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aicirt
Guest
Aeu76…Your message box is full and is not taking any more. Can’t reply. 
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HisIsTheCrown
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Some thoughts:
- the past is gone and will not return again. If…If…If…I would have done, these tyes of thought only hurt you, will not help you and are doing a lot of harm to you.
- The future does not exist. Thoughts about the future: I will not cope anymore, I will not be able, the future looks bleak, only hurt you. The future belong to God. You simply do not know what the future will be. No one of us do. None of the people you talk to know.
- You only have the present which is a point moving from a past that already does not exist to a future that does not exist yet. What you have is the present. Period.
- It is a must: you cannot cut with your family. Period. No matter what.
- Maybe there is a mental illness. This hypothesis must be dealt with rapidly. First, to search for help for your wife. Second, it changes completely the way you may look at things. It is not her fault, it is a illness.
This is enough for today. GBY
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Serap
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she is a manipulative and abusive wife. she’s unhealthy and toxic.
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aeu76
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It is toxic…
For some reason she started raging over 2 minor issues, very tiring.
For some reason today I got a apology email, blaming other things.
For some reason she started raging over 2 minor issues, very tiring.
For some reason today I got a apology email, blaming other things.
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Serap
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so you get an apology, but still get blamed for something else. she sounds like a narcissist. she is not good for you. God would not want this for you.
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HisIsTheCrown
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OK, that is a fact.
Now, why is she that way? There is always a reason for people being the was they are.
I would summary in 2 orders of reasons:
*]genetics
*]education, social environment, past events (traumas or good experiences)
The OP tried to write a letter. That did not work. Better put that strategy out.
Myself, I had 10 years of fights with my wife till we got along. Now we are in Paradise. But I had to change and she changed too. Now, we change must faster for she understands better my character and I understand better hers.
The OP’s wife has got a problem. OK. Now, finding the causes it is of the utmost importance.
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Serap
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If he has kids with this woman, it will be a disaster. Just saying he can get out now before it’s too late.
I wish him all the best.
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aicirt
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Totally agree!
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maryjk
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I find it very interesting that most here are not interested in helping this man make his marriage work, but instead are telling him to dump his wife. 
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aicirt
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Let’s suppose the OP is a woman, your daughter, she’s been married for five years, has no children because he doesn’t want them (breaking of vow right there), she is not allowed to see you because he doesn’t want her to see you, he’s estranged from his own family, he is argumentative, blames her for everything, counseling has not helped, and she no longer even comes with him to any functions because he usually makes a scene.I find it very interesting that most here are not interested in helping this man make his marriage work, but instead are telling him to dump his wife.
Now what do you do to help your daughter whom you cannot have over because of her husband. BUT one day she takes a chance and tells you what has been going on: A. Tell her to get out now or B. She’s made her bed and has to lie in it?
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maryjk
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Why does it have to be A or B? Aren’t there other options?
Do you recommend everyone in a bad marriage to jump ship? Marriage shouldn’t be disposable.
How about we recommend that the OP find a Catholic therapist. Or talk to his priest? Or lay down the law at home? Rather than telling him that the vows he made are meaningless and he needs to get out and get out now.
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aicirt
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Because, quite honeslty, not all marriages can be saved. He’s been in it for five years. There is truth in the saying unequally yoked.
Yes, and I would advocate that it is better to leave now than to bring a child into this mess. A child should not be used to hold a bad marriage together. In the end, the couple still splits and the child is left with a Mom who is mean.
She doesn’t want kids. So be it . Get the marriage annuled and move forward.
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maryjk
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So in four posts you have enough information about this marriage to say that it can’t be saved.
I never said that he should try to have a child to hold the marriage together.
You might want to know that it isn’t as easy as “get the marriage annulled.”
I don’t think it is the place of anyone here to tell the OP he should get out.
He has not indicated that he is afraid for his safety. (If he is, then yes, I agree he should get out YESTERDAY!)
But I do think that whatever he has tried to fix the problem in the past has not had any positive affect on the relationship. That suggests he should try something different. Leaving is one of those possibilities but it is not the only one.
