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aicirt
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You stated you were married to a woman who kept you from your family. Would you mind sharing what she did? How did your Mother react? How long were you married?
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st_lucy
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Aircraft, I am wondering how is your relationship with your son?
I am left wondering this from my experience. My mil and dh have a horrible relationship, but she seems to ignore this fact. He has tried in the last 15 years and so have i but we have both come to the conclusion that it is best for us and the kids to stay away from dh parents, mostly do to his mom but his father is not innocent. We are now going on six year with this staying silently away and now I am hearing through the grape vine that I am the most horrible person and keep dh and kids away from her.
This relationship actually came to a halt when my mil’s mother died. I was personally very close to gmil though. None of us went to the funeral though. DH did not feel all that close to his grandmother, and my grandfather who happened to be the only father figure I ever knew was also dying. We decided as a family that it was very important that I make a trip back home to see my grandfather, it was hard decision but I am grateful for that time with him before he died, MIL has never forgiven me for that decision.
It doesn’t bother me at all because I know that my dh and I have a great relationship and it has improved greatly since coming to the decision of not putting ourselves in that whirlwind. My mil has thrown the wait til your kids grow up and leave you line at me once, also.
When my DH makes calls to his mother they are very calculated and short, so that he doesn’t leave that conversation hurt. To my DH his family, me and the kids, will always come first and he is angered when his mom or sometimes his dad will say something bad about me. I am grateful for his loyalty to me.
Now I am not sure if this is true with you and you DS but the similarities are alarming. So my advice to is make the first step call your son a little more often, don’t speak ill of your dil. After making regular calls try talking breifly to dil, without ever being condescending. Your relationship will get better if you keep a constant presence in their lives that is not spiteful.
I hope that helps from the other side of the fence and good luck.
I am left wondering this from my experience. My mil and dh have a horrible relationship, but she seems to ignore this fact. He has tried in the last 15 years and so have i but we have both come to the conclusion that it is best for us and the kids to stay away from dh parents, mostly do to his mom but his father is not innocent. We are now going on six year with this staying silently away and now I am hearing through the grape vine that I am the most horrible person and keep dh and kids away from her.
This relationship actually came to a halt when my mil’s mother died. I was personally very close to gmil though. None of us went to the funeral though. DH did not feel all that close to his grandmother, and my grandfather who happened to be the only father figure I ever knew was also dying. We decided as a family that it was very important that I make a trip back home to see my grandfather, it was hard decision but I am grateful for that time with him before he died, MIL has never forgiven me for that decision.
It doesn’t bother me at all because I know that my dh and I have a great relationship and it has improved greatly since coming to the decision of not putting ourselves in that whirlwind. My mil has thrown the wait til your kids grow up and leave you line at me once, also.
When my DH makes calls to his mother they are very calculated and short, so that he doesn’t leave that conversation hurt. To my DH his family, me and the kids, will always come first and he is angered when his mom or sometimes his dad will say something bad about me. I am grateful for his loyalty to me.
Now I am not sure if this is true with you and you DS but the similarities are alarming. So my advice to is make the first step call your son a little more often, don’t speak ill of your dil. After making regular calls try talking breifly to dil, without ever being condescending. Your relationship will get better if you keep a constant presence in their lives that is not spiteful.
I hope that helps from the other side of the fence and good luck.
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aicirt
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Motivation? To see things from a different perspective. I don’t see her behavior as normal.
The baby is now four years old. Her mother and dad are very supportive as are her sisters and brother.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
I think those whose MILs are truly ghastly people are projecting here a bit. Not every DIL who is keeping her kids away from a family is doing it to protect the kids. Kids can be a potent weapon. She and son are depriving an elderly couple of knowing their (only?) grandchildren.
When someone’s family comes forth and says THEY have problems too, that’s a problem. It took years before my MIL finally admitted her son was horrible.
The OP has indicated some stuff in private email I can’t share, but I’ll just say please be a little more gentle to her. She’s not a dragon lady in this. Not from what I’ve read. This situation is not normal and this wife/mother is not responding in a normal way.
Not all narcissists are men.
When someone’s family comes forth and says THEY have problems too, that’s a problem. It took years before my MIL finally admitted her son was horrible.
The OP has indicated some stuff in private email I can’t share, but I’ll just say please be a little more gentle to her. She’s not a dragon lady in this. Not from what I’ve read. This situation is not normal and this wife/mother is not responding in a normal way.
Not all narcissists are men.
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Lukelion
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For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
I have also been accused of not allowing my husband to see mil, but he’s a big boy. It has never occurred to her that the real reason is she treats him like dirt, and plays favorites.
I have also been accused of not allowing my husband to see mil, but he’s a big boy. It has never occurred to her that the real reason is she treats him like dirt, and plays favorites.
