What no one tells you about marriage

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You know, this is funny but I received this advice a LOT and after years of marriage I finally had to let it go.

Somehow I felt like a failure because my husband and I would get in an argument, sometimes a HUGE argument and it would not be resolved by the time it got late. I heard this advice so much that I pushed the issue that we had to make up before bed! I finally realized, at least for my marriage anyway, that “never going to be angry” was just not humanly possible. Of course it is better to try and make up, and give each other a kiss but if you are upset about something I think that is normal. This advice is the ideal and if some couples are successful at it that is great, but we were not and still are not.
The whole “don’t go to bed angry” thing actually was meant as a general statement to everyone, not just married people. It comes from Ephesians 4:26 “BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
 
Thank you that is wonderful! I am familiar with the scripture, and believe that yes, it is good advice for anyone.

I was just sharing that I heard from many people that “never going to bed angry” was a vital ingredient for a successful marriage, and we just couldn’t do it many times. Like someone else suggested, a good night’s sleep really helps! Often we would both go to bed upset and agree to table things and talk about them later but believe me, we were both still pretty angry inside. We have been married a long time so God is working His grace despite our shortcomings!
Yeah, it’s better to go to bed mad at midnight than to stay up another hour getting not mad.

Tomorrow’s another day.
 
Since my wife and I didn’t cohabitate before marriage, the first thing I learned was: hormones. They are real. VERY REAL, my friends. :eek:

When we were dating, she could always just turn down a date when she was under the influence. Now, there’s no escape.
 
The priest does not say “if anyone has a reason why these 2 should not…”. My worry that a random ex or friend with hidden feelings would burst in at that moment (like in several Rome tic comedies) were unfounded.
This really worried you? How many people are there out there carrying a torch for you? A lot of us felt lucky to find the one we were marrying, LOL!!
I worry about the ones I don’t know about that have been friend zoned for years. Since I only plan to do this one I worried about things throwing a wrench I things.
*Cost of certain things are different for married folks vs. 2 unmarried folks. Had no idea car insurance rates were lower. *
Ah, now, my advice: Most singles don’t feel the need for an estate plan.
Oddly I dismissed the idea whole single as there was no one besides my parents to pass things to. Now it actually matters.
We somehow become a light or source of hope to others. Not sure how or why, but a number of people have said we give them hope about the world/life in general.
A surprising number of young people are “opting out” of marriage, even after they become parents.
I was one of them (no kids though). As a concept marriage is the riskiest things a man will undertake and a career killer for women. Before meeting my wife doubted if marriage was for me especially since I know only a handful of couples who stayed together and many more who didn’t in addition to the messy issues of their divorce.
So, what other surprises have you learned about married life?
I don’t know it was a surprised, but it has worked out well to think of what he does and what she does as what we do. His job is an element of our job, her career is an element of our career, the money is ours and not his or hers, and so on. If you just assume that you don’t make decisions alone and don’t struggle with the challenges of your job alone, life will be much better.
And most importantly, we point out when our personality faults ate clouding our judgment. For instance I have an understanding that I want her to point out when my pride or ego push me into poor choices.
 
The secret of a long marriage is this: It is easy to love each other. The question is, do you *like *each other? If you don’t like each other the love will never last.
 
The secret of a long marriage is this: It is easy to love each other. The question is, do you *like *each other? If you don’t like each other the love will never last.
It’s funny you say that because I see it as the exact opposite. Love is a choice and you make a choice and a commitment to love. The like can come and go.
 
As a concept marriage is the riskiest things a man will undertake and a career killer for women. Before meeting my wife doubted if marriage was for me especially since I know only a handful of couples who stayed together and many more who didn’t in addition to the messy issues of their divorce.
Interesting. It never occurred to me that getting married was something risky. I don’t think my wife did either. I think we both just took it for granted that it was for life–I don’t think we have ever thought of divorce as on option.

It is also funny the different circles people move in we only know a handful of couples who have divorced–not counting clients–but those couples we know or are friends with. Same for family–our parents are still together and no divorces among our siblings.

The peace of Christ,
Mark
 
I think being a husband evolves into being a dad and a father too, and maybe that is where is starts to get a little harder.

I’ve been lucky and have three beautiful college aged kids. The irony of parenthood is that we as parents try to teach our children and help them grow into amazing adults, but they also teach us and help us grow into amazing adults too.

Some observations I have made, and that I try and bring into my family over the years are I like to see a father sit at the head of the table. My Father did it and I do it too. My Dad was the head of our family. He was the one that I looked to for guidance, and I learned a lot of what I now know from him. I like to see a father who laughs and cries with his wife, knowing that the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother!

I like to see a father love his kids enough to hug their hearts and kick their butts. I like to see a father explain how growing up to be a man or a woman means living up to virtues like respect and responsibility; duty and devotion. I like it when a father tells his kids that if the right thing hurts – do it anyway! Always do the harder right in life!

I have never been divorced, and I don’t plan on it, but I like to see a father who forgives his ex-wife enough to put the kids first, always! I like to see a man who admits he doesn’t know it all, who just tries to be the best father he knows how! I have never been afraid to tell my kids that I don’t know something, but lets learn it together. This is great bonding time.

