What do you say to someone despairing over not finding a date?

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jaimeleglise said:
I agree. He should try a Catholic or Protestant dating website.
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I believe he did and got no matches - certainly he said there was no one within driving distance and not really much interest in long-distance dating from women.
 
He’s saying things like “it seems like God wants me to be miserable” and saying it’s almost too painful to pray or go to church now, because it feels like God hates him and doesn’t want him to ever be happy. It also seems to be affecting his ability to work, from what he’s told me.
 
DarkLight said:
He’s saying things like “it seems like God wants me to be miserable” and saying it’s almost too painful to pray or go to church now, because it feels like God hates him and doesn’t want him to ever be happy. It also seems to be affecting his ability to work, from what he’s told me.
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Student counseling? Doctor appointment?

This sounds like more than you can help him with.

I also think it’s pretty thoughtless of him to be leaning on you like this, of all people.
 
angell1 said:
I think the problem here is much deeper.**

I sense this too Angell1, like Paul Harvey- the rest of the story which we all have **

he needs to get comfortable with himself now, and embrace whatever state he is in before moving on.
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My wife stopped wanting to date and she met me. I was recently divorced. My wife was not a christian let alone Catholic when we dated. Natural laws do apply. Not all who claim to be Christian are ( me included sometime based upon how I act in public). What I mean is maybe your friend as others have stated, needs to work on himself. HOW? by getting out of himself- serve in an organization, contribute back to life, the community.
When he gets out of himself, he will be empty and therefore be a better channel to be of service to God and empty too to be filled up by the possible Love given by another.

(Stepping off soapbox now…)
 
Xantippe said:
Student counseling? Doctor appointment?

This sounds like more than you can help him with.

I also think it’s pretty thoughtless of him to be leaning on you like this, of all people.
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It’s hard because he sort of takes a “what good would counseling or doctors do, they can’t find me a girlfriend” attitude.

I honestly do suspect he may be depressed.
 
decatholic said:
My wife stopped wanting to date and she met me.
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I have heard such advice before and would like to add: This might “work.” And it might not. There are no magic formulas of this is what you have to do to get a date. Some people who want to get a date get a date. Some people who don’t want to get a date get a date. And vice versa not get a date.
 
DarkLight said:
It’s hard because he sort of takes a “what good would counseling or doctors do, they can’t find me a girlfriend” attitude.

I honestly do suspect he may be depressed.
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Yeah–that sounds depressed to me.
 
There’s very little if anything you can say that would make a difference. Just be there for them.

ICXC NIKA
 
This isn’t going to help him find a date, but if he is trapped by a Philosophy degree in Anytown, USA, what was his plan when he majored in it - to stay forever?

I am not sure what some folks expect will happen when they make a certain decision.

Nonetheless, I seriously doubt his degree is keeping him anywhere.
DarkLight said:
I believe he did and got no matches - certainly he said there was no one within driving distance and not really much interest in long-distance dating from women.
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Yes, because if a woman doesn’t have a profile the same month as your free trial, she isn’t ever going to. That’s the law, sorry.

Sometimes, it seems people around us have a defeatist attitude about things. I don’t know if your friend is like this, but I have heard it from people I’ve been friends with, and after awhile, I give up and just pray for them.
  • I can’t go anywhere because I’m in grad school
    – you knew that when you started grad school
  • My Philosophy degree has me trapped here
    – If that’s true, which I doubt completely, it’s perhaps the oldest field of study in the
    Universe. When did this tidbit sneak up on you?
  • Online dating didn’t have any matches
    – Give it time, bro. Unless it is a money issue, leave your profile active for months and
    months while in the mean time you live your life.
  • There is nothing for Christian singles in my area to do.
    – Start a group for activities with Christian Singles. I know for introverts, this is a tall
    order (and even for some extroverts) but you would be completely surprised how
    many people sitting around with the same concerns or desires as you that simply
    need to be lured out of the holes like the Pied Piper of Hamlin.
 
Your friend may be depressed, but beyond that, he sounds desperate, and what he says smacks of “crying in his beer.” Speaking as a one-time philosophy student who once had someone say to me, “quit crying in your beer,” I’d actually wonder if it might help your friend to hear those words - they helped me! Sometimes the whole “just be there for him” IMHO comes off as “go ahead and gripe,” when griping is the last thing your friend should be doing.
 
PolarGuy said:
Your friend may be depressed, but beyond that, he sounds desperate, and what he says smacks of “crying in his beer.” Speaking as a one-time philosophy student who once had someone say to me, “quit crying in your beer,” I’d actually wonder if it might help your friend to hear those words - they helped me! Sometimes the whole “just be there for him” IMHO comes off as “go ahead and gripe,” when griping is the last thing your friend should be doing.
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Yeah. Your sympathy ought to come with occasional doses of “What are you going to do about it?”
 
PolarGuy said:
Your friend may be depressed, but beyond that, he sounds desperate, and what he says smacks of “crying in his beer.” Speaking as a one-time philosophy student who once had someone say to me, “quit crying in your beer,” I’d actually wonder if it might help your friend to hear those words - they helped me! Sometimes the whole “just be there for him” IMHO comes off as “go ahead and gripe,” when griping is the last thing your friend should be doing.
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Exactly. Venting when life is rough is sometimes a good thing, but if it becomes the focus of most conversations and actions, it can even become something of an excuse: if you’re miserable, it’s a lot easier to sit around and be miserable (see: Eeyore) than it is to say, “okay, I don’t like this, so what am I going to do about it?” and go, well, do it: get out, start working on doctoral program applications to schools in areas with a higher percentage of young people, take a cooking class, begin a half-marathon training program, what-have-you.

