Unwanted inappropriate MIL advice

[kage_ar]

Very much suggest you sit her down and also explain a couple of other Catholic things to her now to her that her future grandchildren will:

Be baptized shortly after they are born.

Go to Mass on Holy Days of Obligation. That means Christmas you the kids will be going to Mass. It means Easter, you and the kids will be going to Mass - and while you are talking about Easter, your kids will not be going to Easter Egg hunts or other party like things on Good Friday and Holy Saturday.

Better explain Lent now, too.

I promiese you, these will be issues with her in the future.

Mixed marriages are very difficult, because you will have to lovingly handle teaching not only your non-Catholic spouse but the entire non-Catholic family.

 

[jwashu]

Talk about forcing beliefs on other people. Your future MIL is pretty gutsy bringing that up before you’re even married. I discovered (through my own MIL) that some rude people who used contraception think they can continue to plan their families extending down to the number of grandchildren.

Yes, that woman could be your children’s grandmother.
Genetics are a strange thing–you may end up with a child just like her. Are you sure you want to marry her son?

Princess, don’t be too worried about the above statements. Her type of behavior is more learned than genetic… many people have the “potential” to be this way, they have just learned that is it not the appropriate way to act.

However I will say that I know a number of “good” Baptist preachers wives who feel it’s perfectly permissible to stick their nose into everyone’s business and then talk about them behind their back. It has to do with the fundamentalist mindset than many Evangelicals have… it’s how they have been raised and what they are taught every Sunday. It’s good that your PC didn’t listen too well

Yet one of the above posters fathers is another prime example. In the fundamentalist mindset, everyone… and I mean EVERYONE, who does not believe exactly like they do is wrong. Nevermind that their thoughts and their whole theological outlook is only about 200 years old, they have been taught it’s 2000 years old. Anyone who actually cracks a history book can disprove these theories but Fundamentalism is so popular because people don’t want to think. They want to be lead and told exactly what to do… and that is usually 1 mans or women’s interpretation. It’s truly sad but that’s the truth. Theological fundamentalism often, but not always, leads to other fundamentalist ideas as well in regards to politics, race, human rights etc… just be careful with his family.

He sounds like he’s a winner himself though

Joe

 

[Princess18]

I need to go calm down… Holy Moses, I cannot imagine putting up with that for even a second.

You and me both, friend. Every time we go up there or I have to deal with her about something I come down with a short-lived intestinal bug which keeps me in the bathroom. I was “stricken” all last Sunday while we were up there, so much so that I missed Mass (grrr). Her shenanigans are costing us a fortune in toilet paper.

I discovered (through my own MIL) that some rude people who used contraception think they can continue to plan their families extending down to the number of grandchildren … Are you sure you want to marry her son?

Yes, in the two years we’ve been together his mother is his only flaw. He’s a keeper. The funny thing about all of this is that I am widely known amongst friends and family as being a bit of a b*tch and not taking any baloney off of anyone. I’m tolerating all of this because I know what it’s like to be on the other side, to be in the family that intensely dislikes who the son is with (my brothers brought home more than a few gems) - it makes every family gathering uncomfortable and unenjoyable. I don’t want to be that girl if at all possible.

That being said, I don’t intend to endure this forever. I understand there is an adjustment period as people get to know each other and it’s been a year so the real her is just now starting to show. I’ve made it very clear to him that I try to avoid confrontation lately because I never know what might pop out of my mouth if she chaps me enough. He fully understands that he needs to (attempt to) nip each incident in the bud … otherwise I can’t promise I’ll be nice. Furthermore, if she ever said ugly things about my future kids, I really would lose it. Her ears would be stinging for a week and he knows full well I am not kidding when I promise that.

OP–when she asked if you were “tested for STDs” you should have handed her a q-tip and asked if she would help you out. Sorry but that was just a w-e-i-r-d comment for a MIL to make!

Alas, her verbal diarrhea knows no bounds. She has comments about everything, most of them inappropriate. These were just the cream of the crop that really fired me up.

** Liberanosamalo and kage_ar, excellent points, thank you both.

Princess, don’t be too worried about the above statements. Her type of behavior is more learned than genetic… many people have the “potential” to be this way, they have just learned that is it not the appropriate way to act.

