I
Incomplete
Guest
No, you won’t just wake up one day and feel that way. But it can happen over time. I’ve also seen it happen when chronic illness strikes. After years of one spouse being seriously ill, the other one eventually leaves. It doesn’t mean the person never had those strong feelings of what some call love. It doesn’t make their earlier love be any less. But years of chronic illness can change both the person who is ill and the caregiver…so indeed, neither are the same person they were when they got married.If you truly love someone, you will never just wake up one day and feel nothing for them, you will always love them unless they do something so fundamentally awful that it becomes clear they are no longer the person you married in any way. And if my husband wakes up one day and just honestly couldn’t care less if I live or die, or would be perfectly fine never seeing me again, then he needs to tell me that because I do not deserve to waste my life on a person who feels nothing for me. I admire his willingness to stick it out, but it would be kinder to ME if he would just leave.
I’ve seen it when a soldier comes home from war, full of anger and PTSD. It can take years and years to get past the trauma of war, and they can be so different that the spouse can’t handle it. You may think that could never happen to you, but it could.
I’ve seen it happen with depression as well. People will say, “That’s not the man I married.” They struggle with what to do because they realize depression is an illness, but to live for years with it is difficult.
In fact, I’m not the same person I was when my husband and I married. After a lifetime together, people do change.
But again, you are talking about those warm fuzzy feelings. And those feelings can and do go away. That’s different from what the Church describes as love. And those warm fuzzy feelings also leave in all those dating relationships you have before you get married. Getting married is about a life-long commitment, until death do you part, not “until those feelings go away do we part.” That’s not the vows we take, or at least, not the vows I’ve ever heard anybody take. Those vows separate marriage from dating, or at least, they should. They don’t seem to any longer.
But my original contention was not just about marriage. It’s the whole thing about love being unselfish. True love is unselfish. True love does not depend on feelings to do good for others. To do for those who are unloveable is an act of unselfishness. To do good for those we have loving feelings towards, that’s nothing difficult at all. Even people who would murder, people who would be cruel to others, even those people tend to be good to those they have feelings of love for. As Christians, we are called to so much more.