What are some true deal-breakers for Catholics?

[jcrichton]

Petsmart.

He might try Petsmart, they’d probably have what he was looking for.

Hi!

…please, I didn’t mean to offend by asking that we show charity when we join a “Catholic” thread.

…thank you for your defense on the side of “liberté”

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[faithsmind]

Hi!

…please, I didn’t mean to offend by asking that we show charity when we join a “Catholic” thread.

…thank you for your defense on the side of “liberté”

Maran atha!

Angel

No, no, you didn’t offend. I think you misunderstood my joke about the offensive comments a poster made on choosing a certain type of person. I was referring the troll to a pet store in order to compare his treatment of women as pets instead of human beings.

Each person is entitled to his opinion, and matters of taste can not be disputed. We have a right to identify positive and negative traits within an individual and choose our company. But people are people; complex, varied, hormonal, capable of free will and the daily decision to love or hate, learn, and heal. Hopefully courting/dating will uncover a pattern, and a person will be keen enough to identify consistent traits within that pattern that would be conducive to raising children and being a committed and loving spouse. (for instance, a pattern of pride would not be conducive). Anything beyond that seems to be a matter of taste, and a vanity to me at least.

Selecting a Catholic spouse who agrees on the sexual boundaries of the faith seems like a no-brainer. Or if the person is not Catholic, he must be willing to go along with these faith boundaries and raise the children as Catholic. But I cant understand how a person who is not committed to the faith would authentically be a good team member of the essential goal of bringing their children and spouse with them to heaven. Marriage does not exist in an exclusive void of only “him and her” within a finite amount of time. I would recommend to my kids not to form a team with someone who has differing goals and understandings of marriage, family, and reality. Unfortunately, choosing a responsible, kind Catholic doesn’t automatically secure a marriage.

 

[jcrichton]

No, no, you didn’t offend. I think you misunderstood my joke about the offensive comments a poster made on choosing a certain type of person. I was referring the troll to a pet store in order to compare his treatment of women as pets instead of human beings.

Each person is entitled to his opinion, and matters of taste can not be disputed. We have a right to identify positive and negative traits within an individual and choose our company. But people are people; complex, varied, hormonal, capable of free will and the daily decision to love or hate, learn, and heal. Hopefully courting/dating will uncover a pattern, and a person will be keen enough to identify consistent traits within that pattern that would be conducive to raising children and being a committed and loving spouse. (for instance, a pattern of pride would not be conducive). Anything beyond that seems to be a matter of taste, and a vanity to me at least.

Selecting a Catholic spouse who agrees on the sexual boundaries of the faith seems like a no-brainer. Or if the person is not Catholic, he must be willing to go along with these faith boundaries and raise the children as Catholic. But I cant understand how a person who is not committed to the faith would authentically be a good team member of the essential goal of bringing their children and spouse with them to heaven. Marriage does not exist in an exclusive void of only “him and her” within a finite amount of time. I would recommend to my kids not to form a team with someone who has differing goals and understandings of marriage, family, and reality. Unfortunately, choosing a responsible, kind Catholic doesn’t automatically secure a marriage.

HI!

Thank you for the explanation.

I concur with you on what you’ve stated.

St. Paul offered that the Believers should not seek to get divorced from their spouses as they could not know if through them their spouses would find the Faith; he also cautioned that the children would benefit more from their marriage than from the divorce and the chaos that usually follows… so he asked that each should remain as he/she found the Lord (married, single, widow…); but he also Taught that a Christian should not be yoked with an uneven yoke. At that time there were no Christians around since they were fresh Converts… yet, as time progressed people have ignored the meaning… inter-Faith marriages do not normally work… that is a fact that many refuse to accept… Catholics, being more wide-eye, awe finding (everything outside the Church “moves” them) usually fall prey to both proselytizing and conversion through marriage/coupling…

…the saddest part is that many begin from the premise of “respect my belief…” yet, as with the issue of “conscience,” if that “belief” is not based on strong Understanding and Commitment of the Faith… well, as the saying goes: ‘he who stands for nothing, falls for anything.’

