Wedding and parents friends

Status
Not open for further replies.
A

AdamP88

Well-known member
As some of you already know, I’m getting married in a few months. (To a lady I met on these forums.)
We’re at the stage of sending wedding invitations out. The problem is that my mother insists that we invite all these distant relatives that we rarely see to the wedding. I have no problem inviting a few of her friends and relatives along. But if I suggest a limit or try to discuss the matter she starts an argument about how much I contribute to the household and how the least I can do is let her invite the people she wants.
Any suggestions on how I could resolve this and get her to understand that I don’t have the money to invite all the people she wants? She doesn’t seem to get that I’m not being a Buzzkill, I am just genuinely concerned about the cost.
 
AdamPeter said:
As some of you already know, I’m getting married in a few months. (To a lady I met on these forums.)
We’re at the stage of sending wedding invitations out. The problem is that my mother insists that we invite all these distant relatives that we rarely see to the wedding. I have no problem inviting a few of her friends and relatives along. But if I suggest a limit or try to discuss the matter she starts an argument about how much I contribute to the household and how the least I can do is let her invite the people she wants.
Any suggestions on how I could resolve this and get her to understand that I don’t have the money to invite all the people she wants? She doesn’t seem to get that I’m not being a Buzzkill, I am just genuinely concerned about the cost.
Click to expand...
What’s this about how much you contribute to the household? Do you live with her? If so its probably time to stop doing that.
 
And stop arguing with her about it. Just send out the invites to the people you want to attend. If she tries to bring it up, say “mom, the invites have gone out, so this no longer requires discussion”.
 
Do you and your fiancee have a preference for keeping it smaller and more intimate (without distant relatives you don’t know), or is it mainly a cost issue?

If it’s just about money, and you are paying for the wedding, could you suggest that she can invite them if she doesn’t mind contributing to the additional cost?

If you are living with your parents and not contributing a lot in the form of rent, utilities, or help around the house, it might be nice to just let her invite them if your fiancee doesn’t mind. If you are helping out financially and otherwise, however, I think it’s reasonable for you to ask that she contribute to the cost of any additional guests.
 
When dh and I got married, the inlaws had alot of extra family members, and also wanted to have some very elaborate things at the wedding too.
Dh and I had a budget for our wedding and told them. So they paid for everything over budget that they suggested.

If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money…kwim?
 
My father in law wanted to invite swarms of people to our wedding and we had to tell him “no”. As it was, two thirds of the guest list were his father’s 13 siblings and their spouses and children.
 
lemongrass80 said:
If you want your mother to respect your decisions and treat you as an adult, live like an adult, independently from your mom.
Click to expand...
Living like an adult and living with parents aren’t mutually exclusive. I live like an adult by contributing financially and doing gardening, cleaning, helping with younger siblings etc.

It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.
 
AdamPeter said:
It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.
Click to expand...
If the plans are already locked in place, then that is what I’d tell her - that you cannot spend money you do not already have in hopes that it will be given to you as gifts. So it is entirely on her to either provide the funds or stop the insisting.

If there is some leeway in the plans, then I’d increase the guest list, drop the meal entirely, offer light snacks to all guests and then go out after with your closest friends to a meal much later in the day.

I have never been a proponent of limiting a guest list due to cost for a wedding (once-in-a-lifetime event for all involved). DH and I deliberately did a very informal wedding and reception with cold cuts, soda pops, and beer only at a very informal venue for the simple reason we were not going to attempt to cut the guest list (over 200 before extending beyond close relatives and their children). Truth was only about half showed up but we had a great time (and lots of leftovers) 😃
 
AdamPeter said:
Living like an adult and living with parents aren’t mutually exclusive. I live like an adult by contributing financially and doing gardening, cleaning, helping with younger siblings etc.

It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.
Click to expand...
“No, Mom. Our budget already reflects that we may get money for gifts. On the other hand, we might not get any. I’m not going to return material wedding gifts that people chose just for us in order to have enough money to pay for guests I haven’t even seen for over ten years.”

By the way, has she been in the habit of going to a lot of the family weddings of these people? Maybe she can offer to pay for them if they come, since they probably won’t come and she just wants to invite them to be according to form–that is, because they invited her when their daughter married, even though she couldn’t come?

If she’ll call to get RSVPs and pay for those who come, fine. Otherwise, she’s going to have to tell her relatives that the wedding is *relatively small *and the bride and groom are only inviting relatives out to a certain degree. After all, if the parents of the groom get to invite 25 guests, the parents of the bride usually get the same number, even if they do not have as many relatives.

This may get difficult, but you are setting a precedent that will be held over the heads of your siblings when* they* marry. Stand firm.
 
