Update on us: I can never trust him again...ever!

[Unsungmelody]

So to give some back story, my husband and I have had a super rough year, from him hiding and lying about his porn addiction (which he had even before we were married), to saying he wants kids then saying he never ever wants children, to the verbal and emotional abuse, it’s been an emotional rocky ride for me.

His porn addiction is dominating his life…he chooses porn and masturbation over me and the real thing. He lies straight to my face about it and figures I’ll never find out (but I do). He blames ME for his porn addiction and why he can’t stop though I have sent him many articles and websites where he can seek help both that I found on my own and what you amazing people have sent me. We go months (yes months) without relations because he “takes care of himself”. Then uses the excuse that he “didn’t want to wake me” or “I looked too tired” though I told him 10 times if not more that I’m there for him and I want him to wake me up for it.

He verbally abuses me…snaps and growls at me even in front of my best friends and his family as well. His brother has even told him that he’s being mean and growling at me. When I tell him not to talk to me like that he just gets more upset and says that I need to “change my definition of what ______(insert growling/snapping, etc) means because my definition is wrong”.

He emotionally abuses me with his porn addiction. I never feel good enough, I have HUGE self-confidence issues and I’ve in fact called myself ugly and words like that because HE makes me feel that way. I feel degraded and unloved. He blames me for his failures so now I think I am the one at fault and I’m the one responsible for everything.

He has said he probably want one kid before (before we got married), but whenever I bring up the matter he gets all defensive saying he never ever wants kids. He’s also pro-abortion and has never denied it when I called him an Atheist. He swears worse than a trucker, drops the f bomb like he gets paid every time he says it. He also refuses to have relations with me without using a condom. I’ve used NFP and he thought it was a load of _____. Not trusting my charts or showing interest in learning or helping. He’d even tried pressuring me multiple times to take Plan B but thankfully period started right afterwards.

We have had multiple HUGE fights and a lot of small ones all over the above issues (minus the having kids…I cannot and will not force someone to have kids because they would not make a good parent then). All end up with the same response. That he’s “sorry”, he “swears it will never happen again”, he’ll “never loose my trust again”, says “I don’t understand” when it comes to his reasons for doing it, basically blames me for his failure (and unfortunately now I believe that it is my fault though I know it’s not).
Every time I forgive and let him have my trust back, but every time I’m hurt more and more.

Our last big fight was about 2-3 weeks ago. He had snapped at me for no reason (he just came home from work…I did not even get a hello just he immediately tore me a new one for something silly and small) in front of my best friend which made me break down mid work and cry. He came to work the next day (or 2 days after) and we talked and I told him how hurtful it was, and basically repeated how I feel when he chooses porn over me, etc. He used the same excuses above blaming me and swearing up and down that he would never do it again and would get my trust back. I also messaged him via text saying that I don’t think I could emotionally give him another chance after this one…saying that I was extremely heart broken and in so much pain that I can barely keep myself from crying (I cry pretty much every day now).

I told him I needed space, that if he wants me to heal and have trust in him he needed to give me space and show me that I could trust him. He gave me space occasionally, but at other times he there and tried his best to get some…I ignored it. I cannot have relations with someone that I cannot trust. He got the message and kind of left me alone. I have spent the last two weekends with my mother as she had hurt herself and was home alone. The first weekend was fine, nothing happened, came back and things remained the same…him not giving me enough space so my healing process was pretty much at a halt. But when I came home this weekend (last night) it was worse…

Let me saw now that he hasn’t gained any trust back. The whole time I was gone I just thought of what girls he was watching and what he was doing. Maybe I’m just cruel for not immediately trusting him, but I’ve had my heart broken so many times.
Anyways, I checked up on what he was up to while I was gone. He pass locked his phone, which is the FIRST time in our relationship (married and dating) that he has locked his phone so I cannot get in. I keep mine locked for work reasons, so coworkers can’t use my phone but he has always known the password, or at least I’ve told him before (can’t say if he remembers). Then when I checked the computer, the whole history was deleted (wasn’t when I left). Before I left I went in and deleted the cookies so I can know what type of websites he has been on. He was on multiple porn sites while I was gone on the computer (and who knows what he was doing on his phone) and there’s proof in the cookies. I even took a picture on my phone of it so if he tries to deny it I can show him.

I cannot trust him…I can never trust him. He has broken my heart for the last time. He lied to me, even before our marriage about this addiction. I believed him back then when he said that he had stopped and never would. He chooses that awful stuff over me and having relations with me.

 

[Unsungmelody]

(and because I wrote too much, here’s the rest)

I am going to be calling a local priest to try to discuss everything though I’m super afraid to. Even now the pain of writing this almost has me in tears. I cannot live like this, I cannot live with no trust in my husband or knowing that he is probably thinking of someone else when we have relations or just getting ignored entirely.