No one here learned how to love from a book or a classroom. Someone had to love us first – and has – from all eternity. The Son in time taught us to call God – Father – and has forever offered us an image of divine love that we can all appreciate and we fathers can emulate. All these things sound simple enough, but they do become difficult at times.

John
 
Interesting. It never occurred to me that getting married was something risky. I don’t think my wife did either. I think we both just took it for granted that it was for life–I don’t think we have ever thought of divorce as on option.
I simply mean that it either works and is the best thing ever or it fails horribly. I’ve had a friend ask my family to hold his gun during his break up so, yea there is a risk. I don’t intend to, but I can’t pretend failure is impossible. Only a few life long marriages in my family and friends but many more breakups.

I think the secret to a long marriage is “choose well, treat kindly”. But really, no one truly knows, especially the 30+ year couples.
 
The secret of a long marriage is this: It is easy to love each other. The question is, do you *like *each other? If you don’t like each other the love will never last.
Love that lasts is the love that loves when you don’t like someone.

It comes in very handy at the moment when you have kids you don’t like and who are convinced in that same moment that they hate you. Seriously, though, knowing you are loved even when you are being a very unlikeable pill is a source of necessary security in a loving relationship.
 
It’s funny you say that because I see it as the exact opposite. Love is a choice and you make a choice and a commitment to love. The like can come and go.
You can dislike some of your spouse’s bad habits (such as leaving underwear on the floor or riding the clutch) but you must like the overall person. You must like being with them and enjoy their company.
 
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You can dislike some of your spouse’s bad habits (such as leaving underwear on the floor or riding the clutch) but you must like the overall person. You must like being with them and enjoy their company.
So if you stop “liking” your spouse, time to divorce? Nah. Time to get counseling of yourself or the couple, maybe; time to seek pastoral care; but not time to divorce. This person is now part of you; you don’t get to amputate him/her because of your feelings at the moment.
 
[SIGN][/SIGN]

So if you stop “liking” your spouse, time to divorce? Nah. Time to get counseling of yourself or the couple, maybe; time to seek pastoral care; but not time to divorce. This person is now part of you; you don’t get to amputate him/her because of your feelings at the moment.
Again, I talking about liking them overall and liking them until death do you part. Yes, there will be bumps in the road. But I’m talking about the Big Picture.
 
Never married here but I would think it would be hard just because the other person is always around. I love my family but I don’t know that I would want to live with them again. I’m sort of a loner and I could see it being a problem. I also don’t like someone telling me what to do I tend to be on the independent side.
 
Never married here but I would think it would be hard just because the other person is always around. I love my family but I don’t know that I would want to live with them again. I’m sort of a loner and I could see it being a problem. I also don’t like someone telling me what to do I tend to be on the independent side.
See, I find that odd because I can’t imagine ever being without my wife… I want her around because she completes me.

Yes, there are times where I enjoy my alone time, but still, when I have that alone time, I’m thinking about her.

John
 
Never married here but I would think it would be hard just because the other person is always around. I love my family but I don’t know that I would want to live with them again. I’m sort of a loner and I could see it being a problem. I also don’t like someone telling me what to do I tend to be on the independent side.
That is part of the grace received in the sacrament. I, too, tend to be a loner when I am not around my wife and I don’t like people telling me what to do.

That being said, I would rather be with my wife, doing anything, than to be alone. I don’t have any issues with her asking me to do something because I know that she won’t do that unless there is a good reason.

You see, a good, sacramental marriage joins two together. My wife completes me in a way that no other human being can. That is the way God meant us to be.

Just to be clear, I love being married after almost 29 years (next month)!😃 It is absolutely, not doubt about it, the best thing that ever happened in my life.

Peace

Tim
 
Tim, I had an occasion where someone observed my wife making me coffee and bringing a cup to me and he was just amazed. He wanted to know how I “trained” her how to do that. I informed him that the reason she brings me a cup of coffee at times is because I have done that for her (well, not coffee, but Iced Tea) hundreds of times. I didn’t “train” her to do anything. She does it because she wants to and loves me and I get her iced tea for the very same reasons… there is no motive involved.

The same goes with you and your wife when she asks you to do something. She asks and you just do it because you know there is a darn good reason for her asking.

Peace,

John
 
Never married here but I would think it would be hard just because the other person is always around. I love my family but I don’t know that I would want to live with them again. I’m sort of a loner and I could see it being a problem. I also don’t like someone telling me what to do I tend to be on the independent side.
I also very much enjoy my alone time. I thought I would have a much harder time with this after getting married than I actually do. My husband and I take care to make sure we each have some space to do solitary activities, but really I prefer having him around more than not. I’m not sure I could say that about anyone else, friends and family included. It really isn’t that hard, if you are both sensitive to each others’ needs. Plus, we’ll have a baby in a few months and all of my alone time is going to go out the window anyway. I think if you’re called to marriage, God gives you the grace to handle the adjustment and also the desire to (generally) be around your spouse and children.

Also, we don’t “tell each other what to do”. We check in with each other, we know where the other is if not at home, and we make big decisions together. I will admit that sometimes it’s difficult for me to have to check with someone else about things (most recent example being deciding on the baby’s name…a nightmare…) rather than just decide them myself, but again, I think if you’re called to marriage it’s a small sacrifice for a large payoff.
 
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