What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[aicirt]

I don’t think from your description you can conclude there is something wrong with her. Some people just aren’t social.

I am not married, but I’ve been in relationships where the man’s parents wanted to be “involved” in the relationship. I always found that to be very annoying and inappropriate.

I think if I were to get married and have a baby, I would not want the in-laws anywhere near the hospital room.

Some people just have different views about the appropriate level of closeness with extended family. You marry the person, not his parents and siblings. You may not feel like attending their weddings or inviting them to your births.

I think you need to work on your relationship with your son and forget about his wife. She doesn’t owe you a relationship even if you’re the kind of person who wants to be close with her.

At least you are honest. I hope you will tell your feelings to any man who intends on marrying you. And any man who feels the same way as you, needs to be up front also.

YOU would not want the in-law anywhere near the hospital room…what about what the husband would want? You didn’t say you don’t want your parents there, it is just his parents. And you’ve already made a judgement on in-laws without even having in-laws.

What would be your reply to your husband if he told you he didn’t want your parents at the hospital, or he doesn’t want to attend any of your family’s affairs or holidays? Feeling the warmth?

YOU may not feel like attending. I can’t even imagine that. This isn’t about you. It is about people who mean something to your husband.

 

[flyingfish]

Why on earth would you feel you were wasting your time interacting with a boyfriend’s parents? They are the people who raised your boyfriend. It would, indeed be rude to tell your boyfriend’s parents to leave you alone!

How could in-laws coming by the hospital after you give birth be intrusive or inappropriate? The baby is their grandchild. Unless you are imagining their being in the delivery room with you - that would be intrusive.

The OP tells us that the condolence card was sent weeks after the death - she probably found it would have been better is it wasn’t sent since it was so late. Within a week would have been more acceptable.

It just depends on how much interaction there is. I wouldn’t feel it would be a waste of time to meet them, but some parents (the mother, I never had this issue with fathers) want to call you, go on outings together, e-mail. All those activities take time I’d rather spend doing other things. It’s hard to refuse them without being rude, so I get pretty frustrated when asked. I often wish the mothers would have the sense not to ask.

Being in the delivery room would be extreme, I wasn’t thinking of that. It just seems to me that giving birth would be a very intimate process, after which you’re exhausted. I personally wouldn’t want to have anything to do with in-laws during such an intimate time.

Well if the card was sent during the mail, it might have only been sent a week after the death and just took time to arrive. I don’t know, it just seems to me the OP is awfully picky and critical.

 

[flyingfish]

At least you are honest. I hope you will tell your feelings to any man who intends on marrying you. And any man who feels the same way as you, needs to be up front also.

Of course, and I wouldn’t try in any way to discourage my husband from having a close relationship with his family. That would be his choice, I would simply ask that he have the relationship with them without involving me.

YOU would not want the in-law anywhere near the hospital room…what about what the husband would want? You didn’t say you don’t want your parents there, it is just his parents. And you’ve already made a judgement on in-laws without even having in-laws.

I don’t have children either, so I don’t know what it’s like to give birth. But it just seems that I would be the one exhausted from giving birth, so I should decide who gets to come to the hospital room. It would be different with my own parents. My own parents raised me and I know them, in-laws would always be strangers in that respect, not people I would want near me during vulnerable and intimate moments.

When the husband is the one in the hospital, he can decide who visits him.

What would be your reply to your husband if he told you he didn’t want your parents at the hospital, or he doesn’t want to attend any of your family’s affairs or holidays? Feeling the warmth?

YOU may not feel like attending. I can’t even imagine that. This isn’t about you. It is about people who mean something to your husband.

If my husband was undergoing some procedure in the hospital and didn’t want my parents there I would understand. My own parents wouldn’t impose on someone like that either.

And as far as attending family affairs it’s a matter of degree. I think them not coming to the wedding was a bit extreme unless there is history between you you haven’t made known.

