What do you say to someone despairing over not finding a date?

[UbiCaritas]

Some in this thread have offered the advice that he needs to alter his life plans to accommodate his dating woes. I agree he doesn’t have to despair, but we live in a perverse world. The focus of the problem might not be justly directed at him. Does that make sense?

When I was single, I was very lonely. I not only didn’t date much in college (though that was partly a personal decision–I was far too busy to handle any sort of relationship), but I had very little family, and that neither geographically nor emotionally close.

In retrospect, I probably came across as a bit desperate to one or two guys I briefly dated, and I can see where that would be a massive turnoff.

What helped me was deciding to essentially keep busy until my spouse showed up by learning new skills, making new friends, and generally becoming the person I wanted my spouse to marry. These things, I think, not only made me a better wife in the long run, but made me a more attractive (not to mention accomplished) person in the short term. I’m not talking physically; I mean that if someone asked what I did that weekend, I could say, “I went to the bookstore and lucked out in finding this signed copy of XYZ book I really enjoy, and then I hung out with friends, and Sunday I sang at Mass with some other friends before having them back to my place for Julia Child’s boeuf bourguignon; I’d been meaning to try that recipe out for a while.” That was interesting, or at least it would be to someone with somewhat similar interests. “I sat at home and thought about how lousy my life is” is…less attractive. See what I mean?

None of this kept me from meeting my husband, but it did mean that when he married me, he married a woman with some interesting friends and, if I do say so myself, a pretty decent recipe repertoire. And if I hadn’t met him for one reason or another–it is difficult to find a spouse in today’s world, much less a practicing Catholic one, and it *is *always possible that someone for whom marriage is their vocation might not find a spouse–well, I’d still have my friends and my hobbies, and my life would be that much fuller because of them. Alternately, I could whine to my friends about how lonely I was. The former option sounded a lot more fun to me, though.

Don’t get me wrong: I got down sometimes because of baby fever, and most of my friends being married before I was, and yes, it sometimes made me sad to come home to an empty apartment. All of that’s why God invented Haagen Dazs, Golden Girls marathons, comfy PJ pants, a hot bath, and a promise that tomorrow morning would make things look better, which it usually did.

 

[MarcoPolo]

Even if he is called to wife and family (and that should not be assumed), nothing drives women away faster than neediness and desperation.

I agree he should not be “needy and desperate.” Even though plenty of needy and desperate people get married…

 

[MarcoPolo]

. These things, I think, not only made me a better wife in the long run, but made me a more attractive (not to mention accomplished) person in the short term.

This is great and worthy advice. However, I must caution anyone against interpreting your advice as “this is what you need to do” formula. Plenty of singles are talented and attractive and for reasons including the world’s disgustingness, such singles are considered nonconforming outcasts. You can find insecure married people as much as anyone. I could find singles who did exactly what you did and turned up nothing. My point herein, remains, the problem “might” not be foremost with the individual in question.

 

[DarkLight]

When I was single, I was very lonely. I not only didn’t date much in college (though that was partly a personal decision–I was far too busy to handle any sort of relationship), but I had very little family, and that neither geographically nor emotionally close.

In retrospect, I probably came across as a bit desperate to one or two guys I briefly dated, and I can see where that would be a massive turnoff.

What helped me was deciding to essentially keep busy until my spouse showed up by learning new skills, making new friends, and generally becoming the person I wanted my spouse to marry. These things, I think, not only made me a better wife in the long run, but made me a more attractive (not to mention accomplished) person in the short term. I’m not talking physically; I mean that if someone asked what I did that weekend, I could say, “I went to the bookstore and lucked out in finding this signed copy of XYZ book I really enjoy, and then I hung out with friends, and Sunday I sang at Mass with some other friends before having them back to my place for Julia Child’s boeuf bourguignon; I’d been meaning to try that recipe out for a while.” That was interesting, or at least it would be to someone with somewhat similar interests. “I sat at home and thought about how lousy my life is” is…less attractive. See what I mean?

None of this kept me from meeting my husband, but it did mean that when he married me, he married a woman with some interesting friends and, if I do say so myself, a pretty decent recipe repertoire. And if I hadn’t met him for one reason or another–it is difficult to find a spouse in today’s world, much less a practicing Catholic one, and it *is *always possible that someone for whom marriage is their vocation might not find a spouse–well, I’d still have my friends and my hobbies, and my life would be that much fuller because of them. Alternately, I could whine to my friends about how lonely I was. The former option sounded a lot more fun to me, though.