Now, as for the freedom to have an opinion… yes, I respect everyone’s opinion (the only one that matters to me is my own, though ); there are places for posting or unloading all sorts of gibberish; racist/offensive comments have hundreds if not thousands of venues on the net and off it; it takes commonsense to determine that a thread/site about Christianity should not be used as a venting forum for our aggressions and disgruntlement.

…we also must be careful to not use humor as guise for racism, criticism, and assault. Our willingness to accept other people’s quirks should be limited by reason and commonsense.

…I remember an old refurbishing of a term: WWJD–we should also apply it as WWJT (what would Jesus think?).

Maran atha!

Angel

 

[Luvz2travel]

Selfishness. It’s a big one for me. One of my last dates at the beginning of the year was with a guy that spent 40 minutes telling me how selfish he was and how he never wanted kids because of it. Now I’m not looking to have kids either at my age but I remain open to GODs will and would certainly never end life. Also I was raised to think of other and don’t have a lot of patience with self obsorbed people. Nice guy were just weren’t a good match.

 

[Norseman82]

1. No abuse current or past perpetrator or victim.

Unless there is a clear danger (such as the abuser being a parent or other family member who may pose a danger to them or their children or you), this is an absolutely HORRIBLE attitude for someone who claims to be a practicing Catholic to have! Where is the Christian compassion here? How do you think that is going to play out on judgment day? What side do you think such an attitude will land one, the sheep or the goats? Victims of abuse most likely are the ones who most need a good experience of family! Plus, they can teach us a lot, as they have seen a side of life that a lot of people have not seen, unless the problem is that it threatens the worldview of people in their precious little cliques.

/end rant

 

[KiwiBliss]

Alright everyone…I would like some general insight from reasonable Catholic people.

 When I first started dating, I had a long list of "requirements" that included physical appearance and personality, but also morals.  As I've grown, I've learned that my list wasn't exactly realistic (shocker!).  I also think a lot of Catholics have super high expectations, at least in my experience.

 There's an odd problem: we're not supposed to try to change anyone (people won't change unless they want to), but we're also supposed to be open to people and not write them off right away.  This is a confusing concept for me, as I've recently only dated devout Catholics (who had other reasons for not working out, like personality or desires).  Humans are imperfect, and I haven't been in many serious relationships where I've dealt with a lot of differences.

1. Religion - I used to require that someone I date is Catholic; changed that to Christian, but that doesn’t have to mean attending a service - it can mean that they have a relationship with God or desire one. While Catholic should = person striving for virtue, it doesn’t always. I have a few people in my family who are converts and I felt hypocritical just going for Catholics. Like I said, I know we aren’t supposed to try to change people, but does anyone have advice on not trying to convert someone even if we wish they were Catholic? Or can we be okay without them converting?
2. Politics Is politics truly a deal-breaker? A lot of people would say yes, but the funny thing is that the way I “politically identify” is generally totally different from the people I spend time with and enjoy. Some people aren’t familiar with pro-life teachings or have been raised in a different background, and I don’t know what is acceptable or not. Now if the other person is totally immersed in his political party, I’d steer clear, but I’ve found that most people just say “I personally disagree with that, but I don’t know if the government should control it” or something.
3. Number of kids Let’s say you’re far enough into a relationship when you talk about kids. Obviously we must be open to children, that’s a given. God gives you however many kids you should have, but should you both want the same amount? (Note: obviously the person should want kids in general, I know that haha, but does the amount preference matter?)
   
   And then of course personality, but I already have a good idea of what I need there (well, I’m sure I’ll find out if I’m wrong haha). I’m mostly just asking about these things like religion and politics that are notoriously polarizing. I have many friends of different faiths and political beliefs, but it gets much harder for me in dating relationships when that happens.

It’s hard to be patient and just let it all unfold, so I’m seeing if there is any general advice out there.