There are things the OP can do without leaving. He can reestablish relationships with family and friends. He can go to school, join a club, or get involved in some ministry at his parish. He can continue to go to individual counseling. This is pretty much going to have to be solo activity.
All this is probably going to make the wife even more unpleasant but she will ultimately have to accept this new paradigm or initiate changes herself. The OP may not be able to save his marriage but he can still make some positive changes while trying.
He has not indicated that he is afraid for his safety. (If he is, then yes, I agree he should get out YESTERDAY!)
But I do think that whatever he has tried to fix the problem in the past has not had any positive affect on the relationship. That suggests he should try something different. Leaving is one of those possibilities but it is not the only one.
There are things the OP can do without leaving. He can reestablish relationships with family and friends. He can go to school, join a club, or get involved in some ministry at his parish. He can continue to go to individual counseling. This is pretty much going to have to be solo activity.
All this is probably going to make the wife even more unpleasant but she will ultimately have to accept this new paradigm or initiate changes herself. The OP may not be able to save his marriage but he can still make some positive changes while trying.
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aicirt
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I know you didn’t say he should have a child. When you are married and continue with maritial relations there’s always a good chance of having a child. There is also the possibility that getting pregnant might be, in her mind, a way to keep him.So in four posts you have enough information about this marriage to say that it can’t be saved. I never said that he should try to have a child to hold the marriage together.
You might want to know that it isn’t as easy as “get the marriage annulled.”
It may not be easy to get the marriage annulled but it might be a lot easier than living in misery.
It is my understanding, and correct me if I’m wrong, but Catholic couples are usually asked if they intend to have children which is the whole purpose of marital relations. Seems to me she wasn’t truthful.
Yes, I do think there’s enough information. The woman lied, she’s mean, no change has happened in five years.
Would you think differently if the OP was female?
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aicirt
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Not saying he should get out leaves the OP to think he should stay.
I think your suggestions are good. The main deal breaker for me would be the fact that after marriage he discovered she doesn’t want kids. Personally, if I tried to convince my husband about having a family and failed, I’d be out of the marriage. As far as I’m concerned, I wouldn’t have a marriage.
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aeu76
Guest
I was going to lay low and not reply, but after reading a few comments I decided to.
Thank you everyone for your comments, advise and suggestions…
To the comments on physically abuse… (it has not happened in several months)
I am not afraid day to day, or even month to month but I am long term. It has happened before, and she has threatened it will happen again. I know I need to put behind me(forgive), but it is difficult do. What happens when I let my guard down?
I have talked to priest(s) and counselors, they half help me greatly. I have grown leaps and bounds because of these people. I am not going to get into the details, but I have explored many options.
Someone mentioned about trying something different, I have tried many, other than leaving her. When I talked to people(not only the priest and consular) they are amazed, at what I have done. I have only shared bits and pieces of what I have done. We have been married for 4 years, I have greatly change of the 4 years on done many different things. I do not have the time to share each of them, some of them drastic some of them not.
This is only one small piece of everything. Thank you for the ones who comments about this…I currently feel safe and believe I am, so do not worry about this, BUT. If a female co-worker told you stories about her husband emotional abusing her and has hit her in the past “what would you say to them?”… Yes men stronger, but
To the suggestion of clubs, establishing friends, etc, this as only made things worse. I will spend a few hours a month and then again a few hours a couple months letter, I hear I hear “Leave you parents, cleave to your wife”. I joined a bowling league at church and tells me she is jealous each and every day I come home from it. It is only 16 times a year.
I gave a my wife a letter on Sunday, “One page”, spent several days writing it, and used (name removed by moderator)ut from my consular. My wife told me 2 days after getting the letter, she read up to the second sentence, when I said “we need to find better ways to communicate” she stopped reading.
Thank you for your import, everyone… I think if nothing more feel like a have got some prayers from people here. I have a milestone family event this weekend, and this is going to say a lot of what my wife is willing to do.
I meet with my consular again next week, and we are going to have a lot to cover.
