Vasectomy question - help

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FishyPete

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**who am i: **A devout Catholic who tries to live his faith moment by moment. I am 45 years old, I am married and I have 3 children (15, 13, and a newborn)

The issue: My wife has demanded that I get a vasectomy. My wife has multiple health issues that would make another pregnancy dangerous to her life. She has diabetes. She has mental health issues involving post partum stress disorder. She has anger and emotional issues and she has severe pre and post menstrual syndrome. Her menstrual cycles swing wildly and can be as irregular and off by weeks at a time. Natural family planning has never been an option.

**The bottom line: **Without a vasectomy my marriage and family will be destroyed. This is not hyperbole on my part. I walk a tightrope keeping my family together as I love my wife and children more than my life. But like a wild animal, I am caught without options (due to what I have listed above).

**My questions: I know a vasectomy is wrong. I know it is a mortal sin. I would go without sex for the rest of my life if need be, but I know my wife will not accept this.
  1. Will I be forgiven for mutilating my body like this even though I know it is wrong and against God going in.
  2. And will I be forgiven even though my only hope is in hoping in the mercy of confession, In other words, I am assuming/presuming that I will be forgiven - I know this, and I know this is a sin too. Will I be forgiven for this as well?**
I desire to be with God, but will this doom me to hell? I loose sleep over this, but I am being squeezed into a noose that I cannot escape without destroying my family.

I desire to be with God. Am I lost to the furnace with this decision? I am desperate and cornered.

Help…
 
Your questions are far too heavy to be handled by anyone on this forum. I know that is not the anwer you’re looking for, but this truly isn’t a question that 99.9999% of users on this board are equipped to advise on, and the few priests and trained apologists/spiritual counselors here cannot help you anonymously. I can’t stress that enough for a situation as serious as this.

You need to seek pastoral guidance from a priest. You may be directed to a deacon or spiritual counselor for some of your concerns.
 
I would very strongly suggest bringing this to your pastor, and perhaps additionally to a marriage counselor (maybe your priest can recommend one.) Is your wife actively receiving treatment? It sounds like she needs it. Newborn babies are very, very tough, and if she is older that could make it even more difficult to cope.
 
I understand, perhaps you can answer if presumption in confession forgivable? I feel it will be my one and only hope…
 
FishyPete said:
I understand, perhaps you can answer if presumption in confession forgivable? I feel it will be my one and only hope…
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I’ve thrown this around my head a million times, and my logic is failing…

A vasectomy would save my marriage, but I don’t want hell as my destination If I presume confession will save me?

I’ve read so many thread about forgiveness for vasectomies after the fact, but what if one goes into one knowing it is wrong. I don’t feel like I have free will in this…
 
First, I strongly encourage you to talk to a good priest about all this. I encourage this because I can’t answer the two questions you posted. I can see that you are tortured by your situation, and my heartfelt prayers go out to you and your family. I can tell you love God and your family. I am sure you wife feels like the vasectomy is her only option. My heart and prayers go out to her too.

The only thing I can do is tell you my opinion as a 33 year old married woman who suffers from hormonal problems and irregular fertility. NFP, is customizable to each individual woman. It is about getting to know your body and learning its fertility signals. There are many different approaches to Fertility Awareness and I believe there is always a form of NFP or a FAM that can work. Sympto-Thermal worked for me and my cycles ranged wildly from 35-90 days apart. I have also heard the Creighton Model is fantastic for women with unpredictable/ irregular cycles and ovulation.

Even if there wasn’t, I don’t think a vasectomy will solve your problem. You said you are walking a tightrope and I don’t think a vasectomy will fix it. Especially because you might end up resenting her for forcing you into doing something that you already know is so wrong.

It sounds like your wife needs some medical intervention to help heal her hormonally and mentally. (Insulin is a hormone and a problem that you know comes with diabetes and can be a factor in her irregular fertility cycles). And I don’t mean giving her a carcinogenic birth pill and pretending that “fixes” things. (Been there, done that, made everything worse.)

She needs a doctor who can get to the root of the problem and help heal her body. She will be happier. You will be happier. Your Family will be happier. Your marriage will be happier. Natural Family Planning (NFP) using a Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) will become easier.

Maybe suggest that before you do anything permanent, you explore options for healing that would make her healthier and happier? A little bit of mental and bodily healing might make the situation feel a little more manageable to both of you.

With all that said, if she insists on the remainder of your marriage being artificially sterile, she should be the one to contracept and take that sin upon herself.