I suspect that our highly electronic age also contributes to this phenomenon. Now you can spend all evening on Facebook “hanging out” with people without ever actually making human contact, and getting progressively more depressed because “everyone” else has a significant other/better job/more interesting hobby, or spend all night gaming with total strangers and having the most superficial interactions possible with strangers you’ll never meet.

(And I say that as someone who thoroughly enjoys spending an evening running video game raids and such from time to time, but who also limits raid nights to once or twice a week in order to avoid falling into that trap.)
 
UbiCaritas said:
Exactly. Venting when life is rough is sometimes a good thing, but if it becomes the focus of most conversations and actions, it can even become something of an excuse: if you’re miserable, it’s a lot easier to sit around and be miserable (see: Eeyore) than it is to say, “okay, I don’t like this, so what am I going to do about it?” and go, well, do it: get out, start working on doctoral program applications to schools in areas with a higher percentage of young people, take a cooking class, begin a half-marathon training program, what-have-you.

I suspect that our highly electronic age also contributes to this phenomenon. Now you can spend all evening on Facebook “hanging out” with people without ever actually making human contact, and getting progressively more depressed because “everyone” else has a significant other/better job/more interesting hobby, or spend all night gaming with total strangers and having the most superficial interactions possible with strangers you’ll never meet.

(And I say that as someone who thoroughly enjoys spending an evening running video game raids and such from time to time, but who also limits raid nights to once or twice a week in order to avoid falling into that trap.)
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Yes.
When we focus outside of ourselves…literally OUTSIDE…we tend to meet up with other like-minded people.
You can’t purchase friends. Why would anyone expect to look under their bed for a spouse. :confused:
 
I know he tried online dating for about six months with not much luck - no matches at all in the area on several sites in that time frame. He’s working on applying to programs in bigger cities but transferring in philosophy can be very hard, and he’s not sure how else to move since he doesn’t have education outside philosophy. This kind of came over him a few years into his PhD - he used to really want to be a philosophy professor and now he just wants to have any job that’ll let him get married and have a family.
 
MarcoPolo said:
The reality is that dating in this generation is often nothing less than a disaster. The commonality of shacking up and premarital sex or even attitudes of Christians who would insist on contraception has made good Catholics outcasts in this age. A larger population may or may not help. All he can do is keep at it. You could be a “wingman” in public settings - that could help validate him.
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I have not read all of the replies on this thread yet, but I think this one is the best so far in terms of giving a suggestion about what you could do if you are interested in helping him out a little (which I imagine you are otherwise you would not have started this thread):). As a single guy myself I’ll bet that he doesn’t exactly want you to *say *anything. On the other hand if you were his “wingman” it might actually lessen the chances of rejection if he does approach a young lady. No matter what environment he is trying to meet women in, he will always seem at least a little creepy if he is by himself. If you’re there it will send the message that he is “safe” and the other women won’t feel as threatened if he decides to introduce himself. Moreover, it might help to get him exposed to some of your friends and then their friends and so on. Networking is helpful in more than just professional environments;).
 
ShadowBoxer said:
I have not read all of the replies on this thread yet, but I think this one is the best so far in terms of giving a suggestion about what you could do if you are interested in helping him out a little (which I imagine you are otherwise you would not have started this thread):). As a single guy myself I’ll bet that he doesn’t exactly want you to *say *anything. On the other hand if you were his “wingman” it might actually lessen the chances of rejection if he does approach a young lady. No matter what environment he is trying to meet women in, he will always seem at least a little creepy if he is by himself. If you’re there it will send the message that he is “safe” and the other women won’t feel as threatened if he decides to introduce himself. Moreover, it might help to get him exposed to some of your friends and then their friends and so on. Networking is helpful in more than just professional environments;).
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DL, are you guys actually in the same area?
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah. Your sympathy ought to come with occasional doses of “What are you going to do about it?”
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The fellow **might **also need a wee dose of "tough cookies, God never promised everybody romantic happiness; if this is that important to you, the ball is in your court."

ICXC NIKA
 
GEddie said:
The fellow **might **also need a wee dose of "tough cookies, God never promised everybody romantic happiness; if this is that important to you, the ball is in your court."

ICXC NIKA
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The trouble is he responds by saying he feels like he’s doing everything he can - he’s applying to different programs, he’s tried online dating, he’s gone to various christian groups around town, and nothing. And he doesn’t feel like the single life is even really worth living anymore, he feels like he’s absolutely miserable without the hope of family and kids, and like he’s getting too old for the family he wants.
 
DarkLight said:
The trouble is he responds by saying he feels like he’s doing everything he can - he’s applying to different programs, he’s tried online dating, he’s gone to various christian groups around town, and nothing. And he doesn’t feel like the single life is even really worth living anymore, he feels like he’s absolutely miserable without the hope of family and kids, and like he’s getting too old for the family he wants.
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In your place, I’d have said, “Amigo, tough cookies, life doesn’t always give us what we want. Time to replan your trajectory.”

ICXC NIKA
 
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