What do you say to someone despairing over not finding a date?

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I’m pretty sure the OP’s friend is a non-Catholic Christian.

Am I right?
 
XenaFan said:
Yikes! I didn’t know it was that bad! We really do have a singles crisis on our hands!
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That’s the word for it- crisis. I hope Church officials begin to recognize it as well. This doesn’t just affect the singles themselves. It adversely affects the entire Church, both now and into the future.
 
So we ended up calling in a welfare check tonight. Don’t think anything came of it. He’s at the point where he’s expressing suicidal ideation, but he doesn’t seem to have an immediate plan. I’ve been trying to get him to go to the doctor and he’s fighting me the whole way. He’s even said he doesn’t want to feel better if it means learning to live with being single.

I really don’t know what to do here.
 
DarkLight said:
So we ended up calling in a welfare check tonight. Don’t think anything came of it. He’s at the point where he’s expressing suicidal ideation, but he doesn’t seem to have an immediate plan. I’ve been trying to get him to go to the doctor and he’s fighting me the whole way. He’s even said he doesn’t want to feel better if it means learning to live with being single.

I really don’t know what to do here.
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I’m glad you called.

This is way above your pay grade.
 
DarkLight said:
So we ended up calling in a welfare check tonight. Don’t think anything came of it. He’s at the point where he’s expressing suicidal ideation, but he doesn’t seem to have an immediate plan. I’ve been trying to get him to go to the doctor and he’s fighting me the whole way. He’s even said he doesn’t want to feel better if it means learning to live with being single.

I really don’t know what to do here.
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What you did is right. There’s nothing else you can do.
 
He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m worried next time he’s just going to act on his thoughts without reaching out to someone.
 
DarkLight said:
He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m worried next time he’s just going to act on his thoughts without reaching out to someone.
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God bless both of you. Don’t kick yourself in the pants; we are intrinsically limited in our ability to help others.

ICXC NIKA
 
DarkLight said:
I have a friend who seems to have fallen into a deep depression over not being able to find a date. He was going out with a woman he was convinced was perfect, and she broke up with him (it sounds like largely because he was moving too quickly). Now he’s depressed because he feels like he can’t meet women - his job is in a small town and he’s having trouble getting out of it - and that the few he does meet don’t work out. He says all he wants in life anymore is to get married and have children.

I’m not sure what to tell him. He’s a very good friend and I want to help, but I just have never experienced this kind of thing.
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Tell him one woman doesn’t make all, nor do two or three. If he’d been after a small number of girls to no avail so far, then perhaps the similarities among them make the sample not very representative. In any case, if he really despairs over a dating failure, he needs professional assistance because a deep problem’s going on. If self-esteem issues are wrecking his life right now, then the sooner he gets that help, the better.

Plus, when he meets the right woman, silly stuff like less-than-ideal timing won’t matter. He’ll get away with a bunch of real blunders too. If a woman really is interested in you, it’s hard to make her let go of the idea even if you positively try to (in my family parts they’d say you couldn’t chase one off with a stick if she really was interested).
He says all he wants in life anymore is to get married and have children.
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He needs to reflect on that further and make sure he isn’t just pushing it. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
DarkLight said:
So we ended up calling in a welfare check tonight. Don’t think anything came of it. He’s at the point where he’s expressing suicidal ideation, but he doesn’t seem to have an immediate plan. I’ve been trying to get him to go to the doctor and he’s fighting me the whole way. He’s even said he doesn’t want to feel better if it means learning to live with being single.

I really don’t know what to do here.
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Okay, don’t repeat any of what I said. Instead, do a google search for how to talk to someone with suicidal thoughts. I’ve been there, done that, with a family member. Sorry to see you go through it with your friend, may God kep him.
 
I really think I screwed something up calling his parents. I think now he’s not talking to anyone at all. Now no one’s able to help him.
 
DarkLight said:
I really think I screwed something up calling his parents. I think now he’s not talking to anyone at all. Now no one’s able to help him.
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You are not responsible for him or for his actions. It is great that you are trying to help him, but please don’t feel that you need to save him. That would help neither of you. I sincerely hope he gets the professional help he needs, since clearly his problems go way beyond not getting a date. You did the best you could have nothing to feel guilty about.
 
