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Shannon46
Guest
Sounds like it’s time to bail out of that mess and move on with your life somewhere else.
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E_7
Guest
Try a marriage retreat. I’ll say a Hail Mary for your marriage.
✟Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death. Amen. ✟
Blessings!
✟Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death. Amen. ✟
Blessings!
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HisIsTheCrown
Guest
That is for everybody else.
Catholics keep fighting to the end.
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aeu76
Guest
So I have big and small issues in my marriage…
I just to stay away from the issues and stick to the problem, I know many people year deal with a bunch of things themselves I will mention just 2. I was not going to post today, but after what happened I decided to. I only started this thread a few days ago, almost to gather my thoughts, and see if someone had some suggestion to help.
I do not need help with these next 2 issues, just decided to throw them out there. For people that now someone like my wife it will make more since because things like these happen day in and day out.
Issue one… I need the check book for a repairman coming today, I need to leave work a bit early and will be home before her. Last night I asked my wife to get the checkbook out, and she did as soon as I asked. So this morning when I when I walked into the kitchen and saw the book sitting there I realized I did not remember if I thanked her or not thought it would be a good idea to do so. “Thank you for getting out the checkbook!”, this was the response I got. “I did that last night and you thank me, do you realize it would have been really nice if you would have also thank me for the description of the bookmarked the checkbook, and the placement I used to you could find it. Sometimes just a simple thank you is not just enoguh!”
Issue two that can up a few days ago. (I had my own home before we got married, and when I moved into it needed a new bed, this was 7 years ago not the 4.5 when we got married.)(for some reason I have not idea what made me decide to purchase a queen sized bed)
*This happened just 1 week ago,
She said “You should have waited to upgraded your marriage bed until we got marriage. I only has a single bed until we got married. This is a decision that you should have waited for until you found your wife until you got a bigger bed, and this is the way it is supposed to be”
I said “Every time this is mention this I offer\insist and have done so from the first time you ever mentioned this, we could purchase new bed”
She then says " I refuse to do so, we would be wasting our money, so because you messed up and made a stupid decision, I will remember that our first marital bed was something was purchase before we got married and that you should have waited on.
*
I just to stay away from the issues and stick to the problem, I know many people year deal with a bunch of things themselves I will mention just 2. I was not going to post today, but after what happened I decided to. I only started this thread a few days ago, almost to gather my thoughts, and see if someone had some suggestion to help.
I do not need help with these next 2 issues, just decided to throw them out there. For people that now someone like my wife it will make more since because things like these happen day in and day out.
Issue one… I need the check book for a repairman coming today, I need to leave work a bit early and will be home before her. Last night I asked my wife to get the checkbook out, and she did as soon as I asked. So this morning when I when I walked into the kitchen and saw the book sitting there I realized I did not remember if I thanked her or not thought it would be a good idea to do so. “Thank you for getting out the checkbook!”, this was the response I got. “I did that last night and you thank me, do you realize it would have been really nice if you would have also thank me for the description of the bookmarked the checkbook, and the placement I used to you could find it. Sometimes just a simple thank you is not just enoguh!”
Issue two that can up a few days ago. (I had my own home before we got married, and when I moved into it needed a new bed, this was 7 years ago not the 4.5 when we got married.)(for some reason I have not idea what made me decide to purchase a queen sized bed)
*This happened just 1 week ago,
She said “You should have waited to upgraded your marriage bed until we got marriage. I only has a single bed until we got married. This is a decision that you should have waited for until you found your wife until you got a bigger bed, and this is the way it is supposed to be”
I said “Every time this is mention this I offer\insist and have done so from the first time you ever mentioned this, we could purchase new bed”
She then says " I refuse to do so, we would be wasting our money, so because you messed up and made a stupid decision, I will remember that our first marital bed was something was purchase before we got married and that you should have waited on.
*
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Serap
Guest
My father has NPD and he thinks he is right all the time he has never changed at age 66. He has been married 4 times and my mother was #2 and he lied to her and she found out through someone that he was once married.I find it very interesting that most here are not interested in helping this man make his marriage work, but instead are telling him to dump his wife.
If a person is a narcissist they will NEVER change.
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Serap
Guest
This isn’t a bad marriage…this is a toxic marriage.