I would have forced myself to attend a rare and special function like a wedding for the sake of my husband, maybe a visit to the family once or twice a year.

If it was really, really, really important to him, I would make some sacrifices and pretend. But there would be a limit to how much time I was willing to sacrifice for that purpose.

 

[anna1978]

Well…I don’t know her, but…from what you’ve said OP: I can’t see very much wrong with her, apart from the fact that for whatever reason, she doesn’t feel ‘at home’ in her husband’s family. That is almost certainly NOT your fault. Some people get on, some people don’t.

When I met my husband, his parents couldn’t have been more welcoming, they invited me for dinner, took me on trips, bought my wedding dress and in EVERY way they’ve been WONDERFUL! … They also know that I feel uncomfortable with phone-calls (I grew up Mennonite, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to new-fangled stuff!), so…she asked me and I said to my MIL: ‘Call at exactly the same time once a week, so I’m ready for it!’. And she does, and we talk for 45 minutes or more! But, she KNOWS I have a social problem, I don’t like being around lots of people, I need to be ‘alone’ a lot…she also knows I make her son happy. And she accepts me for who I am because , and she said that the last time they came up for a week, I ‘am a good mother and wife’. MY MIL and I are very different, and I’m sure she struggles to understand why her son fell in love with me 10 years ago…but I call her ‘mom’ (my own parents died long ago) and when I see my FIL, he’s the only person apart from my husband who’s allowed to hug me! They are very dear to me, but I will admit I need ‘distance’ even with them. It’s how I am, I won’t bore you with my childhood but a lot stems from that…Now…I don’t know your son or DIL, but I DO agree: where is HE in all of this? Why can’t he pick up the phone? Why can’t he keep the lines of communication open? Because I tell my husband every so often ‘Come on, you haven’t spoken to your parents in 3 weeks, go call them!’ I tell him 'They won’t live forever! And when they visit (about 4 x a year for 5-7 days at a time) I encourage him to spend loads of time with his dad in particular. With his mom he has a very ‘complex’ relationship-there is ‘love’, but also a lot of unresolved issues that SHE has buried but that still make it hard for my husband to fully love her and …I guess…trust her.
Now, I don’t know if there is something in your family where your son feels ‘left out’ or just not ‘as close’ as your other children. Perhaps some of the distance is not just due to your DIL, but also to HIM. Again, I’m just looking at my husband here…To me, he’s got great parents, and if you met them you’d love them! They’re wonderful, generous people! But…they do admit he was not ‘planned’, there was a large gap between him and his elder siblings, he never ‘fitted in’ with the rest of the family and with the benefit of hindsight my FIL says they loved him, but…their son felt somehow ‘unwanted’, an ‘afterthought-baby’…and it led to a lot of problems. I tell BOTH sides that you cannot go back and change things, life happens-and I hear from both sides ‘But I/we love him/them’, but there is this unspoken ‘wall’ that keeps them from being as close as they could be. If both sides could just sit down and be 100% honest. But my husband doesn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying ‘I felt unloved’, and his parents say to ME, but not to him ‘Yes, we could have handled a lot of things differently’

Again, all we can do on here is ‘guess’ what might be true in your case, but I’d say: You are NOT doing anything wrong , but neither is your DIL-she’s just very different from you. And your son, really ought to be able to keep the lines of communication with his family open by himself. It wouldn’t hurt to call or write himself.

As for the condolance card: it’s a cultural thing, here in Britain you send it asap, but in Holland where I grew up, you’d turn up for the funeral (if you lived closeby) and send the card a week or two later (with the thought of ‘The pain is not so raw now, they’ll have time to read it now, life will have gotten back on track’). So…give her the benefit of the doubt: she may simply have thought "Well, my husband is at the funeral, giving his condolances, so let’s wait until things are back on track and then send a card a little later’.

