Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[EasterJoy]

I’m a very modern woman, I will continue to work no matter what, I hate stereotypical bridal showers etc but…

Ahem. Excuse me for failing to stray slightly from topic, but…

Learn to say, “I will continue at my career no matter what,” please. Women who work their tails off every day are hardly a “modern” invention, and many of them in paid work would have quit in a heartbeat if they could, because they literally worked their fingers to the bone doing work for employers who used them like mules. Suffice it to say that parents who choose to stay at home do not like to be told that they have “quit working,” while women who work at paid jobs they would quit if they could do not want to be told they are not “modern.” If you have a job that you’d wouldn’t quit if you could, count yourself lucky. None of us could get through life without the labor of those who work because they must work, rather than because they love their jobs so much.

To bring this back to the topic of the thread, weddings are places where the assumptions and attitudes from two families rush in from across the generations to collide with tremendous momentum. It pays to think very carefully about how the things you say might unintentionally come off the wrong way. (Keep this in mind if someone is ever kind enough to throw you a bridal shower.)

 

[TeachCatechism]

That’s very sweet. I’m sure your Dad will appreciate it.

If work identifies a woman as modern than my grandmother was modern and she was born in 1875. My Mom was modern because she not only worked (had to because her husband died) but raised a child by herself, bought a house by herself, traveled all over the country, and I never lacked a thing in my life. This from a woman who did it all having complete secretarial studies in high school.

What exactly is a stereotypical bridal shower? It is okay to enjoy stuff. Better that than sticking bills down a guy’s shorts. Your not that modern are you?

With working. I just meant I wouldn’t be giving up work just because he wanted it or to have kids (which I’m probably not having anyway). To me a stereotypical bridal shower is a woman only affair with games and getting things like dishes. Not my thing at all. Also not interested in seeing male strippers either. If anything I’d have a few friends over and watch a movie

 

[TeachCatechism]

Ahem. Excuse me for failing to stray slightly from topic, but…

Learn to say, “I will continue at my career no matter what,” please. Women who work their tails off every day are hardly a “modern” invention, and many of them in paid work would have quit in a heartbeat if they could, because they literally worked their fingers to the bone doing work for employers who used them like mules. Suffice it to say that parents who choose to stay at home do not like to be told that they have “quit working,” while women who work at paid jobs they would quit if they could do not want to be told they are not “modern.” If you have a job that you’d wouldn’t quit if you could, count yourself lucky. None of us could get through life without the labor of those who work because they must work, rather than because they love their jobs so much.

To bring this back to the topic of the thread, weddings are places where the assumptions and attitudes from two families rush in from across the generations to collide with tremendous momentum. It pays to think very carefully about how the things you say might unintentionally come off the wrong way. (Keep this in mind if someone is ever kind enough to throw you a bridal shower.)

Actually if I get married I would be offended if someone threw me a women only bridal shower. This would tell me they didn’t take my preferences in consideration. No I wouldn’t quit my job no matter what, which is my point.I’m not getting into the stay at home/career discussions, but rather my point is I’m no way a traditional person.

 

[EasterJoy]

Naw…hugs for all and kisses too. Ever reach out to shake someone’s hand and they ignore it? Hmmm. Okay, I get it…germs. Took me awhile to get use to the Sign of Peace but then I realized that many around me are elderly and probably don’t have someone touching them at all. So I do make an effort to look them in the eye, give them a meaningful firm but not a knuckle crunching handshake and smile when I offer them the Sign of Peace. Touch is important. Are we off the subject?

No, I think that a wedding, like the Sign of Peace, is a substantial ritual–being as it is a part of the Mass, which is the ritual of substance par excellence–that people take different ways. You are gracious to consider how to express your attitude of divine communion with those around you in a way that is the most meaningful and comfortable to them, putting aside the way you would prefer for yourself. That is an excellent analogy for how to approach one’s role in a wedding and an excellent way to prepare yourself and them to receive Holy Communion together.

