What do you do when your child tells you he/she's gay?

[mkingdomlvr]

In reality ones childs sexual behavior rarely comes up. The differences come in how you deal with their "partner’. For instance you would not let your visiting homosexual child share a room in your house with their partner (anymore, IMO, than you would let your heterosecual child share a room with their partner if they are not married) and out of respect for your feelings ask them for no outward signs of their behavior in your presence.

That worked for my family. On the scale of sinful behavior, I think my parents were relived I was gay and not a drug addict or an alcoholic like my cousins. Those types of sins are really more intrusive to family relations than homosexuality. It’s really pretty easy as a gay person to keep that aspect of your life away from your parents and be sensitive to their feelings.

 

[estesbob]

That worked for my family. On the scale of sinful behavior, I think my parents were relived I was gay and not a drug addict or an alcoholic like my cousins. Those types of sins are really more intrusive to family relations than homosexuality. It’s really pretty easy as a gay person to keep that aspect of your life away from your parents and be sensitive to their feelings.

I think that if you have a good relationship with your child it will be maintained regardless of how much you might disaprove of something they do or are doing.

 

[TCostello]

I’ll say good, now how was your day?

I don’t care if they are gay or not, as long as they are happy. I think my future wife would hold the same values.

I completely understand your desire to love and accept a child that is gay, but we must also realize that we are not put in this life to only “be happy”…we are here simply and completely to love God and obey God’s rules. I think it is safe to say that we all know that homosexual actions go against God’s rules. It’s one thing to have the temptations of homosexual desires, but it is NOT o.k. to act upon them and it is certainly not o.k. to condone those actions either. That also doesn’t mean that you cannot love your child because God loves us all even when we break the rules; albeit, we pay the consequences of our actions. We all have crosses, some more difficult and painful than others, but none are exempt from taking up our cross and walking with Jesus. If we made decisions in life solely on whether we will “be happy” or not, then we are not following God’s will, but merely our own.

 

[mkingdomlvr]

mkingdomlvr,

Thank you for posting! The way your parents dealt with it is basically how I see myself dealing with it. When I said I don’t know if I could be comfortable with having their partner in my home, I realized that if we did it that way, I’d be fine. If my child insisted on the term “partner” basically announcing to every old aunt and granny “we have sex” then I would be uncomfortable. But if the respect went both ways, with us using the term “friend” and being kindly welcoming as we would with any other friend, and them respecting our difficulty by behaving like you and your partner did, I think we could all get along peacefully.

It’s worked with my aunt for 20 years now. She has a “friend” she met when they were both in the Navy. They’ve lived together, retired together, even won the lottery together, all these years. I think respect for my grandma has kept them from being open or obvious around family gatherings. But we all know what the reality is. It doesn’t need to be spoken. And for that mutual respect, the family is peaceful and happy, and “Aunt Laura” is welcome and has become part of the family. They don’t demand to flaunt, and my grandma doesn’t demand to chastise.

To WillieWonka, I have major problems with Church teaching on birth control. You could basically say I have a proportionalist view of marriage. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t agree with the Church on almost everything else. Most important, though, I believe the Catholic Church is the true Church, instituted by Christ upon the rock of Simon Peter. I believe in the unbroken line of Papal Authority from Peter to now. I believe in the miracle of Transubstantiation and the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. I believe the Catholic Church has the fullness of the truth about Jesus. I believe everything in the Nicene Creed. In short, I am a Catholic, though a flawed one. The fact that I am flawed does not take away my right to have standards.

You’re welcome!

Truthfully, as estesbob said, sex really doesn’t come up in most conversations whether you’re straight or gay. I didn’t find it difficult to introduce my partner as my “friend” at family gatherings and if anyone wanted to read more into it that was their business.

Having said that, there are gay people who find that kind of translation insulting. They feel that they should be able to use the same terms that straight couples use and that anything else is discrimination. While I understand their position, I didn’t feel the need to do that with my family.