Sending fruit-baskets, is a very unfamiliar thought to me, so again-it might be a local/cultural thing that your DIL doesn’t understand, and your son didn’t remember as he’d just come off a flight (and as it was his grandmother, I venture he might have been so upset he simply forgot!)

 

[maryjk]

I whole-heartedly agree with this! What about your son? Is he not capable of picking up the phone? Writing a card? Sending thank you notes? Why, why, why do these things always fall on the woman’s shoulders?? Last I checked, men were just as capable of doing these things!! Don’t blame your DIL if your grandchildren did not write thank you notes for gifts you sent. Blame your SON!! Don’t blame you DIL for not calling you after the birth of her child! She was probably exhausted, sore, emotional, and worn out! Why couldn’t your SON have called you back? Why couldn’t your SON have RSVPd to the wedding? Afterall, it was HIS brother!!

It seems you are blowing them off as much as your son is blowing you off!

What does your SON have to say of any of this? Or does he have no opinion?

Since I am in the same position as the OP’s DIL, all of those things are up to my DH. If we are invited to a wedding, need to send flowers or call, he better do it. Otherwise, it doesn’t get done.

My MIL hates me. If I call she is cruel. I don’t need to put myself in that position. So if a call needed to be made, I let her son take care of it. Last time it didn’t get done, I told my MIL, it wasn’t me that forgot, it was him. If you want to yell, yell at him.

Not my parents, not my friends, not my problem. Yes, it would be different if my MIL even tried to like me or tried to pretend to like me. I have a very good relationship with her brother.

 

[rayne89]

I have a friend whose daughter recently married. I see your case in the same way I see hers.She is angry with her new son-in-law because she feels he’s pulling her away from the family. Its easier to blame him than to hold her daughter responsible, or even realize in some cases she may be choosing it herself.

Everything your son’s wife does, he allows. If I thought my husband was being disrespectful, or giving my parents the cold shoulder I would say something to him. If my husband tried to keep our daughter from seeing parents without good reason I simply wouldn’t allow it. This goes even more so for your son as he is the man and head of the household. If everything you describe is accurate your son is allowing it, either he agrees with it or is simply choosing to be passive. Its easier to blame and villianize your DIL than face the painful fact that your son sits by and lets her treat you this way, or maybe even is in agreement with her.

After all these years, the only thing that can change is you. You can either stew over it, make her the talk of all the family gatherings where you pick apart her flaws - or you can pray for your son’s marriage and their children. Be glad they have an intact marriage where your grandchildren are being raised with two parents and not being dragged through a messy divorce. Be glad she goes to church and is not dragging your grandchildren to a wiccan coven. Be glad that they are faithful to each other. And accept that this is woman your son chooses to be with, and it is his duty to stand by his wife.

 

[sj2]

I was probably a terrible DIL. I was just annoyed at my MIL. I don’t know why, probably a combo of different things. She never thought DH would marry me, so kind of down-played our relationship, she cried when we got engaged, the only gifts she gave me had to do with converting me to her religion, etc.

But I love her now. I still roll my eyes at her sometimes (I’m only human), but I’ve learned alot from her and am glad I got her as a MIL.

I had to stop reading into things. Like, she sends out Mormon stuff. I finally realized it wasn’t a personal attack against me & my religion, that’s just who she is. Annoying to me? Perhaps, but whatever, that’s who she is. I’ve accepted her. However, I’ve also had to stop changing my actions based on someone else’s behavior. I had to stop censoring my actions (and kind of pouting in the corner) when she’d come over. A weight was lifted when I realized that I hated her because of how I was behaving around her.

I fear that’s what has made OP so sad. Because of her DIL actions (whether DIL is mean, crazy, or the victim) the OP has changed who she wants to be. I say that because she stopped gifts to the grandkids. I would be sad too if I was a grandma and I felt so hurt, that I stopped trying. Hugs to you, OP.

