What no one tells you about marriage

[Kal2012]

Thank you that is wonderful! I am familiar with the scripture, and believe that yes, it is good advice for anyone.

I was just sharing that I heard from many people that “never going to bed angry” was a vital ingredient for a successful marriage, and we just couldn’t do it many times. Like someone else suggested, a good night’s sleep really helps! Often we would both go to bed upset and agree to table things and talk about them later but believe me, we were both still pretty angry inside. We have been married a long time so God is working His grace despite our shortcomings!

I heard a lady on Catholic radio say that this is the piece of advice that most married people say is good, but they don’t tend to follow it themselves.

She went on to elaborate that people make bad decisions when they are tired and angry. Often this leads to a position where one spouse says “Remember what you said last night…” and the other spouse has no clue what was agreed to last night because they were tired and willing to say anything to end the argument. Sleep helps people cool down and get refreshed before approaching the other person again. It’s often better to table the matter until the next day.

Like Monicad said, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t angry, but it means that you are smart enough not to make things worse.

I’ve often felt guilty because I really wanted to live our marriage by that standard, but that’s just not realistic a lot of the time.

 

[Kal2012]

Never married here but I would think it would be hard just because the other person is always around. I love my family but I don’t know that I would want to live with them again. I’m sort of a loner and I could see it being a problem. I also don’t like someone telling me what to do I tend to be on the independent side.

My husband and I both need our alone time. We live in a townhouse w/a basement, so he has a “man cave” to escape to when he wants to work or just be alone for awhile. I don’t get true “alone” time until both my son and husband are out of the house.

He recently got a job offer in another city and we were talking about having two separate apartments for awhile because it just isn’t reasonable to commute back and forth every day (over an hour each way). We are both independent people and could make it work. However; he gave me the best anniversary present by insisting that we get one apartment closer to work because even though there are some aspects to being a bachelor for a 4 days a week that he’d like, he’d miss his family more. He’s not a warm/fuzzy kind of guy, so it took a lot for him to admit that and say it out loud.

When you are married, you are individuals on the same team. You make the choice to be on the team and keep the team together.

Your kids are an extension of the team.

However, you realize that they will grow up and marry and create their own team (and continue the cycle).

My husband has worked with people in the past who live here for work, but their spouse/family is actually in another state. It is possible to have relationships that are successful if you choose this lifestyle, but you have to choose this lifestyle as a couple and accept the drawbacks (or benefits, depending on your perspective) that come with it.

 

[Xantippe]

I heard a lady on Catholic radio say that this is the piece of advice that most married people say is good, but they don’t tend to follow it themselves.

She went on to elaborate that people make bad decisions when they are tired and angry. Often this leads to a position where one spouse says “Remember what you said last night…” and the other spouse has no clue what was agreed to last night because they were tired and willing to say anything to end the argument. Sleep helps people cool down and get refreshed before approaching the other person again. It’s often better to table the matter until the next day.

Like Monicad said, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t angry, but it means that you are smart enough not to make things worse.

I’ve often felt guilty because I really wanted to live our marriage by that standard, but that’s just not realistic a lot of the time.

Oh, yeah.

It’s just like it’s not a bad rule to say, “We can have our fight, but only AFTER lunch or dinner.”

It’s amazing how many BIG problems turn into little problems after dinner.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh, yeah.

It’s just like it’s not a bad rule to say, “We can have our fight, but only AFTER lunch or dinner.”

It’s amazing how many BIG problems turn into little problems after dinner.

We actually have a saying:* it’s after 5 o’clock*. It is code for “hey, I’m/you’re/we’re tired, this is not something we have to hash out this minute, why don’t we wait for a time when we’re more rested and thinking more clearly?” It doesn’t even matter what time of day it is any more, and it doesn’t matter whether we’re sleep-deprived, hormonal, or just overwhelmed. When we say that, it is a suggestion that we’re not at our best, we’re at a high risk for saying something we wouldn’t say at a better moment, and so we should put the point off for a better time. It has worked very well.

