What do you say to someone despairing over not finding a date?

  • Thread starter Thread starter DarkLight
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DarkLight

Guest
I have a friend who seems to have fallen into a deep depression over not being able to find a date. He was going out with a woman he was convinced was perfect, and she broke up with him (it sounds like largely because he was moving too quickly). Now he’s depressed because he feels like he can’t meet women - his job is in a small town and he’s having trouble getting out of it - and that the few he does meet don’t work out. He says all he wants in life anymore is to get married and have children.

I’m not sure what to tell him. He’s a very good friend and I want to help, but I just have never experienced this kind of thing.
 
DarkLight said:
I have a friend who seems to have fallen into a deep depression over not being able to find a date. He was going out with a woman he was convinced was perfect, and she broke up with him (it sounds like largely because he was moving too quickly). Now he’s depressed because he feels like he can’t meet women - his job is in a small town and he’s having trouble getting out of it - and that the few he does meet don’t work out. He says all he wants in life anymore is to get married and have children.

I’m not sure what to tell him. He’s a very good friend and I want to help, but I just have never experienced this kind of thing.
Click to expand...
I know this is going to sound cliché but this is a problem that I have had many times and you just be a friend talk it out. I would love to get married and have children but that might take some time for me I really do know the feeling.
 
adamhovey1988 said:
I know this is going to sound cliché but this is a problem that I have had many times and you just be a friend talk it out. I would love to get married and have children but that might take some time for me I really do know the feeling.
Click to expand...
The thing is when we try to just “talk it out” it ends in him becoming more angry and frustrated, because I can’t say anything except that it might take time and be patient. He feels like the single life almost isn’t worth living for him, especially in a small town that doesn’t seem to have other single Christians of the appropriate age.
 
DarkLight said:
The thing is when we try to just “talk it out” it ends in him becoming more angry and frustrated, because I can’t say anything except that it might take time and be patient. He feels like the single life almost isn’t worth living for him, especially in a small town that doesn’t seem to have other single Christians of the appropriate age.
Click to expand...
“Steve, what’s your plan to get out of Small Town?”

And then just let him talk.
 
Xantippe said:
“Steve, what’s your plan to get out of Small Town?”

And then just let him talk.
Click to expand...
He’s in grad school right now and applying to other places in an attempt to transfer, but he hasn’t been having much luck from what I’ve been told. He doesn’t feel like he has any skills to particularly apply for a job outside of philosophy, at least not one that would make an out of town hire.
 
To share qualified experience and suggestions- how old is your friend?
All desires are not always the best when acted upon. I know. Nothing wrong with speed dating. I made a list of five non-negotiables when dating after my divorce. If the women didn’t have them after the first date, no more dates. Done with tact and sense, it worked for me an all I work with.
When a hunter wants a ten-point they always appear when he is walking without a gun. Stopping the hunt and using new tactics doesn’t close us off to giving ourselves to another.
 
decatholic said:
To share qualified experience and suggestions- how old is your friend?
All desires are not always the best when acted upon. I know. Nothing wrong with speed dating. I made a list of five non-negotiables when dating after my divorce. If the women didn’t have them after the first date, no more dates. Done with tact and sense, it worked for me an all I work with.
When a hunter wants a ten-point they always appear when he is walking without a gun. Stopping the hunt and using new tactics doesn’t close us off to giving ourselves to another.
Click to expand...
29, I believe. One of his major complaints is it seems all the single women he meets are in the 18-21 range. He doesn’t want to date a girl that young. And he does insist on dating a Christian woman, but he feels that’s really limited his pool to where he isn’t meeting many single eligible women.
 
Seriously, there may not be much more you can do, particularly if his talk sessions turn into gripe sessions.

There are few if any problems that are solved by being married. Being married often brings other problems. Your friend has an unrealistic and frankly immature view of marriage.

There are times in our lives when we feel stuck at particular places and junctures. Your friend sadly may be at one, particularly if he feels he has few job options. That said, he can choose to be negative (“I’ll never get out of this dump!”) or positive (“I’ll get my MA degree next year and after that I can get a better job and move to a place where things happen!”). He’s got to decide to be positive, and it sounds like he’s in a funk and can’t do that.
 