Instead of worrying about what is wrong with the DIL, I would worry about how to make you feel good inside. How do you want to feel about this situation? Hopeless? Or hopeful? Frankly, I would send a letter saying, in essence: “Things have gotten weird. I apologize for my part. I’ll be sending the kids cards. If you accept them or not is your choice, no pressure.” They will not write back and that is good. You do NOT want a confrontation, just an open door. Then I would send a gift card every birthday/Christmas and I would never expect to hear anything from them–this will hurt at first, but then start to feel good. You will know that you are being the best grandma they are allowing you to be. And in 10 years, maybe you’ll get a thank you . . . maybe not. You’ve got to be the best you. Sure, you can’t visit without their permission, but spending a few bucks on a card is fine. Let them throw it away–who cares? Once a gift is given, it is no concern to you what becomes of it. You’ll have a clear conscience.

When people ask about them, speak in glowing words, “Oh, DS and DIL have 4 BEAUTIFUL children!! I wish we could see them more!” And leave it at that, because that is another way you can be the best grandma possible. As far as anyone is concerned (because it is no one else’s business) you all have a fine relationship, maybe not the model, maybe not the ideal, but it is just fine. If they ask if you all visit, just say, “Letters work best for us.” Don’t entertain those sad, negative thoughts (i.e. what the relationship could/should be), justified or not they do not help you. Change how the family talks about them by not talking about them.

You can’t change them. You can only change you. And please don’t think I’m saying you are the cause of all this drama. I don’t know. I just hear that you are hurting and unfortunately, this might be the only way to heal. I’m sorry it’s not the relationship you wanted or perhaps deserve, but it’s what you got–be the best grandma (within their limits), talk glowingly, give without thanks, give them space, stay out of drama.

Hope this helps some.
Sincerely,
Formerly Bitter DIL

 

[Brenda_V]

I have a friend whose daughter recently married. I see your case in the same way I see hers.She is angry with her new son-in-law because she feels he’s pulling her away from the family. Its easier to blame him than to hold her daughter responsible, or even realize in some cases she may be choosing it herself.

Everything your son’s wife does, he allows. If I thought my husband was being disrespectful, or giving my parents the cold shoulder I would say something to him. If my husband tried to keep our daughter from seeing parents without good reason I simply wouldn’t allow it. This goes even more so for your son as he is the man and head of the household. If everything you describe is accurate your son is allowing it, either he agrees with it or is simply choosing to be passive. Its easier to blame and villianize your DIL than face the painful fact that your son sits by and lets her treat you this way, or maybe even is in agreement with her.

After all these years, the only thing that can change is you. You can either stew over it, make her the talk of all the family gatherings where you pick apart her flaws - or you can pray for your son’s marriage and their children. Be glad they have an intact marriage where your grandchildren are being raised with two parents and not being dragged through a messy divorce. Be glad she goes to church and is not dragging your grandchildren to a wiccan coven. Be glad that they are faithful to each other. And accept that this is woman your son chooses to be with, and it is his duty to stand by his wife.

Great points Rayne. I am the dil who needs a lot of quiet time which does not happen when I am at my in-laws. My husband went by himself to his Grandfather’s funeral, neither of us went to our other grandparent’s funerals because of distance and cost, we did send cards (for my family, Mass cards, for his, just sympathy cards).

I would not want my in-laws visiting me in the hospital after having a baby but then again I never spent more than 24 hrs. after having two of my babies so it would have been really a moot point but I would have welcomed them in my home after if they lived close by when baby was about a week old, time for baby and I to get a routine down. As it is my in-laws and parents both live 1500 miles away so it is a moot point.

Just so you know I don’t talk to anyone but my family on the phone and even then it is rare, I use e-mail, so much better and easier than the phone, of course my family hates the phone as much as I do so it isn’t a problem.

I have to say that if the problems posted are a sample of “what is wrong” then nothing is wrong, even the “I am jealous of my baby” is not much wrong if taken out of context!