The main thing is to figure out when you have your most rational and good-natured discussions, and kick contentious questions into that time frame. More to the point, realize when you are more likely than usual to be irrational, grouchy, touchy, or to over-react, and kick your discussions OUT of that situation.

 

[Thorns]

Im not married but from observing friends and people who are, it seems like the wife becomes a second mother to the husband. That doesnt seem appealing and is actually kinda strange.

 

[Galbin]

I always heard that “marriage is hard”, before I got married. Even now, I hear it all the time. I expected to have a difficult time (and of course thought it would be worthwhile, or I wouldn’t have done it!) but it is really much less difficult than I was led to believe. Yes, there are difficulties with certain things, but really I think if marriage is really that hard for someone, there is something else going on that needs to be addressed by one or both parties. If you have a good spouse and you work well together, even though you will have disagreements marriage shouldn’t be that difficult.

I so agree. Oddly enough I was saying to my mother the other day that if I heard “marriage is hard” one more time I would have to punch a wall. I’ve had relationships before marriage (each lasting a few years) and I can tell you that relationships are only “hard work” if you are in the wrong one. My friends who talk like this are either a) in marriages with husbands they love but are not “in love” with or b) in marriages with spouses who won’t help with the kids/housework or are selfish/abusive.

My husband proposed after we were together after 4 years and then we had a long engagement of 3 years due to my health issues. So I knew him 7 years before marriage. We will be married a year in the autumn, and I hope I never utter the words, “marriage is hard work”. Sure you have to make an effort to spend time with your spouse, treat them with care, have a healthy sexual relationship etc… And this will of course be tougher with kids in the mix. However, at no point should a healthy marriage be like a chore.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

However, at no point should a healthy marriage be like a chore.

I hope you are right. The closest I want my marriage to get to being a chore is finding time and arranging logistics for date night.

 

[Xantippe]

I so agree. Oddly enough I was saying to my mother the other day that if I heard “marriage is hard” one more time I would have to punch a wall. I’ve had relationships before marriage (each lasting a few years) and I can tell you that relationships are only “hard work” if you are in the wrong one. My friends who talk like this are either a) in marriages with husbands they love but are not “in love” with or b) in marriages with spouses who won’t help with the kids/housework or are selfish/abusive.

My husband proposed after we were together after 4 years and then we had a long engagement of 3 years due to my health issues. So I knew him 7 years before marriage. We will be married a year in the autumn, and I hope I never utter the words, “marriage is hard work”. Sure you have to make an effort to spend time with your spouse, treat them with care, have a healthy sexual relationship etc… And this will of course be tougher with kids in the mix. However, at no point should a healthy marriage be like a chore.

I think the relationship side should be easy 90-95% of the time. If it’s more than that, I think there is a serious problem in the relationship (for instance, depression or the problems you mention).

With kids, the work load of the houseload expands so much that everything is more labor-intensive and more and harder effort, but it’s not marriage qua marriage that is hard, but marriage qua source of children.

 

[Galbin]

With kids, the work load of the houseload expands so much that everything is more labor-intensive and more and harder effort, but it’s not marriage qua marriage that is hard, but marriage qua source of children.

Yes, my thoughts exactly. It’s the kids that bring work to a marriage, not the marriage itself.

I have a dear friend who says that “marriage is hard” all the time. But this is because her husband is selfish and won’t help with the kids or housework. He also has health issues that cause him a lot of trouble, but he won’t even go to the doctor for them despite them causing massive stress and pain for his wife and family. He is literally that selfish. He is also deeply insecure and doesn’t want his wife to succeed. So yes, that type of marriage is hard. However, IMO it is only hard because he is selfish and immature. Lesson there is to know who you marry before you marry them! “If someone tells you who they are, believe them”.

 

[maryjk]

I so agree. Oddly enough I was saying to my mother the other day that if I heard “marriage is hard” one more time I would have to punch a wall. I’ve had relationships before marriage (each lasting a few years) and I can tell you that relationships are only “hard work” if you are in the wrong one. My friends who talk like this are either a) in marriages with husbands they love but are not “in love” with or b) in marriages with spouses who won’t help with the kids/housework or are selfish/abusive.