Thank you everyone for your comments, advise and suggestions…
To the comments on physically abuse… (it has not happened in several months)
I am not afraid day to day, or even month to month but I am long term. It has happened before, and she has threatened it will happen again. I know I need to put behind me(forgive), but it is difficult do. What happens when I let my guard down?
I have talked to priest(s) and counselors, they half help me greatly. I have grown leaps and bounds because of these people. I am not going to get into the details, but I have explored many options.
Someone mentioned about trying something different, I have tried many, other than leaving her. When I talked to people(not only the priest and consular) they are amazed, at what I have done. I have only shared bits and pieces of what I have done. We have been married for 4 years, I have greatly change of the 4 years on done many different things. I do not have the time to share each of them, some of them drastic some of them not.
This is only one small piece of everything. Thank you for the ones who comments about this…I currently feel safe and believe I am, so do not worry about this, BUT. If a female co-worker told you stories about her husband emotional abusing her and has hit her in the past “what would you say to them?”… Yes men stronger, but
To the suggestion of clubs, establishing friends, etc, this as only made things worse. I will spend a few hours a month and then again a few hours a couple months letter, I hear I hear “Leave you parents, cleave to your wife”. I joined a bowling league at church and tells me she is jealous each and every day I come home from it. It is only 16 times a year.
I gave a my wife a letter on Sunday, “One page”, spent several days writing it, and used (name removed by moderator)ut from my consular. My wife told me 2 days after getting the letter, she read up to the second sentence, when I said “we need to find better ways to communicate” she stopped reading.
Thank you for your import, everyone… I think if nothing more feel like a have got some prayers from people here. I have a milestone family event this weekend, and this is going to say a lot of what my wife is willing to do.
I meet with my consular again next week, and we are going to have a lot to cover.
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aicirt
Guest
OP I’m not directing this at you but you brought it up in your last post and I’d like to clear this up for those who are reading this…“Leave your parents and cleave to your wife”…has become the mantra of women who don’t want to be bothered with the man’s family.
NO WHERE does it say after the 4th Commandment (Honor Your Father and Mother) that this commandment disappears the day you wed. You are not required to love your parents but you are required to honor them. And this is required of both the man and the woman.
I really think the above needs to be discussed along with forms of abuse during Cana.
NO WHERE does it say after the 4th Commandment (Honor Your Father and Mother) that this commandment disappears the day you wed. You are not required to love your parents but you are required to honor them. And this is required of both the man and the woman.
I really think the above needs to be discussed along with forms of abuse during Cana.
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aeu76
Guest
Thank you aicirt…
Of the many things should have been discussed before marriage(forced to in pre-cana)…There are going
Family visits was one of those… before we dated my wife went to church, the breakfast and then cut her parents law EVERY Sunday. Even during dating we and\or she would still do so about 2 a month. Now she can go 3-4 months and not see her parents, one month without a phone call, they call and she goes days and not call them back. My wife changed what she thought appropriate family visits just days after we got married, because we did not live together before marriage I did not push the issue.
Another thing I wished we discussed, if one of use begins using physical violence how are were going to handle?
The priest that ran our one-day per can said, they are several things on these piece of paper that I give you as you walk out the door, (he cut the day short. ) If you get a change talk about them, “One of those things is?”, if one of cheats what are we going do?
Of the many things should have been discussed before marriage(forced to in pre-cana)…There are going
Family visits was one of those… before we dated my wife went to church, the breakfast and then cut her parents law EVERY Sunday. Even during dating we and\or she would still do so about 2 a month. Now she can go 3-4 months and not see her parents, one month without a phone call, they call and she goes days and not call them back. My wife changed what she thought appropriate family visits just days after we got married, because we did not live together before marriage I did not push the issue.
Another thing I wished we discussed, if one of use begins using physical violence how are were going to handle?
The priest that ran our one-day per can said, they are several things on these piece of paper that I give you as you walk out the door, (he cut the day short. ) If you get a change talk about them, “One of those things is?”, if one of cheats what are we going do?
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