Some of my fav quotes that loved ones keep reminding me of:
~“Hide your heart in the heart of God, so that a [devout Catholic] man must go there and find it” (Anonymous).
~“To the wrong person, you’ll never have any worth. To the right person, you mean everything” (God’s Not Dead film).
~1 Corinthians 13
~Be yourself [presently]. Put God at the center of your life and everything will fall into place.
~Beautiful=BeYOUtotheFull (& see what happens).

I’m going to follow my own advice, but I too struggle to be patient and let things unfold, unexpectedly.

 

[KiwiBliss]

Another great quote:
~“The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it, cause anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for” (Anonymous).

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Unless there is a clear danger (such as the abuser being a parent or other family member who may pose a danger to them or their children or you), this is an absolutely HORRIBLE attitude for someone who claims to be a practicing Catholic to have! Where is the Christian compassion here? How do you think that is going to play out on judgment day? What side do you think such an attitude will land one, the sheep or the goats? Victims of abuse most likely are the ones who most need a good experience of family! Plus, they can teach us a lot, as they have seen a side of life that a lot of people have not seen, unless the problem is that it threatens the worldview of people in their precious little cliques.

/end rant

You might want to slow your roll with the rhetoric. My compassion is in tact.

One of the reasons abuse is so very bad is because long after the physical signs are gone the emotional ones stay.
There is quite a bit of evidence for some issues here
66.199.228.237/boundary/Childhood_trauma_and_PTSD/cycle_of_sexual_abuse_risk_of_being_victim_or_perpitrator.pdf

Boys who were victims have a higher rate of becoming abusers.
Girls tend to have sexual issues and emotional teams for in some cases a lifetime. I’ve known men married to women who were abused who had sexual marital issues where the wife projected the abuser a actions onto the husband. Or who have serious and marriage ending sexual problems.
Also, the concept of victimhood can be a lasting effect.
For many victims leading to other traumas. And can permanently retard relationship ability.
This is why on judgement day the side to be on is not an abuser.
I’m sure the Church also would dicern carefully if an abuse victim of the Church sought the priesthood. Though it may happen.
But the question is what are your deal breakers and having one of those be neither an abuser or victim is a perfectly fine criteria to have. In fact it may be quite wise and prudent, ( something of a virtue in our faith) to protect future children and do you best to have a healthy marriage.
Here is a good study.
journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/088626089004004001
I know abuse victims welll.

 

[Norseman82]

You might want to slow your roll with the rhetoric. My compassion is in tact.

One of the reasons abuse is so very bad is because long after the physical signs are gone the emotional ones stay.
There is quite a bit of evidence for some issues here
66.199.228.237/boundary/Childhood_trauma_and_PTSD/cycle_of_sexual_abuse_risk_of_being_victim_or_perpitrator.pdf

Boys who were victims have a higher rate of becoming abusers.
Girls tend to have sexual issues and emotional teams for in some cases a lifetime. I’ve known men married to women who were abused who had sexual marital issues where the wife projected the abuser a actions onto the husband. Or who have serious and marriage ending sexual problems.
Also, the concept of victimhood can be a lasting effect.
For many victims leading to other traumas. And can permanently retard relationship ability.
This is why on judgement day the side to be on is not an abuser.
I’m sure the Church also would dicern carefully if an abuse victim of the Church sought the priesthood. Though it may happen.
But the question is what are your deal breakers and having one of those be neither an abuser or victim is a perfectly fine criteria to have. In fact it may be quite wise and prudent, ( something of a virtue in our faith) to protect future children and do you best to have a healthy marriage.
Here is a good study.
journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/088626089004004001
I know abuse victims welll.

Except that St. Paul in one of his epistles said that we should bear each others’ burdens. And with the exception of those who pose a danger to others, shunning of abuse victims is a violation of that.

Anyway, getting back on topic, one of the things I look for in a wife is whether she could “carry on” without me if something unfortunate should happen to me. That way she would not feel any pressure to marry and put herself and any children in danger from an abusive husband just to have a roof over their heads and food on the table.

 

[augustinegirl]

As someone who is married to a non-Catholic, I used to think as you currently do. But I would strongly recommend that all 3 of those things are extremely important.

