What do you do when your child tells you he/she's gay?

[CherishNY]

Being against homosexuality, what would/should a parent do if their child turns out to be gay?

Do people go as far as disowning their child?

 

[CherishNY]

Being against homosexuality, what would/should a parent do if their child turns out to be gay?

Do people go as far as disowning their child?

 

[SaltySirena]

Clarification: The Church teaches that homosexual behavior is sinful. Just like any non-marital sexual behavior is sinful. Just having the homosexual orientation is not a sin. Only acting upon it is.

Honestly, if my child came to me and said this, my reaction would be devastation and pain, tears, mourning for the future I thought they would have.

I would tell them that they need to respect me enough to allow me my pain.

I would tell them the Church’s position on homosexual behavior being sinful, and that I can’t support actively living against the Church. I would probably never be comfortable welcoming any partner into my home, but who knows… that could change.

But I would also tell them that they are an adult (if they are) and that it is their right to live as they see fit, and their relationship with God and the Church is their business to work out.

I would tell them I love them and that as my child, flesh of my flesh, whom I carried for nine months, nursed for years, and nurtured the best I could over the two decades I had to raise them, I will always love them and will never abandon them. That I will pray for them and ask God’s grace and love upon them.

And I would beg them not to cut me out of their life or call me hateful because I have my limitations and struggles too.

 

[Zundrah]

Clarification: The Church teaches that homosexual behavior is sinful. Just like any non-marital sexual behavior is sinful. Just having the homosexual orientation is not a sin. Only acting upon it is.

But if one thinks of the sin then he has already commited the sin. Christ said this in the bible.

 

[SaltySirena]

But if one thinks of the sin then he has already commited the sin. Christ said this in the bible.

Thank you for demonstrating the indavisability of taking one verse by itself and using it out of context. Especially by novice Bible scholars (of which I am also one).

Having momentary, fleeting temptations is unavoidable, just part of living. That is not sinful in and of itself, it’s when we purposely dwell on those temptations, enact scenarios in our mind, daydream, basically nurture the sinful idea that it becomes a sin. Intent has to be present for sin.

Having an attraction toward the same sex is not usually a chosen condition. No one knows for sure if it it is inborn or environmental. (I lean toward the latter, but no one can prove anything.) Since it is not something chosen, it is impossible for it, by itself, to be sinful. One has to choose to do wrong, knowing it is wrong, to be sinning. Just being and feeling the way one feels in one’s own being is not sinful.

It’s how we act, whether we indulge those desires, that can be sinful.

 

[bpbasilphx]

And what would that accomplish? Do you imagine the threat of rejection will suddenly turn your child heterosexual? You’re naive if you think so.

Do we get to choose our temptations? Do you think that you are are somehow morally or spiritually superior to someone who is tempted by homosexuality?

What if the Pharisee had prayed, “God, I thank Thee that I am not as other men: extorioners, unjust, or even as that homosexual over there”? Would not Jesus’s parable have ended the same way?

Please read the USCCB’s paper ALWAYS OUR CHILDREN. It should be available on line.

In fact, here it is:

usccb.org/laity/always.shtml

 

[Prodigal_Son]

But if one thinks of the sin then he has already commited the sin. Christ said this in the bible.

No, no, no! Christ said this of lust, not attraction. It is possible to be attracted to a person (of the same or opposite sex) without thinking the slightest bit about sex. It is a *decision *to lust, a decision you can always avoid – although addiction to lust makes it harder to do so.

In response to Cherish…

I am a married man who has dealt with SSA (same-sex attraction) nearly all my life. So I do recommend you question the idea that a person can “turn out to be” gay. A person turns out to have various attractions which are beyond his (or her) control, but what he does with those attractions, and how he defines himself, is his decision.

That said, as Sirena said I believe, homosexual activity is just another sin. It is slightly different from fornication, but I don’t see how it is worse. A child saying that he is gay doesn’t change that child at all – although perhaps it could be a cry for help. Most people with SSA question God about it (why me?), and they feel judged for their attractions, which is debilitating.