Obviously this is all just my advice and opinion. I am open to correction. 🙂

Peace and Prayers for you!
 
ksabby said:
First, I strongly encourage you to talk to a good priest about all this. I encourage this because I can’t answer the two questions you posted. I can see that you are tortured by your situation, and my heartfelt prayers go out to you and your family. I can tell you love God and your family. I am sure you wife feels like the vasectomy is her only option. My heart and prayers go out to her too.

The only thing I can do is tell you my opinion as a 33 year old married woman who suffers from hormonal problems and irregular fertility. NFP, is customizable to each individual woman. It is about getting to know your body and learning its fertility signals. There are many different approaches to Fertility Awareness and I believe there is always a form of NFP or a FAM that can work. Sympto-Thermal worked for me and my cycles ranged wildly from 35-90 days apart. I have also heard the Creighton Model is fantastic for women with unpredictable/ irregular cycles and ovulation.

Even if there wasn’t, I don’t think a vasectomy will solve your problem. You said you are walking a tightrope and I don’t think a vasectomy will fix it. Especially because you might end up resenting her for forcing you into doing something that you already know is so wrong.

It sounds like your wife needs some medical intervention to help heal her hormonally and mentally. (Insulin is a hormone and a problem that you know comes with diabetes and can be a factor in her irregular fertility cycles). And I don’t mean giving her a carcinogenic birth pill and pretending that “fixes” things. (Been there, done that, made everything worse.)

She needs a doctor who can get to the root of the problem and help heal her body. She will be happier. You will be happier. Your Family will be happier. Your marriage will be happier. Natural Family Planning (NFP) using a Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) will become easier.

Maybe suggest that before you do anything permanent, you explore options for healing that would make her healthier and happier? A little bit of mental and bodily healing might make the situation feel a little more manageable to both of you.

With all that said, if she insists on the remainder of your marriage being artificially sterile, she should be the one to contracept and take that sin upon herself.

Obviously this is all just my advice and opinion. I am open to correction. 🙂

Peace and Prayers for you!
Click to expand...
Thank you for your insight. I think the mental issue is larger, but it is not something I can speak to her about. I just can’t. And her ability to carry a child now due to her age and diabetes is now a huge issue. My new daughter was ill at birth, but thank God she is fine now.

As for her taking the pill, I can’t force the sin on her, I’d rather take God’s judgement on myself than forcing another to sin.

But thank you.
 
FishyPete said:
**who am i: **A devout Catholic who tries to live his faith moment by moment. I am 45 years old, I am married and I have 3 children (15, 13, and a newborn)

The issue: My wife has demanded that I get a vasectomy. My wife has multiple health issues that would make another pregnancy dangerous to her life. She has diabetes. She has mental health issues involving post partum stress disorder. She has anger and emotional issues and she has severe pre and post menstrual syndrome. Her menstrual cycles swing wildly and can be as irregular and off by weeks at a time. Natural family planning has never been an option.

**The bottom line: **Without a vasectomy my marriage and family will be destroyed. This is not hyperbole on my part. I walk a tightrope keeping my family together as I love my wife and children more than my life. But like a wild animal, I am caught without options (due to what I have listed above).

**My questions: I know a vasectomy is wrong. I know it is a mortal sin. I would go without sex for the rest of my life if need be, but I know my wife will not accept this.
  1. Will I be forgiven for mutilating my body like this even though I know it is wrong and against God going in.
  2. And will I be forgiven even though my only hope is in hoping in the mercy of confession, In other words, I am assuming/presuming that I will be forgiven - I know this, and I know this is a sin too. Will I be forgiven for this as well?**
I desire to be with God, but will this doom me to hell? I loose sleep over this, but I am being squeezed into a noose that I cannot escape without destroying my family.

I desire to be with God. Am I lost to the furnace with this decision? I am desperate and cornered.

Help…
Click to expand...
You have a wife that wishes to condemn your soul for her own sake. Don’t do it. Seek spiritual help and also counseling immediately.
If your wife has no problem with birth control or sterilization she can take that up with her own conscience. Yours however must remain faithful. And no, the choice is not mutilate yourself or lose your family. That’s just ridiculous.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
You have a wife that wishes to condemn your soul for her own sake. Don’t do it. Seek spiritual help and also counseling immediately.
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its not that. my wife is a good woman. She loves me and loves God as well. She doesn’t understand. Plus she has conditions that make her think certain ways. I can’t hold her responsible. I can’t. I love her.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
And no, the choice is not mutilate yourself or lose your family. That’s just ridiculous.
Click to expand...
the situation is nuanced - its not ridiculous - its my life… Perhaps the first respondents are correct. This can’t be answered but by a priest…
 
FishyPete said:
Thank you for your insight. I think the mental issue is larger, but it is not something I can speak to her about. I just can’t. And her ability to carry a child now due to her age and diabetes is now a huge issue. My new daughter was ill at birth, but thank God she is fine now.