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Serap
Guest
That’s not true. God doesn’t want his children in toxic abusive marriages.
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Serap
Guest
VERBAL ABUSE.
She’s horrible!!!
This is not about you and the bed or the checkbook, it’s about her controlling you. She is a verbal abuser and I advise you to read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. It’s from a femail perspective, but it’s really good.
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maryjk
Guest
IF a person is a narcissist, we have no idea if this person qualifies.
You know this just from what the OP has posted? With no personal knowledge of him or of his wife?
It could very well be that this marriage can’t be saved. But I find it incredible that anyone could think they can diagnose someone as being a narcissist from just a few posts on line.
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Serap
Guest
Yes I do. I do not feel the need to justify my opinion.
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aeu76
Guest
I needed to stop back in after a few comments I saw that were posted…
First off I apologize for my bad grammar, I was in a hurry this morning and wished not to get questions from my wife because I was using my computer. I am really better at grammar than my last few post.
Yes, I know my wife can be abusive, and something must end, (Even if I can not get her help that may save my marriage, I need to help not only protect me but society. )
A large thing that I may be guilty of is not do more sooner or waiting this long to take major steps, but because of the abuse it is ever so difficult. I have a support network that I will be able to step into when and if it needed. My wife has alienated most everyone we know, I do not really know anyone that I can reach to ahead of time if and when I need to take a couple days away.
Not sure why but I decided to add this extra tidbit but… I do not know her brother well but because of his position at work he must be a amazing communicator in both the individual and group setting. A few month ago I decide to send a short email, apologizing for a family event we missed. I also apologized for me not working harder on family relationships, but my hand are tied. This is part of the response I got back from him.
All things aside, when I start taking steps, (I think I will sooner than later). I worry about self harm to herself, I can not control this, but it is a concern of mine.
I have many things to discuss and address with my consular next week. The last few months I have not had as many meeting as I would have liked. Last one was 3 weeks ago, and it was 6 weeks before due to scheduling conflicts.
Lunch is over back to work…
First off I apologize for my bad grammar, I was in a hurry this morning and wished not to get questions from my wife because I was using my computer. I am really better at grammar than my last few post.
Yes, I know my wife can be abusive, and something must end, (Even if I can not get her help that may save my marriage, I need to help not only protect me but society. )
A large thing that I may be guilty of is not do more sooner or waiting this long to take major steps, but because of the abuse it is ever so difficult. I have a support network that I will be able to step into when and if it needed. My wife has alienated most everyone we know, I do not really know anyone that I can reach to ahead of time if and when I need to take a couple days away.
Not sure why but I decided to add this extra tidbit but… I do not know her brother well but because of his position at work he must be a amazing communicator in both the individual and group setting. A few month ago I decide to send a short email, apologizing for a family event we missed. I also apologized for me not working harder on family relationships, but my hand are tied. This is part of the response I got back from him.
I don’t know, nor can I fathom, why my sister feels or acts towards me the way she does. (His wife name) and I have talked about this many times, and we cannot come to a fruitful conclusion. As it has been, with each passing year, I walk on proverbial eggshells around her for fear of her creating a scene, saying something offensive, or even acting aggressively.
All things aside, when I start taking steps, (I think I will sooner than later). I worry about self harm to herself, I can not control this, but it is a concern of mine.
I have many things to discuss and address with my consular next week. The last few months I have not had as many meeting as I would have liked. Last one was 3 weeks ago, and it was 6 weeks before due to scheduling conflicts.
Lunch is over back to work…
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Serap
Guest
It’s not you. You are not the bad guy. You have been a victim for 5 years and you are now coming to the realization and this will take you to “survivor” status. You will eventually go from “survivor” to “thriver”.
Think of yourself as a dandelion. No matter how much cloud cover you get, you can still blossom into a yellow flower and multiply (i.e. be strong). In my abusive childhood, I had a counsellor once refer to me as a dandelion child. I really liked that analogy.
Men are abused too. It would be a better society if we better woke up to that fact.
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HisIsTheCrown
Guest
I do not think that children are that weak. Should we be strong as them.
After all, who here has a spotless marriage?
I have seen dozens of children who came from such marriages stronger and searching for better ways so solve the problems.
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HisIsTheCrown
Guest
She has got several problems here:
*]she thinks that hers is the only way of doing things.