 

[1990Domer]

If you weren’t the woman you are, there would have been a huge drama!

As you go through the comedy of your life, you want to think about who they’d have to pick to play you in the movie…

Well, my husband flatters me by saying that Julia Roberts has the second prettiest smile. He’s sweet. But I’m rather homely, so Julia would be offended if asked. I could play me and have Andrew McCarthy play my DH. That would be a treat!

Sadly, both are now deceased and know I wasn’t the anti-Christ I was made out to be. From their vantage point, they can see how much I have loved their son for who he is and not his accomplishments and that we have been devoted parents to their only grandchild (who, to them, was damaged goods because he couldn’t express the love they desired).

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually if I get married I would be offended if someone threw me a women only bridal shower. This would tell me they didn’t take my preferences in consideration. No I wouldn’t quit my job no matter what, which is my point.I’m not getting into the stay at home/career discussions, but rather my point is I’m no way a traditional person.

Let it be widely known that you’d be *offended *if someone threw you a party to shower you with gifts unless the format of the party and the rest of their guest list is tailored to suit you and your way of doing things. You probably won’t have that to worry about.

No one is asking you to get into stay-at-home vs. career discussions. That is my whole point. If you want to stay out of those discussions, don’t talk as if you don’t need to have that discussion because you have arrived at the one right answer for everyone else.

Mostly, though, do not talk as if parents who stay at home with their children have “quit work.” They may have quit their paid jobs, but they have hardly quit work. There is a big difference. If you’re going to be easily offended, after all, the least you can do is to pay attention to the things you say that might offend others, too.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Let it be widely known that you’d be *offended *if someone threw you a party to shower you with gifts unless the format of the party and the rest of their guest list is tailored to suit you and your way of doing things. You probably won’t have that to worry about.

No one is asking you to get into stay-at-home vs. career discussions. That is my whole point. If you want to stay out of those discussions, don’t talk as if you don’t need to have that discussion because you have arrived at the one right answer for everyone else.

Mostly, though, do not talk as if parents who stay at home with their children have “quit work.” They may have quit their paid jobs, but they have hardly quit work. There is a big difference. If you’re going to be easily offended, after all, the least you can do is to pay attention to the things you say that might offend others, too.

Yes if I get engaged I’d let it be known I despise those showers so someone throwing one would be disregarding my feelings. A person who quits a job to stay at home doesn’t have a paid job, which is my point. My point being I’m not traditional and don’t believe in gender roles, which is why I don’t like women bridal showers. I don’t care if others do, I don’t.

 

[Allegra]

Yes if I get engaged I’d let it be known I despise those showers so someone throwing one would be disregarding my feelings. A person who quits a job to stay at home doesn’t have a paid job, which is my point. My point being I’m not traditional and don’t believe in gender roles, which is why I don’t like women bridal showers. I don’t care if others do, I don’t.

What a silly thing to be fussing about! Why would you “detest” a party where women get together and celebrate a friend or family member getting married? That’s just weird! You can’t have fun at a party unless there are males present? I could see a person saying that they prefer events that include the whole family, but that they “detest” having a celebration with their female friends or the female members of their own family?

 

[TeachCatechism]

What a silly thing to be fussing about! Why would you “detest” a party where women get together and celebrate a friend or family member getting married? That’s just weird! You can’t have fun at a party unless there are males present? I could see a person saying that they prefer events that include the whole family, but that they “detest” having a celebration with their female friends or the female members of their own family?

Because it’s a stereotypical party pushing women into traditional roles and making her into a little girl by playing childish games. No thanks, I never attend anyone’s showers unless they are either coed or something like a girls party (meaning women about the same age with no games). Several years ago a friend had a shower and it was a few of her friends sitting around talking and eating. This is fine but a shower with Great Aunt Mabel and toilet paper to make dresses? Yuck. Showers with games and women only? Nope never attend, they are boring. Besides, the groom will be cooking too (or in some cases mostly) why shouldn’t he attend?

