Views On Sex Means No Dating

[GreyWings]

Is there an official stance that the Church has when it comes to this sort of thing?

Eh I’m sure there is. I’m just repeating verbatim what a priest said.

 

[XenaFan]

Eh I’m sure there is. I’m just repeating verbatim what a priest said.

I know that lots and lots of priests have personal views on dating and courting but I never knew if there was something authoritative that had the back of the Church so to speak.

 

[Sarcelle]

Good thing OP isn’t looking for “most women”. He is looking for an exceptional one. They are women mature enough to know what he means by nice. But they are rare indeed.

So educate me, as I am not exceptional and would prefer a good man over a nice guy.

What does it mean to be nice?

In my experience, the guys who usually describe themselves as nice usually feel entitled to sex just because they paid for their date’s dinner.

 

[Sarcelle]

You mean the I-did-the-nice-now-where’s-my-woman neanderthals? Those guys were SUPER common in college and I avoided them. The disingenuous “kindness” followed by entitlement followed by a victim mentality that they’re all too happy to wallow in can only be described as creepy.

I’ve never met a genuinely good, honest guy who ever blamed a single problem, much less lack of romance, on his own self-professed “niceness”.

Yes.

You and I seem to have encountered these types of fellows. The veneer of niceness which barely hides the manipulation underneath.

 

[zarek]

it does not make it impossible to date.

Yes, in today’s society it might make it hard. But anyone worth being with would respect your desire to wait.

If you are Catholic, you could use one of the Catholic dating sites. Catholicmatch.com or catholicsingles.com (I can’t remember which) has a feature where everyone sets whether they fully believe what the Church teaches or if they ignore part of it. Fornication is one of those options, so you could use that particular Catholic dating site to focus on people who believe in waiting too.

God Bless

Thank you. But Ive tried plenty of dating sites. Never had any luck. I cant help but feel its partly due to race.

 

[zarek]

The only thing I’ll say is don’t waste your time looking for watermelons in a carrot patch. There are many women who are willing to wait until marriage but you will not typically find them out at the bars or dance clubs.

Finding them is hard. I dont go to bars or clubs. Ive never actually drunk before.

 

[zarek]

Everyone here is giving you religious type answers, yet, you state that your reason for not making before marriage has nothing to do with religion. Might I respectfully inquire your real reason? IMHO your reason is very important and you should be able to articulate it to the woman you are interested in. You also should decide if a woman who has had past relationships is acceptable. Your post shows us your pain that this situation is causing. Praying for you to find a loving partner.

Thank you. I really like your response. I have multiple reasons for waiting to have sex.

1. I am waiting because I want my wife to know that she has been my only one. I dont want her feeling jealous that I have had a physcial connection with someone else. The idea of a “oneness” is special to me.
2. I would like the girl to reciprocate the feeling.
3. I have pretty bad clinical depression. The guilt I would feel for having sex out of wedlock would be unbearable, and quite possibly be dangerous for my mental health

 

[zarek]

There is that.

An acquaintance of mine seems to spend most of his free time on FB, either complaining that he doesn’t have a girlfriend or that women are only interested in men because they like the gifts that men can buy them, and usually with the undertone of he doesn’t have a girlfriend because girls don’t like nice guys.

I once asked him, rather bluntly, if he was looking to vent or looking for advice. He said the latter, so I gave him my standard spiel: focus on getting a degree (or certification) that will net him a good job that will support a family, and then focus on becoming the best spouse he can be for his future wife. Learn to do basic home repairs; learn to cook and do basic housekeeping; spend time in Adoration and in prayer; learn to budget and save; volunteer; read a few good books on relationships, etc.

Please note that he’s Catholic and traditional, at that, so this wasn’t exactly coming out of left field. He’s also in his mid-20s and employed in a part-time fast food job while not attending school, and still lives at home.

(I did refrain from mentioning that whining is just plain neither attractive nor sexy, and that posting multiple times/week about how horrible women are but how much he wants one is a tad offputting.)

His response was essentially that he shouldn’t have to work hard in order to “catch” a wife.

That having been said, OP, you (hopefully!) don’t fall into this category. And as others have mentioned, some women would expect you to have sex while dating, but not all will. Looking in the right places for the ones who don’t is key. Good luck!

Yes. I do not really fall into the category as your friend. But what you said early. “Women would expect tyou to have sex while dating” is what bothers me so much. I honestly lose sleep everyday (and this is not an exageration) over this idea.

 

[zarek]

Good thing OP isn’t looking for “most women”. He is looking for an exceptional one. They are women mature enough to know what he means by nice. But they are rare indeed.

I also have no idea where to find these women

 

[zarek]

OP, not for nothing but your views are a bit… extreme. Courting is dating with the purpose of marriage. That means no sex during courtship. This is the Catholic stance.

