Warn-Out in Marriage

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aeu76

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Warn-Out in Marriage, sorry “Yes that is the way I feel!”

I know this happens to many in some fashion, but I really feel that I am at my end. It has also only been 4.5 years (we have no children).

I am been praying and praying, sought consoling, tried my best to share my feelings with my wife, prayed more, maybe discerned more, and recently realized how depressed I am.

I was well aware the marriage would take work, and lots of work, but no one in marriage should have to deal with some of the things I have. We all have crosses but it is become to heavy for me to carry.

I am so tired of not being allowed to saw my thoughts, by feelings and my dreams. Being told that only she can speak and I have no place. We tried Marriage Encounter and even stuck with it for months, but I was continually told that only that only she can speak in the dialog, that she did not have time for me. This is just one of the many problems, we do not only have not only have bad\broken communication, she just refuses for it to happen. This recently I realized leads to 90 percent of our other problems.
 
This is not a partnership. I am the first poster, so you will get some great advice soon.

I would want out of a marriage like that too 😦

Perhaps you are married to a narcissist? If so, this is very toxic for you.
 
My first marriage was exactly that, brother! So tiring…so toxic.
No kids? My advice (for what it is worth) is to say good-bye and not look back!
Takes 3 to ideally be truely married…with Jesus as the center.
My prayers for you…
 
aeu76 said:
Warn-Out in Marriage, sorry “Yes that is the way I feel!”

I know this happens to many in some fashion, but I really feel that I am at my end. It has also only been 4.5 years (we have no children).

I am been praying and praying, sought consoling, tried my best to share my feelings with my wife, prayed more, maybe discerned more, and recently realized how depressed I am.

I was well aware the marriage would take work, and lots of work, but no one in marriage should have to deal with some of the things I have. We all have crosses but it is become to heavy for me to carry.

I am so tired of not being allowed to saw my thoughts, by feelings and my dreams. Being told that only she can speak and I have no place. We tried Marriage Encounter and even stuck with it for months, but I was continually told that only that only she can speak in the dialog, that she did not have time for me. This is just one of the many problems, we do not only have not only have bad\broken communication, she just refuses for it to happen. This recently I realized leads to 90 percent of our other problems.
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Sincerely, I see no great problems in your marriage.
At least problems that cannot be solved.
The biggest problem I see is the shattering of expectations raised when you entered marriage.
Now, you have got 2 ways: or you get out of marriage which will lead to more problems (jumping from the frying pan into the fire) or put your marriage into more solid foundations that this marriage had at the time of marriage. This can, should and ought be done.
Easy? I do not know. God knows. Maybe it is easy, maybe it is difficult. It took to me 10 years to solve an issue, a big issue in my marriage.
Worthwhile to solve the problems and go ahead together? No doubt, no doubt at all… But this was my decision and my partner’s too…to fight till the end…
 
Oh wow, I feel for you. My first marriage was similiar. He was very controlling. We were both Catholic, went through Pre-Cana, did everything “correct” … Was I in for a surprise.

I tell people “you remember Hitler? I married his son.” Mental & physical abuse.

You do what is best for you. My prayers are w/ you. I will add you to the Prayer Basket at my hour of adoration on Tuesday night.

I am now married to an amazing man.

God Bless You.
 
I recommend talking with your priest. He will be able to advise you better than any of us anonymous internet posters.
 
From what I’ve read on this site, the Church offers another program for marriages in difficulties. It isn’t Marriage Encounter but something else and I don’t remember the name. I would call your priest and ask him.

Simultaneously, I would talk to a lawyer regarding your legal rights if and should you decide to separate. And to be very frank, I wouldn’t blame you if you did.

Your wife might have a mental problem. She may have a need to be controlling and is not capable of looking at herself objectively.

You need to seek counseling for yourself only to make you stronger.
 
I’m glad this thread is not giving the husband a hard time. We tend to have double standards between men and women in marriage on CAF.

IMO…being abnormally controlling is a form of emotional abuse.
 
aicirt said:
From what I’ve read on this site, the Church offers another program for marriages in difficulties. It isn’t Marriage Encounter but something else and I don’t remember the name. I would call your priest and ask him.
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You’re probably thinking of Retrouvaille. That’s the program that is more often recommended for couples who are experiencing great difficulty in their marriage.
 
I will remember you in my prayers continue praying and i hope and pray that one day your spouse will listen instead of talking may God bless you
St Anthony of padua pray for them
 
aeu76 said:
I am so tired of not being allowed to saw my thoughts, by feelings and my dreams. Being told that only she can speak and I have no place. We tried Marriage Encounter and even stuck with it for months, but I was continually told that only that only she can speak in the dialog, that she did not have time for me. This is just one of the many problems, we do not only have not only have bad\broken communication, she just refuses for it to happen. This recently I realized leads to 90 percent of our other problems.
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I’m so sorry you are going through this. She sounds like a dictator. It also doesn’t sound like she want to see you as a person a value. Unless she is willing to work on her attitude and your marriage you are either stuck with living or losing more and more of who you are as a person.

I will pray for both of you.
 
Joe_5859 said:
You’re probably thinking of Retrouvaille. That’s the program that is more often recommended for couples who are experiencing great difficulty in their marriage.
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That sounds like a good idea.

But it seems to me that this marriage might benefit from some third party mediation/interpretation. At least from the OP’s perspective there is no real two way communication taking place. For Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille to work, both parties have to be willing to both “speak” and “listen”. A third party might be able to offer insight as to whether this lack of communication is deliberate or is because these two can’t seem to find a common “language”.

