thing as before I was the one with the problems that needed to be fixed. I know what it’s like to have a parent that speaks with such contempt when referring to their own child. I know what it’s like to be hurting and depressed. Even though things were so bad my one refuge was my bedroom. If my parents would have stripped it probably would have pushed me over the edge.

My memories still linger but I’ve made peace with my situation. I get along ok with my parents and I love them very much. But things could have been different if my parents would have gotten help.

I know what it’s like to feel as if your parents hate you. As an adult I realize my parents didn’t hate me but as a teen my perspective was very different. On another thread when you spoke about your daughter you said she comes and hugs you now and tells you she loves you. I do that with my mom too, but that doesn’t make the things she did ok. And it doesn’t mean I love her because of what she did. I love her despite of what she did because she’s my mom.

Neither one of us know the personal dynamics of this family situation that is why I recommended professional help. I think what you recommend could make a bad situation worse.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I was a teenager who yelled at her parents, and got pregnant at 17.
In my case, I suffered for years from depression, and still do, but it was not recognised. I was just “bad”.
Also a lot of my anger at the time was a reflection of my own shame and worry.

I could cry when I think about how obnoxious I was to my mother, and yet I don’t ever remember her raising her voice to me. I know she prayed for me, and got others praying for me.

Love her, pray for her, and hopefully one day she will want to sort her own life out.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I’m sure I’ve done some things wrong with her, but this part of the post makes me feel like a complete failure. I’m starting to wish I never started this thread.

Abby and the other posters are very right. This is *not *about assessing who is to blame. That is the first thing we want to do in any crisis, and usually the very last thing that needs doing. Neither is this a problem that is going to go away simply by getting tough and putting your foot down. Chances are, it never was.

What difference does it make who, if anyone, needs to be blamed over this? What is done cannot be undone. I don’t know your family, but I’m guessing you all have your faults.

Whenever I read the story about the Finding in the Temple, I like to think, though, that even in a family with two perfect people and a saint, there are misunderstandings. Yes, even Jesus had his parents frantic with worry once! This is what happens when children approach adulthood.

Please do not look at a need for professional help as an admission of failure. If your daughter had leukemia, would needing an oncologist make your or your pediatrician a failure? No, it would make you both prudent.

God did not set up the Bodies of Christ. We are one Body, and that means we need each other. Every once in awhile, we get a stern reminder that we cannot do it alone. Your daughter (probably daughters) and you need some help to get through this in the most faithful and profitable way possible. Please get that help, without delay.

 

[Island_Oak]

This is our emergency plan…

Like most emergency plans, I am hoping we never have to use it. The important part is that everyone understands their part.

Make a plan, Moira. Keep your eyes on the future, not the past. Make sure your daughter knows what you will and will not do to help her once she is a mother. She needs to make her decisions based on facts, not fantasy. Do not tolerate verbal abuse. Do not be a softie. Too many lives rest on the decisions you make right now.

It’s been a couple days since I checked this thread…Wow…what a post…I’m printing off a copy for myself to reference and discuss with my own kids. (let me know if I’m violating any intellectual property claims or copyright laws in doing so!) Kudos! :bowdown:

 

[Cupofkindness]

Moira:

As the mother of three teens, I want to say for the record that I’ve known many faithful, loving mothers who pray daily and receive sacraments frequently can have children who’s live fall apart. And the mother never saw it coming. You are not alone.

The world is a trecherous, deadly place to be for children. Teens are blasted with countless messages that aim to destroy their souls, their bodies and their hearts…so much that raising a teen has become the most demanding occupation on Earth. The pressure faced by teens is overwhelming, to say the least.

The teenage brain is so complicated and yet so simple, the only way to really, really discern what is happening is to pray and to listen and show signs of love whenever you can. Teenagers long to tell their parents what is happening, it takes a while to get to a place to listen. Pray and listen. I disagree with a hard line approach, but I’m no expert. An pro-life OB/Gyn with lots of experience with teen mothers would be a good place to begin. I’m praying for you Moira.