Please pray for me and him. I cannot stay in this toxic relationship…hopefully I can get things figured out and talk to a priest soon. I am back at attending mass but attended both times when my mother in her state…not at my local parish. So I’m worried that the priest won’t talk to me because I’m not a member of his church (though I will be). I’m praying that the lying and porn addiction lies is enough for an annulment as if I knew he was addicted I wouldn’t have married him because porn is cheating…and that means, to me at least, that he had no intention of being faithful.

He has hurt me for the last time. I refuse to let him hurt me again.

 

[john1513]

You can’t go wrong talking to a priest, or several, and thrown in some experienced married couples for advice.

Have you watched The Great Porn Experiment on youtube? Do it if you haven’t and recommend it to your husband.

Some time apart could be good for both of you.

It won’t fix the problem, but it helps slow it down: opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/opendns-familyshield/

Also nofap.org and nofap reddit, yourbrainrebalanced, feedtherightwolf, theporneffect websites are all great tools for him.

You might need a weekend retreat with a spiritual director/advisor on hand.

As I submitted, I noticed this: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=906346

 

[Powdered_Sugar]

You can’t go wrong talking to a priest, or several, and thrown in some experienced married couples for advice.

Have you watched The Great Porn Experiment on youtube? Do it if you haven’t and recommend it to your husband.

Some time apart could be good for both of you.

It won’t fix the problem, but it helps slow it down: opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/opendns-familyshield/

Also nofap.org and nofap reddit, yourbrainrebalanced, feedtherightwolf, theporneffect websites are all great tools for him.

You might need a weekend retreat with a spiritual director/advisor on hand.

As I submitted, I noticed this: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=906346

I won’t be much help in regards to your troubles, I’m afraid. I am also a porn addict, and have been getting help for it with through a men’s group in my area. Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband isn’t willing to admit he has a problem, let alone try to fix it. If you have administrative access on his computer, I’d definitely use OpenDns. It’s not perfect, but it’s great because you can set it up on the computer, on tablets, and on smartphones; and if he doesn’t know much about computers he won’t know how to remove it. I use it on my computer and my phone and it’s been very helpful. There are other, more robust pieces of software to help tackle the issue, but this is a good place to start.

I pray that you personally may find healing, and that your husband recognizes the wrong he’s committing to you and himself and seek help, repentance and freedom form his addiction.

 

[phil19034]

(and because I wrote too much, here’s the rest)

I am going to be calling a local priest to try to discuss everything though I’m super afraid to. Even now the pain of writing this almost has me in tears. I cannot live like this, I cannot live with no trust in my husband or knowing that he is probably thinking of someone else when we have relations or just getting ignored entirely.

Please pray for me and him. I cannot stay in this toxic relationship…hopefully I can get things figured out and talk to a priest soon. I am back at attending mass but attended both times when my mother in her state…not at my local parish. **So I’m worried that the priest won’t talk to me because I’m not a member of his church (though I will be). **I’m praying that the lying and porn addiction lies is enough for an annulment as if I knew he was addicted I wouldn’t have married him because porn is cheating…and that means, to me at least, that he had no intention of being faithful.

He has hurt me for the last time. I refuse to let him hurt me again.

Don’t worry, the priest will talk to you. If there is some unforeseen issue, he will let you know who to talk to.

Typically, no priest will leave anyone hanging.

I will pray for you.

God Bless.

 

[E_7]

You can’t go wrong talking to a priest, or several, and thrown in some experienced married couples for advice.

You might need a weekend retreat with a spiritual director/advisor on hand.

I agree 100%.

If you have administrative access on his computer, I’d definitely use OpenDns. It’s not perfect, but it’s great because you can set it up on the computer, on tablets, and on smartphones; and if he doesn’t know much about computers he won’t know how to remove it. I use it on my computer and my phone and it’s been very helpful. There are other, more robust pieces of software to help tackle the issue, but this is a good place to start.

I pray that you personally may find healing, and that your husband recognizes the wrong he’s committing to you and himself and seek help, repentance and freedom form his addiction.

Great advice. Unsungmelody’s husband needs to close those doors with a LOCK.

So Unsungmelody, if you cannot afford NetNanny, I recommend using K9 which is totally free (as long as you are the one that sets the password and keep it a secret, he won’t be able to delete it or access bad sites).

 

[E_7]

Unsungmelody,

I’m sorry you are going through all this.

I can imagine how you must be feeling like you are ugly even when you are not. You feel unwanted, disgusted with yourself, and more against you and your body. I know. It could feel unbearable. I know this because my sister is in a somewhat similar position.

My sister teaches her husband the morality of things, what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s a mortal sin and what’s not, etc. You know what he does? He turns the teachings against her when she can’t have sex (she must have her reasons) and he goes like “Oh then don’t blame me if I touch myself or see porn. You are leading me to sin.” A complete jerk, with not a single hair of a real man.