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Rob_s_Wife
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Yes, we have kept our distance so we don’t engage in harsh words. I wouldn’t call it honoring. I’d call it self-preservation. The example of the lie was given as an indication of the personality involved. Her Mother was telling me she was a liar.
and of course the hallmark of every good mother is that she calls her dd a liar to her dd’s mil. gee. can’t think why a dd would not be close to a mom like that.
seriously that her family speaks of her that way to outsiders should have been a red flag to you about them, not her. and I still have no idea why you would believe them over your son and his wife.
Should I not have said anything about being jealous of her own baby?
actually this is very common and no there’s nothing wrong with it most of the time. more than one man has posted to these forums that he misses his wife and wishes he could have some of the attention the kids get for himself.
more than one wife has posted that she misses her dh and feels as though she comes last in his life and would like to come first more often.
how things look to you is very likely not how it really is, much less how it looks to them. by your own admission you are not involved enough to know anything about their marriage or family dynamics. And yet you feel qualified to heap complaints on your dil.
I take lying very seriously. It is not something I tolerated from my sons.
then either you were disappointed a whole lot or they learned to lie better. Because people, including every one of your dc and mine, lie about things at times. It’s not good and we all try to work on it, but humans lie for many reasons.
The girl is now in her 40s and hasn’t changed.
I’m guessing neither have you…
Send cards and gifts to the kids? Been there, done that. Don’t expect a formal thank you but we would like a call to know if the gifts got there. Didn’t get that either. After years of sending stuff, we stopped.
why? was the point to give freely to the kids and give them joy or to get credit and affirmation?
again why do you blame your dil and not your son? is he not equally responsible for making the call?
I have no idea why you would stop being generous with your gc bc of lack of a phone call or card. what did your grandkids do to deserve that?
We don’t see the kids. We don’t cause stress. We’re not there.
You sure do have a lot of hate towards people you don’t see, visit or deal with.
**Word change in purple is mine. **
I’m with Leonie. It seems all you want is confirmation that your dil is a horrid person.
But all your posts seem to do is give valid reason for why your son and his family would avoid you.
Again, I won’t say you are a bad mil. I hope you are just very mistaken.
But I’m telling you I see every valid reason for him and his wife to avoid you in how you say you have spoken and reacted with regards to them.
You can either keep doing what you are doing and feel self rightous about it or try to do something actually beneficial to reach your son.
If this were your own dear daughter, would you treat her this way? Would you blame her for her dh not calling his mother or sending cards to him? Would you say her dh was only staying with her for the kids? Would you fault her as selfish for wanting to spend time with him instead of him being as his parents? I would sincerely hope not. But maybe you would. If so, there’s not much point in continuing this thread.
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aicirt
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I would have gone to the funeral and then set off to see my gf. If he was on his deathbed, I would have gone to gf’s and sent dh off to be with his Mom who was mourning the death of her mother.
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st_lucy
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That would have been nice if we had money. Like I said my gf was the only father I ever knew. My dh was closer to him then he was to his gm or his mom for that matter. neither he nor the kids did not go with me to visit my gf on his death bed. my family did not judge them for not going, and none of us went to the funeral. My DH did not want to go to his grandmothers funeral or go to his mom, they really do have a horrible relationship, she does not see this for some odd reason, even when he points this out to her. She will only see that I am to blame.
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Rob_s_Wife
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You and I have discussed this in similair thread before… so I do get what you mean and where you are comming from altho we disagree on some points, such as grandparents rights.:hug1:
But all the rest of us folks have to go by is what she’s posted here.
And what she’s posted here does not make sense. It read like foolish games and drama to me.
And no, just bc ones family comes forth calling names doesn’t make it so. My family would tell you a lot blarney about me. And no that toxic mess I was born into is not allowed near my kids and never will be. I thank God every day that I am blessed with a good man for a husband to lean on and stand against the world with and a ability to have found a God to light my way out of the dark hole they seem determined to drag everyone into a joining them in. they get along great with each other. Why? I can only guess that misery really does like it’s own kind for company.
Again, repeatedly, all I know is that her words and reactions would not endear her in the slightest to me if I were her dil. I’m not kidding when I say I’d run for the hills. We’d move. Far, far away. I can’t stand that stuff. I sure as heck wouldn’t return calls.
I know not all NPDs are men.
But I haven’t read anything here that makes me think that of either her son or dil.
So her dd got ticked at him for visiting too long (in her mind) and called. So what. I can tell you there have been many times in my marriage where I came last for my dh. I came after work (sometimes lots of ot or 2 jobs), I came after kids, house and car repairs, after church, after school, and so I did guard rather jealously what little time there was left after all that. You bet I did. But you can bet my mil probably thought I was a selfish brat for calling and asking dh to come home and help with the kids or just come be with me.