Thank you, no worries, I’m not. He grew up in her household and still ended up on the complete other side of the spectrum as far as personality goes. Although he looks exactly like his dad, he maintains he was left on their doorstep by gypsies, aliens, or something. I don’t see how they could even share genes.

Many thanks again to you all for the posts, support, and advice. For a bit there I was beginning to think I was overreacting to her commentary.

 

[masondoggy]

I think the most important issue here is how your fiance reacted when you told him what his mom did. Did he attempt to explain her actions, justify her actions, make excuses? Or was he genuinely angry at what she did? Marriages survive all of the time with crazy, nasty MIL’s but they also break up all the time due to hubby’s refusing to stand up to their mothers. Are you sure this man will stand up to her if you marry him? Will he be willing to cut contact with her if things get so bad that your marriage is on the line? You MUST be sure before you go through with this wedding. If your not sure yet, postpone the wedding until this can be worked out. You certainly do NOT want to bring kids into a battle zone.

And in the future, stay at a hotel when you go visit the in-laws. Do not stay in her home again.

Good luck.

 

[Princess18]

I think the most important issue here is how your fiance reacted when you told him what his mom did. Did he attempt to explain her actions, justify her actions, make excuses? Or was he genuinely angry at what she did? Marriages survive all of the time with crazy, nasty MIL’s but they also break up all the time due to hubby’s refusing to stand up to their mothers. Are you sure this man will stand up to her if you marry him? Will he be willing to cut contact with her if things get so bad that your marriage is on the line?

Excellent point. The extent of his justifying is “I told you she was annoying, you sure you want to marry me?”, so that’s not an issue. He gets very angry and usually calls her the minute he knows I am upset - she never says any of this in front of him, of course. He’s spent most of his adult life not visiting or talking to her as much as he can get away with - doesn’t return phone calls, emails etc, which hurts her feelings. Now that I am in the picture with a wedding coming up and potential grandchildren in the picture, we see them more but FH does his best to limit this by keeping visits short, etc. He’d probably cut off contact if I asked him to, but I can’t ask him that (yet) in good conscience.

The part that makes it hard is that in her mind she’s not bossy, she’s helpful. She genuinely believe she’s doing us a huge favor by trying to plan and book our honeymoon (so we won’t have to do it, and it’s cheaper this way) and telling us how to register for wedding gifts (Walmart, for stuff we don’t want, so we can purposefully return it and buy groceries … saves money!), how to keep from having too many expensive, demanding, children … you get the idea. She’s not trying to be malicious, she’s trying to be a helpful, good mother. So for me to say, before we are even married “that’s it, we’re not talking to you any more” is a bit harsh considering NO ONE has ever tried to reign her in before. Why am I complaining now when she’s been acting this way for 30+ years? I feel that I have to give her many many chances to modify her behavior (as many as my sanity will allow) before FH tells her to buzz off permanently.

I know I’m not the only one, and I’m certainly not the first one to encounter this. I’m also pretty confident that there are more “helpful” MILs than her. Keep the stories coming, please.

Thanks everybody.

 

[Carjack1]

I think the way that you and your husband are handling the situation is adequate. The way that your husband and yourself handle your family situation is between you, him, and God. There should be no other person in the equation. If diplomacy doesn’t work with her, you need to tell her that I do not appreciate your INTRUSION and I think that you are being RUDE and this behavior will not be TOLERATED.

 

[shannyk]

You know, all these MIL in law threads, and each one gets worse and worse.

What is GOING ON with these women!!!

Is this disgusting, manipulative, controlling behavior some kind of middle age epidemic? I just don’t GET IT!!! Where does a grown WOMAN get off acting like a SPOILED BRAT???

It’s truly perplexing i think the CDC should do some kind of round up of these women and study them for the public good.

princess, princess, princess, girl I FEEL for you, really I do. I wish I had had CAF when I got married because my mother in law was then and is now a plague on my life, and her son, my husband is deceased.

The best advice I can offer is MOVE FAR FAR FAR AWAY?? I hear New Zealand is beautiful

 

[Princess18]

What is GOING ON with these women!!!

Is this disgusting, manipulative, controlling behavior some kind of middle age epidemic? I just don’t GET IT!!! Where does a grown WOMAN get off acting like a SPOILED BRAT???

Well, I’d tell you my opinion but I tend to tick off the feminists on the board when I do that. She’s a true product of her generation. Men = inept and stupid.

