Wedding and parents friends

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mommy_k said:
If your family is anything like mine, parents of the bride and groom take over the task of the table assignments, ie seating. They know who gets along better with each other and so on. This happens no matter who is paying.

As for the extra guests, you have a choice. Stick to your guns or let your mother lay out the money and she can be reimbursed by the gifts these people give. In our family, we do not give wedding presents, we give money. If they do not cover the plate, it isyour mother’s risk. This is the only compromise I can think of that will not affect your wedding gifts. If your mother says she does not have the money for this, kindly explain that you are in the same boat as you don’t have the money either.
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This is what I’ve been saying to her all along. She doesn’t seem to get that though. I’ve explained that we can’t afford these extra guests as we also have to finish paying for honeymoon, deposit for our home, and about a thousand euro on the wedding venue.

She just gets annoyed and doesn’t actually engage with the issue.
 
AdamPeter said:
As some of you already know, I’m getting married in a few months. (To a lady I met on these forums.)
We’re at the stage of sending wedding invitations out. The problem is that my mother insists that we invite all these distant relatives that we rarely see to the wedding. I have no problem inviting a few of her friends and relatives along. But if I suggest a limit or try to discuss the matter she starts an argument about how much I contribute to the household and how the least I can do is let her invite the people she wants.
Any suggestions on how I could resolve this and get her to understand that I don’t have the money to invite all the people she wants? She doesn’t seem to get that I’m not being a Buzzkill, I am just genuinely concerned about the cost.
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This can be a very common issue that arises. Since you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, I would suggest very gently (and lovingly!) explaining to your mother that you honestly can’t afford it although you’d love to be able to have all the extra people there to celebrate… You could mention your carefully-devised newlywed budget and how starting out as a married couple on your own will be very costly in the future. Then you could (again, ever-so- gently!) tell her that if she (and/or your fiance’s parents to sound fair!) wish to invite anyone over the previously-agreed- to number limit for each side, if they could provide the monetary difference for the extras, then it would be wonderful! If that’s not feasible for them, you’re truly sorry, but you just can’t go above your economic limit.

One way that others have tried to avoid this situation has been to book a reception at a location that has a small-to-moderate-sized room reserved for it that can only accommodate a maximum number of guests, but it may be too late for you for this. It’s something to consider, though.

Best of luck trying to please, and Our Lord’s blessings always on your future marriage!
 
The short answer is: No, Mom, we are not spending our wedding gifts to host guests we don’t want to invite. We have our guest list, and it is very limited. They are not on it. Sorry, but that’s the way it is. I’m not discussing it any more.

If you have room but no money and she offers to pay, you had better get it set in stone with her how much money she is proposing to pony up per head if they RSVP in the affirmative (or if you have to include them in the catering count, even if they don’t come). Do not let her backpedal later with the claim she had no idea how much money you were talking about.

It’s practice for later in marriage. This won’t be the last time your parents try to argue with you about your decisions. I can practically guarantee that.
 
EasterJoy said:
The short answer is: No, Mom, we are not spending our wedding gifts to host guests we don’t want to invite. We have our guest list, and it is very limited. They are not on it. Sorry, but that’s the way it is. I’m not discussing it any more.

If you have room but no money and she offers to pay, you had better get it set in stone with her how much money she is proposing to pony up per head if they RSVP in the affirmative (or if you have to include them in the catering count, even if they don’t come). Do not let her backpedal later with the claim she had no idea how much money you were talking about.

It’s practice for later in marriage. This won’t be the last time your parents try to argue with you about your decisions. I can practically guarantee that.
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Agreed
 
Dacinom said:
I am very sorry that you are going through this. With all Christian charity this is very sad, because of course your mother “gets it” that you don’t have the money it is a pretty easy concept to grasp. Clearly even a young child can understand the concept that a person doesn’t have the money for something it is very simple. The fact of the matter is, for whatever reason, good or bad, your mother wants her way and is choosing to ignore the things you are saying, but you probably already knew that.

I do not know the dynamic of the relationship between you and your mother. Is she typically a very reasonable woman? Is she typically manipulative? Is she usually an easy going woman but for some reason your wedding has her acting strange and demanding? It is difficult to know how to approach her because much depends on your history together as mother and son and if historically your relationship has been like this before in other ways with her being pushy or if she has otherwise been reasonable.
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She is normally grand. But she tends to get like this coming to weddings. It was the same for my brother’s wedding and I imagine it’ll be the same for my younger siblings.

I asked my brother’s advice and he just said to stand firm and that she’ll enjoy the day anyway.
 
AdamPeter said:
I asked my brother’s advice and he just said to stand firm and that she’ll enjoy the day anyway.
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Good! Believe him! Call him up, if you’re ever tempted to waver.

Have a wonderful wedding day! 👍
 
Irishmom2 said:
Really? That’s a bit extreme. There are things called compromise, and gratitude. I doubt any young couple is going to do without a wedding just to keep their parents from “putting their two cents in.”
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And if the wedding means that much to the couple, then they should learn to accept that parents who pay will want a say in the manner.

It doesn’t change my opinion and I have seen more than enough drama around weddings that I don’t think it is worth it. Sadly, I hear more drama than good. A very sad thing
 
Anglewannabe said:
And if the wedding means that much to the couple, then they should learn to accept that parents who pay will want a say in the manner.

It doesn’t change my opinion and I have seen more than enough drama around weddings that I don’t think it is worth it. Sadly, I hear more drama than good. A very sad thing
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Yes. But the parents are not paying in this case. My fiancee and I are.
 
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