We lost our baby

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Heather,
I am very sorry for your loss… you have my prayers. I know there is no way to heal the hurt of your family not being there when you needed them. I have lost more babies than I have living now after miscarrying in April… I stopped telling my family about my little saints (except one sister). My first loss was at 22 weeks… so hard! Obviously by that time everybody knows and the one thing I found was that some people just don’t know what to say and so they are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge that your loss was a real human baby… they so want to believe in the “blob of cells” mentality.

My other losses were at 6 weeks, 12 weeks and 9 weeks. Not too many people (besides here at CAF) even knew about the pregnancies. Anyway, I guess what I am hoping you can get from my experience is that sometimes family just doesn’t know how to feel, act, or even what to say… so they ignore, deny or trivialize. Don’t be too hurt… they probably just don’t know what to say to make you feel better.

My 22 week baby was part of a set of twins… when I told my dad… the strongest man I ever knew, his voice cracked and he had to hang up on me (we lived 15 hours apart). That meant more to me in retrospect than anything… that an unborn grandchild meant so much to him… it was much better than the other reactions I got… from mom telling me I was strong and I would “get over it” to people not speaking to me at all… my best friend chose that route because she too was having twins and hers were healthy… (survivers guilt???).

In time I pray that you and your sisters heal from this and become closer than ever… even if they never see that life for what it was… a precious baby, a blessing from God, you know your precious son for the blessing he not only was but still is.
 
Heather, I’m so sorry! And I’m really gobsmacked at the attitude of your sisters…at 19 weeks it’s a small baby, and it LIVED inside of you! I hope they will realise how unfeeling they were…Praying for you and your family!!!
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m praying for Our Lady’s intercession to bring you peace.
 
heathernoel said:
I was 19 weeks pregnant, and we lost him. Marshall, our first son, the fourth of our children, was born on March 30 after a hard day’s labor.

We heal every day a little bit more, but I still have my moments. We have been advised to wait a cycle, and then we can ttc. That’s coming up soon!

What hurts the most is I have lost my sisters in all this. They didn’t come to his prayer service. Apparently, we aren’t respecting the “he wasn’t born alive, therefore was never a person” p.o.v. If I have to choose between the two…well, it’s goodbye to them.

My mom passed away two years ago, and this would make her just SO sad. But I am hurt, and I will not stand for my son to be dismissed that way.

I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but what makes your mom sad is your very real sadness. She is your mom and your grief makes her sad. She knows that all she can do to help is pray for you. She probably longs to hold and comfort you.

But if I know grandmas, she is thrilled to have her grandson with her to wait for the rest of you.

He is home in an urn…he was 3.35 ounces and 6.5 inches. He looked exactly like DH. He will always be my angel.
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I posted this on another thread, but Selah’s lead singer and his family just lost their fourth child. They wrote a song about it. You can scroll down to read the words and watch the video.

audreycaroline.blogspot.com
 
Thank you, each of you. Your kind words, suggestions, and prayers, stay with hubby and I each day. We are healing, and trying to help our little ones heal too. Our oldest, 8, wants to buy Marshall shoes so he’ll look his best for Jesus. Brings me back to “Christmas Shoes” and the death of my Mother. AH!! But, we are healing.

They miss their aunts. I have forgiven them, but that does not mean I want to sit and have lunch with them. I’m not that big of a person, yet.

When I get home, I will post a link to pictures of Marshall. In my eyes, he’s the perfect copy of my husband. To others, he’s a baby at 19 weeks. I can’t wait to show him off.
 
I’m a mommy of a little saint too (12 weeks). Prayers for you.
 
You and your family are in my prayers. Im so sorry for your lost. But remember, he’s home with the Lord. He didnt have to suffer any of the hardships of this life. He is in Eternal Paradise. God Bless you and your family and your son!
Jacob :signofcross:
 
Hi Heathernoel,

I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But God in Jesus does.

Some words of comfort:

Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;

The Holy scriptures teach us that babies that die go to be with God in heaven.

2 Samuel 12:22,23

And he (David) said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, Who can tell God will be gracious to me, that the child may live. But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? *I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. *
Matthew 19:13,14
Then were brought to Him little children, that he should put His hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Suffer (allow) little children, and forbid them not, to come unto Me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

Jonah 4:11
And should not I spare Ninevah, that great city, wherein are more than six score thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

I will be praying for you.