Of course our OP may have far more and these last instances were just the straw that broke the camels back. I don’t know either of them but it does bother me that the thread title is “what is wrong with my daughter in law”. Truly , if all you wanted to do was vent then it should have been more charitable or more along the lines of “what do I do about a d-i-l like this”.

Just my humble opinion.

Brenda V.

 

[Catholic90]

It just depends on how much interaction there is. I wouldn’t feel it would be a waste of time to meet them, but some parents (the mother, I never had this issue with fathers) want to call you, go on outings together, e-mail. All those activities take time I’d rather spend doing other things. It’s hard to refuse them without being rude, so I get pretty frustrated when asked. I often wish the mothers would have the sense not to ask.
I certainly hope I never get you for a DIL!! Of COURSE they want to call you, email you, and get together with you! You are THEIR SON’S girlfriend. They probably figure if their son likes you, you must be pretty neat, so they also want to get to know this person whom their son is enamored with. Afterall, HE is THEIR son! So just curious…how long have any of your relationships lasted after you’ve blown off his parents??

.

Of course, and I wouldn’t try in any way to discourage my husband from having a close relationship with his family. That would be his choice, I would simply ask that he have the relationship with them without involving me.

Wow. Just…wow. So, you want NOTHING to do with his parents? Without even knowing them? You have just decided that you are out of their lives? Keep in mind if you ever have children, they will see this and may not want YOU involved either!

I don’t have children either, so I don’t know what it’s like to give birth. But it just seems that I would be the one exhausted from giving birth, so I should decide who gets to come to the hospital room. It would be different with my own parents. My own parents raised me and I know them, in-laws would always be strangers in that respect, not people I would want near me during vulnerable and intimate moments.

**Again, Wow…just wow. It’s not all about YOU! There is a dad involved, and HIS parents are also the BABY’S grandparents! To allow one set of GPs in to see the baby, but not the other, is a WONDERFUL way to foster a great relationship (sarcasm firmly on). **
Keep in mind you Inlaws would NOT be strangers if you actually took the time beforehand to get to know them and build a relationship with them. Afterall, they did raise your husband…they can’t be all bad.

When the husband is the one in the hospital, he can decide who visits him.

Nice attitude.

If my husband was undergoing some procedure in the hospital and didn’t want my parents there I would understand. My own parents wouldn’t impose on someone like that either.
A grandchild is completely different.
And as far as attending family affairs it’s a matter of degree. I think them not coming to the wedding was a bit extreme unless there is history between you you haven’t made known.

I would have forced myself to attend a rare and special function like a wedding for the sake of my husband, maybe a visit to the family once or twice a year.

If it was really, really, really important to him, I would make some sacrifices and pretend. But there would be a limit to how much time I was willing to sacrifice for that purpose.

How old are you? teens? Because you certainly do not sound very mature. With age comes wisdom. Hopefully, for YOUR future HUSBAND’S sake, you will grow up. Otherwise, do not get married.

 

[maryjk]

Again, Wow…just wow. It’s not all about YOU! There is a dad involved, and HIS parents are also the BABY’S grandparents! To allow one set of GPs in to see the baby, but not the other, is a WONDERFUL way to foster a great relationship (sarcasm firmly on).
Keep in mind you Inlaws would NOT be strangers if you actually took the time beforehand to get to know them and build a relationship with them. Afterall, they did raise your husband…they can’t be all bad.

Sorry, but I am with flyingfish. There is no reason to allow your in laws in to see you half naked, tired from giving birth and trying to breastfeed a newborn. Your in laws may not be strangers but they are not your parents.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

while I agree she seems less than welcoming with open arms to me, I don’t think she is entirely off-base either. and she was upfront that she isn’t married or a mom.

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I certainly hope I never get you for a DIL!! Of COURSE they want to call you, email you, and get together with you! You are THEIR SON’S girlfriend. They probably figure if their son likes you, you must be pretty neat, so they also want to get to know this person whom their son is enamored with. Afterall, HE is THEIR son! So just curious…how long have any of your relationships lasted after you’ve blown off his parents??