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LaughingBoy1503:
I think I’d want to know about my kid expressing suicidal ideation, no matter his/her age. Wouldn’t you?
 
heidi_storage said:
I think I’d want to know about my kid expressing suicidal ideation, no matter his/her age. Wouldn’t you?
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Yes, I definitely would.

OP, you’ve done your best to be a good friend. Please don’t feel bad about anything you have done for him. He clearly needs to address a lot of issues in his life.

It sounds to me as though asking for a Christian wife is a big smokescreen for saying he’s afraid of other problems in his life that he really doesn’t want to confront and he’s in despair that these will be deal-breakers in any relationship, but doesn’t know where to begin putting them right. In other words, he’s had a major loss of confidence in himself, to the extent that he doesn’t really, genuinely want to try to find a wife because he can’t bear to ‘fail’ again.

I bet if you knocked on his door this afternoon with a 28 year old, drop dead gorgeous virgin with a PhD, in a modest but flattering outfit, with a devotion to the Mass and an aspiration to produce lots of lovely, Catholic babies…let’s call this hypothetical perfect lady Catherine…he’d be off like a scalded cat 😃 Once you’d coaxed him out from behind the sofa, he’d probably point out that he prefers Catherine to be spelled ‘Kathryn’ :rolleyes:
 
Rose71 said:
Yes, I definitely would.

OP, you’ve done your best to be a good friend. Please don’t feel bad about anything you have done for him. He clearly needs to address a lot of issues in his life.

It sounds to me as though asking for a Christian wife is a big smokescreen for saying he’s afraid of other problems in his life that he really doesn’t want to confront and he’s in despair that these will be deal-breakers in any relationship, but doesn’t know where to begin putting them right. In other words, he’s had a major loss of confidence in himself, to the extent that he doesn’t really, genuinely want to try to find a wife because he can’t bear to ‘fail’ again.

I bet if you knocked on his door this afternoon with a 28 year old, drop dead gorgeous virgin with a PhD, in a modest but flattering outfit, with a devotion to the Mass and an aspiration to produce lots of lovely, Catholic babies…let’s call this hypothetical perfect lady Catherine…he’d be off like a scalded cat 😃 Once you’d coaxed him out from behind the sofa, he’d probably point out that he prefers Catherine to be spelled ‘Kathryn’ :rolleyes:
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Sad, but true. DL’s friend is Protestant, though, so lets say “lots of lovely Evangelical babies.”

DL, you’ve done the right thing. If this were my adult child, and he were behaving in weird and obsessive and negative ways like this, I’d want to know.

This is not the sort of information that ought to be held onto, especially if his parents are basically good, functional people.
 
heidi_storage said:
You are not responsible for him or for his actions. It is great that you are trying to help him, but please don’t feel that you need to save him. That would help neither of you. I sincerely hope he gets the professional help he needs, since clearly his problems go way beyond not getting a date. You did the best you could have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Yes.

OP, you did what you could, and you did the right thing by telling his parents. It is natural to feel guilty, but you haven’t done anything wrong. Hopefully he will realise that one day.

Lou
 
DarkLight,
I agree with what others have said–you did what you could, and you can’t force him to see reason or get help. Sometimes, in order to truly care about someone (love them), you have to do what is best for them, even if it’s not what they think they want or what seems “nice.”
I know you’re worried that you have pushed him into withdrawing, but please realize that if you’d kept his suicidal comments to yourself, it’s likely he’d have found some other excuse to close you off if he’s going to stay on the path he’s on. At least with others who care about him knowing about the situation, he has a much better chance of getting real help and getting better, even if he does not yet recognize that.
You are truly a good and loving friend, even if he cannot see that right now.

Will pray for him. :gopray2:
 
What I’m worried about is that now that he knows this is possible, next time he’s not going to talk to anyone. Next time he’s just going to kill himself without talking to anyone.
 
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