Sometimes you wish to enter the other person’s mind and make them see!! But it is impossible.

Since your husband is NOT (from what you have written) taking you seriously in any way, I suggest you separate for a long time in order to repair your marriage and get back together later on. I’m sure other experienced users in CAF can recommend something better to do.

 

[phil19034]

sdddd

 

[Powdered_Sugar]

Great advice. Unsungmelody’s husband needs to close those doors with a LOCK.

So Unsungmelody, if you cannot afford NetNanny, I recommend using K9 which is totally free (as long as you are the one that sets the password and keep it a secret, he won’t be able to delete it or access bad sites).

K9 is great so long as he’s not adept at computing, and so long as he doesn’t have administrative privileges. When I put my mind to it it only took me about twenty minutes to find a way around it… that said, I’ve been circumventing these systems for most of my life, so I’m not a great test case… It is a very robust system that does a great job of filtering everything; just make sure he doesn’t have administrative privileges on the computer. There’s also a version of it available for android devices, and probably apple devices.

In all honesty, you might do well to find a system that shuts down access to websites period, and does so from the router. My parents had to do this, and they had to put in a password anytime I went to a new site that wasn’t part of the approved database. This was highly effective, though annoying to them until they had put it in for most of my regulars.

I will say though, that if you start filtering his internet he’s going to get mad… period… so be prepared for that. The addiction has a strong hold on him, and it will take a long time for him to readjust. Just be prepared, it won’t be pretty, but it will be good for him.

 

[Unsungmelody]

I thank you all for the kind words. I don’t think I can take a break and go back to him nor should I have to play mother and put stuff on his phone to prevent him from seeing it. He wouldn’t agree to that anyways.

I’ll be calling my local parish today and try to set up an appointment with him

 

[henpecked]

you realize it’s not you - not that the porn women are better looking than you. Actually, it’s sad - the women of porn are worn out, tattooed, pretty skanky looking women. Many are mother’s as evidenced by their bodies. And it’s not because they get satisfaction out of conducting the sex act on film - they are trapped by money and the need to do it to pay their bills. So when they are staring into the camera and your hubby thinks they are looking at him and like him - feel pity for all of them. Your 'husband ’ has a sickness.

Ball is in your court to take the next step.

 

[Groo]

How tragic. For whatever it is worth, I think you have done all you can and separation is the right thing to do. Your husband’s addiction likely stems from some trauma he faced long ago, and porn is the way he copes. I would think this would be sufficient for an annulment - he was never capable of being in a marriage relationship.

He needs very serious professional help. Filters are good things to have, but a sex addict will always find a way around those boundaries, or alternative means of acting out.

I hope you find healing and serenity for yourself.

I also hope you continue to pray for your husband, even and especially if you are no longer with him.

Left untreated, this addiction has only three possible outcomes: insanity, prison, or untimely death. Your husband is going to face one of those ends without help.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Powdered_Sugar]

I thank you all for the kind words. I don’t think I can take a break and go back to him nor should I have to play mother and put stuff on his phone to prevent him from seeing it. He wouldn’t agree to that anyways.

I’ll be calling my local parish today and try to set up an appointment with him

Again, I’d like to stress that I cannot even imagine what you’re going though, and I will defiantly pray for you, but as a man who is dealing with this same addiction, I guarantee that there’s almost no way he’ll be able to stop without your help. This is not intended as a guilt trip, and I realize that there are other, far deeper, scars and problems in your relationship based on what you’ve said. I’m am also certainly not saying that you should subject yourself to his abuse (far form it, until he recognizes that he is wrong and takes solid steps to correct himself, you need to protect yourself.), but what I am saying is that he is lost, totally and completely lost in himself and in the porn.

It really does consume your mind and drastically distorts -everything- in your life (I mean everything, period… everything…). When I give in, I am not myself, my mood is completely different, my temper is shorter, and my opinion of my wife and her role in my life is horribly skewed. With a person who has been absorbed in porn for years these effects are amplified by continuous reaffirmation of a broken world-view. This is not meant to reduce his culpability, he has wrong you on so many levels that I can’t even imagine it, and he needs to take responsibility for that; he also needs to take responsibility for his own healing. You are correct, you are not his mother, it is not your job. You are, however, his wife, and while you have to care for yourself first and foremost, your duty to your spouse is also something to be considered. At the very least, always pray for him.

Just in case I didn’t make it clear, I think you are completely correct in your desire to get away from him. His attitudes and actions prove that he is not currently safe to be around (based on what you’ve written). My main point is, don’t write him off completely, where he is right now he is a broken human being in need of healing, and doesn’t even realize it. He’s like someone who’s lost his sight but believes he can still see, he will harm other, but most of the damage he does is to himself.