Don’t get me wrong: I got down sometimes because of baby fever, and most of my friends being married before I was, and yes, it sometimes made me sad to come home to an empty apartment. All of that’s why God invented Haagen Dazs, Golden Girls marathons, comfy PJ pants, a hot bath, and a promise that tomorrow morning would make things look better, which it usually did.

He’s definitely gotten to the point where he says he can’t enjoy or find meaning in other activities - everything he does just feels empty and pointless and makes him feel worse, unless it’s oriented to finding a girl. Which is what’s kind of worrying me; he seems so trapped in finding a woman that he’s unable to enjoy or even properly function outside of that goal.

 

[Sarcelle]

Some in this thread have offered the advice that he needs to alter his life plans to accommodate his dating woes. I agree he doesn’t have to despair, but we live in a perverse world. The focus of the problem might not be justly directed at him. Does that make sense?

Altering his life plans like moving to a bigger city to improve his chances is hardly complacent. It’s being proactive.

Yes, he may end up unsuccessful even after repeated attempts but the odds are still better than doing nothing.

 

[Sarcelle]

This is great and worthy advice. However, I must caution anyone against interpreting your advice as “this is what you need to do” formula. Plenty of singles are talented and attractive and for reasons including the world’s disgustingness, such singles are considered nonconforming outcasts. You can find insecure married people as much as anyone. I could find singles who did exactly what you did and turned up nothing. My point herein, remains, the problem “might” not be foremost with the individual in question.

I see your point.

Yes. In the end in spite of not getting what you want in spite of your best efforts, you still have to make the best of what you have, in spite of what others might think.

 

[UbiCaritas]

This is great and worthy advice. However, I must caution anyone against interpreting your advice as “this is what you need to do” formula. Plenty of singles are talented and attractive and for reasons including the world’s disgustingness, such singles are considered nonconforming outcasts. You can find insecure married people as much as anyone. I could find singles who did exactly what you did and turned up nothing. My point herein, remains, the problem “might” not be foremost with the individual in question.

I think I made it pretty clear that I didn’t do what I did solely to find a spouse: it was to make me a happier, more fulfilled person in general. If it helped me find a husband, then awesome (and hey, spending time with people and getting to know new ones is a pretty good way to widen the possible dating pool), but if not, that was okay.

No matter how accomplished a person is, they can always learn something new that will make them a better spouse. Have the cooking thing down? Awesome; go learn some basic home repair skills. Got that? Sweet. Take an auto repair class at the local community college. Learn CPR. Go ballroom dancing. Whatever.

Point being, do not sit at home and mope. It leads to bad mental habits, and it certainly doesn’t up your chances of finding a spouse.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree he should not be “needy and desperate.” Even though plenty of needy and desperate people get married…

…and they fare so well.

 

[Xantippe]

When I was single, I was very lonely. I not only didn’t date much in college (though that was partly a personal decision–I was far too busy to handle any sort of relationship), but I had very little family, and that neither geographically nor emotionally close.

In retrospect, I probably came across as a bit desperate to one or two guys I briefly dated, and I can see where that would be a massive turnoff.

What helped me was deciding to essentially keep busy until my spouse showed up by learning new skills, making new friends, and generally becoming the person I wanted my spouse to marry. These things, I think, not only made me a better wife in the long run, but made me a more attractive (not to mention accomplished) person in the short term. I’m not talking physically; I mean that if someone asked what I did that weekend, I could say, “I went to the bookstore and lucked out in finding this signed copy of XYZ book I really enjoy, and then I hung out with friends, and Sunday I sang at Mass with some other friends before having them back to my place for Julia Child’s boeuf bourguignon; I’d been meaning to try that recipe out for a while.” That was interesting, or at least it would be to someone with somewhat similar interests. “I sat at home and thought about how lousy my life is” is…less attractive. See what I mean?

None of this kept me from meeting my husband, but it did mean that when he married me, he married a woman with some interesting friends and, if I do say so myself, a pretty decent recipe repertoire. And if I hadn’t met him for one reason or another–it is difficult to find a spouse in today’s world, much less a practicing Catholic one, and it *is *always possible that someone for whom marriage is their vocation might not find a spouse–well, I’d still have my friends and my hobbies, and my life would be that much fuller because of them. Alternately, I could whine to my friends about how lonely I was. The former option sounded a lot more fun to me, though.