From what I’ve learned, EVERYTHING comes down to kids.

1. If you attend Mass every Sunday or more frequently, I HIGHLY suggest you find someone who does the same. It may not be a big deal when you are dating or even when you get married. But it will become an issue when you have children.

If mass and Church is not important to your spouse, then you cannot depend on your spouse to transfer that importance to your children.

So I would argue that it’s very important to find someone equally dedicated to the Church as you are, if not more so.

1. Same with politics. For example: it’s hard to teach your children to be pro-life if your spouse is pro-choice. And politics is much more than just government, it also includes how you “play politics” inside your extended families, with friends, etc. Politics is in many ways, your values in action. If politics of your spouse greatly differs from you, then most likely your values will differ too.

NOTE: this doesn’t mean you have to agree on every single little thing. It’s ok to disagree with trivial implementation differences, but differences on a philosophical, moral, ethical, theological levels can be make child rearing difficult.

1. The number of kids is not an issue, in itself. However, it might be a warning flag regarding their view of birth control and sterilization. It could also be a warning of the role of material goods in their lives and their openness to God’s plan for them.

I highly recommend this one blog post from the Newman Center at Texas A&M

aggiecatholicblog.org/2016/10/20-steps-to-a-great-marriage/

God Bless and feel free to respond or message me with any/all questions.

Thank you for this comment, especially #1. I’m rethinking all of this…I had been told that I should try to date Protestants or lapsed Catholics (by my parents and therapist, of all people; trust me, all are very Catholic people), but it is very difficult to even think about because I don’t want to try to change anyone (I mean I want to challenge him, but not change…you know what I mean; “what you see is what you get”). I’m realizing though I’m open to that, I’m not even sure how to go about it because either I am thinking “what does he think about this?” (which I’ve done before) or he is thinking “what if the faith difference causes a lot of conflict?” (that one is harder to swallow because I can’t control how he reacts to it haha).

 

[augustinegirl]

Hi!

The point I meant to convey is that if you want a serious relationship with someone who would support, complement and nourish your Faith, you must start from that point… a lapsed Catholic or a non-Catholic or a non-Believer can very well afford you much of what you aspire; yet, only a person who is as serious and as devote as yourself can prove to be the best candidate.

…as some have commented, they have married into a relationship with non-Catholics and it seems to have worked for them (you yourself have made a reference to this effect), and at least one person has stated that both of the parties were not Catholics when they married, and yet ended up Converting to Catholicism… the variant is always there (the human element); what I am suggesting is that you make note of what it is that you want and not set the threshold at: ‘whatever, cause anything can happen.’

Maran atha!

Angel

Ah I see, thank you for clarifying! That is much more helpful and thought provoking. Any man who would not have the Catholic faith but yet would be that supportive of it - sheesh that would be some serious virtue haha.

 

[jcrichton]

Ah I see, thank you for clarifying! That is much more helpful and thought provoking. Any man who would not have the Catholic faith but yet would be that supportive of it - sheesh that would be some serious virtue haha.

Hi!

…it is held as old fashion… but the beauty of the period of friendship and engagement is to afford the couple the time to get to know each other; too many times people rush in to marriages (or conjugal situations) because of that “romance” thing; sadly, that rush does not demonstrate that “love” is truly felt; for the most part it is just man’s way of getting to the “goodies;” the commitment is not to the other person but to what the individuals are seeking… so many times the best foot is put forward and “promises” are made (though there’s no actual commitment to the union) and after the honeymoon is over soon the divorce or adulterous affairs follow.

In life nothing is guaranteed (aside from death and taxes ), but why is it that people can spend years researching/dreaming up the sweet vacation or job or dream-house but the search for the most important person in their life is left to chance, a horoscope, a survey, or basic (sexy, beefy, seedy, dreamy, ca ching…) attraction?

If you’re not a hundred and fifty, take your time; pray to God for Guidance and follow your heart, but start from the top not the whatevers!

God Bless!

Maran atha!

Angel