Love is the answer. I wouldn’t judge a child’s decisions, nor tell them what they should do unless they ask. I would ask them to explain their experience to me. The parent needs to *accept *the child’s attractions unconditionally, but accepting the attractions does not mean accepting the sin.

The response must be love.

 

[Zundrah]

No, no, no! Christ said this of lust, not attraction. It is possible to be attracted to a person (of the same or opposite sex) without thinking the slightest bit about sex. It is a *decision *to lust, a decision you can always avoid – although addiction to lust makes it harder to do so.

It would be so nice if sin wasn’t sin, for a start we all wouldn’t be down here on Earth, would we? Instead we would be with the Lord.

 

[Michael1985]

It’s so important for anyone in this situation to act with great love, that may mean putting aside some very strong feelings.

This is a true story
I new of someone that was a Catholic (lets call her Sarah) , she started sleeping with her boyfriend. Another Catholic(lets call her Hayley), got so angry with what Sarah had done that it caused this person to move away from the Church. Sarah needed love and support to get out of this situation when when she didn’t get it it drive her away from the Church.

A really good start is to listen to what they have to say without interuppting or getting upset but raelly listening. Listening to someone always shows that they are valued.

 

[Zundrah]

It’s so important for anyone in this situation to act with great love, that may mean putting aside some very strong feelings.

This is a true story
I new of someone that was a Catholic (lets call her Sarah) , she started sleeping with her boyfriend. Another Catholic(lets call her Hayley), got so angry with what Sarah had done that it caused this person to move away from the Church. Sarah needed love and support to get out of this situation when when she didn’t get it it drive her away from the Church.

A really good start is to listen to what they have to say without interuppting or getting upset but raelly listening. Listening to someone always shows that they are valued.

This is true, I never considered this for a moment, (thank God that I am being saved) I should listen to peoples despair more often and give them more tender help just as our Darling Advocate would.

 

[Cajun_Girl]

Clarification: The Church teaches that homosexual behavior is sinful. Just like any non-marital sexual behavior is sinful. Just having the homosexual orientation is not a sin. Only acting upon it is.

Honestly, if my child came to me and said this, my reaction would be devastation and pain, tears, mourning for the future I thought they would have.

I would tell them that they need to respect me enough to allow me my pain.

I would tell them the Church’s position on homosexual behavior being sinful, and that I can’t support actively living against the Church. I would probably never be comfortable welcoming any partner into my home, but who knows… that could change.

But I would also tell them that they are an adult (if they are) and that it is their right to live as they see fit, and their relationship with God and the Church is their business to work out.

I would tell them I love them and that as my child, flesh of my flesh, whom I carried for nine months, nursed for years, and nurtured the best I could over the two decades I had to raise them, I will always love them and will never abandon them. That I will pray for them and ask God’s grace and love upon them.

And I would beg them not to cut me out of their life or call me hateful because I have my limitations and struggles too.

This was very beautifully put.

 

[TCostello]

Well put bpbasilphx…my children are not old enough to be presented with those temptations and I’m sure it is a difficult one to encounter and deal with as a parent.

 

[RosaryCrusader]

I would ask myself what have I done wrong?

Did I divorce or treat my spouse with disrespect?
Did I let my son dress up like a girl or play with girls toys?
Did I foster masculinity (for a male) or did I try to repress it?
Did my husband take a role in instilling the masculine in my son?
Did I keep watch over what entered my home through television, internet, etc.
Did I keep watch over my child’s companions?
Did I live my faith outside of Chuch?

Nobody is born homosexual; it’s socially influenced so it helps to know if you had any part in fostering it so you can take preventative measures in raising any other children. Knowing if the parents were doing anything that would foster homosexuality will help identify ways in which you may be able to help steer things back on course.