So her dh couldn’t understand how she would be jealous of his time with the baby? See above. Maybe she was truely mental about it. Or maybe it wouldn’t have killed him to let the kid wait while he sat next to his wife in a hostile environment. (and let me assure you being at the inlaws house and knowing the inlaws hate you IS a hostile environment!)
Maybe he is only staying for the kids. I have no idea why he was so dim as to have FOUR with her if he felt trapped. But hey, maybe he was just slow or something. I know for years my mil thought that was the only reason we had our kids. That I was just keeping he trapped. Yeah, like he wasn’t invovled at all.
I could be projecting. I actually hope I am. Because if so, this is really something that over time can be mended.
I actually have a decent relationship with my mil. She has been trying really hard over the last few years. I hope it’s sincere. I’d like to think she no longer sees me as some evil she-devil wrecking her son’s life by forcing babies on him and robbing him of any ability to think and act for himself in any free will capacity. A notion I have always found to be hilarious, bc I’d liek to think I know my dh and that is sure not how I see him,
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Lovemyfaith
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I will keep your DIL and son in my prayers. God can open hearts in ways that we can not. Please pray for their family every day, as many times a day as you can. Pray for God to give you strength to forgive this heartache.
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SarahR
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Of course not. There are two sides to every story. Maybe she feels very judged by you and so would prefer her husband take the initiative with things having to do with his side of the family…and then when he doesn’t, it falls onto her yet again.
I would hate for my mother-in-law to be discussing me like this! I have 4 young children and my focus is on raising them, keeping the house tidy, cooking, shopping, etc… some things fall by the wayside and sometimes people are disappointed in my “performance.”
I just don’t see what good it does for you to stew about these things. You have your expectations about what timeframe/what gifts/what response you would like, and when it isn’t delivered you blame her. How about your son? Does he have arms and legs and the ability to write a thank-you card?
I apologize if you addressed some of these issues in other posts and the situation is drastically different than what I am gleaning…but honestly it rubbed me the wrong way to hear you vent about her like this. She is your husband’s wife, the mother of your grandchildren. She’s probably working hard to raise those precious grandbabies well. She deserves respect, understanding and support.
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aicirt
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Thank you. Strength is what I pray for to have and enjoy our other son and our lives.
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maggie2
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My condolences to you on your loss. You’ll be in my prayers…
I haven’t read through every post here, but I have to say that I do agree with those who suggest that perhaps you’re making assumptions and being a bit judgemental
But it is also obvious that you have been hurt by her and some of these may be legitimate concerns…
I do have to thank you, though - as you have opened my eyes a bit here. I also am notoriously horrible at rsvp’s, condolence cards and gifts, and the births and days following the births of all three of my children were a time when I really did not feel as though I could handle visits - physically or emotionally.
I am trying to be more organized for the rsvp thing, but easily get overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a wife and mother - it’s a difficult time when the children are little - the family is the number one priority and it’s hard to maintain the level of responsibility that you would like in other areas.
Condolence cards - my prayers are with the deceased and their loved ones practically everyday, from day one - with or without a card. Luckily, the prayers are far more important. I do hope to be timely with these in the future though - it is an important and thoughtful thing to do.
The reason I’m thanking you though is that now I realize that my MIL, and especially my dh’s grandmother may be reading my behavior in the same way that you’re viewing your dils behavior! And it’s so far off of what I truly feel - I will try harder to do more to show them that I love them.
I urge you however, to try to adopt a forgiving spirit here. This is the whole reason Jesus suffered so much and gave His life - so that we could be forgiven. If Jesus gave His life so that He could extend forgiveness to us, how on earth could we ever think that it is okay to withhold forgiveness from anybody?
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You’re in essence saying - “No thanks, Jesus - that was really thoughtful of you to die so that DIL can be forgiven, but I’m not going to forgive her - thanks anyway!”**
I’ll pray for you that God will grant you the grace to make this a possibility, as I know you probably feel as though it’s impossible to do.
With forgiveness comes peace - there may be a beautiful relationship waiting for you - a relationship with your dil, your grandchildren, and even your son - he may sense the feelings you have toward his wife and secretly resent you for it - it would be a shame to lose all of this simply because you were clinging to feelings that God is asking you to give to Him.
I haven’t read through every post here, but I have to say that I do agree with those who suggest that perhaps you’re making assumptions and being a bit judgemental
But it is also obvious that you have been hurt by her and some of these may be legitimate concerns…I do have to thank you, though - as you have opened my eyes a bit here. I also am notoriously horrible at rsvp’s, condolence cards and gifts, and the births and days following the births of all three of my children were a time when I really did not feel as though I could handle visits - physically or emotionally.