How are my views extreme? I actually AM falling in lines with catholic teaching…

 

[Sarcelle]

How are my views extreme? I actually AM falling in lines with catholic teaching…

Your views are in line with Catholic teaching. Unfortunately in our sex obsessed society you may have an uphill battle in front of you.

 

[1ke]

In my experience, the guys who usually describe themselves as nice usually feel entitled to sex just because they paid for their date’s dinner.

OMG, that seriously happened to me when I was about 23. It was a double date with my best friend and her man, this guy was her date’s friend.

Talk about awkward. It was a blind date, a first date, and he actually expected sex. When I looked at him like he had 3 eyeballs, he said, and I quote, “but I paid for dinner.”

Frankly, I always thought that was just a myth. but there really are people that think like that.

Wow! It was a crazy night. He was one disappointed dude.

 

[1ke]

Yes. I do not really fall into the category as your friend. But what you said early. “Women would expect tyou to have sex while dating” is what bothers me so much. I honestly lose sleep everyday (and this is not an exageration) over this idea.

I don’t think “most” women expect you to have sex while dating. Most of them probably dread having to have “the conversation” where they tell you they want to wait.

Since you are avoiding bars and clubs, that should eliminate most of the Cosmo girls who do think they are in an episode of Sex in the City. Church activities and through couples introducing you is a better way to find girls with solid morals.

Also if you aren’t being treated for the depression, please do so. You need to be mentally healthy before you venture into dating.

 

[Javan]

It was a blind date, a first date, and he actually expected sex. When I looked at him like he had 3 eyeballs, he said, and I quote, “but I paid for dinner.”

I had something like that happen once, except I made a snarky comment about how if I was actually willing to prostitute myself it would cost a lot more than a value meal from McD’s.

 

[Sarcelle]

OMG, that seriously happened to me when I was about 23. It was a double date with my best friend and her man, this guy was her date’s friend.

Talk about awkward. It was a blind date, a first date, and he actually expected sex. When I looked at him like he had 3 eyeballs, he said, and I quote, “but I paid for dinner.”

Frankly, I always thought that was just a myth. but there really are people that think like that.

Wow! It was a crazy night. He was one disappointed dude.

Unfortunately that attitude is more common than people think.

 

[kozlosap]

Thank you. I really like your response. I have multiple reasons for waiting to have sex.

1. I am waiting because I want my wife to know that she has been my only one. I dont want her feeling jealous that I have had a physcial connection with someone else. The idea of a “oneness” is special to me.
2. I would like the girl to reciprocate the feeling.
3. I have pretty bad clinical depression. The guilt I would feel for having sex out of wedlock would be unbearable, and quite possibly be dangerous for my mental health

Thanks for your honesty! It sounds to me like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself, while at the same time making sure you are being upfront with women you might want to date. A person who understands what will send them off the “deep end”, is headed in the right direction! Once again, I’m praying for you to find someone who is worthy of you! God Bless!

 

[SilverLight]

Hello,

I have posted a few times on this forum about the same topic. But its still a bother to me. I am 23 years old. Finished college, has a full time job, and lives by himself. Ive never been in a relationship let a lone had sex. It is important for me to wait however. Like, really important And its not for religious reasons either. Just personal. (Nothing medical). But I feel like this beleif will make it impossible for me to date.

Any thoughts

I am in a the same boat I would say and I am 24. I have had boyfriends before and have not had sex yet either and this is also for other reasons then religious ones. I am trying to make better choices then someone else in my life did. If I have a child I want to be able to provide all I can for them and be able to keep them.

It is also hard for me to find someone to date currently.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I don’t think “most” women expect you to have sex while dating. Most of them probably dread having to have “the conversation” where they tell you they want to wait.

Among practicing catholic women absolutely. If you’re counting all women regardless of religiosity though it is only a sizable minority, about 45 percent for all women and 33 percent for the 18 to 30 demographic, that believe that premarital sex is wrong. That’s not numbers that I would describe as “most” women. And if you’re pulling from the dating pool of a fairly secular city or university it can certainly feel as if there are absolutely no women willing to wait until marriage. It can certainly be disheartening.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Unfortunately that attitude is more common than people think.

3 date rule was the norm back when I was in school. I’m not sure what the kids are doing these days though.

 

[Xantippe]

3 date rule was the norm back when I was in school. I’m not sure what the kids are doing these days though.

The lovely Dorothy Cummings McLean (the blogger at Seraphic Singles and Edinburgh Housewife) suggests being careful about the venue of the third date. I believe she mentions that a homecooked dinner and movie at home are to be avoided for this particular date, given what some people’s expectations are. (She has a “funny” story of being invited to a guy’s mom’s home, thinking she was being invited to meet the mom, only to discover that the guy had cleared his mom out of her house in preparation for the big night. AWKWARD!)