Steve Woods has a radio program with a doctor who wrote a book on this. I would recommend the book as well as the radio program as an introduction to what the book is about:

familylifecenter.net/shop/Store/Parenting-A-Parents-Guide-to-Preventing-Homosexuality–Live-Radio-Show.cfm?ID=633

 

[kleine_katerine]

You love them regardless. The Catechism teaches that the homosexual should be respected. In fact their life is harder than most as they are called to be celibate. We who are heterosexual can at least share ourselves with another human being, they never can. So don’t disown your child, support him/her in whatever way you can. Perhaps refer them to your parish priest. My cousin recently came out as gay and I asked Fr. Terry about how it affected my relationship. It seemed like something he was used to being asked and he was very helpful.

I hope this helps.

God bless

 

[NoWings]

Did I let my son dress up like a girl or play with girls toys?

Please define the difference between a “boy toy” and a “girl toy”. I thought toys were toys.

Did I foster masculinity (for a male) or did I try to repress it?
Did my husband take a role in instilling the masculine in my son?

Please define “healthy masculinity”.

For the record, I played with girl toys when I was young because I didn’t see much of a difference and I’m not gay. I’m also not an over-the-top alpha male, either, so I don’t see what this has to do with homosexuality. Please define.

 

[WillieWonka]

Clarification: The Church teaches that homosexual behavior is sinful. Just like any non-marital sexual behavior is sinful. Just having the homosexual orientation is not a sin. Only acting upon it is.

Honestly, if my child came to me and said this, my reaction would be devastation and pain, tears, mourning for the future I thought they would have.

I would tell them that they need to respect me enough to allow me my pain.

I would tell them the Church’s position on homosexual behavior being sinful, and that I can’t support actively living against the Church. I would probably never be comfortable welcoming any partner into my home, but who knows… that could change.

But I would also tell them that they are an adult (if they are) and that it is their right to live as they see fit, and their relationship with God and the Church is their business to work out.

I would tell them I love them and that as my child, flesh of my flesh, whom I carried for nine months, nursed for years, and nurtured the best I could over the two decades I had to raise them, I will always love them and will never abandon them. That I will pray for them and ask God’s grace and love upon them.

And I would beg them not to cut me out of their life or call me hateful because I have my limitations and struggles too.

If your son married a Catholic woman and she and your son acknowledged using artificial birth control, would you welcome them into your home? One? Both?

If that son divorced and remarried, would you welcome the couple into your home? One? Both?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If your son married a Catholic woman and she and your son acknowledged using artificial birth control, would you welcome them into your home? One? Both?

If that son divorced and remarried, would you welcome the couple into your home? One? Both?

Why not? You seem to have the idea that other people don’t have moral senses, and we need to instill them by force.

 

[Seatuck]

Being against homosexuality, what would/should a parent do if their child turns out to be gay?

Do people go as far as disowning their child?

You tell your child that you love them and want the best for them but you cannot encourage that lifestyle. Ask them if they are willing to get help in not living that lifestyle but living a live built around chastity. Would they consider going to a counselor. Call Courage and join the Encourage email list through the website. See if there are local groups around you.

couragerc.net/

You also have to become an expert on the subject because once they tap into that lifestyle they pick up all the catch phrases and lose sight of the truth. There is a reading list on the Courage website.
There are a few other places that offer help. Some are Christian but non Catholic. If you read some of their stuff then just sift out the non catholic stuff.

 

[WillieWonka]

Why not? You seem to have the idea that other people don’t have moral senses, and we need to instill them by force.

I have no idea why not, and I said nothing about instilling moral sense by force.

 

[SaltySirena]

If your son married a Catholic woman and she and your son acknowledged using artificial birth control, would you welcome them into your home? One? Both?

If that son divorced and remarried, would you welcome the couple into your home? One? Both?

I would never pry into my adult, married child’s personal sexual life deeply enough to know that they are using contraceptives or not. Talk about NOT my place! However, as I have deep issues and struggles myself on that whole issue, I would have no business shunning anyone else over it. Besides, I don’t see that as being on the same level.

As for the divorce question, that would depend on circumstances. Was it mutual, or was there a victim and a perp? I would be disappointed if any of my children got divorced, but the circumstances surrounding it would define how I behaved.