 

[estesbob]

To WillieWonka, I have major problems with Church teaching on birth control. You could basically say I have a proportionalist view of marriage. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t agree with the Church on almost everything else. Most important, though, I believe the Catholic Church is the true Church, instituted by Christ upon the rock of Simon Peter. I believe in the unbroken line of Papal Authority from Peter to now. I believe in the miracle of Transubstantiation and the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. I believe the Catholic Church has the fullness of the truth about Jesus. I believe everything in the Nicene Creed. In short, I am a Catholic, though a flawed one. The fact that I am flawed does not take away my right to have standards.

I likewise have a problem with the Church;'s Prohibition on Barrier forms of Birth Control. But I accept it and abide by it. I just figure that it is a defect on my part that i dont understand the teaching.

The way i look at it is if the Church is wrong about contraception how do i know they are not wrong about the Ressurection?

 

[qui_est_ce]

They feel that they should be able to use the same terms that straight couples use and that anything else is discrimination. While I understand their position, I didn’t feel the need to do that with my family.

mkingdomlvr-
I have read your posts on other threads. Thank you for your refreshing and frank posts. I will make an analogy about my 21 year old son.

He has been having sex with girls since he was 16. I was devastated when I found out. I love him dearly and would never abandon him. He has had his current girlfriend overnight in his bedroom, even though I have asked him not to. She is still welcome in my house and he introduces her as my “friend.” Not “girl” friend. Hetero sexuality is his lifestyle. I don’t expect him to flaunt or discuss his sex life, and would consider it rude if he did. I didn’t need to know about my parents’ sex life, and I don’t need to know about my son’s. I’m sure he doesn’t think I’m rejecting him because I find sex outside of marriage evil.

 

[WillieWonka]

In reality ones childs sexual behavior rarely comes up. The differences come in how you deal with their "partner’. For instance you would not let your visiting homosexual child share a room in your house with their partner (anymore, IMO, than you would let your heterosecual child share a room with their partner if they are not married) and out of respect for your feelings ask them for no outward signs of their behavior in your presence.

That seems reasonable. The couple would have the good sense to get a motel room if they care, nobody talks about sex, and everyone gets along.

 

[apromisemade]

Which I suspect is based on your opinion that those who live this lifestyle are not sinning and their parents are narrow minded bigots bringing great pain to their children by not accepting their lifestyle whatever it may be,

You assume far too much.

I said personal experience.

My mother would tell me she loved me as a child, in between episodes of screaming at me like a woman possesed and telling me I was lazy, selfish, and incredibly rude.

My father would tell me he loved me, in a very flippant and unfeeling way, before proceeding to take every opportunity to tell me I was going to be a failure and I was not what he wanted in a daughter for the sole reason that I was not a straight A student.

I stepdad has told me he loves me, but he has also physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused me from the time I was a small child right on through my teenage years.

Based off said experience, I came to realize how easy it is for love to be reduced to a mere word.

Unless and until you know how it feels to be told “I love you” in one sentance, and then to be told “I feel bad when I look at you, I feel like I did something wrong” in the next. Don’t talk.

 

[SaltySirena]

Can I please make a request? Can people whose family/growing up experiences have no bearing on normal, standard people, stop posting their experience as if it applies?

I mean, seriously. I get so sick of this on these threads. A person who has had a horrific childhood, abused, screamed at, raped, etc. by family members will say something, and then people disagree with it, and then the person comes back and says, “Well, you have no idea what you’re talking about, because I was abused, etc. etc.” It’s like it’s being used as a trump card or something.

You have a unique perspective. Use it for what it’s worth and where it will do the most good. Like helping others who have suffered like you. Like Liberanosamalo does with her terrible marital experience.

But if you’re going to post something way off the wall or out of the mainstream, maybe you should qualify it with, “Well, my perspective may be off, but…” Or be honest up front, but stop keeping the information back and then throwing it in people’s faces the second you are challenged.

It’s a dynamic I have seen so many times, just in this one forum… but in others too, here on CAF and other places.

 

[estesbob]

Can I please make a request? Can people whose family/growing up experiences have no bearing on normal, standard people, stop posting their experience as if it applies?

I mean, seriously. I get so sick of this on these threads. A person who has had a horrific childhood, abused, screamed at, raped, etc. by family members will say something, and then people disagree with it, and then the person comes back and says, “Well, you have no idea what you’re talking about, because I was abused, etc. etc.” It’s like it’s being used as a trump card or something.