Don’t get me wrong: I got down sometimes because of baby fever, and most of my friends being married before I was, and yes, it sometimes made me sad to come home to an empty apartment. All of that’s why God invented Haagen Dazs, Golden Girls marathons, comfy PJ pants, a hot bath, and a promise that tomorrow morning would make things look better, which it usually did.

Yes.

I had a very similar trajectory. I had probably the socially richest and most productive life ever in the two years before I met my husband–which happened to be my Peace Corps years. I came out of that with a lot of close friends, a lot of experience with helping others, a couple years of experience with taking care of my own apartment and practicing various domestic arts, and a lot of confidence in my ability to manage by myself.

Like UbiCaritas, I was lonely sometimes, but I had a lot going for me. And fortunately, I met my future husband before grad school crushed the confidence out of me.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Too bad this guy doesn’t appear to have any male best friends, the kind who can steer him out of his head, who care enough about him to tell him the truth to his face even when it hurts his feelings.

 

[DarkLight]

Too bad this guy doesn’t appear to have any male best friends, the kind who can steer him out of his head, who care enough about him to tell him the truth to his face even when it hurts his feelings.

The trouble here is it’s going beyond getting his feelings hurt - to the point where telling him the truth basically sends him into “life is hopeless and I hope I get hit by a car.”

 

[Xantippe]

The trouble here is it’s going beyond getting his feelings hurt - to the point where telling him the truth basically sends him into “life is hopeless and I hope I get hit by a car.”

Suicide hotline!

 

[DarkLight]

Suicide hotline!

I don’t think he’s quite that bad yet. And I’m worried it would scare him into just withdrawing from everyone.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think he’s quite that bad yet. And I’m worried it would scare him into just withdrawing from everyone.

Not him–you call the hotline and ask for advice.

Also, how bad do you want to wait for him to get? This is plenty bad.

 

[DarkLight]

Not him–you call the hotline and ask for advice.

Also, how bad do you want to wait for him to get? This is plenty bad.

I get it now.

I’m just trying to balance getting him help with not making him just withdraw from everyone. I’m worried that if he gets pushed too hard he’s just going to stop talking to anyone and just keep everything to himself. I feel like that’s already happening somewhat, because I told him there was no way to guarantee getting a date.

 

[pianistclare]

I get it now.

I’m just trying to balance getting him help with not making him just withdraw from everyone. I’m worried that if he gets pushed too hard he’s just going to stop talking to anyone and just keep everything to himself. I feel like that’s already happening somewhat, because I told him there was no way to guarantee getting a date.

You’ll feel worse when he ends it all.
You have a duty to get him help It’s up to him to take it.
You’ve already told countless strangers on the internet.
Make the call.

 

[DarkLight]

You’ll feel worse when he ends it all.
You have a duty to get him help It’s up to him to take it.
You’ve already told countless strangers on the internet.
Make the call.

I don’t think he’s going to end it all. I have tried to get him help, I’m just trying to do things in a way that won’t push him away.

Also, last time I called a suicide hotline (for myself, actually), they pushed my mental state from “depressed but manageable” to “very close to suicidal.” So I’m honestly a bit leery of going to them for advice.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think he’s going to end it all. I have tried to get him help, I’m just trying to do things in a way that won’t push him away.

Also, last time I called a suicide hotline (for myself, actually), they pushed my mental state from “depressed but manageable” to “very close to suicidal.” So I’m honestly a bit leery of going to them for advice.

Then tell someone else.
This guy needs professional help, or he like to call attention to himself.
Maybe he has a crush on you, ever think that?
Maybe it’s you he’s trying to get to notice him.
Just a thought.

 

[Xantippe]

Then tell someone else.
This guy needs professional help, or he like to call attention to himself.
Maybe he has a crush on you, ever think that?
Maybe it’s you he’s trying to get to notice him.
Just a thought.

Yeah.

That crossed my mind too–he might just possibly be trying to guilt you into a relationship.

And that’s another reason for you not to be his free therapist.

 

[DarkLight]

Yeah.

That crossed my mind too–he might just possibly be trying to guilt you into a relationship.

And that’s another reason for you not to be his free therapist.

I don’t think he is. We’ve been close - he helped me out during much of my worst times for depression. We’ve definitely discussed a relationship and pretty much both decided it wouldn’t work, for various reasons (one of which being he doesn’t want to date a Catholic, particularly).