As for her taking the pill, I can’t force the sin on her, I’d rather take God’s judgement on myself than forcing another to sin.

But thank you.
Click to expand...
Between her forcing you to be cut, and you forcing pills down her throat you have an odd definition of force. And of marriage. Marriage does not involve defying God so your spouse doesn’t have to, besides, since you feel coerced by her to do this SHE is culpable as well so there goes your idea of falling on your own sword to protect her :rolleyes:
 
FishyPete said:
its not that. my wife is a good woman. She loves me and loves God as well. She doesn’t understand. Plus she has conditions that make her think certain ways. I can’t hold her responsible. I can’t. I love her.
Click to expand...
I have no response to your logic. Talk to a priest.
In your mutilation you will not find a resolution to your marriage.
 
FishyPete said:
Thank you for your insight. I think the mental issue is larger, but it is not something I can speak to her about. I just can’t. And her ability to carry a child now due to her age and diabetes is now a huge issue. My new daughter was ill at birth, but thank God she is fine now.

As for her taking the pill,** I can’t force the sin on her, I’d rather take God’s judgement on myself than forcing another to sin.**

But thank you.
Click to expand...
“I just can’t” is a really big alarm bell for trouble in a marriage. You don’t have to answer this here, but why can’t you? Is there a problem of danger? Are you afraid to rock the boat? Why can’t she take responsibility for her own choices?

Marriage is hard, as I’m sure you know. Telling a spouse there is something wrong and it needs to be fixed can be very scary. But how is trying to sweep it all under the rug going to help anything get fixed? If you’re afraid to talk to her, then that’s something for you to discuss in counseling, even if your wife will not go.

Is her doctor aware of what’s going on? Is there a hotline you could call for support?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Between her forcing you to be cut, and you forcing pills down her throat you have an odd definition of force. And of marriage. Marriage does not involve defying God so your spouse doesn’t have to, besides, since you feel coerced by her to do this SHE is culpable as well so there goes your idea of falling on your own sword to protect her :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
I don’t know what to say to you. My life hasn’t been as cut and dry as that.

I don’t want to defy God. I’m not a bad person, and neither is she. I’m trying to work out my salvation.

I think you’ve made your point clear though.
 
FishyPete said:
its not that. my wife is a good woman. She loves me and loves God as well. She doesn’t understand. Plus she has conditions that make her think certain ways. I can’t hold her responsible. I can’t. I love her.
Click to expand...
She sounds wonderful…

Look, you posted on a public board about how your wife wants you to mutilate yourself.

Despite the inevitable abortion that would follow an accidental pregnancy after the vastectomy you really need to clear your head

If a woman posted on here how her husband was going to force her to mutilate herself, sin, and jeapordize her soul to hell, and she felt as if she had no choice we would almost all identify her as abused and controlled and we would advise talking to a priest, a counselor, and perhaps the authorities. Even more so if after posts about the problem she told us how he was a really nice guy who just doesn’t understand and is misunderstood but she looooooves hiiiiim…

Please seek help. See a counselor immediately and seek a safe environment.
 
I agree with other posters that you need to talk to your priest and a marriage counselor. I don’t think you will save your marriage by giving into this evil demand. Your wife giving you this as an ultimatum is just unspeakably wrong and symptomatic of deep marital problems. I would suggest that you tell your wife that you will abstain for a time (depending on how many weeks post partum your wife is, you’re probably doing that anyway.) Give her some time to adjust to the new baby and get her hormones under control. Newborns can be very stressful. Ask her to consider counseling.
 
Wesrock said:
Your questions are far too heavy to be handled by anyone on this forum. I know that is not the anwer you’re looking for, but this truly isn’t a question that 99.9999% of users on this board are equipped to advise on, and the few priests and trained apologists/spiritual counselors here cannot help you anonymously. I can’t stress that enough for a situation as serious as this.

You need to seek pastoral guidance from a priest. You may be directed to a deacon or spiritual counselor for some of your concerns.
Click to expand...
I agree 100%. Your love for your family, wife and the teachings of the Church shine through your post and you should speak to a priest.

May God bless you during this time of difficulty.

Mary.
 
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