I knew and even liked some of my bf’s moms/family, but I never treated them as my girlfriends and hung out together. That would be a bit weird to me. I wasn’t dating them, I was dating their son.

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As for the husband’s family. She didn’t say she’d cut them out. She said that her husband would be responsible for maintaining that relationship - because they are really his family.

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And altho I personally let anyone who wanted to see my pride and gloriously awesome cool babies see them, I hated having people in the hospital other than dh. Really. Just because I had a baby does not mean I care to nor have to let others in my hospital room. It is natural to prefer one’s own mother over someone else’s and I would expect a mil to know that. (and I was not close to my mother and did not want her in the hospital)

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No in-laws aren’t “strangers” but that doesn’t make one close to them either. dh and I have been together close to 2 decades and my mil has made it clear she isn’t interested in getting to know me. If she called or emailed me I’d probably fall out of my chair in shock.

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And yes my dh gets to dictate who is in his hospital room too. And it’s never been his mother. He’s told me point blank to never call her for ER trips or whatever. She won’t shut up and she’s an inerferring crier. She cries. She complains. She tries to take over and make decisions that are not hers to make. And it drives him nuts and ticks me off. So it’s easier to keep the peace by just not telling her.

 

[Catholic90]

Sorry, but I am with flyingfish. There is no reason to allow your in laws in to see you half naked, tired from giving birth and trying to breastfeed a newborn. Your in laws may not be strangers but they are not your parents.

All I was saying is if she tells HER parents to come to the hospital to see the baby, but tells HIS parents to stay away, she is setting herself up for hurt.

Personally, I would never do that. I think it is mean, rude, etc. (this is assuming everyone is on good terms to begin with).

It’s probably a mute point anyway, since most moms are in the hospital no more than 24 hours.

Never set up one set of grandparents to be the “favored”. All you will get are hard feelings. and the grandchildren lose big time.

 

[Catholic90]

while I agree she seems less than welcoming with open arms to me, I don’t think she is entirely off-base either. and she was upfront that she isn’t married or a mom.

I knew and even liked some of my bf’s moms/family, but I never treated them as my girlfriends and hung out together. That would be a bit weird to me. I wasn’t dating them, I was dating their son.

As for the husband’s family. She didn’t say she’d cut them out. She said that her husband would be responsible for maintaining that relationship - because they are really his family.

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**

**She said: **

 

[purplesunshine]

I’m not engaged, married or even dating. I still think its natural for a woman to want HER mother and HER mother only. Yes, this may hurt a MIL but an MIL should remember back to when she was having a baby. A women can more easily talk to her mother about intimate issues…etc. Even if I saw my in-laws as loving as my own parents I’m not sure I’d want them around in the first days or so.

And this woman was a mother four times over…she not only had a new infant to worry about but THREE little children! Why didn’t OP offer to watch them? I know that when my parents were welcoming more little ones grandparents backed off mommy and the new baby and took care of the older ones so mommy (and Daddy) could get time with the baby. No wonder the mom said she was “jealous” of the baby. She’s just given birth, tired, has three other kids and perhaps to her all the grandparents…or others…care about is the baby.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’ve been in a hospital after delivery and received visitors. At no time during that was I half naked or trying to breastfeed.

Instead, people gave me hugs, flowers, chocolate and told me how beautiful my baby was. (babies). It happened a few times. They were so eager to meet the new baby. The visits were brief. People came to share my joy.

I wonder if some of the people who are making comments have ever had a baby and felt the euphoria that overrides the post-delivery discomfort. By the way… are they as nasty to all the “friends” and “girlfriends” that will stop by?