I’m with you, and Lorelei12. And yes, sometimes I want to punch the wall, when people claim, “marriage is hard.”

*Life *is hard. Life requires work.

Marriage on the other hand, that is easy. As it should be.

(JamalChristophr, I’ve been married over 20 years.)

 

[Galbin]

*Life *is hard. Life requires work.

Marriage on the other hand, that is easy. As it should be.

(JamalChristophr, I’ve been married over 20 years.)

That’s how I feel. My relationship and now marriage has always been a refuge from the storm. My husband has seen me through a lot: eating disorders, major health issues, depression, unemployment, family issues etc. It’s never been “hard”. We are each other’s shelter in the storm…

 

[Xantippe]

I’m with you, and Lorelei12. And yes, sometimes I want to punch the wall, when people claim, “marriage is hard.”

*Life *is hard. Life requires work.

Marriage on the other hand, that is easy. As it should be.

Yes. I’d add, “Homeownership is HARD.”

 

[His_helpmeet]

Im not married but from observing friends and people who are, it seems like the wife becomes a second mother to the husband. That doesnt seem appealing and is actually kinda strange.

I think this depends a lot on the people involved. I would NEVER suppose that I’m a “second mother” to my husband. He does most of the cooking, he loads the dishwasher, and he washes laundry. He makes his own lunch for work, too. Mind you, he was on his own for a few years before he married his first wife (his first marriage was declared invalid; his ex left him after 4 years citing the fact that she “wasn’t happy” and she “reserved the right to walk away because marriage was glorified common-law with ceremonial benefits”) and he was on his own with a young daughter for almost 3 years before we married.

 

[secondop]

I

So, what other surprises have you learned about married life?

GO TO MASS REGULARLY! !
PRAY TOGETHER!
Don’t go to bed mad at each other
share everything w your spouse
Give affection everyday
let your spouse know they rock your world and they are the very best
if you have something mean to say about your spouse, keep it to yourself
don’t ever talk **** behind your spouses back
compliment him/her
cheer them on/support their goals in life, whether big or small
If you and your spouse have children, be sure to go on dates …with out the kids
share responsibilities (what i mean is…the stuff that needs to be done to make a living and maintain a house and raise children. .do it together…however it may be that you do it…just share the responsibilities.)
love, love, love each other
IF YOU EVER GET INTO A FIGHT…HAVE SEX! (it works…even Mother Angelica says so…try it if u don’t believe me)
If your spouse is having a bad day, make him/her cheer up (u know what to do…what makes them happy)
there’s another ine…Be happy…live a happy life together
Give lots of praise
hope this helps

(for any of you who have read my other post…this one’s for you…
Avoid the water park) lol…sorry …had to say it!

 

[His_helpmeet]

Especially remember the little things to cheer up your spouse. Sometimes just bringing home their favourite chocolate bar when you go grocery shopping does wonders. Find out what they like. For example, I’m not really a flowers kinda gal because you can’t really do anything with flowers. However, for our anniversary my husband bought me a “bouquet” of fresh fruit designed to resemble a bouquet of flowers. Beautiful - and delicious.

 

[spunjalebi]

Gosh there is so much I can say about this…but I read through the responses and saw some important things weren’t mentioned.

I can say what works for someone else’s marriage won’t necessarily work for yours. Think of wifely submission. I get it’s still a rather “hot topic,” but the truth is the headship-submission model is difficult for a lot of people. I personally learned what is considered headship and submission in one marriage isn’t always the same in another. A lot of husbands are okay with their wives doing things other husbands would dislike. Both groups of husbands have their reasons, but the reasons apply to them. Their reasons may not apply to all marriages. Marriages aren’t cookie-cutter, because if they were nearly everyone would have a happy and successful marriage from the start.