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes if I get engaged I’d let it be known I despise those showers so someone throwing one would be disregarding my feelings. A person who quits a job to stay at home doesn’t have a paid job, which is my point. My point being I’m not traditional and don’t believe in gender roles, which is why I don’t like women bridal showers. I don’t care if others do, I don’t.

You did originally not write, “I would not quit my paid job.” You wrote, “I would not quit working.” Trust me, if you stay at home with your children, you’re not going to get to quit working. It is rude to imply that people who do childcare don’t work. That is just as true for those who care for their own children as it is for those who care for the children of others. If you think that the child care worker has a “real job” while the stay-at-home parent doesn’t, that doesn’t mean you value child care. That means you value money. If money doesn’t pass hands, you don’t think anything valuable has happened! Perhaps you don’t think work is valuable unless it takes a college education to do it? Good! Renounce anything that was done by the work of people who aren’t educated. Welcome to starvation.

Women can do things with a group of other women without it being about “gender roles,” too. Are you going to tell your mother-in-law to be and your sisters-in-law to be that asking your mother and you out to lunch without inviting all the men is “offensive”? That’s just another way of saying that you are too good to go to a party that has no men at it. How is it different when they want to throw a party for the women in the family to bring you gifts? Are you going to tell your husband he can’t have a bachelor’s party unless he invites you, too? Are you going to tell him he can’t join an all-male softball team because it would be too much about “gender roles” for you because you don’t go for that “traditional” stuff? I suppose he won’t be allowed to watch baseball or football, because there are no women’s leagues for that?

That is not to say you can’t have a preference. You certainly never have to agree to host a shower without men on the guest list! That is to say that the polite guest of honor doesn’t start dictating the terms of a party thrown in her honor until the hosts ask her. For all you know, the men on your husband’s side of the family do not want to be included. What are you going to do then? Refuse to let the women throw you a party because the men don’t want to come? That isn’t “modern.” That’s just rude.

 

[TeachCatechism]

You did originally not write, “I would not quit my paid job.” You wrote, “I would not quit working.” Trust me, if you stay at home with your children, you’re not going to get to quit working. It is rude to imply that people who do childcare don’t work. That is just as true for those who care for their own children as it is for those who care for the children of others. If you think that the child care worker has a “real job” while the stay-at-home parent doesn’t, that doesn’t mean you value child care. That means you value money. If money doesn’t pass hands, you don’t think anything valuable has happened! Perhaps you don’t think work is valuable unless it takes a college education to do it? Good! Renounce anything that was done by the work of people who aren’t educated. Welcome to starvation.

Women can do things with a group of other women without it being about “gender roles,” too. Are you going to tell your mother-in-law to be and your sisters-in-law to be that asking your mother and you out to lunch without inviting all the men is “offensive”? That’s just another way of saying that you are too good to go to a party that has no men at it. How is it different when they want to throw a party for the women in the family to bring you gifts? Are you going to tell your husband he can’t have a bachelor’s party unless he invites you, too? Are you going to tell him he can’t join an all-male softball team because it would be too much about “gender roles” for you because you don’t go for that “traditional” stuff? I suppose he won’t be allowed to watch baseball or football, because there are no women’s leagues for that?

That is not to say you can’t have a preference. You certainly never have to agree to host a shower without men on the guest list! That is to say that the polite guest of honor doesn’t start dictating the terms of a party thrown in her honor until the hosts ask her. For all you know, the men on your husband’s side of the family do not want to be included. What are you going to do then? Refuse to let the women throw you a party because the men don’t want to come? That isn’t “modern.” That’s just rude.

Nope, I wouldn’t accept a woman only bridal shower and they have to accept it. So what if men don’t like them? I hate them so doing something I hate is offensive. It would tell me they don’t value me. It’s not the same thing as the groom having a bachelor party or joining a male softball league. I hate women only bridal showers. Actually I would rather watch sports than most “women” things. I would walk out of a woman only shower because they disrespected me. It’s also not the same thing as the mother in law inviting me to lunch.