*]she is fussy on details.
*]she is too demanding on you. Now the question would be interested on knowing is whether she does the same to you. That is, if you do a favor to her, whether she does all the elaborate thanking that she demands you to do. If she does, boy, maybe you have to learn all that elaborate manners that seem coming from Old Kings courts. If she does not, then she must notice that through your dialogue.
For me, and I am not clear about all the details, she has a way of seeing things that is out of touch with reality.
She needs you to put her into contact with reality and that will not go without some tough and hard discussions. To know when to discuss and when to shut up is hard, but she needs someone who confronts her and say: “Between husband and wife that is not the way you deal with a checkbook. Period.”. Why? Because, I am the husband and I said so. Period.
This argument is not funny for it is the argument she uses: “I am the wife, I say that thanking for a checkbook it is this way and it is this way because I said so. Period.”
The problem is that with persons like your wife, the more you comply with her wishes, the more she will be demanding till you will be a slave. I think you are complying way too much with her wishes. I think you must start saying no much more ofter, with love and care, but no.
Someone must stand to her, softly, lovely, with care and friendship but with an firm and unshakable decision that will not bulge one millimeter. She needs that.
She seems to be an anxious person, who is not sure of herself, so she just go cray ways. She seems to search for attention and I think that she is searching for someone to put her firmly but caringly into place for she seems not to know where she belongs (no one makes a fuss about a checkbook!)
I may be wrong but down on her bottom, she seems to be searching for your firmness.
Unfortunately I cannot present you my sister-in-law. Your wife seems to be a copy of her (or the contrary). The only person who faces her it is me and we are very much friends and she likes me. I joke with her, I make fun about her way of doing things, she gets angry at me and I joke about her being angry, but she knows that I do not despise her. On the contrary, the whole family is afraid of her. And the whole family is furious that I get along with her !!!
GBY
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HisIsTheCrown
Guest
Exactly as with my sister-in-law. Everybody was afraid of conflicts and the more were afraid of conflicts, the less they knew her, and the less they knew her, the more she felt that no one paid attention to her and so, the ways of communication were being broken and I, who was in the middle, seeing both parties thinking totally different from each other.
Avoid discussions? That leads nowhere. You have to confront facts. Be charitable and discuss till the end of the world.
A psychologist used to say that marriages with discussions last, marriage where there is no communication fail.
My marriage was of a 10 year honeymoon of daily fights (and what a fights!). My elder son said that he would never marry a women with whom he would have fights. And so he did. My daughter-in-law is so sweet…
But our marriage survived and now it is the real honeymoon. We already know each other and we love much more than in the first day. Had we divorced (what no one of us considered !), we would miss the present Heaven !
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VivienneJ
Guest
After a lifetime spent teaching, I have seen very few children who come away from their parents’ toxic marriages stronger. The vast majority are themselves hurt and have great difficulty in their own relationships - children should never be brought into a troubled marriage.
However, I have a feeling that Serap is referring to “God’s children” in this post, meaning the OP an adult is also God’s child, and not to the children from a marriage.
There needs to be a distinction drawn between the imperfections expected in normal marriage relationships (none of us is perfect) and the absolute disaster of a marriage where one of the partners is incapable of having a normal relationship - the OP may well be in a “Marriage that never was” as opposed to the kind of thing healthy marriages go through as two people learn how to merge their lives with Jesus Christ as the third person in the marriage.
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aeu76
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WOW, I got a lot of information here for a lot of different people, in fact it too much to take in.
Children would not be a good thing to introduce(not now and probably never), as you said they are strong but are not going to fix anything.
What I took from the dandelion comment(which I liked it), is just because I experienced this part of my life, I am not doomed for failure in the rest of my life. That I learned things and that I grew stronger because if it.
To: HisIsTheCrown you provide a different look at in the it seems many of the others, some of the information is helpful. I do feel like some of things you mentioned I have attempted for at least a few weeks at time. Some of which why I am still working on this 4 years later. (I tried some as early as 1-2). You mention the less work that happened, the worse things got, the problem is my wife refused to “anything”. My wife refused to only see my parents 3,4,5 times a year, they live locally and never for more that 3 to hours at a time. If she refuses to try nothing can happen. Her mom calls the house after not speaking to her daughter after several weeks, calls again a few days later, sends email asking dear daughter I love you please call me. My wife refuses to call back and ask if I can instead. There are not spotless marriages and I knew this going into marriage, but if my wife refuses to work on the marriage with me???