Be careful who you ask for advice, and what it is. In fact, I’d say be careful with asking advice, period. I learned this the hard way. What no one tells you about this and marriage and no one likes to air their dirty laundry…this made me believe my marriage was awful and everyone else’s was perfect. Ha! If it were only so. People don’t want to talk about their problems, and that is fine. Just remember you aren’t the only ones who have problems from time to time.

A big kicker for me was people don’t like change. When people get married, they find it difficult to believe their spouse will significantly change from the person he/she was from courtship/dating (whatever one calls it). People are averse to change because change brings unpredictability and uncertainty. Yet, life is full of unpredictability and uncertainty. The thing is, it seems to be harder to adapt to when it’s your spouse.

Most important, pick your battles and set boundaries. I know a lot of people don’t believe married couples should have boundaries. But thank goodness for the Church and her teachings! Husband and wives have recourse. I can only speak from the perspective of a wife, but I can say I’ve had to pick my battles and set appropriate boundaries with my husband. Never should a battle become one where feel torn between your marriage and your faith (BTDT). Whatever you do, don’t cause the Church to be the battling ground. Don’t take a doctrine and make it a dogma which creates tension and resentment. Remember at the end of the day, you can pray for your wife to accept the Holy Spirit and be open to changing…but the change may not be always be what you want.

 

[felsguy]

What no one tells you about the wedding.

Your future mother-in-law has been planning this wedding since the day your bride was born, perhaps even earlier. :yup: Your best course of action is to simply not rock the boat. After all, it’s only one day and then the two of you can have your whole wonderful life together.

 

[spunjalebi]

What no one tells you about the wedding.

Your future mother-in-law has been planning this wedding since the day your bride was born, perhaps even earlier. :yup: Your best course of action is to simply not rock the boat. After all, it’s only one day and then the two of you can have your whole wonderful life together.

Weddings are overrated. Giving a prospective new married couple the tools they need to have a successful marriage is overwhelmingly underrated.

What I learned is ILs and parents will do whatever they feel they need to do to continue having control. That’s it. It won’t end after the wedding. It starts with determining what date you marry, then when to have children, where to live, where to look for jobs, how to tell your spouse what to do, how to make everyone happy, etc. The wedding is just the beginning.

 

[bisco]

i wish i had been the first poster.

 

[rjg99a]

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We now have 2 kids. We’re 33/34, got married at 24/25.

We were the first real married couple amongst our friends, so I’m sure many of them have looked at us as an example of what marriage is like. We were friends before we dated, and for the first couple years of marriage we were exactly what you’d hope to see in a happily married couple.

However, life happens as time passes. You grow and your spouse grows. It’s not that you become different people, but that you each individually discover different interests and each person develops different parts of themselves. Neither of you will forever remain the same person the other married. Add to this difficult life situations, and well, sometimes marriage DOES get hard. Very hard.

Personally, I’ve always been jealous of married couples who say that they never fight. I wish we were as lucky. My husband and I fight. Our communication styles are not exactly complementary. We’re working on this, and things have gotten better - but ONLY because we’re both committed to being married and making our marriage work. So at least in our case, marriage is hard. But it wasn’t hard at year 1, or year 2, or 3, or 4, or even 5 or 6. Things didn’t really become hard for us until the past two years, when some difficult financial/career situations hit. When things get tough - really tough - it can bring out the worst in people and in a marriage.

So I don’t really know if this is a surprise, per se. But at least in my early years of marriage, I never ever thought that we’d be one of those couples to have trouble in their marriage. We were so honest with each other, and so happy, and so in love. But you never know what life will bring you and you never know how you will change (for example, I’m on this whole religious quest and heading toward Catholicism, but my husband does not share my convictions and I feel very alone in it all). But I think that as long as you are both committed to marriage no.matter.what that you will make it through the hard times.

Oh, and also, my husband and I also also not good at following the “don’t go to bed angry” advice. Very often, we just both need to sleep in order to cool off and get a fresh start and able to talk rationally again.

One suggestion I would give is to try to surround yourself with other happily (or at least strongly committed) married couples whose marriages you’d like to emulate. Support others in their marriages, and if/when the time comes where you need support in your own marriage, you hopefully will be able to go to them as well.