 

[EasterJoy]

Because it’s a stereotypical party pushing women into traditional roles and making her into a little girl by playing childish games. No thanks, I never attend anyone’s showers unless they are either coed or something like a girls party (meaning women about the same age with no games). Several years ago a friend had a shower and it was a few of her friends sitting around talking and eating. This is fine but a shower with Great Aunt Mabel and toilet paper to make dresses? Yuck. Showers with games and women only? Nope never attend, they are boring. Besides, the groom will be cooking too (or in some cases mostly) why shouldn’t he attend?

Is that your only complaint? Oh, good grief, a bridal shower does not have to have games. Most of the ones I have been to lately haven’t had them. The one shower I did go to that had games was for both men and women. The bride and groom had each been asked to reveal ten things that they had not yet told their fiancé about themselves. The game was that the group was asked to fill in the blank to answer the questions about those twenty things. The bride and groom were the first ones to hazard their guesses. The questions were posed and the answers given out via a PowerPoint show that had lots of adorable pictures of the bride and groom. Of course the groom’s family could answer some questions, the bride’s family could answer some questions, and the friends of the bride and of the groom could answer some, but almost no one knew all of the answers, not even the bride and the groom. It was actually a lot of fun, and helped everyone to get to know the bride and groom better.

As for the groom cooking, neither the bride nor the groom ought to put on a shower for themselves, because when people hear “shower” they will hear “bring gifts.” It was always traditional that not even the immediate family would host a party that qualified as a shower, but only an aunt, cousin, or friend. The purpose was to rustle up those little things that were needed by a couple starting a new home together but that would be thought too small for a wedding gift: spatulas, kitchen towels, potholders, little garden implements, things like that. Now, it is more a way to replace the “college grade” collection of that stuff that people usually still have when they get married. Of course, just like weddings these parties now take every imaginable form, including the co-ed form and the form where there is wine but no games…kind of like the book clubs where the group never gets around to talking about the book!

 

[TeachCatechism]

Is that your only complaint? Oh, good grief, a bridal shower does not have to have games. Most of the ones I have been to lately haven’t had them. The one shower I did go to that had games was for both men and women. The bride and groom had each been asked to reveal ten things that they had not yet told their fiancé about themselves. The game was that the group was asked to fill in the blank to answer the questions about those twenty things. The bride and groom were the first ones to hazard their guesses. The questions were posed and the answers given out via a PowerPoint show that had lots of adorable pictures of the bride and groom. Of course the groom’s family could answer some questions, the bride’s family could answer some questions, and the friends of the bride and of the groom could answer some, but almost no one knew all of the answers, not even the bride and the groom. It was actually a lot of fun, and helped everyone to get to know the bride and groom better.

As for the groom cooking, neither the bride nor the groom ought to put on a shower for themselves, because when people hear “shower” they will hear “bring gifts.” It was always traditional that not even the immediate family would host a party that qualified as a shower, but only an aunt, cousin, or friend. The purpose was to rustle up those little things that were needed by a couple starting a new home together but that would be thought too small for a wedding gift: spatulas, kitchen towels, potholders, little garden implements, things like that. Now, it is more a way to replace the “college grade” collection of that stuff that people usually still have when they get married. Of course, just like weddings these parties now take every imaginable form, including the co-ed form and the form where there is wine but no games…kind of like the book clubs where the group never gets around to talking about the book!

If it’s a coed party without games that’s fine. I just despise the ones with games and pushing stereotypes like “bring a recipe so the bride can cook”. If it’s a party with the bride and some friends that’s fine too. I don’t mind the questions but things like making dresses out of toilet paper is stupid.