Jonathan
 
Heather - I am so terribly sorry to hear about your loss.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers…
 
Heather,

I’m so sorry for your loss. :hug1: I miscarried my first child in October at four and half weeks. Even now, after over 6 months, I still miss him every day and still grieve over him.

Big things like death can bring many family problems to a front. I don’t have a good relationship with my mother, and my miscarriage brought some of that to a head. I also found that there were many hurtful things said by family members and friends. “At least you know you can get pregnant, some people can’t even do that.” “Maybe it wasn’t really a baby.” “You can always have another one.”

But for every hurtful comment (and some of them are just out of ignorance, not spite) there was a kind, loving one from women who actually understand and have grieved the loss of a child as well. I know I never knew what to say about a friend’s miscarriage as well as when I had gone through that pain myself.

The people on CAF are wonderful…they understand. I hope you join us on the Mommies of Saints thread–sometimes you just need to talk about your little one, and you need someone to listen. :hug1:

God bless,

kevinsgirl
 
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;

This brings me SO much comfort. To know that He knows him…even when I can’t.

Our Deacon and priest tried to make it to the birth…they were on call. He was just born TOO close to Mass time. In the middle of it, we forgot that Joe could baptize him. Our Deacon assures as this is of no importance to Him…that our son is in His bosom.
 
I am so saddened that your sisters would be so dismissive of your pain at a time like this. You carried your little boy for 19 weeks, you felt him kick, he was very real to you.
Is it that they may have guilt of some sort so cannot acknowlege your son as a real person? I suspect there is something to that.
I pray that God comforts you and your family and blesses you all abundantly, until the day comes that you get to see your son again. He is safe and perfectly happy in God’s Arms.
God bless and praying for you.
 
heathernoel said:
I was 19 weeks pregnant, and we lost him. Marshall, our first son, the fourth of our children, was born on March 30 after a hard day’s labor.

We heal every day a little bit more, but I still have my moments. We have been advised to wait a cycle, and then we can ttc. That’s coming up soon!

What hurts the most is I have lost my sisters in all this. They didn’t come to his prayer service. Apparently, we aren’t respecting the “he wasn’t born alive, therefore was never a person” p.o.v. If I have to choose between the two…well, it’s goodbye to them.

My mom passed away two years ago, and this would make her just SO sad. But I am hurt, and I will not stand for my son to be dismissed that way.

He is home in an urn…he was 3.35 ounces and 6.5 inches. He looked exactly like DH. He will always be my angel.
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I’m so sorry.

:signofcross:
 
I’m so sorry Heather. While there isn’t much we can say to bring comfort, I like to picture all the CAF little saints (and there are many of them, including one who is mine) playing and rejoicing together with Mary and Jesus in heaven. I’m sure Marshall is with them.

I’m so sorry for the way your sisters treated you. Hopefully they will come to see how wrong they are.

Best wishes, and praying for your family during this sad time. :crossrc: :hug1:
 
The maltreatment by others is horrid, it was a big thing with Mother Teresa to forgive, I can even contemplate Jesus or visit Him in the Blessed Sacrament and pray and think about forgiveness.

I will prayerfully remember this little one.
 
I am sorry for your loss and understand your sorrow.

I lost a son at 20 weeks and it is hard. I understand you also feel abandon by your sisters right now. The loss is real and painful to you - your sisters cannot relate.

I am not going to minimize your pain. I am only going to offer suggestions for their possible lack of compassion.
Do they live close by? Have they seen you pregnant? Do they have kids themselves and can understand the love of a parent for an unborn child? Are they each going through trials and problems in their lives? There are so many reasons why your sisters may have no participated - though to you, it was the most important moment.

They do not have the level of grief you do, and absolutely did not have the attachment to your baby as you did.

This is so real in your life, so painful and such a let down. You have not lost your sisters. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve and try hard to forgive your sisters for if they have never experienced what you are going through, then they have no clue.

I am sorry and will say prayers of healing. Honestly, not sure if one ever heals from losing a baby so far along in a pregnancy - going through labor, delivery and seeing the baby - maybe even holding your son.
Who’s to say what God’s plan was, but it hurts.
 
Thank you. I am trying to be understanding that they might have a reason for their silence/hurtful words…but really, I am not at that point yet. RIght now, I think they should have looked outside of their own little worlds to see that I needed them…more than that, my girls needed them. They failed as aunts.

I am trying…today, I just feel hurt all over again.
 
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