FlyingFish, I hope you know how much power some mothers have with their sons. The women who raised that guy to treat you with respect learned by treating his mother and her opinions with respect. And if you don’t pass her test, she may well tell son “That one isn’t a keeper.” Prepare to live life alone, or to only end up with the kind of guy who didn’t hold his mother in much regard anyway. And even if she wasn’t worthy of his regard, YOU will bear the burden of his anti-mother attitude as he takes it out on you someday. Been there, done that. Got the bloody nose.

I think FlyingFish’s comments are very indicative of what I’ve gathered the OP’s daughter has been like going into the marriage and for 18 years. Unfortunately, if you pick up on the thread, these are this elderly couple’s only grandchildren thus far. There’s pain involved there. And a very closed attitude that apparently the son has allowed (maybe in order to keep the peace… we won’t ever know.)

I agree with other posters who say if a man was doing this with his wife’s family we would tell her there was a serious problem. A woman going into a marriage with an idea of “I don’t want to know the people who raised my husband” is not going to foster grandparent/grandchild relationships. I’ve seen that also backfire as kids hit late teens and are angry they were kept from half their family.

I wonder if the kind of husband who endures this, if he were to protest and insist on family visits, wouldn’t be the kind who then finds himself cut off from marital relations. Women can be very controlling too.

I think many posters have been a little unfair to the OP as she contends with health and other issues and heartbreak. I hope her other son and his new wife have children and give her and her husband some joy in their remaining years.

And the karma wheel will go around as adults who teach their children not to honor their father and mother eventually reap what they sow. And I’m saying that as a wife who refused to allow her spouse to bully her into cutting off contact with my family and got abused for it. xh was not allowed by his own mother to know his father’s family growing up. He resented it and had mommy issues and ended up abusing her when she was old and kicking her out on the street and now she doesn’t see her only grandchildren any more. She’s living in a double wide in another state with an old friend somewhere. She thinks she was the victim. He thinks he’s a victim. And the horrible example has been passed down to another generation. The madness never stops.

 

[shannyk]

Just regarding the whole birth thing in general (not this situation specifically)

No one is entitled to be in on a birth,*** no one***. Doesn’t matter if it’s a relative, in-law or the Pope himself. The notion that every relative under the sun should see baby 2 hours after they are born is absurd IMHO.There is NO MORE compromising delicate and emotional experience in life than having a baby, and a mom that has just been through that and is, like the above poster said, half naked, in pain, and trying to nurse a baby shouldn’t even have to entertain the thought of people coming to visit. For anyone to insert themselves into that situation is extremely rude, selfish, and thoughtless. You’re not entitled and it’s not a competition.:twocents:

All I was saying is if she tells HER parents to come to the hospital to see the baby, but tells HIS parents to stay away, she is setting herself up for hurt.

Personally, I would never do that. I think it is mean, rude, etc. (this is assuming everyone is on good terms to begin with).

It’s probably a mute point anyway, since most moms are in the hospital no more than 24 hours.

Never set up one set of grandparents to be the “favored”. All you will get are hard feelings. and the grandchildren lose big time.

but see, the one set of grandparents are HER parents! They are going to be closer and mom more comfortable with them seeing her in that compromising position. BIG difference between my mom seeing my boobies and all that and my MIL seeing HUGE difference! Just because they’re both grandparents doesn’t mean the mom giving birth has an equal relationship. IMHO when it comes to birth, it IS all about ‘you’, the mom and your husband and baby. That’s it. For anyone else to be included is a privilege. For anyone to think they have some right to be there is… strange!

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

snort “whacked out” snort LOL

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She really isn’t wacked out.
just a prime example of why being an only child to a martha steward-isk mom is a double-edged sword.