 

[EasterJoy]

Nope, I wouldn’t accept a woman only bridal shower and they have to accept it. So what if men don’t like them? I hate them so doing something I hate is offensive. It would tell me they don’t value me. It’s not the same thing as the groom having a bachelor party or joining a male softball league. I hate women only bridal showers. Actually I would rather watch sports than most “women” things. I would walk out of a woman only shower because they disrespected me. It’s also not the same thing as the mother in law inviting me to lunch.

OK. You just dislike the company of women when they don’t have any men around and are entirely certain that a bunch of women can’t throw a party that you wouldn’t find boring. More to the point, if someone threw a party for you that you found boring, that would* offend* you and tell you that they don’t “value” you enough. Gotcha.

I don’t think you’re going to have to worry about having anyone insist on throwing you a bridal shower, so I think you’re good on this one. No worries!

 

[EasterJoy]

…If it’s a party with the bride and some friends that’s fine too…

Correction: You are entirely certain that a bunch of women *older than you are *can’t throw a party that you wouldn’t find boring and offensive. A shower is fine, as long as there aren’t any women your mother’s age there…

(Walking out of a party because you realize too late that no men had been invited is rude. Rejecting someone’s gift and reading them the riot act because they offended your politics is rude, too. You just need to say, “that was kind, but no thank you,” if you don’t want it, but do not criticize the gift and embarrass someone who may have only been trying to be kind to you.)

 

[TeachCatechism]

Correction: You are entirely certain that a bunch of women *older than you are *can’t throw a party that you wouldn’t find boring and offensive. A shower is fine, as long as there aren’t any women your mother’s age there…

No, when it’s a bunch of women playing dumb games and pushing stereotypes is when I find it offensive. I have the right to my opinion and I think stereotypical bridal showers with lame games are boring. I’d rather watch sports than attend one.

 

[EasterJoy]

No, when it’s a bunch of women playing dumb games and pushing stereotypes is when I find it offensive. I have the right to my opinion and I think stereotypical bridal showers with lame games are boring. I’d rather watch sports than attend one.

Yes, you have a right to your opinion. It doesn’t make it OK for you to be rude to someone who makes a good faith offer to do something they believe is nice for you. Honestly, I don’t think you’re a rude person! I’m just cautioning you about the mine fields that surround weddings. The bride and groom have to be very careful about expressing their wishes, especially when it comes to the parts of their wedding where someone else honors them with a party, lest they seem self-centered. It is not that they cannot have their own opinion or voice it, but they need to be very careful about how they do it, because others are all primed to take offense, too. It is a very emotional time! These are all people who will be your family or close to your family, the very people you will run into at every wedding and funeral for as long as you live. Sure, you and your husband have to defend your new “sovereign borders,” but diplomacy is in order!

For example, you may say, “That is so kind of you to offer, but you don’t have to do that. Besides, I’ve been out of college for quite a long time. Between John’s collection and mine, we really have all those little shower-gift kind of things we need–if anything, we’re going to have to get rid of some of what we have when we only have one set of kitchen drawers! I’d feel guilty if our family and friends brought us a bunch of gifts, even shower gifts, when they’re already buying wedding gifts, not when we don’t have the need that other couples have when they’re starting out.” Great. There is nothing wrong with turning down a bridal shower in your honor in that way. (Notice that I did express everything as being for both you and your husband-to-be, and not just for you and “your” kitchen!)

You can even accept but say, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but can we retire the traditional games? I know some people still like them, but I have resolved that I am never going to make another wedding gown out of toilet paper, and I don’t think I’m alone on that.” This is not the time to expound on the political importance of your stance. You have to put the feelings of the person who wants to honor you with a party ahead of your own. You can, however, express your opinion that these games have probably had their day and need to be retired, provided you are as kind as possible about how you say it and as gracious as possible about the way they handle your request. If you just cannot stand a party that doesn’t meet your specifications, then politely turn down the offer to throw you a party at all. (Whatever you do, do not turn down an offer by a relative of your husband’s but then accept an offer by someone else.)