On their wedding anniversary she told me that the secret to her 30+ year marriage is that her husband does as he’s told. I don’t doubt that, but thirty years of him not telling her no has led her to believe that she can tell the rest of the world what to do, including the other man in her life, her son.

 

[shannyk]

On their wedding anniversary she told me that the secret to her 30+ year marriage is that her husband does as he’s told. I don’t doubt that, but thirty years of him not telling her no has led her to believe that she can tell the rest of the world what to do, including the other man in her life, her son.

Oh My LORDY ABOVE!!! What a horror story!

Princess, please do not take this woman’s meddling lightly now, as you will be regretting it for the rest of your life if you do not, with FH’s lead make the boundaries clear NOW. As clear as a barbed wire fence.

This woman has told you and shown you exactly who she is and what she’s about, and her influence will be a toxic influence on your married life, children, the works. Who is it that always says when a person tells you who they are, listen to them…that’s what you need to do. The woman is not going to change and you aren’t going to change her (which I’m sure you already know). You have to do what you have to do to make your marriage work. I can only hope for you that your FH is willing to do what it takes, because it can be very hard for sons to stand up to their mother’s.

 

[Appleby]

I had a prospective father in law who eventually drove a wedge between me and his son with this kind of insulting behaviour. His son left home when we broke up and they do not talk about him anymore. (He was their only child.) I told him that if he let his father pick his wife, one day his father would run off with her. His mother continues friendly with me. She could not stand up to her husband as she is a dependent kind of woman. The son was, I am afraid, spineless.

The odd and to me extremely satisfying thing about it is that every curse the man hurled at me has rebounded onto him. He is my age and is suffering his third bout of cancer, is seriously overweight, and is a drain and a burden on his wife who also has elderly parents dependent upon her. If he had treated me with civility, they would have me to help them now. Alas. And serve him right. I send his mother photos of me and my boys and my grandson.

I am embarrassed to admit that schadenfreude is the only feeling I have for that wretched man in his current self-imposed Hades. Perhaps I will grow out of it.

In your case, perhaps a bland and smiling Expression of No Interest is all you can muster up. Picture her in your mind as a yappy little dog. Picture yourself booting that yappy little dog over the back yard fence, and smile.

 

[Sierrah]

The next time she offers such unwanted advice simply thank her for her opinion and her concerns but firmly let her understand that such discussions are for you and your husband alone and aren’t anyone else’s business. If she continues to bring it up change the subject and ask her details of her private love life. Hopefully she’ll get the hint.

 

[Layman]

I don’t recommend doing as Appleby suggested.

I think some reporter once asked Katherine Hepburn a question about her love life.

She cooly replied “Is that any of your business?”.

To which the only reply is “No”.

Do likewise, then get on with your life.

If more is needed: No raised voices. Take her aside for a quiet chat. Be firm. Unless she’s loaded, you don’t need to be servile towards her

 

[Appleby]

She’s already said that the woman won’t shut up. Imagining that she is only a yappy dog may help her deal with reality.

 

[felicity07]

If the OP is just looking for unfortunate MIL stories than I have a doozy. My FH’s mother left his dad and their 5 children to be with a woman about 6 years ago. My FH is the oldest and the youngest is thirteen. At the moment we are having all kinds of problems because the 13 year old (girl) is desperately wanting to have a relationship with her mother and her mom basically wants nothing to do with any of them. We had a “family meeting” the other day because it took everyone to explain to this little girl that it would be illegal for her dad to send her to Oklahoma because the mom hasn’t paid any child support (my future FIL doesn’t press it, he doesn’t need the money) and forfeited all parental rights.

Anyway, each child had their chance to talk to their mom about their feelings and how they all think she should start by at least sending cards for upcoming birthdays and coming to our wedding (She didn’t come to my FSIL’s wedding and has never seen her only granddaughter). Did I mention that she lives with her “partner” and her partner’s two kids? When she was told this she said she would have to talk to her boss about coming down for the wedding (Thanksgiving weekend btw).