I am trying to be more organized for the rsvp thing, but easily get overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a wife and mother - it’s a difficult time when the children are little - the family is the number one priority and it’s hard to maintain the level of responsibility that you would like in other areas.
Condolence cards - my prayers are with the deceased and their loved ones practically everyday, from day one - with or without a card. Luckily, the prayers are far more important. I do hope to be timely with these in the future though - it is an important and thoughtful thing to do.
The reason I’m thanking you though is that now I realize that my MIL, and especially my dh’s grandmother may be reading my behavior in the same way that you’re viewing your dils behavior! And it’s so far off of what I truly feel - I will try harder to do more to show them that I love them.
I urge you however, to try to adopt a forgiving spirit here. This is the whole reason Jesus suffered so much and gave His life - so that we could be forgiven. If Jesus gave His life so that He could extend forgiveness to us, how on earth could we ever think that it is okay to withhold forgiveness from anybody?
**
You’re in essence saying - “No thanks, Jesus - that was really thoughtful of you to die so that DIL can be forgiven, but I’m not going to forgive her - thanks anyway!”**
I’ll pray for you that God will grant you the grace to make this a possibility, as I know you probably feel as though it’s impossible to do.
With forgiveness comes peace - there may be a beautiful relationship waiting for you - a relationship with your dil, your grandchildren, and even your son - he may sense the feelings you have toward his wife and secretly resent you for it - it would be a shame to lose all of this simply because you were clinging to feelings that God is asking you to give to Him.
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aicirt
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And, my dear, so do we. We worked very hard to raise her husband, we’re her husband’s parents and the grandparents of their children.
How about respect for raising him, paying for his college, paying for their insurance when they couldn’t afford it? You don’t take from people and then when you are finished getting what you wanted, blow them off. It is not something that would be acceptable whether you are their parents, or their friends, or their employers.
How do you want me to vent about her? Not tell you what happened. Would that give you more of an insight?
Of course she feels judged by me. And I feel judged by her.
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IrishAm
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It has been alluded to by others, but I feel the need to scream BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SON??? It seems reading your posts that your pain and sorrow and anger are very, very real. But they also seem very misdirected. My feeling is that you are really quite angry at your son, but it is just too hard to feel that level of anger towards one’s own beloved child, so it has become all about the DIL. It is as if there is this small circle of wonderfulness that is your son; and everything he does outside of that circle is “her fault.” That may be a very comfortable world view; but perhaps not very realistic.
Respect her as his wife of nearly two decades and the mother of his children; even if that is all you can respect of her. And all the issues you are so angry about – deal with your son. I think perhaps that hasn’t happened a lot in your family dynamics. Heavens, even the bride-to-be had to call about the wedding invitation rather than brother calling brother.
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flyingfish
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I don’t think from your description you can conclude there is something wrong with her. Some people just aren’t social.
I am not married, but I’ve been in relationships where the man’s parents wanted to be “involved” in the relationship. I always found that to be very annoying and inappropriate.
I think if I were to get married and have a baby, I would not want the in-laws anywhere near the hospital room.
Some people just have different views about the appropriate level of closeness with extended family. You marry the person, not his parents and siblings. You may not feel like attending their weddings or inviting them to your births.
I think you need to work on your relationship with your son and forget about his wife. She doesn’t owe you a relationship even if you’re the kind of person who wants to be close with her.
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Catholic90
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I whole-heartedly agree with this! What about your son? Is he not capable of picking up the phone? Writing a card? Sending thank you notes? Why, why, why do these things always fall on the woman’s shoulders?? Last I checked, men were just as capable of doing these things!! Don’t blame your DIL if your grandchildren did not write thank you notes for gifts you sent. Blame your SON!! Don’t blame you DIL for not calling you after the birth of her child! She was probably exhausted, sore, emotional, and worn out! Why couldn’t your SON have called you back? Why couldn’t your SON have RSVPd to the wedding? Afterall, it was HIS brother!!
It seems you are blowing them off as much as your son is blowing you off!
What does your SON have to say of any of this? Or does he have no opinion?
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Catholic90
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flyingfish
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I’ve had varying experiences. Usually it’s in-between, mostly wanting frequent and lengthy contact (like more than once every several months and beyond a “hi how are you”), calling, things like that.
It’s always been a very unpleasant situation for me, because I would resent having to waste my time interacting with a boyfriend’s parents and at the same time it’s rude and hurtful to tell them to leave you alone.
I cringe as I imagine giving birth and having in-laws wanting to come by the hospital. It just seems very intrusive and inappropriate. Of course it all depends on the person, I’m sure some people would be happy having everyone come by and be involved.
And sending a condolence card after a death in the family seems like a very thoughtful gesture, I don’t understand why the OP got upset by it.
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Joan_M
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