Well, I Made My Ex-wife Mad At Me

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I believe your kids are pretty small, but as a parent of older children, I have to say that at some point, the car turns into one of your best opportunities to talk to kids.

Also, after school is a great time for kids to talk to parents, because the news is just bursting out of them.

So, keep that in mind when making arrangements. Time driving is still time with your kidds.
 
Well, she did say “Fine,” did she not? So perhaps you could take her at her word and make plans to pick up/drop them off halfway.
Perhaps it would help if you just act like you assume she will act in the children’s best interests. “Of course, we both want what’s best for the kids, and it’s best for them if both our cars keep running, so I appreciate that you’re willing to go halfway with me on this.”
Expecting the best of people sometimes encourages them to better their behavior.
 
Fair. Not fair.
Reasonable. Not reasonable.

I’m speaking here as a single mom who’s been divorced for over 11 years, and my son is only 14. As a teacher, I make twice as much as my ex, who is a massage therapist, so I also understand having to be the main financial support (though this has improved dramatically in recent years, thanks God!).

I have been through A LOT with my ex around our son, custody, who pays what, and so on. We have no family in town, so everything has fallen on our shoulders alone to make things work. We had an “easy” divorce – no lawyers, did all the paperwork ourselves and presented it to a judge. My heart was still ripped to shreds, my son was a broken mess when his dad moved out, and I was angrier than I knew I could be (and that’s saying something for a fiery Latina like myself).

So please hear me when I say I completely understand your frustration and anger in this situation.

Feel free to vent here to your heart’s content, if it helps you.

But whether you are right or wrong, nothing anyone here says is going to change your situation. And fighting with your children’s mom(s) is not going to change anything for the better either.

Consider the possibility that you taking on the burden of doing most of the driving will also give you time to spend with your child(ren) in the car, telling stories, telling jokes, talking about life, finding out indirectly if their needs are being taken care of (which seems to be of genuine concern).

In the end, you will have to decide your own course of action, and whether it’s better to force the issue, or whether it’s better to maintain the peace. No one can answer that for you. But do consider the tender hearts of your children in all this – even if you never say an unkind word about their mother, they will know if there’s tension between you two.

And I absolutely agree with @Viki63 – sometimes expecting the best of people can encourage them to be better.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Time with children is still time with children. Even in the car. Put your happy to see them face on and make the most of it.

Regarding fair or unfair: she is the way she is and you can only change how you respond. Some men can afford to fight back, some learn how to be their own attorneys so they can fight back, some just bear down and take it even if it’s killing them and some just give up. It’s a choice every ex-husband has to make when faced with poor conduct on his ex-wife’s part.

IANAL but I will say I know a couple of men who learned how to do their own court filings to enforce the settlement so they didn’t have to spend money on attorneys. But it’s only fair to warn you that if you go that direction, you have to be willing to do the work to study the law in your state, to do your filings correctly and to have all your documentation be clear and impeccable. No guarantee of success getting what you want, but at least you didn’t spend money you don’t have on attorney fees.

Good luck, I am praying for your children. The children are always the ones who need our prayers the most.
 
Do whatever you need to do to see your kids even if you feel the driving is unfair. It is well worth it in the long term and you will never regret it. Fighting over issues like this I know from experience is worthless. Time is precious and time in the car can be used to relax, talk about school, share a common interest etc. Use it to your advantage while NEVER driving and texting of course.

I took the high road and my children somehow figured it out that I was the one that compromised for their well being… Children sense what is going on.

Let go of your resentment and find a way to make to work and your children will be the “winners” of this situation and not caught in the middle of a mom and dad struggle.

Best wishes sorting out this situation and God bless.
 
Blessings
I’m sorry. You have a right to speak up and ask for fairness. You job is important b/c you have to pay bills. Now, God is bigger than you know. If you two aren’t remarried, maybe as you have matured, you could reconcile slowly. Kids need their parents. For better or worse. Just don’t get stuck in worse. Don’t say Divorce say FIX IT.
Otherwise, don’t date till kids grow up and child supports done. (SORRY).
You let fear come in. You couldn’t change it. This is what you can do. She has to adapt. God says forgive the past. Work in the moment. Trust Him for the future. Don’t make a molehill out of nothing., I love this prayer…

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

– St. Teresa of Avila

Ephesians 3:14-21 New International Version (NIV)

A Prayer for the Ephesians
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
It’ll all be good.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
Both their mom and I are already dating other people. I obtained a lack of form and am free to remarry.