You may find that it is hardly possible to turn down a bridal party given by your husband’s aunt without greatly upsetting every female on his side of the family. Do him and his mother a huge favor in that case: Sit through the shower with good grace and think of it as throwing your body on top of an etiquette grenade with the pin pulled. It is not such a great penance when the goal is shielding your new family from shrapnel coming from Aunt Sue and Aunt Mabel. (Boredom won’t literally kill you. That’s a myth.)

I hope none of that happens to you, really I do, but you do have to realize that no wedding is about just one person, not even the bride.

 

[Xantippe]

I haven’t ever been to a wedding shower, but I ADORE baby showers.

(I know we’re drifting off topic.)

 

[TeachCatechism]

Yes, you have a right to your opinion. It doesn’t make it OK for you to be rude to someone who makes a good faith offer to do something they believe is nice for you. Honestly, I don’t think you’re a rude person! I’m just cautioning you about the mine fields that surround weddings. The bride and groom have to be very careful about expressing their wishes, especially when it comes to the parts of their wedding where someone else honors them with a party, lest they seem self-centered. It is not that they cannot have their own opinion or voice it, but they need to be very careful about how they do it, because others are all primed to take offense, too. It is a very emotional time! These are all people who will be your family or close to your family, the very people you will run into at every wedding and funeral for as long as you live. Sure, you and your husband have to defend your new “sovereign borders,” but diplomacy is in order!

For example, you may say, “That is so kind of you to offer, but you don’t have to do that. Besides, I’ve been out of college for quite a long time. Between John’s collection and mine, we really have all those little shower-gift kind of things we need–if anything, we’re going to have to get rid of some of what we have when we only have one set of kitchen drawers! I’d feel guilty if our family and friends brought us a bunch of gifts, even shower gifts, when they’re already buying wedding gifts, not when we don’t have the need that other couples have when they’re starting out.” Great. There is nothing wrong with turning down a bridal shower in your honor in that way. (Notice that I did express everything as being for both you and your husband-to-be, and not just for you and “your” kitchen!)

You can even accept but say, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but can we retire the traditional games? I know some people still like them, but I have resolved that I am never going to make another wedding gown out of toilet paper, and I don’t think I’m alone on that.” This is not the time to expound on the political importance of your stance. You have to put the feelings of the person who wants to honor you with a party ahead of your own. You can, however, express your opinion that these games have probably had their day and need to be retired, provided you are as kind as possible about how you say it and as gracious as possible about the way they handle your request. If you just cannot stand a party that doesn’t meet your specifications, then politely turn down the offer to throw you a party at all. (Whatever you do, do not turn down an offer by a relative of your husband’s but then accept an offer by someone else.)

You may find that it is hardly possible to turn down a bridal party given by your husband’s aunt without greatly upsetting every female on his side of the family. Do him and his mother a huge favor in that case: Sit through the shower with good grace and think of it as throwing your body on top of an etiquette grenade with the pin pulled. It is not such a great penance when the goal is shielding your new family from shrapnel coming from Aunt Sue and Aunt Mabel. (Boredom won’t literally kill you. That’s a myth.)

I hope none of that happens to you, really I do, but you do have to realize that no wedding is about just one person, not even the bride.

If I get engaged I’ll tell them upfront I don’t like showers. If they decide to do one with games and women only I’ll decline. I’m not going to pretend to like something so they don’t get hurt, when in fact they would be hurting me by not respecting my wishes. It’s something I feel strongly about and everyone who knows me knows how strongly I feel.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I haven’t ever been to a wedding shower, but I ADORE baby showers.

(I know we’re drifting off topic.)

I hate baby showers even more but I’m not much into babies and definitely not interested in hearing about birth, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc. Luckily I know a lot of childless women so this is less of an issue. But yeah definitely off topic. I will say though weddings bring out many issues. For awhile I didn’t talk to my brother and sister in law after their wedding. We’ve healed the rift but it took awhile.