Ann Cheryl:
My daughter calls her in-laws Mom and Dad and it does not offend me. I would find it strange and disresptful to her husband to do otherwise. I call my Mother in law mom as does her other dil. She deserves this because she is my husbands mother.
I started this poll to see other opinions and mine is the minority but that does not make them wrong. My future dil calls me by my first name and even thougth she was told to do this five years ago, I do not like it now that she will be my DAUGHTER I don’t like the term in law. My Son il calls me mom. We regard him as our son. For fdil not to call me mom is a rejection. What does your husband call your mom. I think that the older persons wishes should be followed that is RESPECT.
Sounds a lot like something my mother-in-law would have written (that is, had she not demanded that my dh not marry me out of RESPECT for her elderly council). Obviously, there is no moral aspect associated with a name. Some people are called Mr. or Mrs. out of great respect (Mr. President…) for their role if not for themselves. Others are called Mr. and Mrs. as a way to purposefully distance the people involved (which is sometimes healthy–a work superior gets proper deference, and sometimes not-- a person calls her best friend “Mrs. Smith” to show a lack of closeness.) So what it boils down to in every one of these posts is
intentions Do they intend to cause you discomfort or pain? If so, you probably feel it, no matter what they call you (or refuse to call you).
But I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe the name is not the problem to your dil, but the role you wish to play in her life. There is a difference between blending families and being swallowed into one. My MIL uses the same terms you do with very different meanings. She sees nothing wrong with her controlling, manipulative, all-encompassing ways. My husband and I have been to counselling (with our parish priest and diocesan psychologist) for years because of his mother’s demands for RESPECT and FAMILY and DEFERENCE TO AGE. For you to come out of the gate charging and be so mean about your son’s and dil’s decision says that they are looking more at the symbology of the words, what they mean to you, what they mean to them, and deciding that they don’t line up. Something tells me if I am right and you don’t change your ways, “Toxic In-Laws” will be on their bookshelf before long, too. (A book I highly recommend for others in my situation–with my in-laws hitting 7 of the 8 marks, 6 of which to the extreme. That book along with a short moratorium on contact with his parents was enough to give my dh the courage he’d lacked and push him over the edge to deal with his family firmly but lovingly.) I suggest you start thinking about all the
wonderful things about your daughter-in-law and making a point of meditating on how she makes your
son happy and that is all the happiness your motherly heart needs. Any more than that is simply icing on the cake. And no, you needn’t see the happiness to know it is there, as he is an adult and marrying her of his own choosing so he must be happy somewhere and you must assume this. Also, do not put your son in the middle of this, making him choose between his mother and his wife. That is no kind of choice! You either set yourself up for disaster or you force your son to disrespect his wife and the vow he made to her and God. And if I am totally off my mark (which you will say I am no matter what) then you can rest assured that this is the most trivial of matters that will not cause long-term problems in an otherwise happy and stable relationship between all parties involved.
So, my advice: you asked. They declined. You can now say, “I’m so sorry to hear of your choice to not call us Mom and Dad as we are so excited to have you joining our family and really looked forward to hearing those words again. We hope some day in the future you’ll feel comfortable with it.”
Oh, and to answer your question: having known my in-laws for many years through-out my teens, I called them Mr. and Mrs. Last Name with great love and respect. They asked me to call them by their first names, but I felt disrespectful to do so and continued with the last names. Then they decided to begin acting in a most un-loving way (to put it mildly.) In polite company, I now avoid the issues of names completely as much as possible. If forced, I call them by their first names. In not so polite company, well, I try to stick to “his mother…” as much as possible.
It was actually Miss Manners’ idea. She said a person gets to decide what he or she will be called, beyond being a small child, and people should respect that.