God Bless, I will pray for you.

 

[ProdigalSun]

I WOULDN’T NORMALLY SAY THIS BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE BUT IF WHAT YOU SAY IS ALL TRUE… LEAVE HIS SORRY @&& BEHIND AND DON’T LOOK BACK.

I SAY AGAIN DIVORCE HIM CIVIALLY

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON FOR A POSITIVE FINDING FOR ANULLMENT OF MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN AS OF YET SO DON’T HAVE ANY WITH THIS WASTE OF A MAN! THIS ALLOWS YOU MORE FREEDOM TO LEAVE AND CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

I SAY AGAIN DIVORCE THIS LOSER GET A ANULLMENT.

DONT FORGET TO CLING TO JEUS AND HIS CHURCH!

PEACE!

 

[Powdered_Sugar]

I WOULDN’T NORMALLY SAY THIS BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE BUT IF WHAT YOU SAY IS ALL TRUE… LEAVE HIS SORRY @&& BEHIND AND DON’T LOOK BACK.

I SAY AGAIN DIVORCE HIM CIVIALLY

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON FOR A POSITIVE FINDING FOR ANULLMENT OF MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN AS OF YET SO DON’T HAVE ANY WITH THIS WASTE OF A MAN! THIS ALLOWS YOU MORE FREEDOM TO LEAVE AND CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

I SAY AGAIN DIVORCE THIS LOSER GET A ANULLMENT.

DONT FORGET TO CLING TO JEUS AND HIS CHURCH!

PEACE!

None of what she’s said is grounds for an annulment. An annulment means that a true marriage never actually took place due to some defect in its constitution. It may be true that there was some defect, and based on his addiction I’d personally argue that there was, but we have nothing on which to make a definitive statement.

 

[pianistclare]

Please…whatever happens, DO NOT consider having children with this man.
Unless his life makes a complete 180, and it stays like that for a long long time…do NOT bring children into this.
Praying your visit with the priest goes well fro both of you.

 

[soulfree]

K9 is great so long as he’s not adept at computing, and so long as he doesn’t have administrative privileges. When I put my mind to it it only took me about twenty minutes to find a way around it… that said, I’ve been circumventing these systems for most of my life, so I’m not a great test case… It is a very robust system that does a great job of filtering everything; just make sure he doesn’t have administrative privileges on the computer. There’s also a version of it available for android devices, and probably apple devices.

In all honesty, you might do well to find a system that shuts down access to websites period, and does so from the router. My parents had to do this, and they had to put in a password anytime I went to a new site that wasn’t part of the approved database. This was highly effective, though annoying to them until they had put it in for most of my regulars.

I will say though, that if you start filtering his internet he’s going to get mad… period… so be prepared for that. The addiction has a strong hold on him, and it will take a long time for him to readjust. Just be prepared, it won’t be pretty, but it will be good for him.

It can get pretty nasty. I’ve read stuff on these very boards. May or may not be a good idea. A drug addict in need of a fix can get rather unpleasant.

you realize it’s not you - not that the porn women are better looking than you. Actually, it’s sad - the women of porn are worn out, tattooed, pretty skanky looking women. Many are mother’s as evidenced by their bodies. And it’s not because they get satisfaction out of conducting the sex act on film - they are trapped by money and the need to do it to pay their bills. So when they are staring into the camera and your hubby thinks they are looking at him and like him - feel pity for all of them. Your 'husband ’ has a sickness.

Ball is in your court to take the next step.

i’m sure you’re trying to be helpful, but it’s just not true. Some of these women are extremely attractive. Probably just as skanky-looking as king with a paper crown David’s too-many-to-count concubines. Besides, whores dressed as princesses are still whores

 

[Unsungmelody]

None of what she’s said is grounds for an annulment. An annulment means that a true marriage never actually took place due to some defect in its constitution. It may be true that there was some defect, and based on his addiction I’d personally argue that there was, but we have nothing on which to make a definitive statement.

I could be wrong but if he hid an addiction from me that technically makes him unable to be faithful (porn is cheating) and controls his life, doesn’t that mean he wasn’t in the right mind to marry?

 

[ProdigalSun]

I could be wrong but if he hid an addiction from me that technically makes him unable to be faithful (porn is cheating) and controls his life, doesn’t that mean he wasn’t in the right mind to marry?

You are correct. There is plenty of issues here you can bring in as evidence for proof of annulment. I would say you have a good case for it!

 

[ProdigalSun]

None of what she’s said is grounds for an annulment. An annulment means that a true marriage never actually took place due to some defect in its constitution. It may be true that there was some defect, and based on his addiction I’d personally argue that there was, but we have nothing on which to make a definitive statement.

one would be the fact that he is not open to life. He created an image that he was but htat seems to be a lie. This is the type of evidence a tribunal will look for.