You have a unique perspective. Use it for what it’s worth and where it will do the most good. Like helping others who have suffered like you. Like Liberanosamalo does with her terrible marital experience.

But if you’re going to post something way off the wall or out of the mainstream, maybe you should qualify it with, “Well, my perspective may be off, but…” Or be honest up front, but stop keeping the information back and then throwing it in people’s faces the second you are challenged.

It’s a dynamic I have seen so many times, just in this one forum… but in others too, here on CAF and other places.

 

[apromisemade]

Can I please make a request? Can people whose family/growing up experiences have no bearing on normal, standard people, stop posting their experience as if it applies?

I mean, seriously. I get so sick of this on these threads. A person who has had a horrific childhood, abused, screamed at, raped, etc. by family members will say something, and then people disagree with it, and then the person comes back and says, “Well, you have no idea what you’re talking about, because I was abused, etc. etc.” It’s like it’s being used as a trump card or something.

You have a unique perspective. Use it for what it’s worth and where it will do the most good. Like helping others who have suffered like you. Like Liberanosamalo does with her terrible marital experience.

But if you’re going to post something way off the wall or out of the mainstream, maybe you should qualify it with, “Well, my perspective may be off, but…” Or be honest up front, but stop keeping the information back and then throwing it in people’s faces the second you are challenged.

It’s a dynamic I have seen so many times, just in this one forum… but in others too, here on CAF and other places.

I am using nothing as a trump card. I didn’t even want to go into it. I can understand your feelings on the matter, but estebob presumed to make a judgement about and to know why I felt the way I did and why I said what I did in my previous post, leaving me feeling offended and compelled to explain my statement. I’m sorry if it bothered you, but it bothers me when people assume to know exactly why people are the way they are and think the way they do.

 

[estesbob]

I am using nothing as a trump card. I didn’t even want to go into it. I can understand your feelings on the matter, but estebob presumed to make a judgement about and to know why I felt the way I did and why I said what I did in my previous post, leaving me feeling offended and compelled to explain my statement. I’m sorry if it bothered you, but it bothers me when people assume to know exactly why people are the way they are and think the way they do.

We were talking about Parents of Homosexual Children and you jumped in and told us that our comments were incorrect based on your experience. What did you expect us to think? Now it turns out your experince has nothing whatsoever to do with the topic at hand and you are mad at us for hurting your feelings!

 

[apromisemade]

We were talking about Parents of Homosexual Children and you jumped in and told us that our comments were incorrect based on your experience. What did you expect us to think? Now it turns out your experince has nothing whatsoever to do with the topic at hand and you are mad at us for hurting your feelings!

We? Us? Last I checked you were the one who responded to my comment and you were extremely presumptuous when I made the comment about the word love being devoid of meaning when it is not accompanied by loving action, which is why I don’t believe being unaccepting of your child for being gay could be classified as an act of love, even though said parent may continue to say they love their child.

Like I said, you assume way too much. You obviously like to talk, but it would serve you well to hold your tongue before you start assuming you know anything about someone based on an opinion they posted on the internet.

 

[BobObob]

We were talking about Parents of Homosexual Children and you jumped in and told us that our comments were incorrect based on your experience. What did you expect us to think? Now it turns out your experince has nothing whatsoever to do with the topic at hand and you are mad at us for hurting your feelings!

Being sexually abused often does (although not always) have to do with homosexuality.

I have seen numbers as high as 40% of homosexuals had been sexually abused as children.

 

[estesbob]

Like I said, you assume way too much. You obviously like to talk, but it would serve you well to hold your tongue before you start assuming you know anything about someone based on an opinion they posted on the internet.

I assumed that you were adressing the topic of the thread-which is what most people assume when they read posts in a thread.

Salty Serina was dead on in their comments.

 

[SaltySirena]

but it bothers me when people assume to know exactly why people are the way they are and think the way they do.

Then tell us why you think the way you do when you comment. You leave us to assume if you do not do that!

 

[apromisemade]

Then tell us why you think the way you do when you comment. You leave us to assume if you do not do that!

Very well. I’ll be sure to go into greater detail from now on .