When FH’s sister asked her why, when they went to Oklahoma a few months ago, she didnt want to see the baby, she basically blamed it all on FH’s sister! By the end of it all, the girls were both in tears, FH refused to speak to her because he wants to talk to her in person, The two other boys (17 and 15) didn’t even know what to say AND she basically told them all that she wasn’t planning on trying very hard to do anything. It’s a mess. It breaks my heart and I just wanted to vent too

P.S. FFIL is an amazing man. he raised all five children wonderfully by himself and one of them isn’t even his biologically (FMIL had several affairs during the marriage and got pregnant after FFIL had already had a vasectomy)

 

[gardenswithkids]

…On their wedding anniversary she told me that the secret to her 30+ year marriage is that her husband does as he’s told. I don’t doubt that, but thirty years of him not telling her no has led her to believe that she can tell the rest of the world what to do, including the other man in her life, her son.

Honey, I hate to break the news to you, but your MIL isn’t the only problem. Your future FIL has issues too. Future MIL not only gets away with bad behavior, her husband rewards her for it by doing whatever she says.

Have you gone through your marriage prep already? There are issues in your fiance’s family of origin beyond just his mother.

 

[Guitar]

Well, I’d tell you my opinion but I tend to tick off the feminists on the board when I do that. She’s a true product of her generation. Men = inept and stupid.

Not necessarily anything to do with feminism at all. My mother’s family were definitely not feminists but to a woman they regarded (and openly treated) men as a necessary evil - they brought home the money and did the heavier lifting and other than that were a menace and a nuisance. I can easily imagine a few of them turning into your FMIL.

 

[Wyatt]

Hi Princess.

Although I don’t know specifically what you are going through as I am a 20 year old single Catholic man, I do know how it feels for people to misunderstand our faith and, as a result, to say things that can be hurtful. I love my mother, and I know she wouldn’t intentionally say something hurtful to me…but quite awhile back (maybe a year ago or more) she said something that hurt my feelings.

I’ve only been Catholic for a little more than a year (I was received into full communion Easter of 2007, along with my dad). My mother and sister are Protestant Christians, with my mother being United Methodist and my sister Missouri Synod Lutheran. My mom knows that I tend to get sort of down in the dumps sometimes because of the fact that I haven’t had a girlfriend as of yet and sometimes I worry about finding someone to marry someday. Whenever I was in RCIA last year, the topic of birth control somehow came up with my mom. I mentioned to her that I didn’t intend to use artificial birth control when I get married someday. She then said to me, “You’re naive if you think you’ll ever find a woman that will go along with THAT in this day and age.” That was hurtful to me, but I didn’t hold it against her too much since I knew she didn’t understand why we only believe in natural family planning. I mean, the idea was still new to me as I had been Protestant 18 years of my life. It still struck a nerve when she said it though.

 

[JKS]

I’ll go along with most of these comments, but: If you were in her house, and left the door open, it’s not exactly asking her to stay out. Shut and lock the door when necessary.

I use an amused smile with her most astonishing remarks, and “Oh my goodness, I’ll think about that one!”; I just went to confession and want to stay detraction-free so I won’t share. It’s not my place to say something but is most certainly is DH’s, and he does.

I will share one of his best comments, though: “Mom, I have more than twice as many children as you do; I know what I’m doing!”

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Wyatt, don’t change!

There ARE young women out there looking for someone like you who will allow them to live as the Catholics they want to be. Just pray that when one comes along you’ll recognize her. By being devout yourself, you will attract those like you. A guy like that is a rare gem!

 

[Wyatt]

Wyatt, don’t change!

There ARE young women out there looking for someone like you who will allow them to live as the Catholics they want to be. Just pray that when one comes along you’ll recognize her. By being devout yourself, you will attract those like you. A guy like that is a rare gem!

Thank you for the kind words…I will try to remain optimistic and trust in the Lord to lead me to my future spouse.

---

Princess,

Stay strong. Remember Christ’s words. He warned us that people would hate us as they hated Him. Many times following Christ is not the easy answer. In the case of your mother-in-law’s hurtful words and in the case of my mother’s words, we just have to smile and realize that this is the persecution we have to face by faithfully following Christ. Satan tries to throw all kinds of fiery darts at us, trying to knock us off the narrow path that leads to salvation and onto the wide path of destruction. He would love nothing more than for you to give into your mother-in-law’s wishes and go the normal secularist route that much of our society follows. Hold tight to the teaching of the Church, the Sacred Tradition handed down to us by the Apostles that Protestants do not understand (yet they may long for it without even realizing what it is they long for).