It’s one day. they may not even come Suck it up. She’s your mother. Fight over this and you will regret it when she’s gone.
Just sayin’
 
pianistclare said:
It’s one day. they may not even come Suck it up. She’s your mother. Fight over this and you will regret it when she’s gone.
Just sayin’
Click to expand...
That kind of thinking is why we have mother-in-law jokes.

It is the first day of your married life and it will set a precedent not just for future decisions in which she thinks she has some stake but also for all the weddings of all the OP’s other siblings to follow. She is your mother, but you are an adult and the host actually paying for this event, embarking upon an independent life. Be nice about it, but stand firm.

If she wanted you to contribute more to the household financially, she could have said so in advance or at the time. Assuming she could add things to the tab after the fact is not according to Hoyle. There is no reason to believe that a son who lives with his parents until he marries is made of money. That’s a guy who is responsible with his bills, normally.
 
I don’t know how things are done in Ireland, but here the hosts (in other words, the ones paying) are the ones who decide the size of the guest list. Who is paying for the festivities? I would defer to them. And how does your future bride feel about all this? She has a say as well.
 
AdamPeter said:
Living like an adult and living with parents aren’t mutually exclusive. I live like an adult by contributing financially and doing gardening, cleaning, helping with younger siblings etc.

It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.
Click to expand...
Yes, the inlaws tried that to convince us that too. We told them we understood how they felt but that is a risk for us.

Be kind to your mom, tell her you understand but it may be a financial burden for you to do that–especially with the upcoming expenses of starting a life together with your wife.

You may have to say the exact same thing many times in different ways to come to an agreement .

Another solution is to reimburse her with their monetary gifts the extra people give and she lays out the money. This cuts the risk. But I would not dig into the other gifts to cover it. Just the extra guests that she wants. They may or may not cover the dinner.
 
Plans are already locked in to a certain extent. We can change the guest list at the moment. Up to about two weeks before the wedding. But dropping the meal is out of the question. Generally, in Ireland, the meal is a big deal (that rhymes) and very few people don’t have a meal. 200 guests is a bit out of the price range. There is the option of inviting people to the after party but not the meal.

I guess that it’s just a matter of keep explaining the same thing until she understands my concerns. Thanks for the suggestions so far.
 
lemongrass80 said:
If you want your mother to respect your decisions and treat you as an adult, live like an adult, independently from your mom.
Click to expand...
I do not agree with this thinking. And, I doubt his mom would act any differently even if he lived elsewhere. She is not respecting **the couple’s ** wishes. I agree that you should tell her that you can afford only X number of people, but if she is willing to pay (upfront ;)) for those guests she can’t live without, you would be willing to have them attend.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I do not agree with this thinking. And, I doubt his mom would act any differently even if he lived elsewhere. She is not respecting **the couple’s ** wishes. I agree that you should tell her that you can afford only X number of people, but if she is willing to pay (upfront ;)) for those guests she can’t live without, you would be willing to have them attend.
Click to expand...
That seems fair enough.
 
Dacinom said:
I think the problem may be that you are “suggesting a limit” to your mother. You have known her forever, you know her temperament, you probably know by now that she can be a bit forceful when she wants her way is my guess?. This is probably a woman that doesn’t do well with suggestions?

As soon as possible, sit down with your fiancé and write down exactly how many people you have in your budget for your mother to invite that are extras. Write it down and hand it to your mother lovingly. Tell your mother you are a responsible young man and she is welcome to invite six people, or whatever the number is. Every time your mother gets insistent upon more guests simply repeat yourself “I love you mother, six is the limit” “I love you mom, six is the limit” don’t argue, don’t debate, don’t give her the budget, nothing. Don’t get sucked into the drama with her just keep telling her you love her and what the limit is.

Asking you to use your potential wedding gift money to pay for guests is not fair. What if you don’t get enough cash are you supposed to sell your wedding gifts to pay for their food?

Congratulations and please be assured of my prayers!
Click to expand...
“…and it is the same limit we gave to Cassie’s folks, too. We have our guest list and there is a limit to how many people we can accommodate beyond that. We’re willing to allow that some people are higher on your list than on ours, but there is a limit. That’s the limit. We gave the same limit to her parents; we are not changing it.”

I would talk about this being “our money” and what “we” have decided and that both sides of the family have to be accommodated in the same way, because “we” decided that it what seems fair to “us”.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I do not agree with this thinking. And, I doubt his mom would act any differently even if he lived elsewhere. She is not respecting **the couple’s ** wishes. I agree that you should tell her that you can afford only X number of people, but if she is willing to pay (upfront ;)) for those guests she can’t live without, you would be willing to have them attend.
Click to expand...
Maybe the mom would have acted the same either way, but I bet it’s easier to be firm and direct with mom when you aren’t living in her house. Plus, the mom was the one that brought up household stuff.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top