My guess is that the OP has already gone that route but who knows?
 
SMHW said:
That sounds like a good idea.

But it seems to me that this marriage might benefit from some third party mediation/interpretation. At least from the OP’s perspective there is no real two way communication taking place. For Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille to work, both parties have to be willing to both “speak” and “listen”. A third party might be able to offer insight as to whether this lack of communication is deliberate or is because these two can’t seem to find a common “language”.

My guess is that the OP has already gone that route but who knows?
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If this woman is a narcissist, nothing, no therapy will ever work.
 
Serap said:
If this woman is a narcissist, nothing, no therapy will ever work.
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Correct! 👍 Hard to believe but there is a personality disorder, among many, involving narcissisim and there is no therapy period. Person is born that way, part of the DNA I guess and nothing will change.
 
Thanks for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut…

I still not have given up all hope, but someday I have no idea how I made it this long.

I do know of “Retrouvaille” and I am more that willing to give it a try. I do have some idea of how the weekend format works. My my biggest fear is, we give it a try and the same time happens during the weekend in every session.

I know that in marriage there are good times and bad, sometimes the one side is giving well more than half, 80-100 percent. I feel like I have been given well more that 50 percent for my entire marriage. I have been completely disengaged from my parents whom," I love dearly" and my siblings. (Her family problems are just a bad as mine).

I figure that there maybe some mental illness. I can only help with that so much… You get to the point in which you are so hurt you have no idea where to turn. It maybe borderline\ narcissistic disorder and although things can get better, they will never be great. I may have missed a few signs before we got married, but we did not live together first. Even without living together there I things that would help and I am going to provide advice to others. Do not live together first because that is wrong and the church is correct in the teaching, BUT to a full pre-cana class, find the best one possible, do the full monitored marriage assessment questions. Our pre- cana last 6-7 hours, on one Saturday, the priest decided the questions were not important enough and gave each couple a couple of one page shorted questions as we walked out the door. If we answered this question in pre-cana the way it was supposed to happen, I am not be in the situation I am today.

I feel so alone in this big world, I have found a wonderful local catholic consular whom has helped me in many ways. My guess they are one of the best… He was help me feel confident with my thoughts and feelings. We have never even talked about separation or divorce other that the fact it could happen.

I am trying to honor my vows I made on the day I married my wife, but if things continue the way they are I can not do so.
 
Why have you completely disengaged from your parents and family? Why is “whom I love dearly” in quotes?

Why is she removed from her family?
 
Serap said:
If this woman is a narcissist, nothing, no therapy will ever work.
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aicirt said:
Correct! 👍 Hard to believe but there is a personality disorder, among many, involving narcissisim and there is no therapy period. Person is born that way, part of the DNA I guess and nothing will change.
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My point in suggesting a third party counseling type situation was as much about clarifying the situation as solving it.

If the problem is not fixable then then OP can stop trying to fix it with a clear conscience.
 
OP, as I mentioned above, some things can be fixed through your effort and some can’t. I have no idea what your situation is.

I do think you would be wise to do what you can to discern if your wife does have some sort of mental illness/personality disorder because then you know whether there is a point in trying to see change in her.

If you know that what you do won’t change her then you can do what you think is right in spite of how she responds.
 
She can not stand my family, and often it is not worth the fight at home to visit with them…
I try to make weekly phone calls, and try to visit for a short time every several weeks. I have gotten better at not letting my wife control this but it still difficult.

Today was also a rough late afternoon, I have got yet another phone call from a cousin invited me to a wedding(excluded my wife). They gave me the numbers game, but my guess is that they are afraid of scenes she has caused at other weddings(events). I have no ill will against my cousins family, because I have been ashamed myself at events in the past.

Yesterday, I a gave letter to my wife after an argument, I spent a week or so writing this email so I could my clear, loving, but also get my point across. It was just less then a inch long, we carpooled to work today(we do not do this often), she mentioned to me I did not get past the second sentence when you said we need to find better ways to communicate.
 
aeu76 said:
She can not stand my family, and often it is not worth the fight at home to visit with them…
I try to make weekly phone calls, and try to visit for a short time every several weeks. I have gotten better at not letting my wife control this but it still difficult.

Today was also a rough late afternoon, I have got yet another phone call from a cousin invited me to a wedding(excluded my wife). They gave me the numbers game, but my guess is that they are afraid of scenes she has caused at other weddings(events). I have no ill will against my cousins family, because I have been ashamed myself at events in the past.

Yesterday, I a gave letter to my wife after an argument, I spent a week or so writing this email so I could my clear, loving, but also get my point across. It was just less then a inch long, we carpooled to work today(we do not do this often), she mentioned to me I did not get past the second sentence when you said we need to find better ways to communicate.
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One thing that is discussed in our society is domestic abuse…when it applies to women. It is not EVER discussed regarding men. It is a very upsetting term…domestic abuse or the Battered woman/man…but that is what it is called.

I can quickly assure you that you are not the only male that is going through this. I personally know eight off the top of my head…oh…make that nine.

As with women, a controlling spouse will separated you from your support group. This would be your family and your friends. This incorporates psychological as well as emotional abuse.

I’m not going to list all of the aspects. You can look it up on line and see where you fit.

I will tell you this much, your family, especially your parents are going through hell because of this too. They don’t deserve it.
 
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