DarkLight said:
29, I believe. One of his major complaints is it seems all the single women he meets are in the 18-21 range. He doesn’t want to date a girl that young. And he does insist on dating a Christian woman, but he feels that’s really limited his pool to where he isn’t meeting many single eligible women.
Click to expand...
This is kind of baffling. He lives in a small town and is in grad school. I assume, then, that he’s in a town like, say, Columbia, Mo, which isn’t very big but in which is the University of Missouri.

I could be mistaken, but it seems likely to me there are a fair number of women in grad school too. I met my wife while I was in grad school. She was an undergraduate in the same school, but there were plenty of women in the grad schools at the time. I’m just having a hard time being persuaded that there are no available young women in that environment.

Obviously, I’m missing something.

But I’ll also add that the availability of young women thins out a lot after undergrad because a lot of the women in grad school are looking to launch careers and really aren’t looking for a family for the time being.

I do think the maturity of young women varies a lot. A woman graduates from undergrad at about age 21 or 22 for the most part. That’s really not so young for a man of 29. A lot of young women at age 21 are more mature than a lot of men at 25 or even older. Before giving up on the young women altogether, your friend might want to consider that female fertility drops off sharply at age 30. Women know that, which is one of the reasons women of 21 years are often more mature-minded than men of 25 or even 29.

If your friend wants to start a family, he might be well-advised to start looking at the senior women right where he is.
 
Ridgerunner said:
This is kind of baffling. He lives in a small town and is in grad school. I assume, then, that he’s in a town like, say, Columbia, Mo, which isn’t very big but in which is the University of Missouri.

I could be mistaken, but it seems likely to me there are a fair number of women in grad school too. I met my wife while I was in grad school. She was an undergraduate in the same school, but there were plenty of women in the grad schools at the time. I’m just having a hard time being persuaded that there are no available young women in that environment.

Obviously, I’m missing something.

But I’ll also add that the availability of young women thins out a lot after undergrad because a lot of the women in grad school are looking to launch careers and really aren’t looking for a family for the time being.
Click to expand...
That’s a good point. This town is big enough to have at least one graduate program, but there are no single Christian women over 21? That’s a bit hard to believe.

One explanation that comes to mind is that if he is in philosophy, there are often relatively few women, so it may create the impression of scarcity. However, a different graduate program might be similarly lopsided with single young women.
 
His main complaint is that the female students of his age overwhelmingly don’t appear to be Christian women, at least the ones that he’s met. He’s not going to date a non-Christian woman, but he’s not meeting many single women at Christian activities.

I’ve been there too and it’s actually a ridiculously small town for having a university there.
 
Seems to me he could be overlooking a lot of women. Lots of Christian women are not overly “churchy.” Perhaps especially in an environment where they might stick out (or feel like they would.)
 
I would simply say ‘As much as I would love to help you, if you are just going to get frustrated, I am starting to feel like I shouldn’t say anything’

Also, if meeting a Christian woman means that much to him, perhaps now is the time to start practicing Christianity and praying for God’s will.

Or better yet, tell him about me. I spent a lot of time in my younger days worried I will never marry. I am 46, never married and my only regret is I wasted time worrying. Being single can be very awesome most of the time
 
Ask him to take a personal inventory.
Why it is about me that puts prospective dates off maybe?
Too forward?
No good ideas fro fun casual dates?
Too much serious talk too soon?
Bad hygiene? (don’t laugh, it happens)
Odd conversations?
No income?

Sometimes all it takes is being a good listener, and not “interviewing” a woman on the first date.
:twocents:
 
DarkLight said:
I’m not sure what to tell him. He’s a very good friend and I want to help, but I just have never experienced this kind of thing.
Click to expand...
The reality is that dating in this generation is often nothing less than a disaster. The commonality of shacking up and premarital sex or even attitudes of Christians who would insist on contraception has made good Catholics outcasts in this age. A larger population may or may not help. All he can do is keep at it. You could be a “wingman” in public settings - that could help validate him. Some people have also had success online dating.
 
I would say to try to get in some clubs or organizations, especially ones where the women are.
 
I think the problem here is much deeper.

i know people like this, it borders on desperation on having a relationship.

although relationships are good, it is not mature or healthy to hang all your happiness on having a boyfriend/girlfriend, this causes obsessiveness and clinginess and believe me, people can sense that from a mile away

and having dates won’t help, as soon as he done’st get one, he’ll be right back in the place where he started

he needs to get comfortable with himself now, and embrace whatever state he is in before moving on.
 
I agree. He should try a Catholic or Protestant dating website.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top