If I waited I would be over 60 years old when the child support is done.
 
Twenty-one miles one way. It doesn’t seem like much, but it adds up quick.
 
I talked with their mom again and while she is angry, she recognizes that she is angry with me because I said no to her for the first time since we separated. She realizes that her being angry is irrational and I am right to ask her to share the driving .
 
I live in Aus. I do a 32 mile round trip each time I go to town. If I go to work or Mass daily, that’s 32miles x 7 days…

I guess distance is not a thing here. You get used to it. I know a guy who travelled 124 miles at least, each weekend to get his son.
 
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lonegreywolf20 said:
I talked with their mom again and while she is angry, she recognizes that she is angry with me because I said no to her for the first time since we separated. She realizes that her being angry is irrational and I am right to ask her to share the driving .
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Woohoo! :+1:t4:
 
lonegreywolf20 said:
Both their mom and I are already dating other people. I obtained a lack of form and am free to remarry.

If I waited I would be over 60 years old when the child support is done.
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It sounds like you’ve been through this before (you mentioned other children in another state). I highly recommend reading the book Dating and the Single Parent. It was a huge help for me to see my choices of to date or not to date, who to date, how to help my children adjust to a new relationship, etc., from the perspective of my first vocation – PARENT.

I have dated on and off over the past 11 years, but nothing serious ever developed (I haven’t even kissed a man in that time). I feel better prepared for whatever comes having read that book – I see things in a new light and feel prepared to help my son should a relationship develop.

Since you are free to date and form a new relationship, make sure you have your interior ducks in a row, so to speak.
 
I have actually been dating my girlfriend now a year and seven months, my children have adjusted well to her and love her.

I may be at the point where the book will be of no help to me. I will however give it a look.
 
The thing I loved about the book is that it addresses relationships at every stage. It also has sections directed toward the person dating a single parent. So you and your girlfriend might still be able to get something out of it.

It’s an easy read, and doesn’t need to be read cover-to-cover.
 
Blessings
As St. Teresa prayed- Stuff happens . It will get better. If you have God, all will be good.
Hers is nicer. Be at peace.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice
 
lonegreywolf20 said:
This post was mainly about her anger towards me making a reasonable request.
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Actually your thread title says “I made my ex-wife mad at me”. This is a fallacy, as one person does not have the power to “make” another person feel anything. You could potentially trigger emotions in her, but the emotions belong to her, not to you. If she gets angry at something you said or did, her anger is her responsibility, not yours.
lonegreywolf20 said:
She didn’t like that I said no.
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It sounds like she wants you to bend over backwards to please her.
lonegreywolf20 said:
I am unsettled by all this, worried that there will be retribution in some way.
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I think this is valid, and you need to get a notebook and start documenting these incidents, so if and when you do end up back in court, you will have records to demonstrate the pattern of behavior.

You also need to stop focusing on what is “fair”, because it will only encourage resentment. Write it down, then go out of your way to do whatever you need to do for your kids.

Detach yourself from her anger. Focus on your own responsibilities and give her permission to feel whatever she feels.
 
You are already supporting two families, is it prudent to start a 3rd family? This will even more reduce your resources of time and money.

To be fair to the two families you’ve already got going, ixnay the dating until these kids are grown.
 
As I said, I have been with this girl for over 1 year and 7 months. I am not going to break up with her now!

By the time my last child is 18, I will be over 60. I am not waiting that long to start a relationship again.

Also, there will be no more kids other than the ones that we have as I was forced by my parents to get a vasectomy as a condition to live with them after the separation between my ex-wife and I. No vasectomy, no home. I chose a home and the priest I spoke with when I returned to the church absolved me because it wasn’t something I would have chosen unless I was under duress and I was.

So there will be a blended family, not making more kids.
 
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