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we actually get along okay because we really have little to do with each other except for holiday social situations (she insists that every single holiday be at her home and is rather put out that I refuse to budge on only one - christmas) where we discuss the weather or just sit in the room talking to other people. Not what I’d prefer. Not my style or hope for my own dil, but there it is all the same. I really harbor no ill will towards her or even dislike anymore and have never kept her from gc. I would in a heartbeat if she gave me reason, but she annoying as she can be that is not enough. And dh would not tolorate her treating me with disrespect or undermining our parenting and she knows it, so it’s really not an issue.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I will say also… those who had only sons… some of those mothers hope that someday when their sons marry, they can have a mother/daughter-like relationship with the wife… that finally they’ll have the “daughter they never had.” What a disappointment to go into a relationship like that with open arms and to be shoved away by a young woman who wants no part of you after you put your life into giving birth and raising a man who was good enough for her to marry.

“Now go away. He’s mine. You are irrelevant. Just die or something.” That seems to be the attitude.

It’s less than Christian.

What comes across here is that everyone comes to marriage with a completely different sense of family and how in-laws should fit into the picture. Problem is, not everyone feels the same way and they end up marrying each other. My xh didn’t want me to let my mother around to help. Not that he helped.

I wonder if these are the same people that then gripe when they are not included generously in the wills someday.

 

[maryjk]

I’ve been in a hospital after delivery and received visitors. At no time during that was I half naked or trying to breastfeed.

Instead, people gave me hugs, flowers, chocolate and told me how beautiful my baby was. (babies). It happened a few times. They were so eager to meet the new baby. The visits were brief. People came to share my joy.

I wonder if some of the people who are making comments have ever had a baby and felt the euphoria that overrides the post-delivery discomfort. By the way… are they as nasty to all the “friends” and “girlfriends” that will stop by?

Yes, I have had a baby. Yes, there was a euphoria after the birth but it was diminished because the baby was born so early. And no I was not nasty to anyone, No one but my mom tried to come into my room right after the birth. And she was invited by the nurse and me. Girlfriends stayed away until the next day.

About an hour after the birth, my dad popped in an said hi. After that, it was my husband and me waiting until we could go and see the new guy. I ate and slept. Then they put me in a wheelchair and took me down to see the baby in the NICU.

And the OP wasn’t upset that her DIL wouldn’t let her in the room. She is upset because in the confusion, the DIL forgot to call her wonderful MIL back. You know that should have been first on the list of things to do.

 

[maryjk]

I will say also… those who had only sons… some of those mothers hope that someday when their sons marry, they can have a mother/daughter-like relationship with the wife… that finally they’ll have the “daughter they never had.” What a disappointment to go into a relationship like that with open arms and to be shoved away by a young woman who wants no part of you after you put your life into giving birth and raising a man who was good enough for her to marry.

“Now go away. He’s mine. You are irrelevant. Just die or something.” That seems to be the attitude.

It’s less than Christian.

What comes across here is that everyone comes to marriage with a completely different sense of family and how in-laws should fit into the picture. Problem is, not everyone feels the same way and they end up marrying each other. My xh didn’t want me to let my mother around to help. Not that he helped.

I wonder if these are the same people that then gripe when they are not included generously in the wills someday.

Or maybe we are coming from a position of doing all we can to treat our MILs nice but have been verbally slapped in the face so many times that we just don’t try any more. That’s where I am.

I have been called a slut. (I have never cheated or even looked in another man’s direction.)
My house has been called a disaster. ( I am not the best housekeeper, but not the worst either.)
My MIL used to buy me clothes a size S, I have been a 12 (M/L) most of my adult life. (She doesn’t want to buy that size, because they look “enormous.”)
She continued to allow 3 year old DS to ride a law mower while cutting the grass, after I told her it was dangerous and I asked her to stop doing it.
She was upset at DS because he didn’t want to spend the night at her house. So upset that she didn’t speak to him for the first part of their day together.

Now she isn’t speaking to us. According to her brother, she never liked me anyway and since my parents moved to be closer to us, she figures she can cut her ties.

Keep in mind, my husband is an only child. Our son is an only, so far. She and my FIL have cut ties because they don’t like me. Her attitude is

“go away. He’s mine. You are irrelevant. Just die or something.”