Children would not be a good thing to introduce(not now and probably never), as you said they are strong but are not going to fix anything.
What I took from the dandelion comment(which I liked it), is just because I experienced this part of my life, I am not doomed for failure in the rest of my life. That I learned things and that I grew stronger because if it.
To: HisIsTheCrown you provide a different look at in the it seems many of the others, some of the information is helpful. I do feel like some of things you mentioned I have attempted for at least a few weeks at time. Some of which why I am still working on this 4 years later. (I tried some as early as 1-2). You mention the less work that happened, the worse things got, the problem is my wife refused to “anything”. My wife refused to only see my parents 3,4,5 times a year, they live locally and never for more that 3 to hours at a time. If she refuses to try nothing can happen. Her mom calls the house after not speaking to her daughter after several weeks, calls again a few days later, sends email asking dear daughter I love you please call me. My wife refuses to call back and ask if I can instead. There are not spotless marriages and I knew this going into marriage, but if my wife refuses to work on the marriage with me???
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Serap
Guest
Because she’s an abuser and wants to maintain control of you.
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HisIsTheCrown
Guest
I have 40 years experience working with people and I am still learning. I started now with an orphans place and I tell you, I am learning everyday.
When you know, you know. Even with closed eyes, you know which is the problem of a person with a known problem.
when you do not know, you do not know. You try 1000 times and you fail. Like working with AIDS, HIV, cancer. You just do not know. Then, you fight everyday, and fail everyday and the next day you start fighting again. If you give up, things are dead. If you do not things to go dead, you must fight everyday. Do not foresee the future. No one knows whether you will fight till the end of your life or you will find the solution tomorrow.
My father used to tell the story of the fellow who went to the watchmaker to repair a clock. The watchmaker looked to it carefully, took a fine tool, made a complex gesture and touched the clock. Close it and said: “It is working and it is 80 dollars!”. “What? 80 dollars for a small touch?”, asked the client, and the watchmaker replied: “Why didn’t you give the touch at your home?”
The solution can be at your side, a small touch but we do not know…But as we find it, it is as simple as that…
Now, on what you say.
Please do not say that your wife “does not want”. False.
A wife who does not call back her mother has got a problem, a very deep problem. It is not that “she does not want”. She is sick! How do you want her to see YOUR family when she does see hers? Do not count on her to work on the marriage !!! It is you, who seem to be sane, who have to carry all the burden, for you and for her. She is sick, brother, and you are the only one who can save the marriage. You must save yourself and cure her. Double burden!!! Like Jesus Cross who has chosen you to carry it.
Now, the first question I put when I do not understand things is WHY?
Why is it so that your wife does not want to see her mother? Why? Why?
If you go to the doctor, the first thing he wants to answer is what is your disease. So, you must give a name to your wife disease. Tell you, brother, she is sick. A person who treats a question of checkbooks the way she treated is sick, deeply sick. You must find why is she so, what are the causes of her sickness and why did she arrive to this point.
I do not like to give solution before one knows what she has.
You do not treat a tuberculosis like you treat a broken leg or a depression. Some people like to give solutions before knowing what the person has got, what is the problem, what is the sickness. It is like giving an aspirin to an appendicitis!!!
I find it very hard to find causes. With the orphans I am dealing with, I am tutoring a girl and after 2 years I still cannot get into the root of the problem. I am around it, she likes me I like her, all it is ok and that is nothing for “to like” is not enough to heal.
What I would suggest is to write down her history of life to see whether you can discover something. To see whether she is depressed or anxious. There are some internet tests for it, though one must take into account that THESE TESTS ARE NOT ABSOLUTELY RELIABLE and never, absolutely never, substitute the consultation of a doctor nor they should be taken into account as taking any medicine or remedy. They are just intended ofr information purposes.
God Bless You, Brother. I am keeping your info in my mind. Up to now, I think that your wife is a person who is afraid of the future, of changing things or ways or schemes of work and who is afraid of relying on others and maybe afraid of love.
Up to now. I may be totally wrong…
I’ll Pray for you.
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